Open Relationship Counselling for LGBT /QIA+
LGBT /QIA+ Open Relationships in Therapy
Let's talk about how Lesbian, Gay, Bi & Queer people in an intimate, open relationship sometimes use counselling support for their open relationship. How do LGBT/QIA+ work in therapy sessions with British Professional Specialist Dean Richardson MNCS(Accred/Reg) - an established relationship counsellor of over 21 years+ experience...
Defining an Open Relationship
You may have searched Google for a counsellor for a couple in an open relationship, hoping to find an experienced counsellor who works with intimate couples who have opened their relationship to polyamory and/or non-monogamy (whether by prior arrangement, managing a recent invitation from their partner, or discovering what appeared – at first sight – to be an affair).
Yet, when you looked at the counsellor’s website, you may have been left wondering: “well… do they work with open relationships?! 🤔”
Open Relationship Couple Counselling from Dean Richardson MNCS(Accred/Reg) would be the service you’d consider:
- when your open relationship has developed difficulties you cannot manage together,
- when you and your partner are interested in opening your relationship, but don’t know where to start,
- when you one partner may have invited the other to open their relationship, and the couple want to discuss the matter before they take things further.
An open relationship (sometimes called non-monogamy or non-exclusive) is an intimate form of relationship that incorporates sexual activities with other partners (whether involving the couple together or one partner alone). The term generally indicates a relationship where there is a primary emotional and intimate relationship between two partners who have agreed (whether explicitly or not) to manage (at least the possibility of) sexual intimacy with other people.
Aims of Open Relationship Counselling
A primary purpose of open-relationship couple counselling is to support the couple in creating their own effective approach to resolving open-relationship conflicts.
Unlike some other services, this is not a one-size-fits-all nor a manualised approach to therapy. This is a facilitated approach with a professionally experienced counsellor, working with the couple to develop a therapeutic intervention that works for their distinct and unique relationship.
An effective therapeutic service for two adults, a couple-in-conflict may bring their struggles into counselling to develop their own, unique, insightful approach to resolving relationship problems… with the added bonus of needing no further counselling sessions once they’re done!
In beginning this approach Dean moves the couple from a blaming/lost position into a creative/solution-finding position, gaining new information about their relationship:-
- Curiosity (initiated through Counselling)… leading to → New Information.
- New Information… leading to → New Options.
- New Options… leading to → Negotiating / Making New Choices.
- New Choices… leading to → Transforming the Relationship (through informed empowerment).
- Transformation underway (partners may leave counselling).
By becoming innovative (at a pace you can manage well), we begin to move from the focus of our work are our problems into a place of hypothesis, checking things out, learning, and putting in place newer behaviour. Then we’ll say goodbye.
Dean is a fully qualified and experienced couple relationship counsellor. He employs effective couple-therapy theoretical frameworks that have been around and developed since the 1970s.
He employs such therapeutically-effective approaches to open relationships because:
(a) his therapeutic approach doesn’t attempt to prescribe what a “normal” couple should be doing, and
(b) his therapeutic approach doesn’t make prescriptions of the order: “what a couple in this situation would do is…”
In this way, open relationship counselling focuses upon the open-couple’s own relationship, their own behaviour and their own needs (rather than someone else’s belief about how a successful open-relationship ought to be).
Exciting, isn’t it?!
Planning an Open Relationship
Some other couples, however, use counselling to plan their open relationship.
Planning an open relationship – along with Dean as their therapist – can see the couple create a living document together: an agreement based upon informed decisions made from detailed discussions.
Dean provides the insight and curiosity (“you’ve said ‘A’ but what about situation ‘B’?).
For example: the couple may decide that neither partner may engage sexually with someone known to the other partner. The couple may decide that their agreement is to focus on non-monogamy rather than polyamory (see my definition of non-monogamy vs polyamory ). The couple may learn of previously-unknown emotional insecurities within their partnership and incorporate a process to mitigate or care-for the emotional vulnerabilities of their relationship plan. Finally, the couple may or may not decide that after looking into creating their own Open Relationship Living Document that opening the relationship is ultimately not what they want to do. At the same time they may take away some learning from the process to incorporate back into their exclusive relationship (such as, perhaps, more sexual playfulness).
Whatever you and your partner want to do with an Open Relationship, it can take just a handful of counselling sessions (average: 6) to assist you in working-out where you would like to take your relationship… together.
Puzzling out Relationship Behaviour
Maybe think of Couple Counselling like this story:- a couple come into counselling carrying an open box. Within the box are many jigsaw pieces, all mixed up. The couple supposes that all the pieces are there. When they have been taking out pieces, one might say: “a blue piece – this obviously means it’s ‘sky’!” and tries to fit the piece to others that may also be sky. The other partner might say: “no, blue means ‘sea’!” and tries to connect the piece to bits that might be sea. An argument ensues because some pieces are fitting together and other aren’t; the couple are fighting over what the picture is meant to look like.
A major contributing factor is: no-one knows where the box lid is; the couple have no picture reference. They haven’t discussed/agreed upon what the jigsaw looks like and each partner has their individual ideas of what this jigsaw picture is supposed to be.
If the jigsaw puzzle is the couple’s relationship what does counselling do to help the couple rebuild the lost-picture-of-their-relationship?
In session, the counsellor’s role includes facilitating the couple into discussing, negotiating and agreeing / empathising / compromising upon what each piece might be in the context of this relationship (new information → inspiration, negotiation, compromise), how each piece might fit with others, and working together to build their own picture. We’re supporting each other in hypothesising “if a blue piece could be more than only sky or sea what else could it be?” to empower the couple with newer (piece fitting…) options to help to build this new relationship picture.
The couple (at their own pace) become empowered into making their own hypotheses together and the counsellor begins to step back from holding the concept of the couple’s relationship in his mind. The couple are discovering new information and are making new, informed choices sufficiently for the pieces of their relationship to fit together, better than before, and a clearer picture is developing in front of them.
Therapy achieved alongside you
A common assumption about couple counselling is often based upon a GP/Doctor experience: the couple describe their symptoms and expect the therapist to prescribe how they fix things.
If this is so, a couple’s first disappointment will be for them to learn how to manage: “why isn’t the counsellor fixing us?!”
As a Couple Counsellor, Dean practices a systemic/psychodynamic form of couple relationship counselling; he takes a neutral stance within the therapeutic alliance in order to learn how the couple pull and push together. He’s listening within the stories for common/conjoined anxieties (hidden within the couple’s behaviour). This approach may relieve you of the need to pull the counsellor into an adjudicating position (deciding who is right or wrong). In fact, it could be helpful to discuss – in session – any recognition of such needs.
This is just one of the extraordinary therapeutic approaches that Dean employs to work alongside a couple, rather than employing exercises at the couple. The couple are invited to participate within the therapy as equal participants: becoming therapists themselves working to resolve open relationship difficulties.
Two Video Devices
Dean Richardson has more than 14 years’ practice in Couple Counselling via Video Conferencing (Skype, Zoom etc). His original focus was working with couples in Long Distance Relationships (i.e. partners being in a different countries to each other would have to use one device each).
As 2019’s pandemic developed, Dean discovered a therapeutically useful phenomenon for couples seeking remote counselling services over video: couples living together also benefited from using individual devices (i.e. one device each, sitting in different rooms from each other); couples reported back that the approach gave them a helpful sense of “we’re not at home” during therapy.
This means that Dean’s particular approach empowers couples to talk with each other, in counselling, about subjects that couldn’t usually be discussed “at home” (or, at least, not in the early stages of counselling). Difficult subjects became more accessible due to the use of two video devices (any mix of Smartphones, tablets, PCs, Macs etc available to the couple).
So, as you consider entering counselling with Dean Richardson for Zoom/Skype Video Counselling, the following Preparations for Video Counselling will be helpful to you both…
Unlimited or Set Number of Counselling Sessions
NHS facilities and some mental health charities offer you a limited or set number of sessions. The limit may be around 6 or 12 sessions. Sometimes this may mean you will end counselling before your full requirements are addressed.
Dean effective therapy approach comes from his private practice. He asks you to commit to a regular, weekly attendance. The number of sessions available to you has no artificial limit. You can attend for as long, or short, as therapy is helping.
When our counselling work is established, you may like to discuss setting number of sessions. This can help with budgeting, availability, new matters coming into the counselling, or other matters. We will discuss possibilities before changes were put in place so that everyone is happy.
Primarily, as your distinct relationship, the therapeutic needs of the couple are of great concern. Financial matters are important, and we can amply deal with those.
Different from Couple Counselling?
A greater proportion of Open Relationship Couple Counselling is discussed on my Couple Counselling page, as the two approaches have a similar core.
About Dean Richardson MNCS(Accred/Reg)
Given that this will be the most intimate and vulnerable you could be with your partner(s), you would want a talented professional whose expertise you can trust. Your couple or group relationship will be in good hands with Dean. He works from Great Britain, is Independent of "box 'em/shift 'e" organisations. He identifies as a gay couple counsellor. He is easily payable in pounds sterling! Dean already had an impressive 14 years actual video webcam experience way before the first British emergency began (did you notice other counsellors suddenly adding a video option to their portfolio?! 🤔).
What makes Dean a Distinct Counsellor
- Dean is sensitive and effective to your sexuality / gender-identity and intimate ways of relating to each other.
- You'll discover quickly that Dean is an informed member of your own community.
- Dean demonstrates adept skills with lesbian, gay, bisexual, asexual, mixed sexuality and same-or-mixed gender relationships. He avoids the role of an "all-knowing expert"; experts don't learn & respond, they instruct!
- Dean speaks plain English (and can swear like a virtuoso if you like, or not at all if you prefer). He works cooperatively with your relationship (no unnecessary silence, or just "hmms...").
- Dean is proud to be an accredited member of The National Counselling Society. Accreditation is a valued recognition, originally awarded 12 years ago from another professional body. Accreditation usefully validates a counsellor's substantial experience and attention to ethical practice. Dean is a member of the Psychotherapy and Counselling Union of Great Britain.
Specialist in LGBT/QIA+ Relationships
Dean focuses on LGBT/QIA+ relationships as a specialty in therapy. He works with individuals, couples and small groups. Plus, he's qualified to a postgraduate level (Chichester PG Diploma in Psychodynamic/Systemic Couple Counselling, IGA National Foundation in Group Counselling) as a private practice counsellor*.
(*Note: not all counsellors, particularly those who are commonly qualified in Individual Counselling, have such specific qualifications for working with couples or groups. Nor do they have therapeutic relationship experience. Such counsellors may try, perhaps out of misplaced goodwill, to employ "individual" techniques but will find they are ineffective. This is simply because your relationship is not part of their primary theoretical framework nor rationale. A couple is not "individual-counselling-multiplied-by-two!" Remember to always ask your potential counsellor: "what qualifies you to work with our relationship?" and trust your instincts based on the responses you hear).
- 1 Open Relationship Counselling for LGBT /QIA+
- 1.1 LGBT /QIA+ Open Relationships in Therapy
- 1.2 Defining an Open Relationship
- 1.3 Aims of Open Relationship Counselling
- 1.4 Nonnormative Therapy
- 1.5 Planning an Open Relationship
- 1.6 Puzzling out Relationship Behaviour
- 1.7 Therapy achieved alongside you
- 1.8 Two Video Devices
- 1.9 Unlimited or Set Number of Counselling Sessions
- 1.10 Different from Couple Counselling?
- 1.11 About Dean Richardson MNCS(Accred/Reg)