How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating: Can an LGBTQ+ Relationship Recover?

Discovering that your partner has cheated can, overnight, make a relationship feel as though it has changed.

You may be angry. You may be devastated. You may feel betrayed, confused or simply unable to understand what happened. Sometimes there is also a question that feels impossible to answer:

Can we ever trust each other again?

For LGBTQ+ couples, the situation can be particularly complicated. Same-sex and LGBTQ+ relationships do not always have the same models, expectations or sources of support that heterosexual couples can draw upon. Many of us have had to work out what relationships mean for ourselves rather than simply following a familiar script.

Our experiences of dating and sex can also be different. Meeting people through gay or lesbian clubs, LGBTQ+ social spaces, apps, hook-ups and wider communities can create opportunities for sexual or romantic encounters that may not exist in quite the same way for heterosexual couples.

Cheating Discovered

None of this excuses cheating. But it can be important when trying to understand how something happened, what it meant to each partner, and whether the relationship can recover.

Cheating does not automatically mean that your relationship has to end. Nor does staying together mean that you have to simply forget what happened in the past.

Rebuilding trust is possible for many couples. It requires honesty, patience and a willingness from both partners to understand not only the betrayal itself but also the relationship around it.

What counts as cheating in an LGBTQ+ relationship?

There is no single definition of infidelity that applies to every LGBTQ+ couple, and that is because relationships can have very different agreements.

One couple may consider kissing someone else to be cheating[1]. Another may regard it as acceptable but consider sex outside the relationship to be a betrayal. A couple may have an open relationship in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotional relationships are not.

So, the first important question to ask is NOT:

“Did you have sex with someone else?”

It is:

“What did we agree our relationship meant, and was that agreement broken?”

Infidelity can include:

• Having sex with another person (when this was outside the relationship agreement).
• Kissing or other sexual contact that a partner would reasonably understand to be outside the agreed boundaries.
• Having a secret romantic or emotional relationship with someone else.
• Using dating or hook-up apps secretly.
• Sexting or exchanging sexual photographs without a partner’s knowledge or agreement.
• Developing an intimate online relationship that is deliberately concealed.
• Repeatedly flirting with someone while hiding the extent of the relationship.
• Paying for or using sexual services where this breaches the couple’s agreement.
• Lying about where you have been, who you have seen or what you have been doing.
• Breaking specific agreements about safer sex, sexual health or disclosure.

For couples in consensually non-monogamous or open relationships, recognising situations of “cheating” can be even more nuanced.

An open relationship agreement does not mean that anything goes (see: LGBTQ+ Open Relationship Counselling).

A couple might have agreed that sex with other people is acceptable but that certain people, places or activities are off-limits. They may have agreed to tell each other beforehand, afterwards, or not at all. They may have agreed that particular emotional boundaries should remain within the primary relationship.

Breaking those agreements can be experienced as infidelity even when sex outside the relationship itself was permitted.

The betrayal may therefore be about the broken agreement and the secrecy, rather than simply about the sexual act.

See also: Challenges in LGBTQ+ Relationships…

Why can cheating happen in LGBTQ+ relationships?

There is no single LGBTQ+ explanation for infidelity.

Cheating happens for many different reasons, and it is important not to turn someone’s sexuality or gender identity into an explanation for their behaviour. However, LGBTQ+ couples can face particular circumstances that are worth understanding.

Many LGBTQ+ people grow up without seeing their relationships reflected positively in family life, education, religion, television or wider society. We may reach adulthood having had to discover for ourselves how relationships work.

For some people, sexual experiences may begin through environments where casual sex and hook-ups are normal parts of the social scene. Gay clubs, lesbian and LGBTQ+ venues, dating apps, online communities and social networks can all provide opportunities to meet other people.

Again, opportunity is not the same as inevitability because being presented with an opportunity to cheat does not make someone cheat.

When a couple is trying to understand an affair, it can be useful to look at the circumstances in which the boundary was crossed rather than reducing the explanation to “they wanted someone else”.

Other factors can include:

• dissatisfaction or loneliness within the relationship;
• difficulties communicating about sex;
• different levels of sexual desire;
• uncertainty about whether the relationship is monogamous, open or something in between;
• a desire for validation or reassurance;
• difficulties with intimacy or vulnerability;
• unresolved relationship conflicts;
• fear of ending the relationship;
• seeking excitement or novelty;
• alcohol or drug use;
• difficulties establishing or respecting boundaries;
• personal experiences of rejection, shame or low self-worth;
• a relationship that has gradually become disconnected.

None of these factors removes responsibility from the person who cheated, and understanding is not the same as excusing.

It is simply much more useful to ask:

“Why did this happen?”

than to stop at:

“How could you do this to me?”

The difference between a mistake, a pattern and an affair

Not every experience of infidelity is the same.

For one couple, there may have been a single sexual encounter that was immediately regretted and disclosed. For another, there may have been months of deception involving a second emotional relationship.

The distinction matters; a single incident does not necessarily have the same impact as a prolonged affair involving repeated lies.

Similarly, repeated cheating may indicate a pattern that needs considerably more attention than an isolated breach of an otherwise secure relationship.

Counselling can help a couple explore questions such as:

• What happened?
• How long did it happen for?
• What was concealed?
• What agreements were broken?
• Was this the first time?
• What was happening in the relationship before it happened?
• What does each partner need to understand about it now?

These questions are not about putting the person who cheated on trial; they are about establishing enough understanding for the couple to decide what happens next.

The first stage: dealing with the shock

Relationship Shock

After discovering an affair or other form of infidelity, couples who are not immediately broken apart will often want to solve everything very quickly: make the bad event go away.

That is understandable.

But the person who has been betrayed may initially experience something closer to emotional shock. Their understanding of their relationship may have changed suddenly, and they may repeatedly go over events in their mind trying to make sense of them.

There can be intense anger, anxiety, sadness, jealousy and uncertainty. There may also be practical concerns about sexual health, particularly where agreements about safer sex have been broken.

During this early period, couples may benefit from slowing things down.

The immediate objective does not necessarily need to be deciding whether the relationship will survive. It may simply be:

Can we create enough safety to have a conversation without causing further damage?

Rebuilding trust starts with honesty

Kintsugi Pot – Rebuilding the Broken

Trust cannot normally be rebuilt while significant deception is continuing.

That does not mean that the betrayed partner necessarily needs every intimate detail of every sexual encounter. In fact, an exhaustive account can sometimes create additional distress without helping the relationship.

What matters is developing an honest understanding of what happened and establishing whether there is anything else that the betrayed partner needs to know in order to make informed decisions about the relationship.

The person who cheated may need to accept that their partner’s questions are part of the process. The betrayed partner may need to recognise that repeatedly searching for increasingly painful details does not necessarily produce reassurance.

It matters to take responsibility

One of the most important steps after infidelity is for the person who cheated to take responsibility for their behaviour.

That does not mean accepting responsibility for every problem that existed within the relationship.

There may have been serious difficulties before the infidelity. Perhaps sex had disappeared. Perhaps communication had broken down. Perhaps one partner felt neglected or rejected. Those issues can and should eventually be explored.

But they are not a justification for secretly breaking an agreement.

Both may be true.

Taking responsibility allows the couple to work on the second without pretending that the first did not exist.

The betrayed partner may need more than an apology

“I’m sorry” can be important.

It is rarely sufficient on its own.

Trust is rebuilt through repeated experiences of honesty and reliability.

That might involve:

• being open about contact with the other person;
• answering reasonable questions honestly;
• ending an affair or inappropriate contact where appropriate;
• respecting newly established boundaries;
• being consistent rather than defensive;
• allowing the betrayed partner time to process what happened;
• discussing sexual health and safer-sex arrangements;
• understanding what contributed to the decision to cheat;
• making meaningful changes rather than promising that it will never happen again.

The goal is not to create a relationship in which one partner becomes a permanent investigator.

It is to create circumstances in which neither partner needs to be one.

Couples counselling after cheating

LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a structured environment in which both partners can begin to talk about what has happened.

This is particularly valuable when conversations at home have become repetitive, hostile or impossible.

An LGBTQ+-affirming couples counsellor can help partners explore several areas.

See: How LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling Works…

1. Understanding the betrayal

The couple can establish what happened, what agreements were broken and what each person understands about the events.

2. Understanding the relationship

The counselling process can explore what was happening between the partners before the infidelity.

This does not mean blaming the betrayed partner. It means looking at the relationship as a whole.

3. Understanding individual motivations

The person who cheated may need to understand their own behaviour more deeply.

• Why did they cross the boundary?
• What were they looking for?
• What did they avoid talking about?
• What did they tell themselves at the time?

4. Re-establishing boundaries

Couples sometimes discover after infidelity that their relationship agreements were never as clear as they thought. Couple counselling can provide an opportunity to discuss what monogamy means to them, what an open relationship means, what sexual boundaries exist, and what needs to be disclosed.

5. Rebuilding communication

Many couples become trapped in a cycle where one partner repeatedly asks questions and the other becomes increasingly defensive. Understanding this pattern can be an important part of changing it.

6. Deciding whether to continue

Counselling does not have to be about preserving the relationship at all costs. Sometimes the work leads a couple towards rebuilding their relationship, sometimes it helps them recognise that separation is the better choice for them.

Either outcome can involve meaningful therapeutic work.

LGBTQ+ partners do not have to follow a heterosexual model

One of the difficulties LGBTQ+ couples can encounter is the assumption that there is one correct way to have a relationship.

There isn’t!

A healthy LGBTQ+ relationship might be monogamous. It might be consensually non-monogamous. It might involve a particular division of emotional, domestic or sexual roles. It may change over time.

What matters is that the relationship is based on genuine agreement rather than assumption.

Infidelity can sometimes expose agreements that were never actually discussed. One partner may have assumed that flirting was harmless. The other may have experienced it as a serious betrayal. One may have believed that an open relationship included emotional connections. The other may have believed that it applied only to sex.

These differences are not necessarily evidence that either partner is unreasonable.

They are evidence that the couple needs to talk about what their relationship actually means.

Shame can make everything tough

Infidelity can produce considerable shame.

The person who cheated may feel ashamed of what they have done. The betrayed partner may wonder whether they were somehow not attractive, interesting or sexually desirable enough.

For LGBTQ+ people, those feelings can sometimes become entangled with existing experiences of rejection or stigma.

A partner may ask:

“Was I not enough?”

But someone else’s decision to cheat does not provide a reliable measurement of their partner’s attractiveness, worth or value.

Equally, the person who cheated needs to be able to take responsibility without becoming so overwhelmed by shame that they cannot engage honestly with what they have done.

Shame tends to close conversations down. Responsibility can open them up.

Can trust ever be completely restored?

Perhaps the more useful question is:

Can a couple develop trust again?

Trust after infidelity may not feel exactly like the trust that existed before (see: rebuilding the broken after damage). The relationship has changed; the betrayed partner now knows that something they believed was secure was capable of being broken.

But that does not mean that the relationship can never become secure again.

For some couples, the process of rebuilding trust leads to a relationship that is more honest because subjects that were previously avoided can finally be discussed. They may become clearer about sex, boundaries, jealousy, emotional intimacy and what they actually want from their relationship.

Trust is not rebuilt through one conversation.

It is rebuilt through many small experiences of “You said you would do this, and then you did.”

Over time, consistency can become more reassuring than promises.

What if you are the person who cheated?

If you have cheated, it may be tempting to focus on whether your partner will forgive you.

There is another question that may be more important:

What do you need to understand about yourself so that you can make different choices in the future?

That may involve looking honestly at the circumstances surrounding the infidelity.

• Were you unhappy?
• Were you afraid to ask for something?
• Were you avoiding an important conversation?
• Did you want the relationship to end but not know how to say so?
• Did you want something sexually or emotionally that you had never discussed?
• Or was the behaviour part of a pattern that you had not previously confronted?
• Taking responsibility means being willing to examine those questions without turning them into excuses.

What if you are the person who was cheated on?

You do not have to decide immediately whether you can forgive your partner.

You also do not have to decide immediately whether the relationship is over.

• You are allowed to need time.
• You can ask questions.
• You can establish boundaries.
• You can seek support.
• And you can decide that rebuilding the relationship is something you want to attempt — or that it is not.

Couples counselling can help you make that decision without requiring you to know the answer before you begin.

When rebuilding the relationship may not be possible

Not every relationship can or should be repaired after infidelity.

Rebuilding trust becomes particularly difficult when there is continuing deception, repeated infidelity, coercion, intimidation or an unwillingness to take responsibility. Sometimes the relationship has reached a point where the healthiest decision is to separate.

Counselling can still be valuable in these circumstances.

A couple can work towards ending a relationship with greater understanding and less hostility, particularly where they share a home, finances, friendship groups or wider LGBTQ+ communities.

A relationship can change without being destroyed

Cheating can be one of the most painful experiences a couple faces.

It can also force questions that may have been avoided for years.

• What do we actually want from each other?
• What does commitment mean to us?
• What are our sexual boundaries?
• What does honesty look like?
• What have we been afraid to say?
• And, perhaps most importantly:

Do we both want to build something different from what we had before?

There is no universal answer to whether an LGBTQ+ relationship can recover after cheating.

• Some couples separate.
• Some remain together but fundamentally change their relationship agreements.
• Others rebuild a committed monogamous relationship.
• Others discover that consensual non-monogamy better reflects what they both want.

The important point is that recovery does not mean pretending that the betrayal never happened.

It means deciding, honestly and together, what happens next.

How LGBTQ+ couples counselling can help

As an LGBTQ+ relationship counsellor, I work with couples whose relationships do not necessarily fit conventional assumptions about what a partnership should look like.

My approach draws on systemic and psychodynamic thinking, which means looking both at the relationship between partners and at the less-conscious emotional patterns that can influence how we behave within relationships.

After infidelity, this can involve understanding the immediate crisis while also exploring the deeper patterns underneath it.

The aim is not to decide who is the “good” partner and who is the “bad” partner.

Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)

It is to create a space where both people can speak honestly, understand what has happened, and consider whether and how their relationship can move forward.

If cheating has left you questioning your relationship, LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a confidential space to explore what happened and what you want to do next.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) (that’s me! 👋) specialising in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships. I’m an accredited, postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor^† with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. My private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

† sounds technical, but it means I work with your relationship’s past events, untangling what happened to you, and helping you plan your future.

Bibliography

2 Works Cited

1. 1. Power, C. (2019). How Cyber-Cheating can threaten your Relationship. Open source

2. 2. (n.d.). .

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…