Wondering how couple counselling actually works? If you have never experienced counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships, it will be difficult to know what actually happens when you sit down with your relationship counsellor on your computer monitor (i.e. video conferencing therapy).
- Does the counsellor tell you who is right and who is wrong?
- Do you just talk about your arguments?
- Will you be given exercises to complete at home?
- What happens if you and your partner disagree with each other during the session?
- And, perhaps most importantly, can couple counselling actually strengthen your distinct relationship?
These are reasonable questions that any couple would ask – and I, Counsellor Dean Richardson, will try to answer what’s on your mind.
Couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting in the same room. A relationship is the focus of the work itself.
The counsellor is there to help you both understand:
- what happens between you (your relationship “system”, for example),
- to identify patterns that have become difficult to change,
- and help you develop different ways of responding to relationship problems.
For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important. Your relationship does not have to fit a heterosexual model of what a couple “should” look like. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, mixed-orientation, open and non-monogamous relationships can all have their own structures, expectations and difficulties.
At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the approach is specifically designed around LGBTQ+ relationships rather than expecting queer partners to conform to a predetermined heteronormative model (as other counsellors, ignorant of LGBTQ+ lifestyles and challenges, may do).
What is Couple Counselling?
Couple counselling is a form of therapy in which the relationship is the focus of the counselling.
You and your partner bring the relationship difficulties you are experiencing, and the counsellor helps you examine what is happening between you.
Relationship problems you might bring could include:
- repeated arguments that never seem to get resolved
- difficulties communicating
- feeling that your partner no longer understands you
- emotional distance or loss of intimacy
- problems with trust
- jealousy or insecurity
- disagreements about sex
- deciding whether to open a relationship
- difficulties following a change in your relationship
- resentment about responsibilities or behaviour
- the effects of previous experiences on the relationship
- considering separation or whether the relationship can continue.
Occasionally a couple knows that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is. Occasionally the problem is obvious.
The purpose of counselling is not necessarily to arrive at an immediate explanation. The process can involve discovering what is happening within the relationship and why particular patterns keep repeating.
This is why couple counselling can be useful even when you have already talked about the problem many times.
You may have talked about it repeatedly without actually changing the pattern.
How does Couple Counselling Work?
There are different approaches to couple counselling, and different counsellors work in different ways.
The approach used by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) integrates systemic and psychodynamic theoretical models of therapy. Don’t worry, though; he’ll speak in plain English, and you don’t have to understand what these models mean for them to be helpful.
Theoretical Models Simplified
A systemic approach looks at your relationship as a system: what one partner does, how the other responds, and how those responses then influence what happens next.
For example:
One partner becomes anxious →they seek reassurance →the other partner feels pressured and withdraws →the first partner becomes more anxious and seeks even more reassurance →the second partner feels invaded and becomes angry
In this example both partners have become caught in the pattern without either deliberately choosing it.
The question therefore becomes less about “Which one of us is causing the problem?” and more about “What is happening between us, and how are we both becoming caught in it?”
This is the key to the systemic part of couples counselling.
A psychodynamic element can also help explore less obvious influences on the relationship. Previous experiences, anxieties, expectations and emotional responses can sometimes affect how partners interpret and respond to each other in the present.
The purpose is not to diagnose either partner or decide who is psychologically at fault.
Instead, counselling can provide new information about the relationship.
And when you understand more about what is happening, you have more possibilities for deciding what to do differently.
This is the key to the psychodynamic part of couples counselling.
What’s the first Couple Counselling Session like?
The first session is not an examination that you have to pass. You do not need to prepare a perfect explanation of everything that has gone wrong in your relationship.
Counselling sessions are just conversations (no bringing your homework for marking, nor wafting scarves, nor painting your feelings, etc.).
So, the first session is a a conversation; an opportunity to begin understanding the relationship and the reasons you have sought counselling.
You’re also evaluating the counsellor: is the counsellor suitable for your needs, and does working with him feel right?
At the beginning, you are likely to talk about:
- What has brought you to counselling;
- The difficulties you are currently experiencing;
- How the relationship works;
- What happens when difficulties arise;
- Things you have already tried;
- What, if anything, have those attempts changed;
- What you would like counselling to help you understand or achieve.
The counsellor will also observe the relationship itself. That means paying attention not simply to what each person says, but to the interactions between you in realtime.
- How does one partner respond when the other speaks?
- What happens when there is disagreement?
- Who pursues a discussion and who withdraws?
- How does an argument begin?
- What happens immediately afterwards?
- Are there subjects that repeatedly produce the same reaction?
These observations can become important information about the relationship.
The first session also gives you an opportunity to decide whether counselling feels appropriate and whether you want to continue. We’ll make sure you undestand the terms of the work (what you’re paying, when sessions are scheduled, how to bring counselling to a close, etc. matters that you will have received in a PDF beforehand).
At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the first session includes a review of what has been discussed and consideration of whether continuing together seems like a useful way forward.
What Happens during a Couple Counselling Session?
There is no single script that every couple counselling session follows.
That is important because your relationship is not the same as somebody else’s.
A session might begin by looking at something that happened during the previous week. You may want to discuss an argument, something that has improved, something that has become worse, or a problem that you have been unable to resolve. The choice is up to the couple (and it’s not a test – you’re free to begin anywhere you feel is important).
The counsellor may then help you slow the conversation down.
Instead of simply discussing what happened, you might begin examining how it happened.
For example:
- What did you say?
- How did your partner interpret it?
- What did they do next?
- How did you respond to that?
- What were you expecting your partner to do?
- What actually happened?
- (asked of both partners simultaneously) What do you imaging your partner wanted to happen?
This can reveal patterns that are difficult to see when you are inside an argument.
The counsellor may ask questions, make observations, reframe something that has been said, identify a recurring interaction or invite you to consider an alternative explanation.
The process is collaborative rather than prescriptive.
You are not simply describing your relationship problems while the counsellor announces the solution.
Instead, the counselling relationship develops into a place where you can examine what is happening and consider different possibilities.
What does Couple Counselling Feel Like?
This is perhaps harder to explain than what actually happens during a session.
Couple counselling can feel uncomfortable at times.
You may be talking about things that you normally avoid discussing with your partner. You may hear your partner describe an experience of the relationship that is very different from your own. You may discover that something you regarded as insignificant has been important to them.
Difficult Conversations
That does not necessarily mean that counselling is going badly.
In fact, difficult conversations are often part of the reason for coming to counselling in the first place.
There should, however, be a sense that the conversation is being contained and facilitated rather than simply becoming another argument. The counsellor’s role is not to take sides, but to facilitate you both in finding ways to communicate better.
A relationship counsellor working systemically is concerned with the relationship and the patterns within it, rather than deciding which partner is “the problem”. We describe this as maintaining a neutral position while helping partners understand their relationship dynamics.
As counselling progresses, sessions can also become less about explaining what is wrong and more about understanding what you can do with that new understanding.
How can Counselling Sessions help Tackle Relationship Problems?
One of the most useful things you can do with counselling is use the session to investigate the problem rather than simply complain about it.
Suppose you have the same argument every week.
It might be tempting to use the counselling session to establish who was right during the latest argument.
A more useful question might be:
Why do we keep having this particular argument?
The counsellor can help you identify the sequence of events and the relationship pattern surrounding it.
Once you can recognise the pattern, you may be able to interrupt it.
This is one of the reasons counselling is not necessarily about giving couples a list of relationship rules.
Instead, you can learn more about your own relationship and develop ways of responding that are appropriate to you.
Counselling can be used to test new approaches
The work does not necessarily finish when the video session ends.
You may agree to try something differently during the following week.
Perhaps you decide to approach a particular conversation differently.
Perhaps you notice a particular trigger.
Perhaps you try to respond to your partner without automatically falling into the familiar pattern.
Then you can bring the experience back into the next session.
- What happened?
- Did it help?
- Did it make things worse?
- Did you discover something unexpected?
- What should you change?
This creates a process of trying, observing, understanding and adjusting.
Dean describes this as a developing a bespoke process rather than simply applying prescriptive therapy; couples can consider alternatives to what is not working, test them between sessions and then discuss what happened when they return.
Does Couple Counselling tell you how to Fix your Relationship?
Absolutely nope.
A counsellor does not simply tell you:
“This is what you need to do.”
Relationships are too individual for a universal set of instructions to work for every couple.
Instead, effective couple counselling can help you develop a better understanding of your particular relationship.
That may lead to changes in communication, behaviour, boundaries, expectations or intimacy.
Discovering ways to change not considered before
It may also lead to a more difficult realisation: that the relationship needs to change in ways that one or both partners had previously been avoiding.
Counselling therefore does not have to mean saving the relationship at any cost.
Sometimes the useful outcome is discovering that the relationship can develop in a healthier direction.
Sometimes it is the couple deciding that their relationship should end.
Counselling can also help couples who are considering separation to understand what has happened and make decisions about the future.
LGBT Couple Counselling specifically offers support around breakups and separation as well as relationship difficulties.
Are Relationship Improvements Guaranteed?
No.
No ethical counsellor can guarantee that couple counselling will save or improve a relationship.
Counselling provides a process, professional expertise and a different way of examining the relationship. It cannot make two people want the same outcome.
There are several reasons why couple counselling may not produce the improvement you hoped for.
- You and your partner may want fundamentally different things.
- One partner may be unwilling to participate meaningfully.
- The relationship may have reached a point where separation is the appropriate outcome.
- You are disinterested in repairing the relationship (instead, maintaining a position of blaming your partner).
- You may discover that the changes required are greater than either partner is prepared to make.
- Or the counselling approach may simply not be a good fit for you.
This is why it is important to ask a potential counsellor about their specific training and experience in couple counselling, rather than assuming that experience in individual counselling automatically means experience in working therapeutically with relationships.
The aim should not be to promise an outcome.
The aim is to create the best conditions for you to understand your relationship and make informed decisions about what happens next.
How Long does Couple Counselling Take?
There is no fixed number of sessions that every couple needs.
Dean has worked with couples for fewer than 6 sessions, and for longer than 5 years.
Some couples come with a specific problem and want short-term counselling focused on that particular issue.
Other couples have relationship difficulties that have developed over many years and need longer-term work.
The important question is not simply:
“How many sessions will we need?”
It is:
“Are the sessions helping us understand and manage our relationship differently?”
Counselling can be short-term, focused around a particular goal, or continue for longer as the relationship’s needs develop. The work can eventually come to an end when the partners are sufficiently confident in managing their relationship themselves.
Why Choose Specialist LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling?
A relationship counsellor needs to understand relationships, but LGBTQ+ couples can also benefit from working with someone who understands the particular context in which LGBTQ+ relationships exist.
There should be no assumption that your relationship follows heterosexual relationship conventions.
You may be:
- a gay male couple
- a lesbian couple
- a bisexual relationship
- a mixed-orientation couple
- transgender partners
- an open or non-monogamous couple
- a throuple or other consensually non-monogamous relationship.
Distinct LGBTQ+ Partnerships
The purpose of an LGBTQ+-affirming approach is not to treat every LGBTQ+ relationship as having the same problems.
It is the opposite.
Your relationship is allowed to be understood on its own terms.
The therapeutic approach is specifically focused on LGBTQ+ relationships and is described as non-judgemental and non-pathologising. The service works with couples across the UK and internationally through secure real-time video counselling.
What should you Expect from Couple Counselling?
Ultimately, couple counselling is a process of understanding your relationship differently.
You bring the problems.
You bring your experiences, observations and ideas.
The counsellor brings specialist knowledge of relationship dynamics and a structured therapeutic process.
We work together
Together, you investigate what is happening.
You may discover patterns that neither of you had previously recognised. You may understand why apparently small issues repeatedly become major arguments. You may find new ways to communicate, negotiate difficulties or respond to each other.
And you may discover that some things cannot be changed.
That information is valuable too.
The purpose of couple counselling is not to provide a guarantee about your relationship’s future. It is to help you become better informed about the relationship you actually have, so that you and your partner can make better decisions about what you want to do with it.
Couple Counselling is NOT about finding the Guilty Partner
If you are considering relationship counselling because you keep having the same argument, you may already have a strong opinion about who is responsible.
The more useful starting point can be to ask:
“What happens between us that keeps producing this result?”
That shift, from blaming an individual to understanding the relationship, can open up possibilities that are difficult to see when you are both trying to prove your own position.
And that is fundamentally how couple counselling works.
About this Bespoke Counselling Service
LGBT Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.
Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.
A first session does not commit you to continuing. It gives you an opportunity to find out whether counselling is right for you. You will not be made to attend more sessions than is right for you.
Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples
0 Comments