This article is intended for qualified/experienced couple counsellors who have either never worked with LGBTQ+ relationships before or who are seeking additional awareness of the distinct needs of their diverse couples, without this being a “how to…” guide.

Of course, we expect qualified couple counsellors to be, or become, confident in working with couple relationships. But multiple training courses available to British counsellors include comparatively little specific training in, or experience of, working with LGBTQ+ couple relationships.

Being a qualified couple counsellor (in the unfortunate position of having little comprehension of LGBTQ+ partnerships) does not necessarily mean that you need an entirely different therapy framework or theoretical model to work with LGBTQ+ partners. The fundamental tasks of couple counselling remain the same: to understand what is happening within the relationship, help the partners recognise patterns that have become problematic, and create the conditions in which they can make their own informed choices about what happens next.

But, in this counsellor’s opinion, what does need to improve is counsellors’ awareness of the assumptions they may unknowingly bring into the room.

When working with gay/lesbian/queer partners, their lifestyle and relationship choices (unfamiliar to heteronormative therapists) may disrupt our reflexivity processes, leading us towards becoming inflexible and opinionated. We can improve our service by at least bearing in mind that the couple in front of us likely formed their relationship independent of their (and our) parents’ beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours.

An LGBTQ+ couple should not have to educate their couples therapist about basic aspects of LGBTQ+ lives while simultaneously trying to deal with their relationship difficulties.

As counsellors none of us can be expected to know every possible configuration of gender, sexuality, identity or relationship structure. But remaining unaware of such permutations is unethical at best (Continued Professional Development…!) and perhaps prejudiced at worst.

So, having worked with LGBTQ+ couples for almost two decades, let me pass on to you some of my knowledge and experience that might help to give you, the interested couple counsellor, a head start on working therapeutically with LGBTQ+ couples.

Educating Ourselves

It is important that our unawareness of LGBTQ+ relationships does not disrupt the couple facing us.

No one is asking you to know everything about LGBTQ+ lifestyles, choices and decisions, but you are being asked not to treat LGBTQ+ relationships as mysterious or fundamentally different.

Applying genuine curiosity, cultural humility, appropriate professional knowledge and a willingness to recognise when your own assumptions have entered the counselling room are authentic qualities that all couple counsellors can apply.

When asking yourself, “As a couple counsellor, how do I counsel LGBTQ+ couples?” the following resources can be a helpful start:

• Pink Therapy.
  The UK’s largest independent therapy organisation specialising in Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversities.
  https://pinktherapy.org/
• The Gottman Institute (LGBTQ+ Couple Therapy Resources & Training).
  Known globally for evidence-based couple therapy, Gottman integrated research specifically focusing on same-sex couples through their Same-Sex Couples Study.
  https://www.gottman.com/
• Gendered Intelligence.
  A trans-led charity that offers specialised training, clinical supervision networks, and educational resources specifically for mental health professionals and relationship therapists.
  https://genderedintelligence.co.uk/
• COSRT (College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists).
  As a professional body for psychosexual and relationship therapists, COSRT frequently hosts CPD courses and self-access modules focused on “Queering Therapy Practice” and GSRD.
  https://www.cosrt.org.uk/
• Modern Sex Therapy Institutes (MSTI).
  MSTI provides specialised certifications and continuing education courses in LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy and Clinical Sexology.
  https://modernsextherapyinstitutes.com/
• LGBT Couple Counselling (Blog)
  At risk of blowing my own horn, I regularly blog about LGBTQ+ couples and their needs from counselling.
  https://LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk/blog

What does LGBTQ+ stand for?

Let’s begin with a simple clarification of what LGBTQ+ stands for:

• L: Lesbian
• G: Gay
• B: Bisexual
• T: Transgender
• Q: Queer/Questioning
• +: All other welcome orientations and permutations

Although each individual may identify strongly with one label more than another, they also have the right to alter that label at any part of their lives. A colleague who had described himself as gay for years, he once shared with me: “I’m a gay man in a non-monogamous, intimate relationship with a FTM person – why wouldn’t I describe this as a ‘queer’ relationship?”

What about GSRD?

GSRD stands for Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity(Pink Therapy et al, 2015) – an alternative description to LGBTQ+.

The couple’s relationship is your client

This is more for counsellors trained in individual counselling.

In general, couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting together(Richardson, 2026). This is a core error that those inexperienced in practising couple or relationship counselling make.

With many theoretical models and approaches to couple counselling, it’s the couple’s relationship itself that is the counsellor’s client; the relationship becomes the focus of the work to be done.

This means that theoretical models, frameworks and intervention techniques that focus on the individual provide little assistance alone to the individual counsellor working with a couple’s relationship. How, for example, does one ask the relationship the open question:“how do you feel about this?” ?

Individual Theoretical Frameworks != Couple Counselling

As an example, by applying an integrated systemic/psychodynamic theoretical model to couple counselling, the systemic perspective asks what happens between the partners: who responds to whom, what happens next, and how the resulting pattern reinforces itself. The psychodynamic perspective can add consideration of less conscious emotional processes, previous experiences and anxieties that may be brought into the relationship. Circular questioning allows us to prepare interventions that may help the relationship express itself.

For the individual counsellor, it can be tempting to interpret a relationship difficulty as an individual problem:

One partner is anxious and the other is avoidant.

Whereas, a systemic perspective might instead ask:

“What happens between you both when one partner becomes anxious?”

Describing the relationship is the primary client, and using curiosity to generate new information about the couple’s “system”, invites the couple to discover what they may have been turning a blind eye to for years.

New information can create new possibilities, which can then allow the couple to make different choices. This basic principle applies regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, but the context surrounding the relationship may be different.

Do not assume that the couple is heterosexual (by default)

Heteronormativity – within the counsellor’s mind – can enter the counselling relationship in a remarkable number of seemingly ordinary ways. As counsellors working with diverse couple partnerships, our reflexivity must be highly active to watch out for our assumptions of what a “normal” couple relationship is supposed to be.

For example:

• assuming there is a “male role” and a “female role”;
• assuming one partner is naturally more dominant and the other more submissive;
• assuming one partner will take responsibility for domestic tasks because of their gender;
• assuming sex follows heterosexual conventions;
• assuming marriage, cohabitation or children are necessarily the couple’s goals;
• assuming monogamy without asking;
• assuming that non-monogamy is unethical;
• assuming both partners have the same understanding of fidelity;
• assuming both partners are equally open about their sexuality;
• assuming that someone’s gender identity tells you something about their role within the relationship;
• assuming that a bisexual partner’s relationship with a same-sex partner is fundamentally different from their previous or future relationships with people of another gender.

The couple counsellor can miss that they’re making such assumptions because they often originate in the cultural model of relationships that most of us have encountered throughout our lives.

The issue is not that heterosexual relationships provide no useful information about relationships. They obviously do. The issue is treating heterosexuality, binary gender roles or monogamy as the default template against which an LGBTQ+ relationship is measured.

There is no requirement for an LGBTQ+ relationship to reproduce a heterosexual relationship structure in order to be healthy. A couple may be married or unmarried, monogamous or consensually/ethically non-monogamous, child-free or parenting, and living together or separately. Their relationship may also change its structure over time.

As the counsellor, your task is not to decide which arrangement is “normal”; it is to understand what the partners have actually agreed to, whether those agreements are understood by everyone involved, and what happens when those agreements become difficult to maintain.

Learn to recognise when you do not know

One of the most important skills for a counsellor working outside their usual experience is being able to notice their own uncertainty.

You might hear:

“We’re open, but we have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell agreement.”

You might hear:

“I’m non-binary, but I don’t use that identity at work.”

Or:

“We’re married, but we don’t live together.”

Or:

“He’s my primary partner.”

Or:

“She transitioned during our relationship.”

Or:

“We’re polyamorous, but this particular relationship is monogamous.”

None of these statements should automatically be regarded by you as a clinical problem (subsequently informing your hypotheses and interventions).

They are information.

The inexperienced couple counsellor may immediately attempt to translate them into familiar categories. The more useful response is to become interested in what those terms mean for this particular couple.

You do not need to know precisely what a couple’s relationship structure means before you can work therapeutically with it.

You need to understand what it means to them. This distinction is fundamental.

Curiosity is useful; pretending to understand is not

There is a significant difference between inappropriate questioning and therapeutic curiosity. Inappropriate questioning can make clients feel that they have become an educational resource for the counsellor.

Curiosity, by contrast, is directed towards understanding the relationship.

For example, rather than:

“So how does polyamory work?”

you might ask:

“When you describe your relationship as polyamorous, what agreements have the two of you made that are particularly important to your relationship?”

Rather than:

“Which one of you is the man in the relationship?”(Bacon, 2017)

There is simply no need to ask such questions because they highlight your ignorance rather than inviting the couple towards helpful curiosity.

Instead:

“How have the two of you divided responsibilities between yourselves?”

Rather than assuming that a transgender partner’s transition explains the relationship difficulties:

“What changed within the relationship during that period, and what stayed the same?”

Rather than assuming that a bisexual person’s attraction to other genders is relevant to a relationship conflict:

“What does attraction and fidelity mean within the agreement the two of you have made?”

Good questions seek information without imposing the counsellor’s interpretation.

You can say, “I don’t know”

A counsellor does not lose professional authority by acknowledging a gap in their knowledge.

Sometimes the most appropriate response is:

“I don’t have much experience with that particular relationship arrangement. Would you be willing to help me understand how it works for the two of you?”

That can be considerably safer than making an assumption.

There is, however, an important qualification: clients should not routinely have to provide their counsellor with basic LGBTQ+ education.

If you work regularly with LGBTQ+ clients, you have a professional responsibility to develop your knowledge through training, reading, supervision and continuing professional development.

There is a difference between asking a couple to explain their relationship and asking them to explain LGBTQ+ relationships. The first is appropriate. The second is usually your responsibility.

Do not turn every problem into an LGBTQ+ problem

The opposite error is just as important.

Once a counsellor becomes aware of minority stress, discrimination and LGBTQ+-specific experiences, there can be a temptation to interpret every difficulty through that lens.

That can be as reductive as ignoring LGBTQ+ context altogether.

A couple may have a communication problem because one partner withdraws whenever conflict begins. They may have an unresolved disagreement about money. They may struggle with different levels of sexual desire. They may have incompatible expectations about commitment. They may be affected by previous relationships. They may also experience homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, family rejection or concealment.

Sometimes these things are connected. Sometimes they are not.

Our task may be to help the couple find out.

Understand minority stress without pathologising LGBTQ+ identity

LGBTQ+ people can experience stress arising from discrimination, stigma, concealment, rejection and expectations of prejudice. These experiences can enter a relationship even when the relationship itself is supportive.

For example, a couple may have disagreements about:

• whether to hold hands in public;
• whether to disclose their relationship to particular family members;
• attending family events;
• workplace disclosure;
• introducing a partner to friends;
• safety when travelling;
• social acceptance;
• contact with a rejecting parent;
• whether children should be raised openly within an LGBTQ+ family;
• how one partner’s transition affects their public presentation as a couple.

These are not necessarily “communication problems” in isolation. There may be an external context that the couple is negotiating.

The counsellor therefore needs to be able to hold two ideas simultaneously:

The relationship may have a problem.

The couple may also be responding to pressures that exist outside the relationship.

Those are not mutually exclusive.

Ask about the couple’s social world

A systemic approach naturally encourages the counsellor to look beyond the couple’s immediate interaction.

For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important.

When appropriate, ask about the systems surrounding the relationship:

• family;
• friends;
• LGBTQ+ community;
• workplace;
• religion or faith;
• children and previous relationships;
• social media;
• cultural community;
• healthcare;
• legal or immigration circumstances where relevant.

But again, do not assume that every LGBTQ+ client has the same experience of these systems.

A gay man may have an accepting family. A lesbian couple may experience conflict with one partner’s family but not the other’s. A bisexual person may experience invalidation from both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ communities. A trans person may have strong social support. A queer person may not identify particularly strongly with LGBTQ+ community life at all.

The counsellor needs to discover the client’s actual experience rather than applying a standard narrative.

Be particularly considerate with bisexual and pansexual clients

One form of heteronormativity that can be missed is monosexism: the assumption that people are either heterosexual or homosexual.

For a bisexual or pansexual client, this can appear in questions such as:

“When did you realise you were gay?”

or assumptions such as:

“You are in a same-sex relationship, so you’re a gay couple.”

The partner’s current relationship does not necessarily define their sexual orientation.

Similarly, bisexuality should not automatically be interpreted as uncertainty, indecision, a transitional identity or evidence of greater likelihood of infidelity.

If sexuality is relevant to the couple’s difficulty, explore the couple’s actual experience rather than relying on stereotypes.

Gender identity – not relationship role

A person’s gender identity does not tell you how they behave within their relationship.

A transgender woman does not necessarily occupy a particular role. A non-binary partner does not necessarily have a particular sexual or relational role. A masculine-presenting lesbian does not necessarily want to be treated as the “male partner”. A feminine-presenting gay man does not necessarily occupy a particular relational position.

If you find yourself trying to work out who is “the husband” and who is “the wife”, stop and ask yourself why you need that information. Then, ask the couple about the actual division of responsibility, intimacy, decision-making and power within their relationship.

So let’s discuss more about gender and what you may be assuming.

Gender Pronouns

A person may use pronouns different from those assigned to them at birth^† or to how they present visually to you.

• She/Her/Hers: Commonly used by trans women, cisgender women, and some non-binary people.
• He/Him/His: Commonly used by trans men, cisgender men, and some non-binary people.
• They/Them/Theirs: Singular gender-neutral pronouns, widely used by non-binary, genderqueer, agender, and gender-fluid individuals.

Many individuals use multiple sets of pronouns. This indicates comfort with any listed set, sometimes depending on context or preference:

• She/They
• They/She
• He/They
• They/He
• Any Pronouns
• All Pronouns

† Note: we used to use the phrase “preferred pronouns”, but a trans person uses pronouns according to the gender they recognise, rather than the gender they “prefer”. See also Trans Language Glossary…

Gender does not equal sexual preferences

Sexuality and relationship counselling frequently overlap around intimacy, but counsellors can become surprisingly uncomfortable when the couple’s sexual practices do not correspond to heterosexual expectations.

Avoid assuming:

• who initiates sex;
• who penetrates;
• who receives;
• that both partners want the same sexual practices;
• that sexual roles are fixed;
• that sexual frequency is necessarily the problem;
• that sexual exclusivity is assumed;
• that a change in sexual behaviour means a change in sexual orientation.

A couple’s sexual relationship should be explored in the same professional, non-judgemental way as any other aspect of their relationship.

When appropriate, ask what particular behaviour means to the partners.

A disagreement about sex may actually concern rejection, reassurance, body image, shame, attraction, vulnerability, trust or fear of abandonment.

Don’t assume that non-monogamy is a problem

Some LGBTQ+ couples are consensually non-monogamous. The existence of more than two partners does not, by itself, establish that the relationship is dysfunctional.

The counsellor should instead establish:

• who is in the relationship;
• what agreements exist;
• what each person understands those agreements to mean;
• how agreements are negotiated;
• whether consent is ongoing;
• where boundaries lie;
• what happens when agreements change;
• whether everyone involved has sufficient information to make informed choices.

The same principle applies to throuples and other relationship groups.

The question is not:

“Why aren’t you monogamous?”

It is:

“How does your relationship work, and where is it currently becoming difficult?”

This is particularly compatible with systemic thinking because the counsellor is trying to understand the relationship system rather than forcing it into a predetermined structure.

Pay attention to power and consent

An affirmative approach does not mean accepting every relationship arrangement uncritically. Counsellors still need to assess safety, coercive or controlling behaviour, abuse and consent. This becomes particularly important when relationship structures are unfamiliar to the practitioner.

A counsellor should not confuse difference with dysfunction. But neither should they confuse an unfamiliar relationship structure with evidence that everything occurring within it is consensual or safe.

For example, there is an important difference between:

“We have agreed that either of us can have sexual partners outside the relationship.”

and:

“My partner says I am not allowed to object when they have sex with somebody else.”

The first describes an agreement. The second may require exploration of coercion, boundaries and power.

The same principle applies in monogamous relationships.

LGBTQ+ affirmative practice is not the absence of professional judgement. It is the absence of pathologising identity or relationship structures simply because they differ from the counsellor’s expectations.

Consider intersectionality

“LGBTQ+” is not a single experience.

Sexual orientation and gender identity intersect with:

• race and ethnicity;
• disability;
• age;
• socioeconomic circumstances;
• religion;
• culture;
• immigration status;
• family background;
• geography.

These intersections can affect both the relationship and the couple’s experience of seeking counselling(Santosha, 2026).

For example, a couple may encounter different reactions to their relationship because of race as well as sexuality. A disabled LGBTQ+ couple may face accessibility problems within LGBTQ+ spaces. A person from a religious background may experience conflict between their relationship and their family or community.

The counsellor should therefore avoid replacing one stereotype with another:

“LGBTQ+ people have {these} experiences.”

A more useful question is:

“How do you image being LGBTQ+/gay/lesbian/etc/ affected your experience, if at all?”

Create an affirming practice before the couple engages

Affirmative practice is not simply something the counsellor says during a session. It begins before the first appointment.

Consider your:

• website;
• intake forms;
• consent documentation;
• booking system;
• pronoun fields;
• terminology;
• examples used in questionnaires;
• assumptions within assessment forms;
• waiting-room materials;
• referral information.

If your intake form asks:

“Name of husband/wife”

You have already communicated something about the relationship model you expect.

If it asks:

“Partner’s name and relationship to you”

You have created considerably more space.

The same applies to language. Do not assume “husband”, “wife”, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” unless the client uses those terms.

Use the terminology the clients use for themselves and their relationship. If in doubt, ask.

Be prepared to repair mistakes

You will sometimes get something wrong.

You may use the wrong pronoun. You may misunderstand a relationship agreement. You may use a term the client does not use.

The important issue is what happens next.

A simple:

“I’m sorry. I used the wrong pronoun.”

is usually preferable to a long explanation.

Likewise:

“I think I made an assumption there. Let me go back and check that I have understood you correctly.”

Repairing a therapeutic rupture can itself demonstrate something important: the counsellor can make a mistake without becoming defensive, and the relationship can recover from it.

Notice what your own discomfort is telling you

Your internal reaction is information, not necessarily truth. A countertransference response may be giving you information that one or both partners are quietly holding to themselves (yes, we can have countertransference responses to a relationship).

If you feel confused by a relationship structure, ask yourself:

What exactly am I confused about?

If you feel that something is “unusual”, ask:

Unusual according to whom?

If you feel an urge to give advice, ask:

Am I responding to something genuinely unsafe, or am I uncomfortable because this relationship differs from relationships I know?

If you find yourself mentally assigning gender roles, ask:

What evidence have I actually been given for that assumption?

This kind of self-reflection is part of professional competence.

The aim is not to become completely free of assumptions. That is unrealistic.

The aim is to become sufficiently aware of them that they do not quietly become part of the therapy.

Do not confuse specialist knowledge with having all the answers

A counsellor who focuses on LGBTQ+ relationships does not need to know everything about every LGBTQ+ identity or relationship configuration.

In fact, claiming to have such expertise could be unrealistic without having attended additional training/CPD.

Specialist competence means having enough knowledge to recognise the relevant issues, avoid predictable assumptions, understand the impact of minority stress and discrimination, work affirmatively, recognise your own limits, and know when further training, supervision or referral is appropriate.

It also means possessing the appropriate relationship counselling competence.

Being LGBTQ+ friendly does not automatically make someone a competent couple counsellor.

Individual counselling and relationship counselling require different theoretical and practical skills(Gurman, 2014). The two areas of competence therefore need to meet:

LGBTQ+ affirmative practice + competent relationship counselling.

One without the other is incomplete.

Useful question for your first session

Rather than arriving with a checklist of LGBTQ+ issues that you need to investigate, begin with the relationship.

You might ask:

“Before we get into the particular problem that brought you here, can you tell me a little about how your relationship works and what is important for me to understand about the way the two of you relate to each other?”

That question leaves room for the couple to tell you what matters.

You may learn about their gender identities. You may learn about their sexual orientations. You may learn about a non-monogamous relationship structure. You may learn about family rejection.

You may learn none of these things, and that is fine too.

The point is that the couple gets to tell you what is relevant rather than the counsellor deciding in advance what an LGBTQ+ relationship must involve.

Your position may be: “Teach me about your relationship”

There is an important distinction between being curious about LGBTQ+ people and being curious about the particular people sitting in front of you.

The first can become intrusive.

The second is fundamental to good couple counselling.

Your professional knowledge should provide the framework.

The couple provides the particular information, and your role is to bring the two together.

This fits naturally with a systemic approach. The counsellor listens for patterns, differences, responses and connections while remaining open to being corrected by the couple’s actual experience.

The goal is therefore not to become an expert on every possible LGBTQ+ relationship.

It is to become a counsellor who can sit comfortably with a relationship that is unfamiliar, recognise when your own assumptions are getting in the way, ask respectful questions when you need more information, and then return your attention to the relationship itself.

And sometimes that curiosity is where the therapeutic work begins.

A final checklist for couple counsellors

Training/Qualification

• Am I actually trained/qualified to work therapeutically with couples?
• Do I understand the theoretical model I am using?
• Have I undertaken specific LGBTQ+ affirmative CPD?

Assumptions

• Am I assuming heterosexual gender roles?
• Am I assuming monogamy?
• Am I assuming marriage, children or cohabitation?
• Am I assuming that sexual orientation determines relationship roles?
• Am I assuming that bisexuality or trans identity explains the presenting problem?

Curiosity

• Have I asked the couple what their relationship means to them?
• Have I distinguished what I know from what I am assuming?
• Can I comfortably say “I don’t know” when appropriate?
• Am I asking about their relationship rather than making them explain LGBTQ+ people to me?

Context

• Have I considered minority stress and discrimination?
• Have I explored relevant family, social and cultural pressures?
• Have I considered intersectionality?
• Have I assessed safety, consent, coercion and power without pathologising difference?

Therapeutic practice

• Am I treating the relationship as the focus of the work?
• Am I avoiding taking sides?
• Am I helping the couple understand their interactional patterns?
• Am I allowing the couple to determine what they want their relationship to become?

The most important shift is perhaps a simple one. You do not need to walk into an LGBTQ+ couple counselling session knowing everything about LGBTQ+ relationships. You do need to walk into it knowing that your assumptions are not the same thing as the couple’s reality.

Good LGBTQ+ couple counselling does not require the counsellor to have an answer for every unfamiliar situation. It requires the counsellor to have sufficient knowledge, humility and relationship expertise to become curious about what they do not yet understand.

Glossary of Terms in Use by Trans People

Language preferences vary by person, but current trans-inclusive usage favours terms describing assigned sex at birth rather than born sex, emphasising self-determined gender identity(GLAAD, 2022).

Bibliography

8 References

1. Accepting Uncle Murphy (Instagram). (2026). History of the "L" coming first in LGBTQ. https://www.instagram.com/reel/DZNYr2Dxr0q/?stkn=ZzlzNDlsM2htNXRm

2. Bacon, D. (2017). How to be the man in a relationship (The Modern Man). https://www.themodernman.com/blog/how-to-be-the-man-in-a-relationship.html

3. Citation: Stoller, N. E. (1998). Lesbian Involvement in the AIDS Epidemic: Changing Roles and Generational Differences. (in: "Lessons from the Damned: Queers, Critiques, and Contradictions", Routledge). https://www.amazon.co.uk/Lessons-Damned-Queers-Junkies-Respond/dp/0415919614

4. GLAAD. (2022). Glossary of Terms: Transgender. https://glaad.org/reference/trans-terms/

5. Gurman, A. S. A. B. (2014). Individual therapy for couple problems: Perspectives and pitfalls. (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(4), 420–435). https://www.google.com/search?q=https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12066

6. Pink Therapy et al. (2015). Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity (GSRD). http://pinktherapy.org/

7. Richardson, D. A. (2026). How does Couple Counselling Actually Work? https://lgbtcouplecounselling.co.uk/weblog/2026/09/02/how-does-couple-counselling-actually-work/

8. Santosha, S. (2026). Men & family counselling. https://menandfamilycounselling.com.au/couple-counselling

The post Couple Counsellors: Working with LGBTQ+ Relationships appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Discovering that your partner has cheated can, overnight, make a relationship feel as though it has changed.

You may be angry. You may be devastated. You may feel betrayed, confused or simply unable to understand what happened. Sometimes there is also a question that feels impossible to answer:

Can we ever trust each other again?

For LGBTQ+ couples, the situation can be particularly complicated. Same-sex and LGBTQ+ relationships do not always have the same models, expectations or sources of support that heterosexual couples can draw upon. Many of us have had to work out what relationships mean for ourselves rather than simply following a familiar script.

Shocks such as “my boyfriend has cheated on me” or “my girlfriend has had an affair” are not the kinds of conversations we want to have with our friends.

Our experiences of dating and sex can also be different. Meeting people through gay or lesbian clubs, LGBTQ+ social spaces, apps, hook-ups and wider communities can create opportunities for sexual or romantic encounters that may not exist in quite the same way for heterosexual couples.

Cheating Discovered

None of this excuses cheating. But it can be important when trying to understand how something happened, what it meant to each partner, and whether the relationship can recover.

Cheating does not automatically mean that your relationship has to end. Nor does staying together mean that you have to simply forget what happened in the past.

Rebuilding trust is possible for many couples. It requires honesty, patience and a willingness from both partners to understand not only the betrayal itself but also the relationship around it.

What counts as cheating in an LGBTQ+ relationship?

There is no single definition of infidelity that applies to every LGBTQ+ couple, and that is because relationships can have very different agreements.

One couple may consider kissing someone else to be cheating(Power, 2019). Another may regard it as acceptable but consider sex outside the relationship to be a betrayal. A couple may have an open relationship in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotional relationships are not.

So, the first important question to ask is NOT:

“Did you have sex with someone else?”

It is:

“What did we agree our relationship meant, and was that agreement broken?”

Infidelity can include:

• Having sex with another person (when this was outside the relationship agreement).
• Kissing or other sexual contact that a partner would reasonably understand to be outside the agreed boundaries.
• Having a secret romantic or emotional relationship with someone else.
• Using dating or hook-up apps secretly.
• Sexting or exchanging sexual photographs without a partner’s knowledge or agreement.
• Developing an intimate online relationship that is deliberately concealed.
• Repeatedly flirting with someone while hiding the extent of the relationship.
• Paying for or using sexual services where this breaches the couple’s agreement.
• Lying about where you have been, who you have seen or what you have been doing.
• Breaking specific agreements about safer sex, sexual health or disclosure.

For couples in consensually non-monogamous or open relationships, recognising situations of “cheating” can be even more nuanced.

An open relationship agreement does not mean that anything goes (see: LGBTQ+ Open Relationship Counselling).

A couple might have agreed that sex with other people is acceptable but that certain people, places or activities are off-limits. They may have agreed to tell each other beforehand, afterwards, or not at all. They may have agreed that particular emotional boundaries should remain within the primary relationship.

Breaking those agreements can be experienced as infidelity even when sex outside the relationship itself was permitted.

The betrayal may therefore be about the broken agreement and the secrecy, rather than simply about the sexual act.

See also: Challenges in LGBTQ+ Relationships…

Why can cheating happen in LGBTQ+ relationships?

There is no single LGBTQ+ explanation for infidelity.

Cheating happens for many different reasons, and it is important not to turn someone’s sexuality or gender identity into an explanation for their behaviour. However, LGBTQ+ couples can face particular circumstances that are worth understanding.

Many LGBTQ+ people grow up without seeing their relationships reflected positively in family life, education, religion, television or wider society. We may reach adulthood having had to discover for ourselves how relationships work.

For some people, sexual experiences may begin through environments where casual sex and hook-ups are normal parts of the social scene. Gay clubs, lesbian and LGBTQ+ venues, dating apps, online communities and social networks can all provide opportunities to meet other people.

Again, opportunity is not the same as inevitability because being presented with an opportunity to cheat does not make someone cheat.

When a couple is trying to understand an affair, it can be useful to look at the circumstances in which the boundary was crossed rather than reducing the explanation to “they wanted someone else”.

Other factors can include:

• dissatisfaction or loneliness within the relationship;
• difficulties communicating about sex;
• different levels of sexual desire;
• uncertainty about whether the relationship is monogamous, open or something in between;
• a desire for validation or reassurance;
• difficulties with intimacy or vulnerability;
• unresolved relationship conflicts;
• fear of ending the relationship;
• seeking excitement or novelty;
• alcohol or drug use;
• difficulties establishing or respecting boundaries;
• personal experiences of rejection, shame or low self-worth;
• a relationship that has gradually become disconnected.

None of these factors removes responsibility from the person who cheated, and understanding is not the same as excusing.

It is simply much more useful to ask:

“Why did this happen?”

than to stop at:

“How could you do this to me?”

The difference between a mistake, a pattern and an affair

Not every experience of infidelity is the same.

For one couple, there may have been a single sexual encounter that was immediately regretted and disclosed. For another, there may have been months of deception involving a second emotional relationship.

The distinction matters; a single incident does not necessarily have the same impact as a prolonged affair involving repeated lies.

Similarly, repeated cheating may indicate a pattern that needs considerably more attention than an isolated breach of an otherwise secure relationship.

Counselling can help a couple explore questions such as:

• What happened?
• How long did it happen for?
• What was concealed?
• What agreements were broken?
• Was this the first time?
• What was happening in the relationship before it happened?
• What does each partner need to understand about it now?

These questions are not about putting the person who cheated on trial; they are about establishing enough understanding for the couple to decide what happens next.

The first stage: dealing with the shock

Relationship Shock

After discovering an affair or other form of infidelity, couples who are not immediately broken apart will often want to solve everything very quickly: make the bad event go away.

That is understandable.

But the person who has been betrayed may initially experience something closer to emotional shock. Their understanding of their relationship may have changed suddenly, and they may repeatedly go over events in their mind trying to make sense of them.

There can be intense anger, anxiety, sadness, jealousy and uncertainty. There may also be practical concerns about sexual health, particularly where agreements about safer sex have been broken.

During this early period, couples may benefit from slowing things down.

The immediate objective does not necessarily need to be deciding whether the relationship will survive. It may simply be:

Can we create enough safety to have a conversation without causing further damage?

Rebuilding trust starts with honesty

Kintsugi Pot – Rebuilding the Broken

Trust cannot normally be rebuilt while significant deception is continuing.

That does not mean that the betrayed partner necessarily needs every intimate detail of every sexual encounter. In fact, an exhaustive account can sometimes create additional distress without helping the relationship.

What matters is developing an honest understanding of what happened and establishing whether there is anything else that the betrayed partner needs to know in order to make informed decisions about the relationship.

The person who cheated may need to accept that their partner’s questions are part of the process. The betrayed partner may need to recognise that repeatedly searching for increasingly painful details does not necessarily produce reassurance.

It matters to take responsibility

One of the most important steps after infidelity is for the person who cheated to take responsibility for their behaviour.

That does not mean accepting responsibility for every problem that existed within the relationship.

There may have been serious difficulties before the infidelity. Perhaps sex had disappeared. Perhaps communication had broken down. Perhaps one partner felt neglected or rejected. Those issues can and should eventually be explored.

But they are not a justification for secretly breaking an agreement.

Both may be true.

Taking responsibility allows the couple to work on the second without pretending that the first did not exist.

The betrayed partner may need more than an apology

“I’m sorry” can be important.

It is rarely sufficient on its own.

Trust is rebuilt through repeated experiences of honesty and reliability.

That might involve:

• being open about contact with the other person;
• answering reasonable questions honestly;
• ending an affair or inappropriate contact where appropriate;
• respecting newly established boundaries;
• being consistent rather than defensive;
• allowing the betrayed partner time to process what happened;
• discussing sexual health and safer-sex arrangements;
• understanding what contributed to the decision to cheat;
• making meaningful changes rather than promising that it will never happen again.

The goal is not to create a relationship in which one partner becomes a permanent investigator.

It is to create circumstances in which neither partner needs to be one.

Couples counselling after cheating

LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a structured environment in which both partners can begin to talk about what has happened.

This is particularly valuable when conversations at home have become repetitive, hostile or impossible.

An LGBTQ+-affirming couples counsellor can help partners explore several areas.

See: How LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling Works…

1. Understanding the betrayal

The couple can establish what happened, what agreements were broken and what each person understands about the events.

2. Understanding the relationship

The counselling process can explore what was happening between the partners before the infidelity.

This does not mean blaming the betrayed partner. It means looking at the relationship as a whole.

3. Understanding individual motivations

The person who cheated may need to understand their own behaviour more deeply.

• Why did they cross the boundary?
• What were they looking for?
• What did they avoid talking about?
• What did they tell themselves at the time?

4. Re-establishing boundaries

Couples sometimes discover after infidelity that their relationship agreements were never as clear as they thought. Couple counselling can provide an opportunity to discuss what monogamy means to them, what an open relationship means, what sexual boundaries exist, and what needs to be disclosed.

5. Rebuilding communication

Many couples become trapped in a cycle where one partner repeatedly asks questions and the other becomes increasingly defensive. Understanding this pattern can be an important part of changing it.

6. Deciding whether to continue

Counselling does not have to be about preserving the relationship at all costs. Sometimes the work leads a couple towards rebuilding their relationship, sometimes it helps them recognise that separation is the better choice for them(Block, 2026).

Either outcome can involve meaningful therapeutic work.

LGBTQ+ partners do not have to follow a heterosexual model

One of the difficulties LGBTQ+ couples can encounter is the assumption that there is one correct way to have a relationship.

There isn’t!

A healthy LGBTQ+ relationship might be monogamous. It might be consensually non-monogamous. It might involve a particular division of emotional, domestic or sexual roles. It may change over time.

What matters is that the relationship is based on genuine agreement rather than assumption.

Infidelity can sometimes expose agreements that were never actually discussed. One partner may have assumed that flirting was harmless. The other may have experienced it as a serious betrayal. One may have believed that an open relationship included emotional connections. The other may have believed that it applied only to sex.

These differences are not necessarily evidence that either partner is unreasonable.

They are evidence that the couple needs to talk about what their relationship actually means.

Shame can make everything tough

Infidelity can produce considerable shame.

The person who cheated may feel ashamed of what they have done. The betrayed partner may wonder whether they were somehow not attractive, interesting or sexually desirable enough.

For LGBTQ+ people, those feelings can sometimes become entangled with existing experiences of rejection or stigma.

A partner may ask:

“Was I not enough?”

But someone else’s decision to cheat does not provide a reliable measurement of their partner’s attractiveness, worth or value.

Equally, the person who cheated needs to be able to take responsibility without becoming so overwhelmed by shame that they cannot engage honestly with what they have done.

Shame tends to close conversations down. Responsibility can open them up.

Can trust ever be completely restored?

Perhaps the more useful question is:

Can a couple develop trust again?

Trust after infidelity may not feel exactly like the trust that existed before (see: rebuilding the broken after damage). The relationship has changed; the betrayed partner now knows that something they believed was secure was capable of being broken.

But that does not mean that the relationship can never become secure again.

For some couples, the process of rebuilding trust leads to a relationship that is more honest because subjects that were previously avoided can finally be discussed. They may become clearer about sex, boundaries, jealousy, emotional intimacy and what they actually want from their relationship.

Trust is not rebuilt through one conversation.

It is rebuilt through many small experiences of “You said you would do this, and then you did.”

Over time, consistency can become more reassuring than promises.

What if you are the person who cheated?

If you have cheated, it may be tempting to focus on whether your partner will forgive you.

There is another question that may be more important:

What do you need to understand about yourself so that you can make different choices in the future?

That may involve looking honestly at the circumstances surrounding the infidelity.

• Were you unhappy?
• Were you afraid to ask for something?
• Were you avoiding an important conversation?
• Did you want the relationship to end but not know how to say so?
• Did you want something sexually or emotionally that you had never discussed?
• Or was the behaviour part of a pattern that you had not previously confronted?
• Taking responsibility means being willing to examine those questions without turning them into excuses.

What if you are the person who was cheated on?

You do not have to decide immediately whether you can forgive your partner.

You also do not have to decide immediately whether the relationship is over.

• You are allowed to need time.
• You can ask questions.
• You can establish boundaries.
• You can seek support.
• And you can decide that rebuilding the relationship is something you want to attempt — or that it is not.

Couples counselling can help you make that decision without requiring you to know the answer before you begin.

When rebuilding the relationship may not be possible

Not every relationship can or should be repaired after infidelity.

Rebuilding trust becomes particularly difficult when there is continuing deception, repeated infidelity, coercion, intimidation or an unwillingness to take responsibility. Sometimes the relationship has reached a point where the healthiest decision is to separate.

Counselling can still be valuable in these circumstances.

A couple can work towards ending a relationship with greater understanding and less hostility, particularly where they share a home, finances, friendship groups or wider LGBTQ+ communities.

A relationship can change without being destroyed

Cheating can be one of the most painful experiences a couple faces.

It can also force questions that may have been avoided for years.

• What do we actually want from each other?
• What does commitment mean to us?
• What are our sexual boundaries?
• What does honesty look like?
• What have we been afraid to say?
• And, perhaps most importantly:

Do we both want to build something different from what we had before?

There is no universal answer to whether an LGBTQ+ relationship can recover after cheating.

• Some couples separate.
• Some remain together but fundamentally change their relationship agreements.
• Others rebuild a committed monogamous relationship.
• Others discover that consensual non-monogamy better reflects what they both want.

The important point is that recovery does not mean pretending that the betrayal never happened.

It means deciding, honestly and together, what happens next.

How LGBTQ+ couples counselling can help

As an LGBTQ+ relationship counsellor, I work with couples whose relationships do not necessarily fit conventional assumptions about what a partnership should look like.

My approach draws on systemic and psychodynamic thinking, which means looking both at the relationship between partners and at the less-conscious emotional patterns that can influence how we behave within relationships.

After infidelity, this can involve understanding the immediate crisis while also exploring the deeper patterns underneath it.

The aim is not to decide who is the “good” partner and who is the “bad” partner.

Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)

It is to create a space where both people can speak honestly, understand what has happened, and consider whether and how their relationship can move forward.

If cheating has left you questioning your relationship, LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a confidential space to explore what happened and what you want to do next.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) (that’s me! 👋) specialising in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships. I’m an accredited, postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor^† with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. My private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

† sounds technical, but it means I work with your relationship’s past events, untangling what happened to you, and helping you plan your future.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

Bibliography

3 References

1. Block, H. (2026). Can a Relationship Survive Cheating (Love in Conflict). https://loveinconflict.com/can-a-relationship-survive-cheating/

2. Power, C. (2019). How Cyber-Cheating can threaten your Relationship. https://clintonpower.com.au/2019/09/cyber-cheating/

3. Zdrale, G. (2026). Counselling does not have to push you towards one answer (Find your Way). https://www.findyourway.world/articles/relationship-marriage-and-the-children-stay-together-or-separate/

The post How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating: Can an LGBTQ+ Relationship Recover? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Understanding Repeating Patterns in LGBTQ+ Relationships

“Why do we keep having the same argument?”

When you and your partner find yourselves returning to the exact same argument time and again, the same sharp exchange over chores, the same familiar silence after a night out, or the exact same shift in tone during a conversation about the future, I can tell you that you are far from alone in this experience.

Introducing Dean Richardson

Hi, I’m LGBTQ+ Couples Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg), and as a couple counsellor working with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer partners for almost three decades, I regularly meet couples who feel completely exhausted by these recurring loops.

Couples can arrive in counselling wondering why two people who love each other deeply can so easily become trapped in the same script, reciting lines they both know by heart, and yet feel powerless to change the patterns.

You’re not Broken

So, firstly, I want to reassure you that having the same argument over and over does not mean your relationship is broken. Nor does it mean you are incompatible.

In fact, repeating arguments are rarely about the superficial trigger, whether that’s a sink full of dishes, a delayed text, or a disagreement about social plans. Instead, these loops are dynamic patterns created between you. They are emotional feedback systems where both partners are usually trying to protect themselves or seek reassurance but doing so in ways that trigger the other person’s defences.

(That’s going to be on the examination at the end, by the way: triggering the other person’s defences! 😉)

In LGBTQ+/same-sex relationships, these behaviour patterns can carry unique layers of meaning. Minority stress, past experiences of rejection or hiding, hyper-vigilance, and internalised shame can quietly sit in the room with us, shaping how we interpret a partner’s tone or distance.

The Mechanics of an Argument Loop

Let’s talk about the mechanics of the argument loop. I’ll introduce you to two ways of thinking, each from a systemic and psychodynamic perspective (this stuff isn’t on the test 😁).

I’ll not talk all theoretical framework-ey, but stick with plain English.

If we’re going to help you break out of an argument loop, I have to help you understand how such loop patterns form in the first place.

A Psychodynamic Perspective

From a psychodynamic perspective, into our adult partnerships we (helplessly) bring in our earlier life experiences, attachment histories, and defensive mechanisms.

For example, if we grew up feeling that our emotional needs were a burden or that love was conditional, a minor sign of distraction from our partner might feel to us like abandonment (without us knowing why).

A Systemic Perspective

From a systemic perspective, relationship behaviour is usually a circular system rather than a linear one. It isn’t a case of “Partner A causes Partner B to react.” Instead, it’s more of a case of: “Partner A’s protective response activates Partner B’s vulnerability, which then prompts Partner B’s protective response, which in turn reinforces Partner A’s original fear (and so on).”

When both partners feel unsafe and act out of self-defence, their relationship system (make a note of that phrase!) gets stuck in a dance where nobody gets what they actually need. Relationship conflict cycles are a predictable “dance” that partners join in without thinking; they react to each other’s behaviour (words, mannerisms, etc,) in the same way every time.

I’m going to help you alter the dance!

Now you’re ready

With these two pieces of knowledge, we’re now ready to introduce you to three brief techniques for breaking out of an argument loop.

Three Approaches to Breaking Out of Repeating Arguments

Breaking an argument loop

This advice is going to sound strange, but breaking a repeating pattern doesn’t require “winning” the argument or getting your partner to admit that they were wrong.

Nope, instead it requires changing your position in the cycle. Do you see the clock images attached to this section? That’s a clue for you!

Here are three practical approaches rooted in systemic and psychodynamic couple counselling practice that you can begin exploring together.

1. Alter ONE Step in the Sequence

Stepping from the Cycle

Sticking within the Cycle

Because relationship systems operate like clockwork, changing even one minor response disrupts the entire mechanism.

If Partner A always pursues and Partner B always withdraws, the loop continues automatically.

But, if either partner recognises that they’re in the loop again and then consciously alters their next step, the old script can no longer play out as written.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: Identify your typical automatic response in the argument. If you usually raise your voice, try lowering your volume or taking a slow breath. If you usually walk away immediately, try staying present for two extra minutes while acknowledging your distress with your partner. If you usually defend yourself with logic, try acknowledging your partner’s emotional distress first before explaining your perspective.
• WHY IT CAN WORK: A pattern requires both participants to play their habitual roles (Step 1 leads to Step 2, which leads to Step 3, etc.). By changing your input into the relationship system, you force the system to adapt, creating a new opening for a genuinely new conversation to take place.

2. Externalise the Pattern (Name the “Third Entity”)

Externalise the behaviour pattern

In systemic therapy, we often view the argument itself as an external force operating between the partners, rather than assigning blame to either individual.

When a dispute arises, it is natural to view your partner as the adversary.

However, when you both step back and look at the cycle together, the adversary becomes the pattern itself.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: Give your recurring argument a neutral, descriptive name, such as “The Pursuit and Retreat” or “The Freeze.”  When you feel the familiar tension rising, practise calling it out together: “Do you see that we’ve made ‘The Freeze’ happen again, right now?”
• WHY IT CAN WORK: Naming the pattern shifts you from fighting each other to standing side-by-side to observe a process that is affecting both of you. It creates psychological distance and reduces defensiveness, allowing you to step out of the argument trap.

3. Identify the “Under-the-Iceberg” Emotional Drivers

Under the Iceberg

Psychodynamic thinking reminds us that the primary emotion we display during a fight (often anger, frustration, or cold detachment) is usually a secondary defence. Beneath the surface lie primary vulnerabilities: fear of inadequacy, fear of rejection, shame, or feeling invisible.

In queer relationships, these primary feelings may often be linked to historic experiences of not feeling safe or fully accepted.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: The next time you feel the urge to voice a familiar complaint or retreat into silence, take a brief pause and ask yourself: “What primary emotion am I actually feeling right now beneath my anger or defensiveness?” Is it sadness? A fear of being cast aside? A feeling of not being good enough? Share that feeling with your partner.
• WHY IT CAN WORK: Expressing a primary vulnerability (“I felt afraid that I don’t matter to you when that happened”) invites connection and comfort from a partner, whereas expressing a secondary defence (“You never listen to me!”) invites a defensive counter-attack back at you.

Moving Forward Together

Unpicking long-standing relationship patterns takes some curiosity, a little patience, and a willingness to look beyond the immediate source of friction.

Reaching a point where you recognise the loop while it’s happening, even if you can’t always stop it immediately, will be a significant step forward for you together.

The above three techniques aren’t magic, but they are “thinking outside of the box”. They won’t resolve your stuck cycles on their own; they need you both to invest a little and go with what they’re trying to achieve.

By shifting your focus from “who is right?” to “what is happening between us?”, you make room for deeper understanding, softer interactions, and a relationship that feels safer and more connected for both of you.

The post Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.