Preparing for a First Session
Preparing for your first couple counselling session is mostly about getting into a collaborative, reflective mindset, rather than doing heavy “homework”.
What you’re not being asked to do is to build a case of all your partner’s faults and everything that (you believe) they are responsible for.
The first session is a mutual assessment: you’re assessing the couple counsellor’s suitability for your relationship and how he works with you. The counsellor is assessing the material you’re bringing and how you’re able to make use of the interventions he’s offering.
If the mutual assessment goes well (even a little bit), further sessions are arranged.
If the mutual assessment does not go well for you as a couple, or the counsellor believes that what he’s offering is not well used by the couple, a referral or recommendation can be made (if the couple finds this acceptable).
Taking a few purposeful steps together ahead of time can help you both feel grounded and ready to make the most of your time with your new couple counsellor.
Core Steps to Prepare
Focus on your own contributions
Instead of building a case against your partner, think about your reactions, triggers, and habits within the dynamic. Therapy works best when both people look inward.
Identify what success looks like
Ask yourself what you hope to achieve. Is it better communication, making a decision about the future, or rebuilding trust? You don’t need identical goals, but knowing your own priorities helps.
Agree on mutual ground rules
Decide together that the session is a safe space. Agree to listen without interrupting and to refrain from weaponising anything said during the therapy session should you have arguments afterwards.
Handle practical details early
Log in to the video conferencing session a few minutes early to sort out technical setup.
Prepare to discuss the session afterwards
Leave a little time after the session to discuss the pros and cons together. The pros will tell you if the counsellor & approach are good enough for your needs; the cons will tell you what you might need to bring to the counsellor should you return for subsequent sessions.
What to Expect in Session One
| Aspect | What Happens |
|---|---|
| Primary Goal | Assessment and establishing safety rather than solving major issues immediately. |
| Counsellor’s Role | Observing your communication style, asking clarifying questions, and mapping out history. |
| Key Questions | “What brings you here today?”1, “Who first noticed that (these) problems were developing?”2, “How did you first meet?”3, and “What have you already tried?”4 |
1 An open question that allows you both to set the session’s agenda.
2 Use of systemic circular questioning (read more about circularity here) that invites the couple to “compare notes” with their perceptions and recollections.
3 History. May lead to a discussion on “what has changed”? or “what do you think contributed to the changes?”.
4 Asking you to contribute to the session – not that what you have tried is no good, but perhaps what you tried might be tweaked or understood better to become more effective for your partnership.
Ready to make an appointment?
A first session is about seeing if we have a good fit between the couple and counsellor.
Attending a first session in counselling does not (or aught not!) commit you to further sessions if you feel the fit is not a good one.
Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…
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