LGBT Breakups & Separation Counselling

A common misconception about couple counselling is:-“…it’s designed to make couples stay together!”

Nope!

(You can read more misconceptions about couple counselling here…)

You see, having worked 26 years as a counsellor, 15 of them focused on gay, lesbian, bisexual & queer couples, I can most definitely tell you that relationship counselling is not about making a couple (or group) stay together!

The outcome the couple wants from counselling is the outcome we’ll work towards. Even when outcomes change during counselling – a perfectly valid thing to happen – a good couple counsellor will assist the couple in considering any change of direction they want to take.

This is not how to separate a gay couple! The initial goals of relationship counselling assist the couple in deciding what they want to achieve from counselling (assuming they didn’t already know; discussions in session can reveal and inspire new desires). Sometimes several sessions are dedicated to helping the couple figure out what they want together. It’s not always a straightforward decision, and the decision can be reviewed countless times during the course of counselling. But once we reach a direction agreeable to the couple, planning and working through how we make their needs a reality begins.

LGBT Couples Counselling becomes an effective and rewarding process for partners who wish to organise the end of their relationship. With professional help they can separate successfully and, should the need arise, intimately… according to circumstances.

When you learn that your relationship has ended, the idea of using counselling to process separation (either alone or with your ex-partner) may not be welcome… initially.

Maybe you thought a problem was becoming resolved, and then you learnt that your partner was not being honest. Upon learning the truth, your first shock reaction might be to end the relationship. This condition is not unusual and is understandable due to shock.

The situation is also where a couples counsellor can help you (and your partner, together) look at what has happened with cool, clear eyes. The facts may not change, but your ability to process and make informed decisions can change.

What made you “dump him” could later be seen as something you could both work through, rescuing or transforming the relationship into something more than it was. And this can include the possibility of a separation, too.

Not all separations are unexpected or unplanned.

Some separations – or the ending of a relationship – occur as a result of death or the diagnosis of a terminal illness.

It may not have occurred to a couple that they might plan to say their final goodbyes to each other. Certainly, a couple may not be able to consider such planning at the time of learning such devastating news but may benefit from assistance in handling such hot and painful topics (a concept that Irvin Yalom referred to as “striking while the iron’s… cold”).

Counselling for the ending of a relationship can be a valuable resource when the couple is willing to embrace such an idea and need assistance. They can reclaim the closure of their own relationship rather than leaving it to the whim of unstoppable inevitability.

First Session(s)

Initially, couples meet with their counsellor to discuss their relationship problems. Right at the start of the session Dean will be assisting the couple in making an informed decision about counselling (eg taking contact information, a history of the individuals and the relationship, any previous counselling experiences, psychiatric/GP care etc). After safeguarding is completed, we move into assisting the couple to begin finding the focus of the counselling. This may be about dealing with matters the relationship has to sort out for them to be able to walk away.

The first session (or sometimes a handful of sessions) includes evaluating if the couple and counsellor can work together. We notice if we’re able to work with what’s on offer. The first session(s) may naturally merge into subsequent sessions without a formal declaration of completion, or we may pause our work to discuss alternative approaches (or services) that might better suit the couple’s needs.

Subsequent Sessions

Each subsequent session usually begins with the invitation: “What do we need to focus upon today?” This puts the couple’s autonomy and inspiration in charge of leading the session.

Matters that have come up since the last session are often a beneficial starting place.

We may discuss the previous week’s homework (see later), any new difficulties that the couple has encountered, or any new learning and decisions that have been made since the last session.

Post-Session Homework

Counselling for Couples within each session can be about identification:

• identifying the focus,
• identifying relating conflicts/difficulties
• identifying processes that get in the way of resolution (e.g., defences, historic experiences, etc.).

And whilst sessions can regularly include some practice (how to transform what we’re identifying), there is also oodles of time for experimentation and transformations outside of the session: we call this homework!

The counsellor doesn’t actually set homework for the couple, like a schoolteacher. The couple are asked to identify together what they need to deal with before the next session. After a while the couple become independently skilled at identifying homework for themselves.

How Counselling Comes to a Close

If a primary aim in relationship counselling is to empower the partners to make their own relationship-ending decisions together, then an equally important aim will be empowering the couple to make their counselling come to an end too.

A couple does not have to be in counselling until every problem regarding their separation is resolved.

No, by practising the therapeutic techniques they developed in session with Dean, the couple creates and uses their own approach to ending their relationship.

Once the couple recognise they can do this autonomously, the need for further counselling sessions diminishes.

Because this service makes excellent use of video technology (Counsellor Dean Richardson has more than 18 years’ experience), this may suit separating partners, as they don’t have to meet in person, and the counsellor is present at every meeting.

Dean’s original focus as a couple counsellor was working with Long Distance Relationships (i.e. partners being in different countries from each other would have to use one device each).

Empowering talk at home

The technology means that Dean’s particular approach empowers separating relationships to be able to talk with each other about subjects they couldn’t usually manage “at home”.

Difficult subjects – especially the theme of bringing the relationship to an end – became more accessible due to the use of multiple video devices and remote sessions.

Any mix of Smartphones, tablets, PCs, Macs, etc. works.