Intro to Couple Counselling Myths
I’m sure the topic of couples counselling for our LGBTQ+ community conjures up at least one or two scary thoughts and images in your mind.
These features might be about what you’re expecting an LGBTQ+ couple counsellor is going to “do” to your relationship or what horrorible kind of exercises they are going to tell you to do.
Maybe you have very high hopes about what the counsellor is going to do to cure your relationship of all of its ills and are not aware that you’ll have some work to make these hopes happen.
Whatever is in your mind, myths and rumours stop you from contacting a couples counsellor (although you are still interested, because you arrived at this article).
Is one of your misconceptions or myths not on this list?
[Add it in the comments below] and Dean will answer your concerns…
Let me assure you that there are many LGBTQ+ couples that came before you who have gone through couple therapy together with the author of this article: Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg). A good handful of them who had misunderstandings and believed erroneous myths about the counselling process were relieved to find they had very little to worry about.
If you’re one of the many LGBTQ+ couples who are considering counselling for your relationship problems but you have worries or concerns that are holding you back, I hope that the following Myths and Misconceptions (along with my clarifications!) will help relieve your anxiety and show you how helpful couple counselling can be for queer partners’ needs.
Clarifying Common Myths…
⚠️ GUIDE… as you read each point, it is a misconception about couple counselling (the myth is either wholly or partially untrue). I’ve added commentary in italics to help explain each point, what the reality is, and why it is a myth.
- Couple Counselling is for heterosexual partnerships only. The original form of relationship (family) therapy (systemic/psychodynamic-based theoretical approach designed by the Milan Associates) was agnostic toward sexual orientation. The focus was on how family members behave with each other. The same applies to LGBTQ+ couple counselling – we’re interested in the behaviour and how we go about making beneficial changes. We respect and acknowledge that non-heteronormative relationships have distinct demands and needs based on each partner’s differing identification. Systemic/psychodynamic couples counselling (as offered by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) is effective for a majority of LGBTQIA++ relationships, and a specialist LGBTQ+ counsellor Dean has additional qualities beyond those a general counsellor has.
- The sole purpose of couple counselling is to keep the couple together.No, it is not. Couple counselling starts with a discussion with the partners about what they want from the counselling work that is to come. The couple’s agreed objective can also be reviewed and altered at any time during the counselling work. So, an objective might include finding ways to separate amicably.
- Couple Counselling is only for couples whose relationship is in a bad crisis.Nope – couples can make use of counselling even when their relationship is calm and cooperative. For example, some couples wishing to plan for some changes (e.g. a birth, a death, opening the sexual engagement side of their relationship, etc.) can make good use of couple counselling.
- The couple has to have the same wants from counselling. Kinda, but not kinda. Regularly a couple may enter counselling with the same wants (e.g. repair the relationship) but may have different thoughts about how this is to be achieved. Sometimes a couple will come in with different wants from their relationship, which their partner is not in agreement with. A skilled counsellor, such as Dean, can assist the couple with negotiations and compromises. Unfortunately, if the couple cannot – or will not – discuss and compromise with one another with the counsellor as facilitator, a couple with incompatible, immovable agendas will not find couple counselling is the solution they’re looking for.
- LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling is a scam for ‘conversion therapy’. Absolutely not. Couples counselling for LGBTQIA+ relationships is a queer-positive therapeutic process that respects you and your partner’s sexuality and gender identity. We’re only interested in changing your relationship’s behaviour to both of your satisfaction; nothing more.
- Only couples in a bad relationship go to counselling.Couples in “good” relationships can make use of therapeutic conversations, too.
- Counselling is only available if a couple have tried everything else first.Counselling cannot resurrect a relationship that is, to all intents and purposes, ended. It’s a better idea to consider counselling early with a relationship’s difficulties, rather than to leave counselling to the very last moment or consider it after everything else failed.
- The couple therapist will fix one partner to the other’s satisfaction.The counsellor will not (actually cannot) change anyone to anyone else’s satisfaction. But maybe there’s space here to talk about what changes both would like to see each partner if they are willing to engage with and discuss your needs and requests.
- Counselling stops when someone wants to end the relationship.Assuming the partner hasn’t walked out of counselling never to return, couple counselling can continue after someone shares that they want to end the relationship. When both partners come to a mutual or negotiated decision to end their relationship, counselling can become a supportive process in helping them process through this. Should one person leave couple counselling, the remaining partner is not cast out and is welcome to complete their work alone.
- Only the partner who is “the problem” needs to do couple counselling; the other can either sit in the room and watch (e.g. being supportive) or stay at home.Couple counselling is a therapeutic process for two people – there are no observers in the room. It’s ideal for you both to bring your relationship together into the counselling session because both of you are affected by “the problem”.
- It’s about finding all the faults and then fixing them.Maybe a little sometimes. But we certainly look at the relationship’s behaviour with interest and curiosity to learn and amend, without having to identify (or “point at”) faults or the one who-is-at-fault.
- The therapist will pick a side (e.g. a male therapist will side with the man or with the woman if he fancies her, etc.).Couple counsellors (working in a systemic model of therapy), as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) does, maintain a position of “neutrality”. The counsellor does not take sides or judge one partner as being “in the right”. Neutrality allows for both partners to have their (sometimes opposing) points of view without being judged or evaluated as right/wrong by the counsellor.
- The therapist’s belief is that the couple’s relationship must continue at all costs.This isn’t the therapist’s belief to hold; he follows what the couple themselves want, even if the couple change their decision (sometimes several times) during the work. Some couples end their work for now and return later.
- The therapist is a judge; each partner will plead their case to him, and he will make a decision.To me this sounds more like arbitration; it’s certainly not couple counselling. The counsellor may have observations (such as noticing what triggers an argument) which he may share with the couple for their awareness and to make use of. The therapist will not make judgements (i.e. declaring which partner is the “winner”).
- Couple therapy cannot take place when one or both partners are in individual therapy.Couple therapy is compatible with individual therapy. Couple therapy focuses more on working with the couple’s relationship and less on one or both individuals’ personal needs.
- The couple must be facing a break-up if they want counselling.Not at all; counselling can help manage all sorts of difficulties that are unrelated to a break-up.
- If the couple argue outside of the therapy, then it’s obviously not working.If I say to you that homework might involve having an argument (and making observations for discussion in the next session)… a couple may bring their argument into counselling for discussion, curiosity, and to learn what it’s really about. This is just an example, albeit a real one.
- The couple aren’t allowed to argue in session.The counsellor cannot prevent arguments, but he may discuss with the couple (a) how they might interrupt an argument (if they wish to) and (b) when they might like the counsellor to interrupt an argument (if they wish him to). Arguments are certainly permissable.
- The therapist will prescribe to the couple how they are to fix their problems (aka tell them what to do).The therapist is a skilled facilitator with knowledge of relationship psychology and abilities to help the couple see what they’ve not seen before. He’s also not a pseudo GP (a doctor, to non-UK readers) who prescribes solutions to relationship “illnesses”.
- Only one person is the problem; the other is without fault. The counsellor will identify which one.Thinking about a system, parts of the system work together to produce an outcome. Sometimes a system is faulty, and usually it’s a collection of matters (one behaviour leads to another in response). A relationship is a system, too, with behaviours that can be tuned or improved upon. Identifying one person as the fault in the relationship seems unhelpful at best.
- (Domestic Abuse) The abuser is the one at fault; the other is innocent.In reality, the couple can work together on ceasing domestic abuse.
- All couples can benefit from couple counselling.Unfortunately, some couples cannot be helped by counselling, perhaps because they do not wish to embrace any change, are stuck in blaming the other, a partner won’t recognise the part they play, etc., or the couple are unable to make use of the process offered by the counsellor.
- The couple can only use therapy if the crisis is happening right now.Actually, discussing a crisis when it’s not happening can give the couple space for clear thought and can support inspiration for changes that might be considered. Sometimes crises that had occurred many years ago can be discussed in counselling.
- Counselling finishes when the problem has / all the problems have gone away.Actually, [systemic / psychodynamic] couple counselling assists the couple in creating processes to manage their problems more autonomously. They gain the ability to manage their own problems. A couple is welcome to leave counselling with ongoing problem(s), but with them managing their needs better than before.
- Counselling is only an excuse for a partner to justify their decision to divorce (to gain information for their solicitor).It could be, but this isn’t a rationale for couples entering counselling (although it may be a secret one for one or both partners). A person trying to use counselling in a manner in which it is not intended, such as secretly documenting what their partner offers, is beyond the scope of this article – but you can form your own opinions on this kind of behaviour.
- The relationship is already over before a couple enters counselling.Not strictly true if we’re referring to the counselling process, as a new(er) relationship can be forged between the couple. It is true that counselling cannot/will not rescue a relationship where one or both partners have decided they want to separate.
- Couple counselling is a way to get information about the partner before a divorce.The systemic approach to counselling is not conducive to gaining information for a divorce, apart from the fact that the seeker would hold a hidden agenda and would be behaving dishonestly in sessions.
- If we go to counselling, the counsellor can be a witness in a divorce settlement.Counsellors are aware of the law and requests that solicitors may make for their notes, etc. As the counsellor remains neutral through a counselling case, his neutrality makes him rather useless if one party is seeking him to give evidence detrimental to the other partner.
- I can keep a secret agenda away from the counselling.You don’t have to reveal anything you don’t want to in counselling. However, if you have an agenda that’s going contrary to the purpose of the counselling (e.g. you want to separate, but you’re saying that you want to stay together), the counselling process will notice something “isn’t quite right”, to coin a phrase, and may very well struggle to be of much help to the couple.
- The counsellor’s notes about your partner can be requested in a GDPR request.Most counsellors write personal process notes (that is, notes for the counsellor about what’s going on in their head, their thoughts etc), but not all counsellors write permanent notes on the couple themselves. When notes are about a couple’s relationship, a GDPR data request will require both parties’ permission, and only the data given to the counsellor may be requested (i.e., the counsellor’s private process notes are not privy to others).
- Couple Counselling for LGBTQ+ Relationships is a Religious Scam. Admittedly, I have seen several adverts on social media that promote couples therapy services as being orientated towards “the biblical definition of marriage”. Ehem. This service (LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk) is a secular-based service, and whilst it respects whatever religious and secular beliefs you hold, it imposes no religious agenda, nor what the bible dictates is a marriage.
Thank you to Dr. Sue Johnson on Twitter for inviting the conversation: “What’s the biggest misconception about couple therapy?” – 23rd August, 2022 – which inspired this article. Go take a look at the latest comments.
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