Your Questions about LGBT Couple Counselling

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Some people are concerned: "How many sessions of counselling will I need?"

Without being flippant, my approach to counselling means that you're only in counselling for one session at a time.

I take this approach because, in my experience, clients differ vastly in their needs from counselling. Some clients take only a handful of sessions before they're done (around six sessions). Other clients enjoy many more sessions.

Counselling is not like going to a GP: i.e. you describe your ailments and the doctor gives you tablets until you're cured (or the counsellor says: "You'll be cured in 7 sessions!"). No, counselling is like a relationship where, over time, you (and your difficulties) become transformed due to the therapeutic relationship (what happens between you and the counsellor).

It's an effective approach that gives you choice and control over how many counselling sessions you take.

Safety Measures.

For individual counselling: if you are concerned about costs, can agree a set number of sessions (eg 6) at the beginning of our work, and we will discuss and stick to that number of sessions if we both agree it to be helpful.  Otherwise we can work weekly until things feel better for you.

For couple/group counselling, initially we work on discovering the focus for the relationship work. Once this is agreed upon by everyone, some couples and group decide they will work on the focus on their own. Others stay in counselling to discover how they might address the focus.

As the counsellor, if I think the counselling is going nowhere (or the service I'm offering seems not to be helpful to you) we'll have a conversation about what we might like to do about this (rather than just continuing to meet aimlessly week after week).

So, in conclusion, I will work for you for as long (or as short) as we both find that counselling is being helpful.

When we're done, we're done and we'll plan to say goodbye (with there being no requirement for you to come back for "top up" sessions in the future ~ as if you'd somehow run out! )

Your £30 deposit will be taken off the cost of your first session (e.g. for an individual session of £45, after your £30 deposit has been paid there will be £15 left to be paid on the day of the session). You're not paying any extra money.

Your deposit can be paid online (securely via this website).

Rationale.

Counselling requires commitment, both from me and from you together. Counselling is not something we approach casually.

Unfortunately, some people assume that counselling is a bit like a GP's "prescriptive" process :

1. Describe your problem,
2. Wait for the GP to tell you what pills to take,
3. Take the pills.

In other words, the prescriptive approach doesn't really ask any participation from you in your "cure" (except taking some pills).

When such an analogy is (mistakenly) held about counselling, the client may expect this process:

1. Describe the problem,
2. Wait for the counsellor to tell you what to do,
3. Go and do it.

However, counselling is a relationship between counsellor and client in which both will discover how the client may begin to resolve their conflicts. Both counsellor and client work together.

Unfortunately, the prescriptive assumption may leave some people people so uncommitted to coming the first counselling session ("Meh, why bother, it's no loss to me") that they simply don't turn up and don't give any notice of their absence.

Asking for a Deposit.

When arranging a first session with me, you're asking for my investment (my time, preparation, room booking fees, travel etc). In return for this investment, ask for a similar investment from you via your deposit.

I have found that asking for a financial deposit (of £30) before the first session, the client's attention is drawn to this being a serious engagement. It invites you to consider if counselling is something you wish to undertake ... seriously.

Refunding your Deposit.

If cancel our first session with a minimum of 48 hours notice I will return your deposit (using the same method the you used to pay the deposit).

If you don't turn up for your counselling session - no notice given - or you give me fewer than 48 hours notice, your deposit will cover my expenses in preparing for, travelling to, and reserving the room for our first session.

A standard session for groups is 90 minutes - begins on the hour and ends 90 minutes later.

For couples and individuals, where we have both previously discussed and agreed, optional 90 minute sessions may be arranged.

Sessions are not extendable (ie arriving ten minutes late will not mean that we extend the end of the session by ten minutes).

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The counselling approach I use (am trained & qualified to use) is effective when we both are able to work it together. Part of that working-it together, is being able to meet regularly and repetitively.

Once upon a time, clients met their therapist on a daily basis (or, sometimes, three times a week). This is still a preferred approach with therapies such as psychoanalysis. Now the basic standard for counselling is weekly sessions (although some clients may choose to work with a counsellor twice-a-week).

For an understanding of the psychological rationale underpinning this, read upon on the concepts of Containment, Holding and Therapeutic Alliance from authors as Melanie Klein, Donald Winnicott, and Wilfred Bion.

Some clients, inexperienced in counselling, believe that they'll be just fine coming to counselling on an ad-hoc basis (e.g. coming to an appointment every so often, arranged with no planning or when they feel like it). Whilst there may be some therapists who use an approach that supports this (and I can talk with you about such arrangements after we have established a strong therapeutic alliance), I'm afraid that I don't offer ad-hoc sessions to people beginning counselling;

I offer weekly sessions arranged for the same day, same time and same location each week… until we're done ("done" meaning an agreed, set number of sessions, or working open-ended until either of us recognise that we've worked through the problems enough).

If you are unable ~ or unwilling ~ to commit to weekly counselling sessions, I wouldn't be the counsellor to choose.

There are some counsellors who may be able to support shift-patterns - take a look at: Counselling Directory and when making contact with a counsellor please be specific about when you would be available to meet.

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Contact me to discuss your needs from counselling.

It may become obvious which form of counselling could help you better after talking with someone experienced.

I'll try and help you make an informed decision on which counselling might be a good choice for you by explaining options with respect to your circumstances.

Individual: For your personal problems (or problems related to others).

Couple: For relationship problems, where the couple work together with the counsellor.

Group: For individual and relationship problems, where an individual joins a group of people and the counsellor..

Details are located here:- https://HavantCounselling.com/location#car_parking

For other location details (bike racks, bus and train routes) see https://HavantCounselling.com/location

I'll introduce myself, invite you to have a seat opposite me & maybe you'll pour yourself a glass of water.

I'll summarise what we're going to do during our first session.

Usually this will be:-

The whole session will be conversation based: no forms to fill in, no tests to take, no using toys or equipment.

There's no problem that's too large to speak about.

I won't be shocked or express disgust (although you might to take a big bite of courage to discuss some things that are difficult for you; we can always talk around difficult subjects when you're not ready to just dive in).

If something I say triggers a thought that you'd not been prepared to speak about, you can decline to answer my question (I won't be offended).

It's my job to help you make an informed decision about working with me. If I don't do that well enough, you can choose to work with another counsellor.

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Here's some information that I've heard given to me over the years:-

1. Plain speaking & human

I know all the psychology jargon, but you (probably) don't. So I'll talk to you in plain English and explain some things as we go along.

I believe that people can make use of knowledge, and if they can learn something of what's going on for them then that can be a big relief.

Talking with me can be like talking with a friend whose opinions you might begin to trust; who doesn't just say things like "Oh, you're fine" or "Don't worry, everything will be OK" just because this might be the easier thing (for me) to say. I won't dismiss your concerns.

2. I don't sit in (unnecessary) silence.

A stereotypical counsellor sits there saying nothing. Occasionally you get an "Hmmm...".

If you're working away, talking things through, sharing stuff, thinking, then I (usually) won't jump in and interrupt you… I'll be listening and learning from you.

But if there's nothing going on, if the "space" in the room is empty, then I think silence from the counsellor can be quite punishing.

I speak!

3. I have strong/reliable Boundaries.

You have to feel safe during counselling.

For example: whilst it might seem friendly to invite you to meet with me in the pub, that would be a serious breach of ethics and of protecting our professional relationship… that would be a big breach of boundaries.

But little boundaries also matter considerably: like starting our session on time (and ending it on time, too), being consistent in my behaviour, not putting you in a situation that makes you feel unsafe, being trustworthy and competent, not talking about stuff that I have no training in (e.g. making diagnoses) etc.

Sometimes my behaviour or my questioning might seem a little unusual (our relationship looks social, but it's not really)… and we can always talk about anything that puzzles you.

4. It's our Relationship that matters.

People come to counselling to talk about stuff out there.

But often that same stuff can begin to appears in here (between you and me).

The stuff between you and I can be a rich source of information and help. This stuff is real and it's happening between you and me! With other people, they may not have the wherewithal to discuss "here and now" happenings with you. They may prefer to turn a blind-eye. But that's where I'm different to your mates.

So, if it's helpful to us both, we can talk about the stuff that happens inside the room, as well as outside the room.

5. I use unfocussed listening and several other layers to understand the problem.

Whilst I'm listening to you, I'm also listening to several other layers of things.

Sometimes called "unfocussed listening", I'm listening to between the story, listening to my feelings and my response (sometimes called counter-transference), I'm paying attention to things around the story, and what's missing from the story.

You see, you're living the with your problem, so your problem gets your full focus. That can mean that you're too close and missing the bigger picture.

By working in this way, I can obtain much more information from your problem that you can, and in turn I can offer you some (partially digested) insight; thoughts that you may have been missing that may be key to your recovery.

6. I believe that you have (or will have) the solutions to your problems.

When you meet with me for the first time, you may be experiencing loss.

Loss of ability to resolve your problem.

But, somewhere within you can be the solutions to resolving your problem.

It's my skill to help people discover things that block their own solutions, and to take down the blocks (when appropriate).

You'll leave counselling independent of me (which can be vastly more powerful than a therapist telling you what to do, and you leaving feeling that you have to keep going back for new answers).

Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCS(Accredited Registrant)

As you search the Internet for counsellors, you'll notice lots of women. Hundreds of female counsellors in the Hampshire region alone. Many of them will show compassionate, smiling faces, many of them with their websites showing wispy butterflies, calming candles, and images of peaceful oceans (not sure why).

I'm a bloke.

As a bloke I get puzzled by stuff I don't understand.

I work with behaviours, thoughts, somatics (as well as feelings!).

I use coarse, basic language (if you do).

I work with the really tough stuff (like behaviours that you've had for years and feel helpless to change).

… as well as being fully qualified and experienced (working since 1999), totally understanding, helpfully challenging, and I'll even shed a tear when it comes to that.

In fact, for the most of 2015 my entire client-base was 100% men (including gay male couples)…

So whilst counselling is made up of many women, there are exceptions and it seems that many clients are looking for something distinct from me; something particular from a male counsellor.

I see my counselling role as helping you make an informed decision about whether you want to work with me... or not.

As such, I ask of you to work with me, rather than our roles to be "You talk, I listen".

I may not be to everybody's taste, and that's fine - there will be a counsellor out there for you.

If it's me, get in contact.

Counselling is a co-operative, therapeutic relationship.

It's both you and I working together in a relationship, aimed at helping both of us work to help you improve things.

That's kinda risky… when was the last time you could guarantee that you'd get on well with someone new?

So, I ask you to commit to:-

• One session at a time (and we'll work for only as long as it's helpful)
• That if you find our counselling work is not helpful (or has become not helpful), that you speak up… giving us the opportunity to look into what's come up… together.

I'm afraid that if you're looking for someone to cure you (the GP scenario: you say what's wrong, and someone gives you pills that make the problem go away) then my form of counselling isn't for you.

Look at the above menu for a link to my fees page.

You only pay for the service you're taking from me (different services cost different amounts).

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You can pay by cash, cheque [made out to Dean Richardson] or bank transfer.

You can also pay by credit card or debit card in person or online with no additional surcharges.

You pay weekly - during each session.

When you find you cannot pay for a session (e.g. forgotten your wallet), then we'll add the fee to the next session, or you can pay online via my website's online payment service.

Payments & Methods.

Payments are accepted only from the client(s) attending a counselling session.

If the client is being funded by a third party, the client and third party must make their own arrangements to enable the client to pay their own session fees.

Session fees are payable on the day of the session and in full. There is no invoicing option, but receipts can be given to the client upon request. There is no option for paying for a set number of sessions before they occur, or for paying for a set of sessions after they have taken place (e.g. paying monthly).

The client may pay for sessions in one of the following ways:-

• By Credit/Debit Card: cards are accepted via online payments only (no telephone payments). Credit/Debit card payments are either processed securely (online) through PayPal (go here) or (in person) via iZettle using a card reader. You do not have to have a PayPal account to pay online by credit/debit card. When you pay through my website you will be prompted either to log into your PayPal account or be invited to pay by credit/debit card. Select the second option. Alternatively, if you have your own PayPal account you may add your credit card to your account and pay via this route.
• By Online Payment: payments are processed securely through PayPal. You may pay online using your credit/debt card, bank transfer or PayPal account - go to this page to begin a payment.
• By bank transfer / your banking app: the client will be given my bank details in the first session. These details (sort code, bank account) will be sufficient for you to work your banking app: to set up "ad-hoc" payments or to create a standing order. Direct debit payments are not available.
• Cash/cheque: cheques made out to Dean Richardson. Cash or cheque to be handed to the client to be given to me.
• Standing Order: my bank details are given to new clients in their first session. This information can be used to set up a standing order. However, note that whilst sessions are weekly, during bank holidays and personal holidays you will need to intervene to pause the standing order when there is no session.
• Direct Debit: Payments by direct debit are not available

Responsibilities & Logistics.

• Responsibility for the session fees remains with the client (not with the third party). If fees are not paid on the day of the session, or are not paid at all, the client is responsible for handling the matter (i.e. I will not correspond with you to chase up late payments). Repeated late- or non- payments may result in the counselling contract being ended early.
• For reasons of privacy and confidentiality I will enter into no communication with third parties about the counselling relationship nor its status (e.g. about setting up payments, responding to requests for the status of the counselling, confirming or denying if a client is in counselling with me etc). If the client wishes, any questions about payments may be put through him/her for discussion with me in session.
• Receipts are available on request, and will be given to the client to manage.

When you pay for a counselling session, you may think you're paying for your 50 (or 90) minute session. You're partially correct. Your fee also covers (either wholly or partially):

• The time I spend pre-session, during and post-session on our work.
• My expenses in hiring our consultation room.
• My public liability and indemnity insurance.
• My compulsory monthly supervisory consultations.
• Travel expenses.
• My continued research and education so that I'm practising to current standards (sometimes called "continued professional development" or CPD)
• My income to keep my fridge stocked with pies and my feet in warm socks (well... you get the idea).

When we engage in a counselling contract we begin weekly sessions (sometimes more than once a week) and each sessions is payable except: your planned vacations (up to the first 4 sessions per year), my planned vacations, public holidays, my unplanned absences.

When you cancel a session you will still be charged a fee. This is to cover expenses that I still incur for providing you my service (even in your absence):-

• Cancellations made with fewer than 48 hours' notice are charged at the full fee.
• Cancellations made with more than 48 hours' notice are charged at half the fee (because it may be possible for me to reduce my losses having been given notice of your cancellation).

All sessions - including cancellations - are payable by the day of the session, whether the session goes ahead or not.

Put it this way: have you ever gone to a cinema with your ticket from last week, and asked for your money back because you couldn't made the performance...?

First-session Deposits.

For first sessions you will be asked to pay a deposit of £30 to confirm your intention to attend. If you cancel the first session with fewer than 48 hours notice, your deposit covers the expenses that are lost. If you cancel the first session with > 48 hours, your deposit is refunded (and any expenses are cover by the counsellor).

Repeat Cancellations.

If you cancel two sessions in a row, and have not attended to paying your cancellation fee, and/or it appears in communication that you are not committed to our contract I reserve the right to withdraw my further participation. Counselling is a mutual commitment. If only I am attending sessions, and there is little or no evidence that you will be joining me, it seems inappropriate to continue with our contract.

If you cancel several sessions in a row (even if you are paying for the cancellations) I may still end our contract depending on the circumstances and the reasons for cancellation.

For example if you had cancelled due to a bereavement, gave 48 hours notice, paid your half-fee, and the following week you attended the funeral (again paying the half fee) it would be unlikely that I would be withdrawing from our contract due to the circumstances of the cancellations. Conversely, if you cancelled our sessions for vague reasons, did not send through a payment after two weeks of missed sessions, I would be left with little evidence of your intention to attend further sessions... and would likely inform you of my withdrawal.

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A few counsellors offer a no-fee 20 minute introductory session.

I don't 😉

Firstly, regarding "20 minutes" - it has been my experience over 21 years+ that people who engage in counselling need time, space and consideration to get going in a session. 20 minutes barely allows time to say "hello".

Also, as counselling sessions are usually 50 minutes, I'm not sure how helpful it is to begin a good counselling relationship by short-changing the client offering only 20 minutes, stopping us prematurely, and effectively giving the client an experience that's never going to be repeated in the whole time that we would be working together!

I've heard one or two (rather inexperienced) counsellors claim: "client's can't manage the full fifty minutes at the start" ~ I think that's a bit of a rubbish thing to think. I respectfully recognise that clients are resilient and perfectly able to manage quite a lot during 50 minutes.

Similarly, I've heard it said: "I'm not sure about counselling, I'd like a free session to see if it's for me". To that I'd ask you to consider: have you ever gone into a cinema and asked to see a film for 20 minutes for free ... to see if you'd like it or not?

So, our first session is the full 50 minutes, is a mutual interview (sometimes called an assessment for counselling - i.e. it's not about me deciding if I'm going to allow you to come again to counselling, it's us both evaluating each other… and the process between us).

I charge my full standard fee because I'm working and have expenses too (room rental, insurance, travel etc).

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It usually takes us up to a week to arrange our first session.

We'll email each other to agree a day and time.

You'll send me a £30 deposit to secure our first appointment.

I'll confirm the booking.

Because I work "one session at a time", you can book a session with me and try it for yourself.

You won't be committed to months or years of therapy. You'll only try the one 50-minute session.

It's part of my job to help you make an informed decision. If you think I'm not right for you, you can talk it over with me or choose not to enter regular counselling with me.

It's a mutual assessment... the client is seeing if the counsellor is suitable for his/her problems, and the counsellor is seeing if the client can make use of what the counsellor is offering.

Neither of us have to accept working with the other.

Only if we both recognise that this seems a good-enough fit will we continue meeting for further sessions.

If you don't think I'm the right counsellor for you, then you won't need to come to me again.

If I don't think I'm the right counsellor for you, then I'll let you know, and we won't need to meet again.

Longest: five years (approx 200 sessions).

On average? About 6 to 10 sessions seems to be a vague average, but everyone is quite unique in their needs from counselling. So, if we both agree that we're both making use of our time together, we'll continue to work together.

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Brief answer: kinda yes… but with risk to consequences.

The law does not protect privacy when there is an intention to commit a serious crime. If you tell me of your intention to cause harm to someone, or to commit terrorism, that kind of thing, the law does not allow me to keep your intentions to myself ("whistle blowing").

If you're thinking about a crime with no intention to carry it out, and you haven't already carried it out (let say: sex with someone under age), then we can discuss this in counselling: what the thoughts mean to you, what's concerning you etc. This would be unlikely to result in me telling authorities.

If you're unsure about telling me something that may be illegal, and that may put me in a position where I cannot respect your privacy, you're advise to seek independent legal advice (eg Citizen's Advice Bureaux) before discussing a matter with me.

It was introduced into the NHS via their IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies) scheme due to evidence that CBT could be delivered inexpensively, quickly and could be a preferred approach to help people move out of certain conditions (such as depression). When delivered by computer and paper forms, with support from a therapist, it can also be referred to as "low intensity" treatment.

Unfortunately, "CBT" has become a layman's generic word to refer to all sorts of therapies. If you've been told "you aught to get some CBT, mate!" by a friend or family member, they may not understand if CBT would really be helpful for you.

CBT is not the preferred approach to couple relationship counselling.

My approach to counselling is to help you (your partner, if couple counselling) and I learn how you came to arrive at your current problems, so that with new knowledge and understanding you'll become empowered to undo your own difficulties. This approach may involve some CBT, but will likely involve more effective approaches such as psychodynamic and systemic counselling.

If you've tried NHS-referred low intensity CBT and found it unhelpful, I'd be the private counsellor you'd come to for a different experience.

If you wish to make an appointment for counselling for someone other than yourself (such as a friend, a family member, someone at work) then it is important that you understand that arrangements for counselling can only be made directly between the person(s) seeking counselling and myself.

The person or persons considering counselling must make an autonomous decision to contact me and make arrangements by themselves.

If you do send me a message on someone else's behalf, or try to make an appointment for them - no matter how well intended, no matter if you have the other person's permission - I will not be able to engage with you to discuss their needs nor accept your request to make an appointment on their behalf.

Background.

Once in a while I may receive a message saying something like:

"Hi, my (husband, wife, son, daughter, friend etc) wants to come to counselling,"

"I think my (husband, wife, son, daughter, friend etc) needs counselling. I'd like to make an appointment for them…"

"I'm making appointment for my daughter and her husband as they {insert reasons here}..."

These messages are usually well-intended, but they leave me unable to know if the person(s) seeking counselling has/ve made their own decision about contacting me, or if they actually wish to make a counselling arrangement with me. Very occasionally someone makes an appointment pretending to be the person themselves - which is fraud (and illegal !).

Why Autonomy is Vital.

Counselling works by client and counsellor agreeing to work in a therapeutic alliance. No Alliance == No Effective Counselling. It can also be empowering for the person to make their own arrangements.

Counselling is not done to a person (which - I hope - does away with the faulty impression: "if I send my husband to counselling, the counsellor will make him better"); it's a mutual therapeutic engagement created by informed parties.

After all, I would argue, if a person is in such a passive or debilitated state that they cannot/will not make their own arrangements, it would be my argument that the counselling approach I offer would not be of any help to them.

Privacy.

Contacting me on behalf of someone else may also breach the other person's privacy. It's possible to regard this as an attempt to manoeuvre someone into going to a counsellor not, perhaps, for their benefit... but for yours.

I also cannot protect a person's privacy and confidentiality by corresponding with a third-party (such as emailing me to ask: "Is my brother in counselling with you? He's ill this week, but I don't know if it's you he sees"). For such enquiries, I will not respond.

In Summary.

• If a person wishes to meet me in counselling, then they are invited to review my services independently, and make contact with me directly if they so choose. Discussions on making arrangements will be made privately.
• If the position is that a person is so emotionally distressed, so debilitated with depression, or in such a terrible state that they cannot email nor telephone me to arrange their own appointment, then in all seriousness it would not be my service that the person is seeking; contacting a GP or their local hospital for a psychiatric appointment would seem to be an important decision to consider.

If you're reading this to learn how to make an appointment for someone else, please see the section above titled: "Can I send someone to counselling?"

Counselling whilst Pre-Trial is a little different from standard counselling.  There a need to be cautious, to make informed decisions. Whereas counselling is normally private and confidential, when a court trial is involved confidentiality and privacy can take on an altered state.

Counselling when a court trial is involved is not a very complicated situation, but a significant number of counsellors decline to work pre-trial because they have not investigated what's actually involved. You too must be aware of guidelines so that your trial/case is not affected by the counselling. The trial must not be prejudiced, you do not cause harm to your situation and/or you are not disappointed when the counsellor is unable to offer the service you're looking for.

For example, a barrister may want his/her client to present their evidence in a particular kind of way for the best possible outcome. When discussing such evidence with a counsellor, there is the potential for a conflict (is the counsellor being neutral, on the side of the client, on the side of someone else?) potentially interfering with what a barrister may need.

It is not unusual for someone to wish to enter counselling before their trial - if not for anything else then for someone to talk to about the stress an approaching trial is causing.

For full details, see my page: Pre-Trial Counselling.

The ability for a person to talk freely about their private lives, or in the case of a couple: their relationship, is at the core of effective counselling.

If you have received a personal recommendation to make contact with me for your own counselling by a friend, or a relation, or work-colleague (etc) who has been working with me themselves in counselling (and I am still working with that person) then I will decline to work with you until some six months after I have finished working with that person.

In such a situation, seeking a counsellor who is more than "six degrees of separation" from you (to coin a phrase) would be an appropriate approach in these circumstances.

This includes all of my services: individual counselling, couple counselling and group counselling.

This is to protect boundaries (both yours and mine) and enable the therapy work to be contained without interference from outside encounters.

An exception may be if:-

• ... you have left the social organisation, and have not been a member for at least 6 months,
• ... you do not intend to rejoin the organisation whilst we work together,
• ... you will not rejoin the organisation for a further 6 months after we have completed our work,

... then we may discuss the possibility of engaging in a counselling contract.

…and even if you are 18 years old, there is a possibility that you and I may not work well together. We can't know this unless we meet and talk, of course.

Regarding (parents) wishing to send children to me, I am qualified to work with adults only.

I have no qualifications that would support me working with children.

There are two people involved in the relationship.

If you're hoping that you coming to Couple Counselling will fix your partner, you may be turning a blind-eye to your part in the relationship.

Very occasionally I have had a couple sit in front of me, and one partner tells me something like

"the problems are caused by [him/her]. I'm just here while you work with [him/her]."

If this is a position you wish to hold (i.e. having no part in the relationship's problems) then I would not be the counsellor for you.

However, if you might be curious to learn what your part could be playing in the relationship that maybe leads you to your thoughts that your partner is the (only) one causing the problems, then form of Couple Counselling could be beneficial for you both.

Being "convinced", "persuaded", "sent" or even "forced" to enter counselling... pretty much ruins any chance of counselling being effective.

So, when you are thinking about entering couple counselling for your relationship, and you're considering my service (which uses techniques involving couple themselves as therapists targeting their own relationship) if your partner does not wish to enter couple counselling with you... couple counselling will be of absolutely no help to your relationship... at all!

And I will not be able to provide you with advice for requests such as "how do I persuade my partner to come with me into couple counselling?"

During counselling he will give you, the couple, no solutions. No answers. No "if you do this several times you will fix your problem" advice.

Instead, Dean uses a much more powerful and effective approach: your own relationship with each other.

The trouble with someone taking the position of an expert, is that the couple can make themselves powerless ("we don't know what to do") in order to invest the therapist with their power ("he will tell us what to do").

Whilst this may seem what a despairingly-unhappy couple think they want, this approach can create inappropriate dependence on someone who doesn't actually know how this couple's relationship works (think: repairing a TV by hitting it with a spanner until it works. Co-incidence? Or is the spanner a television repair expert?!) and leave the couple continually trying to do what "he says we aught to be doing".

Taking a systemic/psychodynamic facilitative approach to couple counselling (technical stuff, there!) means that the couple will receive support in developing their own resolutions to their own problems. This approach means the couple counsellor will become redundant, and the couple will continue to develop and own their own problem-resolving systems.

Plus, this approach works equally well for couples who are looking to separate and bring an end to their relationship.

If we're working in individual counselling, then I won't discuss anything you say with your partner (or anyone else you know).

If we're working in couple counselling, then my responsibility will be towards your partnership. We might wonder together how the partnership might be effected by you and I speaking with each other without your partner knowing. This isn't to say that you absolutely cannot speak with me in isolation from your partner; some matters may be appropriate for this (eg topics of domestic abuse), and we will have time during our initial sessions to meet separately if you so wish.

In subsequent correspondence (e.g. arranging an initial appointment) I will copy both of you in my emails, and will ask you both copy your partner in every email sent to me.

This is so that everyone knows what's being discussed and maintains a say in plans.

Rationale: As a systemic/psychodynamic couple counsellor, I practice a therapeutic methodology commonly called "neutrality". Your relationship is my primarily client, not the two of you. As part of practising neutrality from the beginning, I involve everyone in email correspondence as opposed to, say, replying just to you with your promise that you will (or may) share our correspondence with your partner.

If you decline to offer your partner's email address I will only be able to offer you a generalised reply.

This isn't to say that you absolutely cannot email me without your partner knowing. Sometimes an individual wishes to discuss matters without their partner knowing… and we allow for this such private correspondence with the understanding that we'll also discuss how we later inform your partner as to what is being discussed without their knowledge.

But this shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what counselling is, and what the counselling process offers.

Counselling is not like when you go to a GP, you describe your symptoms, then the doctor prescribes something that will fix you (all without you having to do much except take a pill, or turn up for an operation).

Counselling is a process that involves you (your partner, and/or your group) and the counsellor together in a form of collaboration.

This collaboration takes a little time to get going - but once it's going it can be a valuable resource.

For example, couple counselling often takes around 4 sessions (one a week) before everyone has had the time to talk about and to discover what the couple's relationship may need from counselling.

It's an involved process, and everyone needs to take part.

Interrupting the process that I employ (e.g. "We can attend this week, but then I'm away, and then we're both away for holiday for 2 weeks, but we can come back for a session maybe sometime in August...") would probably be a waste of your time, my time, and your money.

So, if you're asking to come and be "fixed", and you're not willing to take part in a collaboration with me, or you're not willing to attend weekly (uninterrupted sessions) then I will likely decline to meet with you (after doing a little checking out with you, of course). The reason: it may be that you're seeking a different intervention to what I offer.

For emergency intervention, consider contacting The Samaritans ~ http://samaritans.org/