Planning your First Open Relationship Agreement: A Guide for LGBTQ+ Couples

Opening a relationship can be an exciting prospect for LGBTQ+ couples. Whether you are two men, two women, a mixed-gender couple or in a relationship that does not fit conventional labels, agreeing to explore non-monogamy can offer opportunities for sexual exploration, personal growth and new experiences together.

However, opening a relationship also raises questions that may not have arisen when you were monogamous. What counts as cheating when sex with other people is permitted? How much should you tell each other about your encounters? Are romantic feelings for someone else acceptable? And what happens if one partner wants to change the rules?

Creating an open relationship agreement before you begin can help you address these questions. It gives both partners an opportunity to express their needs, identify potential difficulties and agree on boundaries that feel fair.

In this guide, Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) guides you on how to create your first open relationship contract, the subjects worth discussing and how to make an agreement that supports your relationship rather than restricting it.

What is an open relationship agreement?

An open relationship agreement is a set of mutually agreed boundaries, expectations and understandings that define how you and your partner will approach relationships or sexual encounters with other people.

Some couples call this an open relationship contract. Although you can put your agreement in writing, it is generally a personal relationship agreement rather than a legally binding contract.

There is no standard set of rules that every couple should follow. Some couples permit sex with other people but not romantic relationships. Others welcome emotional connections as well as sexual ones. Some prefer to meet other people together, while others want the freedom to explore independently.

The important consideration is that both partners understand what they have agreed to and feel able to express their needs without pressure.

An agreement should not be a list of restrictions imposed by one partner on the other. It should reflect a shared understanding of what you are both comfortable with and what you need to feel secure in your relationship.

Start by discussing why you want an open relationship

Before negotiating specific rules, talk about what opening your relationship means to each of you.

You might be interested in sexual variety, meeting new people, exploring aspects of your sexuality or enjoying experiences that your existing relationship does not provide. Your partner may have similar motivations, or their reasons may be different.

Neither partner needs to have precisely the same motivations. However, it is important to understand them.

Consider discussing these questions:

• What does an open relationship offer that we would like to experience?
• Are we both genuinely interested in opening our relationship?
• Are either of us agreeing because we are afraid of losing the other?
• Do we expect opening our relationship to resolve an existing problem?
• What would make this experience feel positive for each of us?
• What are we worried might happen?

Pay particular attention to whether both partners feel free to say no. If one person feels that agreeing to non-monogamy is the only way to keep the relationship, that needs to be addressed before you proceed.

Opening a relationship is unlikely to resolve underlying difficulties with trust, communication or commitment simply by introducing new sexual experiences. Those difficulties deserve attention in their own right.

Decide what your agreement will permit

The phrase ‘open relationship’ can mean different things to different people. One partner might imagine occasional sexual encounters, while the other envisages ongoing connections with multiple partners.

Make your expectations explicit.

Discuss whether your agreement will permit:

• Sex with other people: Are one-off encounters permitted? Are regular sexual partners acceptable?
• Dating: Can either partner go on dates, or is the agreement limited to sexual encounters?
• Romantic relationships: Are emotional or romantic connections with other people acceptable?
• Meeting people together: Would you like to explore with other people as a couple, individually, or both?
• Overnight stays: Are nights away with another partner acceptable?
• Travel: Can either of you meet other partners while away from home?
• Online intimacy: Are dating apps, sexting, video sex and exchanging intimate photographs included in your agreement?

You do not have to make every decision immediately. It may be more manageable to agree on a limited set of arrangements for your first few months and review them as you gain experience.

For example, you might initially agree that sexual encounters with other people are permitted, but that ongoing romantic relationships will be discussed before either partner pursues one.

The purpose is not to predict every possible situation. It is to establish enough clarity that neither partner has to guess what is acceptable.

Agree on what counts as cheating

Opening a relationship does not necessarily eliminate the possibility of infidelity. It changes the boundaries within which sexual and romantic behaviour is acceptable.

For some couples, cheating means having sex with someone else without permission. For others, it might involve concealing a continuing relationship, breaking a safer-sex agreement or developing a romantic connection that the couple has explicitly agreed not to pursue.

Discuss the difference between an activity that is permitted and one that breaches your agreement.

For example:

• Is a sexual encounter acceptable if it happens spontaneously?
• Must you tell each other before arranging to meet someone?
• Is concealing an encounter a breach of trust, even if the encounter itself was permitted?
• Can a casual sexual partner become a regular partner without further discussion?
• What happens if one of you develops feelings for someone else?

Try to distinguish between the activity itself and the honesty surrounding it. You might both agree that sex with other people is acceptable, while considering deliberate deception about those encounters unacceptable.

It is also worth discussing what you would do if an agreement were broken. Rather than assuming that any breach must end the relationship, consider how you would address the circumstances, take responsibility and decide what rebuilding trust would require.

Set boundaries around communication and disclosure

One of the most important parts of an open relationship agreement is deciding what you want to know about each other’s experiences.

Some couples prefer to tell each other about every encounter. Others want advance notice of plans but little detail afterwards. Some prefer to discuss experiences only when something significant happens.

There is no universally correct approach, provided that both partners agree and any information necessary for informed sexual consent and health decisions is shared.

Consider the following questions:

• Do we need to tell each other before meeting another person?
• Is a message when plans change sufficient?
• Do we want to know who the other person is?
• Do we want to hear details about sexual encounters, or would we rather not know them?
• Should we tell each other if an encounter becomes a regular arrangement?
• What information would we consider important to disclose promptly?

Be careful not to confuse transparency with an obligation to provide intimate details that neither partner actually wants to hear.

You can agree to be honest without requiring a running account of every interaction. Equally, an agreement to limit details should not become an excuse to conceal information that affects your partner’s consent, health or ability to make informed decisions.

Establish safer-sex agreements

Sexual health is an important practical consideration when opening a relationship. Your agreement should specify the precautions you both expect to take and how you will communicate about changes in risk.

Depending on your circumstances, discuss:

• Condom use and other barrier methods.
• Whether barriers are required for particular sexual activities.
• How you will approach STI testing and how frequently you will test.
• Whether either partner uses HIV prevention, such as PrEP, where appropriate.
• What you will do if a condom breaks or another agreed precaution is not followed.
• How and when you will tell each other about a possible STI exposure or diagnosis.
• Whether agreements about protection differ between new and established partners.

Avoid relying on assumptions such as believing that a partner is safe because they appear healthy or because they say they have recently been tested. Testing has limitations, including window periods, and different sexual activities carry different risks.

Your agreement should focus on practical precautions, honest communication and informed consent rather than attempting to guarantee that risk can be eliminated entirely.

It should also recognise that sexual-health decisions may affect people outside your primary relationship. Other partners deserve accurate information relevant to their own consent and health.

Discuss time, attention and emotional priorities

An open relationship involves more than deciding who can have sex with whom. It can also affect how you spend your time, maintain intimacy and prioritise your existing relationship.

For example, you might want to agree that you continue to have regular time together without other partners, or that neither of you routinely cancels established plans to accommodate a new encounter.

Questions worth considering include:

• How much time do we want to reserve for each other?
• Are there particular dates, holidays or occasions we want to keep for ourselves?
• How will we manage time when one of us has an ongoing connection with another partner?
• What happens if one partner feels neglected?
• How will we communicate if our needs for intimacy or attention change?

Be cautious about treating emotional attachment as something that can always be controlled by a rule. People can develop feelings unexpectedly, even when everyone initially intends a relationship to remain casual.

Instead of attempting to prohibit every possible feeling, agree on how you will respond if feelings develop and what those feelings might mean for your existing relationship.

Decide how much privacy you will offer other partners

Your agreement is not only about the two of you. Other people you become involved with also have their own boundaries, expectations and rights to privacy.

Discuss what you will share about your encounters and what you will keep private.

For example, you might agree that you can tell each other that an encounter happened without sharing explicit sexual details. You might decide that photographs, messages or identifying information about another person will not be shared without their permission.

You should also consider whether you will tell other partners that you are in an open relationship, what information they need to understand your circumstances and whether they know about any relevant agreements.

An open relationship works best when everyone involved can make informed decisions about their participation. Other partners should not be treated merely as a means of satisfying needs within your existing relationship.

Decide whether you need a veto or permission system

Some couples agree that either partner must give permission before the other can meet someone. Others require advance notification but not approval. Some allow each partner to make independent decisions within agreed boundaries.

Each approach has potential benefits and difficulties.

A permission system can help couples who want to make decisions together, but it can also create resentment if one partner effectively controls the other’s choices.

A veto system may provide reassurance, but an unrestricted right to veto can be difficult to reconcile with the autonomy of both partners and the expectations of other people involved.

Before adopting either approach, ask yourselves:

• Is this about keeping each other informed or obtaining control over each other’s behaviour?
• What circumstances would justify asking to pause or reconsider a planned encounter?
• Can either partner raise concerns without automatically preventing the encounter?
• How will we deal with repeated disagreements about the same person?

You might decide that neither partner needs permission for encounters that fall within the agreement, but that either can request a conversation if something changes or a concern arises.

If you do introduce a veto, define what it means, how it can be used and how you will review it. Avoid making promises about another person’s behaviour or feelings that neither of you can realistically guarantee.

Agree on what happens when feelings of jealousy arise

Jealousy is not inevitable in an open relationship, but it is a possible response to uncertainty, perceived rejection, comparison or a change in the attention you receive from your partner.

Rather than treating jealousy as evidence that opening your relationship was a mistake, agree on how you will address it if it arises.

You could agree to:

• Tell each other when something feels uncomfortable rather than allowing resentment to build.
• Listen to concerns without immediately becoming defensive.
• Identify whether a concern relates to a broken agreement, a fear or an unmet need.
• Discuss whether reassurance, more time together or a change in arrangements would help.
• Revisit the agreement if either partner’s experience differs substantially from what they expected.

It is important to distinguish between acknowledging a feeling and accepting every demand that follows from it. One partner’s discomfort deserves attention, but it does not automatically mean that the other partner has done something wrong.

Equally, describing a concern as jealousy should not be used to dismiss a legitimate complaint about dishonesty, neglect or a broken agreement.

Decide how you will pause or change the agreement

Your first agreement does not need to be permanent. In fact, it is sensible to expect that you may learn things about yourselves and each other that you could not have anticipated.

Agree on how you will review your arrangements before you begin.

For example, you could schedule a conversation after the first month and another after three months. These dates are simply a starting point; choose a timetable that suits you.

During a review, ask:

• What has worked well?
• Has anything been more difficult than we expected?
• Have either of us felt pressured, neglected or uncomfortable?
• Are the current rules clear and practical?
• Do we want to change anything?
• Do we both want to continue?

You can also agree that either partner may request a conversation or a temporary pause if something significant happens.

A pause should not be used automatically as a punishment or a means of controlling the other person. Discuss what it would involve, how existing commitments would be handled and when you would review the situation.

If one partner wants to close the relationship again, you should take that preference seriously. However, closing a relationship may have significant consequences for both partners, especially if other relationships have developed. It is better to discuss that possibility in advance than to assume it will be straightforward.

A first open relationship agreement: a practical template

The following template can help you turn your discussions into a written agreement. Adapt it to your circumstances rather than treating every section as a compulsory rule.

What if you cannot agree on the rules?

Disagreement does not necessarily mean that an open relationship is impossible. It may mean that you have different expectations, different levels of confidence or different ideas about what commitment means.

For example, one partner may be comfortable with casual sex but not ongoing romantic relationships, while the other wants the freedom to develop both. Neither preference is automatically wrong, but the difference needs to be addressed honestly.

Try to identify the concern behind each proposed rule. Is it about sexual health, emotional security, privacy, time, fear of abandonment or something else?

Sometimes a narrower initial agreement, followed by a planned review, can help. In other cases, you may discover that your preferred relationship arrangements are incompatible.

Avoid treating agreement as something that one partner must be persuaded to provide. Consent to an open relationship needs to be freely given, and both partners should be able to express their limits.

If discussions repeatedly become confrontational or one partner feels unable to speak openly, an LGBTQ+-affirming relationship counsellor can help you explore the differences and decide what arrangement, if any, is right for you.

Creating an agreement that supports your relationship

Your first open relationship agreement is not a test of how modern, secure or accepting you are. It is a practical way to discuss expectations before you encounter situations that might otherwise lead to confusion or hurt.

The most useful agreement is one that both partners understand, have freely chosen and can revisit when circumstances change. It should provide clarity without attempting to control every interaction, recognise emotional realities without treating feelings as failures, and support honesty without disregarding anyone’s privacy.

You do not have to anticipate every eventuality before you begin. You do need a shared understanding of the boundaries that matter most, a commitment to communicate when circumstances change and a willingness to listen when either partner raises a concern.

For LGBTQ+ couples considering non-monogamy for the first time, these conversations can help establish a foundation of trust and mutual respect as you decide what an open relationship will mean for you.

Considering opening your relationship? LGBTQ+-affirming couple counselling can provide a confidential space to discuss expectations, work through differences and develop an agreement that reflects both partners’ needs.

Using Counselling to Guide an Open Relationship.

Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)

I’ve facilitated couples in writing their contract, helped them consider the important aspects of the openness of their partnerships, and supported them as the idea developed.

My philosophy draws on systemic and psychodynamic thinking, which means I don’t tell you how to do things; I enable you to think about things you’ve not thought about before.

Find out more about Couple Counselling…

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