My Partner Wants an Open Relationship and I Don’t – What Do We Do?

Introduction

The Open Relationship Dilemma

Your partner has told you that they want an open relationship.

You do not.

You may be wondering whether you are being unreasonable, whether saying no makes you controlling, whether your partner still loves you, or whether the relationship is now at risk.

For LGBTQ+ couples, there can be additional questions. One partner may be bisexual. Someone may have come out later in life, be questioning their sexuality, or be transitioning. The issue may have arisen alongside sexual difficulties, attraction to someone else, or a growing sense that the relationship no longer meets one partner’s needs.

There is no universal answer to what you should do, but let’s take a journey through a process that might help you:

But to get started, I’d suggest there is a simple starting point:

You do not have to agree to an open relationship, just because the option is presented to you.

Your partner is entitled to want an ethically non-monogamous relationship. You are entitled to want a monogamous one. The important question is whether the two of you can understand what each person wants and whether there is a relationship that both of you can genuinely choose.

Let’s see if we can work this through.

You Do Not Have to Agree to an Open Relationship.

Worry, panic.

Being LGBTQ+ does not mean that you are expected to be non-monogamous.

LGBTQ+ couples have monogamous, open and polyamorous relationships. Sexual identity does not prescribe relationship structure. You do not have to become comfortable with non-monogamy because your partner is comfortable with it. You do not have to prove that you are sufficiently open-minded, trusting or sexually adventurous. At the same time, your partner does not have to want the kind of relationship that you want.

That can be difficult to accept, because it means there may not be a simple compromise. But it is important not to confuse disagreement with fault.

The central issue is consent.

There is a significant difference between:

I am willing to explore this because I genuinely want to.

and:

I will agree because I am frightened that my partner will leave if I say no.

Both may look like agreement from the outside. They are not the same experience.

Genuine consent means that you are able to choose the relationship without being coerced, threatened or made to feel that you must abandon your own needs to keep it.

First, Understand What Is Actually Happening.

What’s Actually Happening?

“I want an open relationship” can describe several very different situations. Before deciding what to do, work out which one you are actually dealing with.

1. Your partner is genuinely exploring the idea.

Your partner may be saying:

I have realised that I might want a non-monogamous relationship. Can we talk about it?

This is a proposal to change the relationship. It may be difficult, but nothing necessarily has gone wrong.

You can ask what your partner actually means. They may be thinking about occasional sex, dating, ongoing sexual partners, romantic relationships, threesomes, or something closer to polyamory. They may not know themselves.

It is difficult to negotiate an arrangement when neither person has established what is being proposed.

2. You are being pressured to agree.

The situation is different if the message becomes:

If you really loved me, you would agree.

or:

If you trusted me, you wouldn’t have a problem with it.

You may even be told that refusing makes you jealous, insecure, controlling or insufficiently accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships.

Your partner is allowed to want (ethical) non-monogamy. That does not give them the right to redefine your consent.

You can trust your partner and still want sexual exclusivity. You can love your partner and still know that an open relationship is not for you.

3. Something has already happened.

This needs to be treated separately.

Perhaps your partner has already been using Grindr, HER or another dating app. Perhaps they have been messaging someone, meeting someone or having sex with someone else.

If you previously understood your relationship to be monogamous, a later proposal to “open” the relationship does not automatically make what has already happened consensual.

There are then two separate questions:

1. What has already happened?
2. What do we want the relationship to be now?

If an agreement is being proposed after a boundary has already been crossed, trust and honesty may need to be addressed before you can have a meaningful discussion about non-monogamy.

So what is your partner actually asking for?

Before arguing about whether the relationship should be open, ask:

What is it that you actually want?

And ask a second question:

Why do you want it?

The answers matter.

Your partner may genuinely prefer non-monogamy. They may want sexual freedom. They may have become attracted to someone else. They may feel sexually frustrated. They may be exploring a change in their identity. Or they may be unhappy in the relationship and see an open relationship as a way to avoid a breakup. We have to understand something of this to help you both make a decision together. These are different problems, even if they initially produce the same sentence: “I want an open relationship.”

Can Both Partners Genuinely Choose This Relationship?

Choosing a New(er) Relationship

Once you understand what is being proposed, the central question becomes whether both of you can genuinely choose it.

This is about more than negotiating rules.

Sexuality does not determine relationship structure.

A bisexual person does not need relationships with more than one gender for their bisexuality to be real. Being bisexual does not make monogamy inappropriate.

Equally, a bisexual person may genuinely prefer a non-monogamous relationship.

The important distinction is between sexual identity and relationship structure. They are not the same thing.

The same principle applies if a partner has come out later in life, is questioning their sexuality, or is transitioning. Changes in identity can lead someone to rethink attraction, sex, relationships and the life they want. Those changes deserve to be taken seriously, but they do not automatically determine whether the relationship should become open.

The questions remain:

• What has changed?
• What does each of you want now?
• What does each of you need?
• What can each of you genuinely consent to?

Is an open relationship actually solving the problem?

Sometimes the proposal appears after difficulties with sex or intimacy.

Perhaps you are having very little sex. Perhaps your libidos are different. Perhaps one partner feels rejected, lonely or sexually frustrated.

Opening the relationship may be something you both genuinely want. But it should not automatically be treated as the solution to an existing problem.

A useful question is:

If our relationship were already sexually satisfying and we were getting on well, would you still want an open relationship?

The answer may help you understand whether non-monogamy is the issue or whether it is being proposed as a response to something else.

What about trust, jealousy and boundaries?

Trust does not mean wanting the same relationship structure.

You can trust your partner completely and still not want them to have sex with other people.

Jealousy does not automatically mean that you are insecure or unreasonable. It may reflect fear of losing your partner, concern about being replaced, previous damage to trust, or simply a strong preference for sexual and romantic exclusivity.

Rather than asking whether you should feel jealous, ask what the jealousy is telling you about what you need and value.

There is also an important distinction between a boundary and an attempt to control someone else’s behaviour.

“You are not allowed to have sex with anyone else” attempts to control another person’s action.

“I do not want to participate in a relationship where my partner has sex with other people” describes the relationship you are personally willing to be part of.

Your partner cannot decide what you want for you. You cannot decide what your partner wants for them.

That is why genuine consent matters so much.

What if you say yes but do not really mean it?

This is one of the most important questions to ask yourself.

If you would reject an open relationship if you knew your partner would stay with you whatever you decided, then your agreement may be driven by fear rather than genuine willingness.

Ask yourself:

• Would I choose this if I knew my relationship was not at risk?
• Am I curious about non-monogamy or frightened of losing my partner?
• Would I still choose it if there were no other person involved?
• Am I agreeing because I want to or because I feel I have no alternative?

You do not have to decide that an open relationship is acceptable simply because your partner wants one.

Rules are not the same as security.

If both of you genuinely want to explore non-monogamy, there may eventually be practical issues to discuss: sex with others, dating, repeat partners, romantic relationships, safer sex, disclosure, time, sleepovers and what happens if one person becomes uncomfortable.

But a detailed set of rules cannot compensate for an absence of genuine consent.

Before deciding what the rules should be, ask:

What does each of us need in order to feel able to participate in this relationship?

What If You Want Different Relationships?

Wanting Different Relationships

This may ultimately be the hardest part.

You may genuinely want monogamy.

Your partner may genuinely want non-monogamy.

Neither person necessarily has to be wrong.

You may both be describing genuine and incompatible needs.

There may be a compromise.

Some couples find an arrangement that works for both of them. Occasionally a proposal that initially feels impossible turns out to be different from what the other partner feared. Sometimes one partner changes their mind. Sometimes both discover that the original disagreement was actually about something else.

But compromise does not necessarily mean that one partner reluctantly accepts something they fundamentally do not want.

There may be incompatibility.

There is no guaranteed compromise between monogamy and non-monogamy.

If one person genuinely needs a monogamous relationship and the other genuinely needs a non-monogamous one, continuing to negotiate indefinitely may not resolve the underlying difference.

That does not mean that either person has failed.

Sometimes the painful discovery is that two people who love each other want fundamentally different kinds of relationship.

The question then becomes not “Who is right?” but:

Can we both genuinely choose the relationship that is available to us?

If the answer is no, that is important information.

What Should We Do Next?

Planning an Open Relationship

You do not have to make a permanent decision while you are frightened, angry or overwhelmed.

If your partner has only just raised the subject, you can say:

I do not know whether I can agree to this. I need to understand what you are asking for and how I feel about it before making a decision.

That gives you space to establish what is actually happening and whether the two of you are talking about exploration, pressure or something that has already happened.

A practical decision framework

Before agreeing to anything, consider working through these questions together as a couple:

1. What exactly is being proposed?
   Do not rely on the term “open relationship”. Establish what your partner means, specifically.
2. Why does my partner want it?
   Is this about non-monogamy itself, sex, another person, identity, dissatisfaction or something else?
3. Why do I not want it?
   Is monogamy important to me? Am I frightened? Has trust been damaged? Or do I simply know that non-monogamy is not for me?
4. Has anything already happened?
   If so, address that honestly before treating the relationship as though it were already open.
5. Am I being asked to consent or being pressured to surrender?
   There is a difference between discussing a possibility and being told that you must accept it.
6. Are we trying to solve another problem?
   If sex, intimacy, resentment or trust were already difficult, opening the relationship may not resolve the underlying issue.
7. Could I genuinely choose this relationship?
   Not merely tolerate it to prevent a breakup, but actually choose it.
8. Could my partner genuinely choose the relationship I want?
   If not, you may be facing a question of compatibility rather than negotiation.

When might counselling help?

LGBTQ+ couple counselling may be particularly useful when you cannot have this conversation without reaching the same argument.

It can be helpful when:

• One partner wants an open relationship, and the other does not;
• One partner feels pressured to agree;
• something has already happened outside the relationship agreement;
• There is a third person involved;
• Sex or intimacy was already difficult;
• Jealousy or fear has become overwhelming;
• One partner has come out or is questioning their sexuality;
• You are unsure whether the issue is really about non-monogamy
• or you suspect that you may simply want different kinds of relationships.

The purpose of counselling is not to persuade one partner to become monogamous or the other to become non-monogamous.

It is to understand what is happening between you, what each person wants, what each person can genuinely consent to, and whether there is a way forward that both partners can freely choose.

For some couples, that leads to a mutually agreed arrangement. For others, it identifies an underlying issue that needs attention first. Sometimes it helps two people recognise an incompatibility that they have been unable to acknowledge on their own.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for an LGBTQ+ partner to want an open relationship?

LGBTQ+ people have a wide range of relationship preferences, including monogamy and non-monogamy. The useful question is not whether your partner’s preference is “normal”, but whether the two of you can agree on a relationship that you both genuinely want.

Does being bisexual mean someone needs an open relationship?

No. Bisexuality does not require relationships with more than one gender, and being bisexual does not make monogamy inappropriate. A bisexual person may be monogamous or non-monogamous.

What if I say no?

You are allowed to say no to participating in a relationship structure that you do not want. Your partner may then have to decide what their own needs mean for the future of the relationship.

What if my partner has already had sex with someone else?

First establish what happened and what the existing relationship agreement was. A later proposal to become open does not automatically make previous behaviour consensual. Trust and honesty may need to be addressed before discussing the future.

Should I agree to try an open relationship?

Only if you can genuinely choose to explore it. Agreeing because you are frightened that your partner will leave is very different from freely wanting to explore non-monogamy.

What if we simply cannot agree?

You may discover a compromise, change your minds, or identify another problem that needs addressing. You may also discover that you want fundamentally different relationships. Counselling can help you explore those possibilities without assuming in advance that either person is right or wrong.

Could LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling Help?

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling on Video

If your partner wants an open relationship and you do not, you do not have to resolve the whole question by yourselves before seeking help.

Counselling can provide a structured space to understand what each of you is asking for, what may have changed, whether anything has already happened outside the relationship agreement, and whether both of you can genuinely choose the relationship you are trying to create.

The aim is not to manufacture agreement.

It is to help you understand the relationship clearly enough to make an informed decision about what happens next.

Find out more about Open Relationship Counselling for LGBTQ+ Couples.