Introduction
This article outlines the six developmental stages surveyed in gay male couple relationships, as described in the research of McWhirter and Mattison (1974-1979, published 1984). I’ll reveal how gay couple relationships typically evolve, from their early formation through long-term commitment, and highlight the psychological and relational characteristics that the researchers observed within each stage.
This overview of Drs McWhirter’s and Mattison’s research (summarised here by Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) is intended to assist readers. who may also be a gay couple, identify recurring patterns in gay male relationships and provide a conceptual framework that may be useful for education, supporting their own relationships, and for therapeutic work with gay couples.
Dr David P. McWhirter, MD, and Dr Andrew M. Mattison, MSW, PhD, were both professional and personal partners (both sadly now deceased).
- Book: “A Guide to Psychotherapy with Gay and Lesbian Clients” (Ed. Gonziorek (1982), chapter: “Psychotherapy for Gay Male Couples”).
- Original Publication: “The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop” (McWhirter, D. P. & Mattison, A. M. (1984), Published: Prentice Hall 0-13-547661-5).
Article originally published: 13 February 2021.
Updated: August 2026.
Growth in Gay Male Couple Relationships
What is this Study; Over a 5-year period (1974 to 1979), David P. McWhirter, MD and Andrew M. Mattison MSW, PhD interviewed in-depth 156 gay male couples (in the California, San Diego County area) about their significant / intimate couple relationship.
The couples interviewed were not in therapy and had been living together as male to male partners anywhere from 1 to more than 37 years. The mean time in each relationship was 8.7 years, with the median being slightly over 5 years.
McWhirter and Mattison published their detailed findings in their book: “The Male Couple” in 1984.
This five-year study documents how intimate relationships between two men develop and become sustained.
Average Duration of Gay Male Relationships
Findings from McWhirter & Mattison: “How long do gay relationships last?”
From the interview data, McWhirter and Mattison identified Six Developmental Stages of Relationship between gay male couples (the first four stages occurring within the first 10 years of the couple’s relationship).
McWhirter and Mattison originally presented these developmental stages of gay couples as tentative formulations that needed further clinical trial and research validation.
The Six Developmental Stages of Gay Male Couples
These six developmental stages of gay male couples were identified by David P. McWhirter, MD, and Andrew M. Mattison, MSW, PhD, following their study of gay male couples conducted between 1974 and 1979.
- Stage 1:
Blending…
First year: Falling in love and forming the couple. - Stage 2:
Nesting…
Years 1 to 3: Creating a shared life. - Stage 3:
Maintaining…
Years 3 to 5: Individualisation and managing conflict. - Stage 4:
Collaborating…
Years 5 to 10: Independence within a secure partnership. - Stage 5:
Trusting…
Years 10 to 20: Deep trust and shared life. - Stage 6:
Repartnering…
20+ years: Renewal and adapting to later life.
Clinical approaches to therapy with gay male couples can benefit from conceptualising developmental stages. Such stages may also help gay men in intimate relationships identify (for themselves) aspects of their relationship that they may (or may not) wish to celebrate, address or even transform.
Stage 1: Blending – Falling in Love & High Activity
Relationship Period: First Year.
Characteristics:
- Blending.
- Limerence (falling in love, being romantically in love, intrusive thinking about the desired person, acute longing for reciprocation, sexual attraction).
- Equality of partnership.
- High sexual activity.
Gay Couple’s Limerence (blending) Relationship – by Alessandro Alle
Blending, as experienced by gay men, is the intense feeling of togetherness and deep connection that marks the early stages of a relationship. This stage often features a strong sense of shared identity and mutual understanding. During this period, partners feel a strong attraction toward each other, finding common ground in their shared experiences, perspectives, and interests. The initial similarities between them create a powerful bond, fostering a sense of ‘us against the world’. Simultaneously, any differences, whether in personality, background, or habits, are often intentionally or unintentionally overlooked. This selective focus on what unites them strengthens the couple’s sense of intimacy and belonging. It’s a period where the two individuals begin to merge, creating a new, singular unit.
This initial phase of blending is often intensified by a state known as limerence, which is the involuntary state of mind that results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies. The combination of blending and limerence can lead to a period of high sexual activity, as physical intimacy becomes a powerful expression of their intense emotional connection. This period is often considered a key step toward establishing an equality of partnership, where both individuals contribute equally to the relationship’s dynamic, decision-making, and emotional support. However, as the blending phase naturally evolves, the initial intensity may wane, and partners must learn to navigate their individual identities and differences to build a sustainable, long-term relationship. For instance, a couple who initially bonded over their shared love of travel might later discover differing views on financial planning, which they must then address to maintain their partnership.
Stage 2: Nesting, Homemaking & Finding Compatibility
Relationship Period: years 1 to 3.
Characteristics:
- Homemaking.
- Finding compatibility.
- Decline in limerence.
- Ambivalence.
Gay Couple Nesting – by Tyli Jura
During years one to three, gay male couples begin to shift their focus from the intense, obsessive emotions of earlier love to a more grounded, shared reality together. The previous limerence (an all-consuming preoccupation with the other person) begins to wane. This allows for a newfound awareness of the world outside their relationship bubble. As they spend more time together, they may engage in homemaking activities, such as decorating their living space, gardening, or cooking together. These activities aren’t just chores; they are a way to build a shared life and create a sense of stability and permanence. By establishing a joint environment, they are literally and metaphorically “setting the stage” for a more settled and mature phase of their relationship.
This stage brings with it a new kind of clarity, often leading to the discovery of each other’s flaws, habits, and quirks that were previously overlooked. Instead of these imperfections causing a rift, couples in this stage often begin to work on finding compatibility by creating complementarities. For example, one partner might be excellent at financial planning while the other is a skilled cook, and they discover that by combining their strengths, they form a more effective and cohesive team. This process can lead to ambivalence, a natural blend of positive and negative feelings. They may still cherish the profound bond they share while simultaneously feeling frustrated by their partner’s imperfections. They recognise both the good and the bad in the relationship, which is essential for its long-term health; this moves the couple from an idealised, fantasy-based connection to a more realistic and enduring partnership.
Stage 3: Maintaining & Relying on the Relationship
Relationship Period: years 3 to 5.
Characteristics:
- Individualisation begins.
- Risk-taking.
- Dealing with conflict.
- Relying on the relationship.
Individual Hobbies – by Dirkek
The previous stage, often marked by deep emotional blending, now gives way to a new phase where the individuals’ distinct identities begin to re-emerge. This process is called individualisation. It’s a natural and necessary evolution where each partner starts to reclaim their personal space, interests, and autonomy, which may have been set aside during the initial, intense period of togetherness. This re-emergence of the self is not a rejection of the partnership but rather an assertion of personal identity within it. For example, a partner might decide to take up a new hobby like rock climbing or reconnect with old friends they haven’t seen since the relationship began. These actions, while seemingly small, represent a calculated risk. Some risks lie in the fear that pursuing separate interests could be interpreted as a sign of distance or disinterest by the other partner. However, successful navigation of this stage strengthens the relationship by building a foundation of mutual respect for each other’s individuality.
The inevitable friction that comes with individualisation introduces conflict, which the couple must learn to manage constructively. When one partner expresses a need for more personal time or a desire to pursue an independent goal, it can create tension. The couple must find a way to address these differences openly and honestly, rather than letting them fester. The key to successfully navigating this stage is relying on the relationship itself—the established foundation of love, trust, and shared history. This reliance means that even when disagreements arise, both partners trust that their bond is strong enough to withstand the tension. They can approach conflict not as a battle to be won, but as a problem to be solved together, reinforcing their commitment to each other and their shared future.
Stage 4: Collaborating & Establishing Independence
Relationship Period: years 5 to 10.
Characteristics:
- Collaborating.
- Productivity.
- Establishing independence.
- Dependability of partners.
Collaboration – by wal_172619
After five years of being together, a couple may find themselves in a new stage of their relationship, characterised by a deep sense of security. This long-term commitment often leads to a lessened need for constant analysis or “processing” of their interactions. Instead of feeling the pressure to constantly discuss every action or emotion, they can rely on an implicit understanding and trust built over time. This shift allows them to move beyond the foundational work of establishing the relationship and into a more fluid, interdependent dynamic. For example, a partner might not need to verbally confirm their love or loyalty on a daily basis because their actions (such as consistency during a difficult week at work or remembering a minor detail about their partner’s preferences) have already demonstrated a dependable partnership. This silent, yet powerful, form of collaboration and productivity becomes the new standard, freeing up emotional and mental energy for personal and shared growth.
Stage Three’s ‘Maintaining and Individualisation’ saw each partner establish their independence without feeling that the relationship was at risk. In Stage Four, a partner can pursue their individual hobbies, career goals, or friendships with the full knowledge that their significant other is a reliable and available source of support. The dependability of partners is key here; it’s the consistent and unwavering presence that allows for this personal expansion. For instance, one partner might decide to take a solo trip to pursue a personal passion, knowing their partner will be there to offer guidance and encouragement from afar and welcome them back with affirmation. This isn’t about growing apart but rather about growing as individuals within the context of a secure relationship, with each person’s independence making the partnership stronger and more resilient. The ability to be productive both as a unit and as individuals is the true mark of a mature, long-lasting bond.
Stage 5: Trusting & Merging
Relationship Period: years 10 to 20.
Characteristics:
- Trust.
- Merger of money and possessions.
- Constriction.
- Taking the relationship for granted.
Trusting Couple – by Alessandro Alle
Trust develops gradually for most couples, yet the process isn’t a switch that simply flips on. Trust is a foundation that’s built over time, stone by stone. For gay couples, this journey begins with small, consistent acts of reliability, such as showing up when you say you will or keeping a promise. As these small assurances accumulate, a deeper sense of security forms. In the initial phases, couples might still experience moments of doubt or jealousy, but as the relationship matures, these feelings are replaced by a mutual lack of possessiveness. This isn’t about indifference; it’s about having such a strong positive regard for your partner that you no longer feel the need to control their every move. Your partner becomes an extension of your happiness, and your partner’s freedom is something you champion, not fear.
This is a mature form of trust, often seen in the later stages of a relationship. It may include a merger of money and possessions because the concept of “mine” and “yours” begins to dissolve as the couple start thinking in terms of “ours”. This isn’t just about sharing a bank account; it’s about shared goals, shared burdens, and a unified vision for the future. With this deep trust comes a certain construction of comfortable predictability. The spontaneous, high-energy courtship phase gives way to a more stable, routine existence. Such familiarity can sometimes lead to the pitfall of taking the relationship for granted, where the conscious effort to nurture and appreciate one another can wane. Couples might forget the little things that brought them together, like a surprise date night or a heartfelt compliment, because the security they’ve built feels so permanent.
Stage 6: Repartnering & Permanence
Relationship Period: years 20 and beyond.
Characteristics:
- Attainment of goals.
- Expectation of permanence of the relationship.
- Emergence of personal concerns.
- Awareness of the passage of time.
Gay Couple Twenty Years – by Alanjvm
Many gay male couples find significance in Stage 6 (twentieth anniversary and onwards) of their relationships. The stage often serves as a profound milestone that marks a pivotal moment of reflection and recalibration. Their relationship may become dual-focused by acknowledging both their goal achievements and anticipating the permanence of their relationship. After two decades, couples have typically navigated many of life’s major hurdles, such as career establishment, family integration, and financial stability, and can now appreciate their shared accomplishments. This collective sense of achievement reinforces their bond. Simultaneously, the sheer longevity of their partnership sparks a deeper expectation of permanence, transforming the relationship from a long-term commitment into a seemingly unbreakable, enduring institution. This shift in perspective can lead to a powerful renewal, as both partners feel a newfound sense of security and a deeper investment in their shared future.
This is a distinct form of relationship renewal which is influenced by the emergence of personal concerns and a heightened awareness of the passage of time. As men enter their later years, they regularly confront health issues, the loss of friends or family, and a growing consciousness of their mortality. For a gay couple, their shared journey through ageing and the associated vulnerabilities can foster an even deeper sense of interdependence and emotional support. The twenty-year mark can act as a catalyst for a re-evaluation of priorities, prompting couples to focus more on their intimate connection and less on external pressures or societal norms. For example, a couple who spent their early years prioritising their careers at the expense of their relationship might now choose to travel more together, take up new hobbies together, or simply spend more quality time together. They are embracing a renewed sense of purpose and commitment. This process of re-engagement transforms their relationship into a true and lasting partnership, a testament to their mutual resilience and unwavering love.
Addendum: Comparing Couple Development Studies
(A comparison of three studies, from Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)).
During my postgraduate studies in integrated psychodynamic/systemic couple counselling, our class was introduced to couple developmental stages from E. Street’s “Marital Stages” study (on heterosexual relationships).
Additionally, Kathryn Macapagal et al. published “Relationship Stages and Processes Among Young LGBT Couples” (2013) – National Library of Medicine: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4644068/ – is an interesting study in this context.
When I compare Street’s & Macapagal’s observations with “Gay Male Partnership Stages” by McWhirter & Mattison, I begin to see interesting correlations:
McWhirter & Mattison:
|
Macapagal:
|
Street:
|
||
| Blending | { | Discernment | } | Romance |
| { | Initiation | } | ||
| { | Negotiation | } | ||
| Nesting | Cohabitation | Reality | ||
| Maintaining | } | Commitment | { | Power Struggles |
| Collaborating | } | { | Finding Oneself | |
| Trusting | } | { | Working through | |
| Repartnering | } | { | Mutuality |
- McWhirter & Mattison’s model is an early model specifically concerning gay male couples.
- Macapagal et al. provides a later perspective involving young LGBT couples.
- Street provides a heterosexual relationship-development comparison.
There are similarities between the models, and although similarity does not establish that the models are empirically equivalent or that one validates another, it is interesting to note the similarities.
How Reliable are the Six Developmental Stages?
These six developmental stages as described by McWhirter and Mattison should be regarded as a historical framework for understanding gay male relationships in the 1970s (with their book: “The Male Couple: How Relationships Develop”, being published in 1984), rather than a scientifically established sequence through which every gay couple progresses.
McWhirter and Mattison’s research was conducted in the San Diego County area between 1974 and 1979, and although it involved in-depth interviews, the sample size was just 156 gay male couples. The couples had been together for between one and more than 37 years, with a mean relationship length of 8.7 years.
There are important limitations of this study to bear in mind:
- The sample was relatively small and geographically restricted;
- The survey does not include information about initial dating phases (such as how long gay partners had dated together before becoming serious / starting their relationships);
- The survey does not include ex-partners who had separated – so only existing couple relationships were included;
- The couples were studied around 50 years ago;
- Only couples who were living together in the same primary residence were included (no long-distance relationships nor couple relationships that lived apart);
- The time was a very different social and legal environment for gay men;
- Neither same-sex marriage nor civil partnerships were legally recognised at the time of the survey;
- Greater social acceptance did not exist with contemporary possibilities such as dating apps not being invented (gay men met via magazine personals or encountering each other in gay bars, etc.);
- HIV/AIDS (let’s say from 1981 onwards) had a profound influence on gay men’s lives; PrEP did not exist.
The study concerned gay male couples and should not automatically be generalised to lesbian couples, heterosexual couples or other contemporary LGBTQ+ relationships.
Importantly, the authors themselves described the six stages as tentative formulations requiring further clinical trial and research validation, rather than presenting them as a definitive developmental theory.
Nevertheless, this model can still be useful as a conceptual framework. It provides a way of considering recurring developmental tasks that couples may encounter as a relationship becomes established and develops over time.
Do every gay male couple go through these stages?
No. McWhirter and Mattison’s six stages should not be understood as a fixed sequence that every gay male couple follows. Couples may move through these experiences differently, revisit earlier issues, or experience major transitions that don’t correspond to the model.
Couples who are:
- newly together;
- living in non-traditional accommodation (e.g., long distance, separate homes, etc.);
- dealing with increasing independence;
- navigating an open relationship;
- approaching a long-term anniversary;
- considering separation;
- rebuilding their relationship
may find different parts of the model relevant at different times.
It should not be assumed that every couple will experience all six stages, experience them in the same order, or remain in one stage for the suggested period. Couples may move backwards and forwards between developmental issues, and the partners themselves may experience the relationship differently.
Used in this way, as a framework for reflection rather than a diagnostic or predictive model, the work of McWhirter and Mattison remains a potentially useful contribution to understanding the development of long-term gay male relationships.
How gay relationships have changed since McWhirter and Mattison
The original research is now more than 50 years old and does not include reference to:
- same-sex marriage;
- civil partnerships;
- greater social acceptance;
- online dating apps;
- online communities;
- HIV treatment and PrEP;
- greater visibility of bisexuality and sexual fluidity;
- open/non-monogamous relationships;
- couples who live separately;
- couples who choose not to marry;
- changing expectations around gender roles.
The key point should be that the social context has changed, while some of the underlying relationship-development issues may remain recognisable.
Study Conclusion
Through survey and study, we gain some insight into how long gay relationships last (albeit the sample is low and limited to one area, providing us with limited insight into the matter). The survey suggests to us that gay male couples form and develop intimate relationships in ways just as legitimate and well-defined as our heterosexual couple counterparts; comparing marital and LGBTQ youth studies suggests our relationship development stages may be comparable to one another.
This article’s aim is to bring historic knowledge to gay male couples who may be curious as to their own relationship developmental stages, notwithstanding that McWhirter & Mattison’s model is an early model.
It’s helpful information that is also incorporated into Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)‘s theoretical framework when working with gay male couples in counselling.
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