Many people think of relationship counselling as something you turn to when a relationship is struggling to survive. Perhaps arguments have become frequent, trust has broken down, or one partner is considering leaving.

But what if counselling is helpful when engaged much earlier than you’d think?

For LGBTQ+ couples, throuples and polycules, relationship counselling can provide an opportunity to understand one another better, address emerging difficulties and make important decisions together. You don’t need to be on the verge of separating to benefit from talking to a relationship counsellor.

Sometimes, the most useful time to seek counselling is when you first notice that something isn’t quite right.

Perhaps you’re having the same argument repeatedly. Maybe you’re finding it difficult to discuss a significant life decision. Or perhaps your relationship is changing, and you want to understand what those changes mean for everyone involved.

Thinking of your counsellor as your “relationship consultant” can actually help address and avoid feelings of shame or failure when going to see a professional relationship counsellor.

So, recognising these moments can help you decide whether relationship counselling with Counsellor Dean Richardson – even just for a handful of brief sessions – could be beneficial to you both.

1. You’re having the same argument repeatedly.

Does a particular disagreement keep resurfacing?

Perhaps one of you feels that the other isn’t listening. Maybe you disagree about how much time you should spend together, how household responsibilities are shared, or how affection and intimacy are expressed.

You might resolve the immediate disagreement, only to find yourselves having almost exactly the same conversation a few weeks later.

Repeated arguments often indicate that something more fundamental remains unresolved. The disagreement itself may be less important than the feelings, expectations or needs underneath it.

For LGBTQ+ couples, throuples and polycules, these underlying issues can sometimes involve assumptions about relationships that differ from those held by family, friends or wider society.

Counselling can help you understand what keeps the disagreement alive, rather than simply trying to resolve the latest argument.

2. You’re finding it increasingly difficult to communicate.

Perhaps you used to find it easy to talk about anything. Now, certain subjects seem to result in defensiveness, frustration or withdrawal.

One partner might feel that they have to choose their words carefully to avoid upsetting the other. Another might feel that their concerns are routinely dismissed.

In a throuple or polycule, communication difficulties can become more complicated. A conversation between two partners may affect a third person. Information might be shared unevenly, or one person might feel excluded from decisions that affect the wider relationship.

You don’t necessarily need to be arguing to have a communication problem. Sometimes, the difficulty is that important conversations simply aren’t happening.

A counsellor can help partners explore how they communicate, what makes certain conversations difficult, and how everyone can have a voice.

3. You’re wondering whether your relationship agreements still work.

Relationships evolve. Agreements that made sense when you first got together may no longer reflect your circumstances or needs.

For example:

• A monogamous couple might be discussing whether to explore consensual non-monogamy.
• A throuple might be reconsidering how time, affection and commitment are shared.
• A polycule might need to revisit agreements about dating, sexual health, disclosure or overnight stays.
• Partners might discover that their expectations of commitment are different.

These conversations can be difficult, particularly when one person is enthusiastic about a change and another feels uncertain.

The important question isn’t necessarily whether an agreement should change. It’s whether everyone has the opportunity to express their needs, understand the implications and make an informed decision.

Relationship counselling can provide a space to explore these questions without assuming that any particular relationship structure is the right one.

4. You’re approaching a significant life change.

Not every reason to seek counselling involves conflict.

Sometimes, you simply need to think carefully about a decision that could change your relationship.

Examples include:

• Deciding whether to have children and how you might approach parenting.
• Considering retirement and how you will spend more time together.
• Changing career, particularly when this affects finances, location or time available.
• Moving abroad or relocating within the UK.
• Buying a home together or making a significant financial commitment.
• Deciding whether to introduce a new partner into an established relationship.
• Considering changes to your relationship structure.

You might feel that you agree about the decision but have different expectations about what it will mean. For example, one partner might imagine that retirement will involve spending much more time together, while the other is looking forward to pursuing individual interests.

A counsellor can help you explore these expectations before they become sources of resentment or disappointment.

You don’t have to wait until the decision has been made and the consequences become difficult to manage.

5. One of you feels that your relationship has become unequal.

Do you sometimes feel that one partner’s needs take precedence over everyone else’s?

Perhaps one person makes most of the decisions. Maybe one partner is doing more of the emotional work, or another feels that their needs are consistently overlooked.

In a throuple or polycule, perceived inequalities can be particularly difficult to discuss. For example, an established couple might unintentionally give greater priority to their existing relationship when making decisions involving a newer partner. Alternatively, one person might feel that they are expected to accommodate everyone else without having an equal opportunity to express their own wishes.

These situations don’t necessarily mean that anyone is deliberately behaving unfairly.

Counselling can help everyone explore how decisions are made, whether expectations are understood, and what a more satisfactory arrangement might look like.

6. You’re experiencing changes in intimacy or emotional connection.

Perhaps you’re spending less quality time together. Maybe physical intimacy has changed, or you feel less emotionally connected than you once did.

Changes in intimacy can arise for many reasons, including stress, changing priorities, differences in desire, or unresolved relationship difficulties.

For LGBTQ+ couples, throuples and polycules, there may also be questions about how intimacy is understood and negotiated across different partnerships.

It can be difficult to avoid assuming that a change in intimacy means that your relationship is failing. However, changes in desire, affection or connection don’t automatically mean that something is wrong. What matters is how those changes affect the people involved and whether they can be discussed openly.

A counsellor can help partners explore what intimacy means to each of them, what has changed, and whether there are ways of reconnecting that feel appropriate to everyone.

7. Something has happened that has affected trust.

Trust can be affected by many different experiences.

Perhaps a partner has broken an agreement. Maybe information has been withheld, or one person feels that a significant decision was made without their involvement.

In consensually non-monogamous relationships, difficulties might involve an agreement about disclosure, sexual health, boundaries or the introduction of another partner.

The issue isn’t necessarily whether the relationship is monogamous or non-monogamous. It’s whether the people involved feel that their agreements and expectations have been respected.

When trust is affected, it can be difficult to know how to move forward.

Counselling may help you understand what happened, how each person experienced it, and what would be needed to rebuild trust, if that is what everyone wishes to do.

Seeking help early can make it easier to have these conversations before mistrust becomes deeply entrenched.

8. You’re feeling disconnected but can’t quite explain why.

Sometimes, there isn’t one obvious problem.

You might still care deeply about one another. You may rarely argue. Yet something feels different.

Perhaps you’re functioning well as a household but no longer feel emotionally close. Maybe you have become so accustomed to your routines that you rarely discuss what you want from the relationship.

In a polycule, this might involve feeling connected to one partner but increasingly distant from another.

You might find yourself wondering:

• Are we still getting what we need from this relationship?
• Have we stopped making time for one another?
• Are we assuming that everything is fine because we aren’t arguing?
• Have our individual needs changed?

These are worthwhile questions in their own right.

Counselling can offer a reflective space in which to explore your relationship, even when you cannot identify a specific problem that needs fixing.

9. You’re beginning to question whether you want to stay together.

Perhaps one of you has started thinking about separation.

You may feel uncertain about whether the relationship can continue in its current form. Alternatively, you might know that something needs to change but have no idea what that change should look like.

At this stage, relationship counselling doesn’t have to be about saving the relationship at all costs. It can help you understand your feelings, consider the available choices and explore whether there is a way forward that everyone can accept.

Sometimes, partners discover that they want to continue together but need to make significant changes. Sometimes, they discover that separating is the most appropriate decision.

Either way, counselling can help you approach the decision with greater clarity and understanding.

10. You can no longer tolerate being in the same room together.

There is an important distinction between seeking counselling when difficulties first emerge and seeking it when a relationship has reached a very late stage of conflict.

If you and your partner can barely tolerate being in the same room, conversations routinely become hostile, or one person has completely withdrawn, counselling can become considerably more difficult.

This doesn’t mean that counselling is necessarily impossible or that you should give up.

However, by this stage, the emotional work required may be considerably greater. There may be years of accumulated resentment, hurt or mistrust to address before you can begin to explore the underlying relationship difficulties.

If you recognise that your relationship is heading in this direction, it may be worth making contact sooner rather than waiting for the situation to deteriorate further.

Where there is coercive control, intimidation, abuse or fear for someone’s safety, joint relationship counselling may not be appropriate. Individual support and specialist safeguarding advice may be needed instead.

Counselling isn’t just about resolving problems.

It is worth remembering that relationship counselling can serve several different purposes.

You might engage a counsellor because you want to:

• Understand a recurring difficulty.
• Improve the way you communicate.
• Explore differences in expectations.
• Make an important life decision.
• Develop a greater understanding of one another.
• Revisit relationship agreements.
• Strengthen your emotional connection.
• Decide whether to continue your relationship.
• Understand how your relationship has changed over time.

You don’t need to arrive with a clearly defined problem or a particular outcome in mind.

Sometimes, the starting point is simply recognising that there are things you would like to understand better.

When might be the best time to contact your relationship counsellor?

There isn’t a single right answer, but more of trusting your best sense.

If you recognise any of the following, counselling may be worth considering:

• You are having the same disagreement repeatedly.
• You are finding it difficult to discuss something important.
• You are making a significant decision that will affect your relationship.
• You feel that your relationship agreements need reviewing.
• You are experiencing changes in intimacy or emotional connection.
• You are uncertain about the future of your relationship.
• You want to understand one another better, even though things are generally going well.

The key is not to wait until your relationship becomes intolerable before seeking support.

Counselling can be a constructive way of addressing difficulties while you still have the emotional space to explore them together.

Relationship counselling with Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg)

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle withspace=0]

My effective approach to relationship counselling (science bit coming up) integrates systemic and psychodynamic perspectives. This means that we can explore both the patterns of interaction within your relationship and the feelings, experiences and expectations that may influence how you relate to one another. Doing this helps bring new understanding of your relationship, which all partners can use to help improve things.

You don’t need to be in crisis to make contact with me. You might simply want to understand a recurring disagreement, think through a significant life change, or explore whether your relationship is meeting everyone’s needs.

If you recognise something in this article that reflects your own relationship, get in touch; it costs nothing to have a brief email exchange.

You don’t have to wait until things become difficult to talk about them.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Relationship Counselling Services…

The post When Should LGBTQ+ Couples, Throuples and Polycule Partners Seek Relationship Counselling? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

The Specialist You’d Choose

An LGBTQ+ couple choosing a relationship counsellor is one of the most important decisions the couple can make.

Every counsellor brings different qualifications, experience, therapeutic models, and personal styles to their counselling sessions. While many therapists are capable and dedicated professionals, not every practitioner offers the depth of specialist knowledge, relationship-focused training, or dedicated understanding of diverse partnerships required for complex dynamics.

For couples seeking thoughtful, experienced, and specialist guidance, Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) offers several qualities that distinguish his practice from online general counselling services.

What Should You Look for in a Couples Counsellor.

Reviewing a Counsellor’s Suitability

Before choosing a couples counsellor, it is worth looking beyond whether they simply offer relationship counselling or describe themselves as LGBTQ+ friendly (or an “ally”).

Consider whether the counsellor has:

• Specific couples-counselling training and experience working with a couple’s relationship itself, rather than primarily with individuals.
• Genuine experience with LGBTQ+ relationships, rather than LGBTQ+ clients being simply one of many groups they accept.
• A clear therapeutic approach that explains how they work with relationship difficulties and conflicts.
• An understanding of LGBTQ+ relationships and their particular circumstances, so you can discuss your relationship without having to educate your counsellor about its fundamental context.
• Appropriate professional qualifications, supervision and accountability.
• A style that suits you both, particularly whether you want a counsellor who tells you what to do or one who helps you understand your relationship and make your own informed decisions.

Important Considerations

The list above is a useful set of considerations for any counsellor you are thinking of.

They can help you make an informed choice about who is best placed to work with your particular relationship (rather than, say, choosing the cheapest fees, the most good-looking man, or the counsellor who was recommended by another couple with the assumption that their problems are the same as yours).

Dean Richardson – a Specialist in LGBTQ+ Relationship Counselling.

Postgraduate Diploma in Couple Counselling

Most counsellors complete their initial professional training to qualify them to work therapeutically only with individuals.

Such practitioners who attempt couples work will lack the specialised framework, comprehension, and approach required to navigate intricate relationship dynamics; working effectively with a couple, for instance, requires the counsellor to treat the relationship itself as the client.

For example:

Postgraduate Qualified

Dean’s postgraduate diploma trained him specifically in integrated Systemic and Psychodynamic Couple Counselling. This qualifies him to work with couples and their relationship dynamics.

Rather than listening to two separate stories, he works with the interaction between partners, the patterns, behaviours, communication styles, and emotional processes that develop within the relationship itself.

His approach encourages couples to become curious about what their behaviours are communicating, helping them gently disrupt unhelpful loops and understand the true function of their conflict for lasting change.

As a gay couple therapist, Dean brings lived insight, personal continued professional development focusing on queer relationships, and an affirmative, non-pathologising approach. This offers couples a non-judgemental space where sexualities and gender identities are naturally understood rather than treated as problems to solve.

Having decades of specialism in remote video therapy, Dean has honed a distinct practical ability to identify and highlight unrecognised relational patterns between LGBTQ+ partners, helping long-distance or cohabiting couples untangle longstanding battles constructively. His depth of hands-on experience allows him to act as an insightful, objective facilitator who respects the unique nuances of diverse relationship structures.

Dedicated Expertise in LGBTQ+ and Diverse Relationships.

Many counsellors list LGBTQ+ clients among a broad array of groups they work with, but Dean has built his entire private practice around these connections. For just over one and a half decades since his postgraduate diploma, his work has focused specifically on helping gay, lesbian, bisexual, mixed-sexuality, transgender, non-binary, and polyamorous relationships (including throuples and other intimate relationship structures) navigate conflict, disconnection, and change.

Deep Specialisation

This deep specialisation means that gay couples spend zero time explaining their identities, relationship structures, or unique pressures to a counsellor. Therapy begins from a position of profound understanding, creating an environment where diverse partnerships feel genuinely recognised rather than merely accepted. His gender-agnostic approach ensures clients are met with deep competence and a non-pathologising space.

Decades of Proven Experience.

Counsellor Dean live on video

Experience matters. Now in his 28th year of counselling practice with extensive experience devoted to relationship work, Dean brings a seasoned, steady hand that easily recognises subtle interactional patterns partners may have overlooked for years.

Assuring IT Experience

Furthermore, his background gives him a distinct edge in digital practice as an ex-IBM engineer contributing to his reliable experience of delivering secure online therapy via Zoom, Teams, and WhatsApp. This flexibility allows couples to attend sessions consistently from wherever they are, even if partners are temporarily logging in from separate locations.

A Collaborative Style and Plain English Communication.

Some people imagine counselling involves an expert telling couples how they should live their lives. Dean deliberately avoids this authoritative position. Instead of presenting himself as the person with all the answers, he approaches therapy with collaboration and curiosity, helping couples discover solutions that genuinely will belong to them.

Simple Communication

Furthermore, he believes relationship counselling does not need to be filled with clinical psychological jargon. Dean communicates clearly, naturally, and directly, explaining complex relationship processes in plain English that couples can easily understand and apply in everyday life.

Independent Practice and Professional Accountability.

Independent Online Counsellor

Many counselling services operate through large online platforms or commercial agencies where clients have little choice over their therapist. Dean works independently, meaning the therapeutic relationship develops directly with the person selected from the very beginning, ensuring total continuity.

An Accredited Counsellor

Dean was professionally accredited by his first professional membership body back in 2009. Now, as an Accredited Registrant (MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) with the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (Registration: NCS15-02454), Dean maintains monthly professional supervision, undertakes continuing professional development, and practises strictly within a recognised ethical framework.

Making your Informed Choice.

The Right Choice for Your Relationship

No counsellor can be the right therapist for every couple. The most successful journey begins when partners choose someone whose background aligns with their needs, and in the first few sessions they find working with him to be straightforward.

If you are seeking a specialist in LGBTQ+ couples counselling who:

• Holds specialised postgraduate qualifications in systemic and psychodynamic relationship counselling;
• Focuses deeply on LGBTQ+ and diverse relationship structures rather than treating them as just one of many groups;
• Brings over 27 years of practical counselling experience;
• Works collaboratively and transparently using plain English;
• Prioritises understanding the underlying dynamics of relationship conflict rather than assigning blame to one partner or the other; and
• Offers an independent, professional practice with flexible online video access,

…then Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) represents a distinctive choice.

Ultimately, relationship therapy is an investment in your future together, and partnering with someone whose therapeutic practice embraces relationship processes could provide a strong foundation for meaningful and lasting change in your partnership.

The post Why LGBTQ+ Couples Opt for Counsellor Dean Richardson appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

In other words: a couples counsellor who works with gay males in partnership via an integrated psychodynamic and systemic model (such as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) that helps the couple to focus upon, learn about, and put in place resolutions to their relationship problems.

We’ll discuss things more in plain English in just a second… but let’s get to the three criteria…

Has Extensive Knowledge of Gay Couple Relationships

The best gay couple counsellor is well-versed in gay couples’ behaviour, not just from a social point of view, but also from a psychological one too.

You might think of a gay couple counsellor as having a superset of skills and knowledge when compared to a standard couple counsellor.

For example, gay couples have had to form their own relationship methods; following behaviour they experienced from their (heteronormative) parents can leave the gay couple insufficiently prepared for long-term relationships.

Demonstrates Empathy and Active Listening

The best couple counsellor has the ability to hear, understand and empathise with each partner’s feelings and experiences… without taking sides.

The couple counsellor remains neutral whilst actively listen to both individuals. In doing this he creates a safe and non-judgmental space for open communication. By helping each partner express his emotions and concerns, the other partner(s) get to hear things and learn about matters not previously understood.

The couple counsellor and helps the partners navigate their relational dynamics effectively, identifying what behaviour they wish to alter, and assisting the couple in meeting those goals.

Integrates a Systemic & Psychodynamic Approach

The best couple counsellor is knowledgeable and skilled in both psychodynamic and systemic models of therapy, plus helpful aspects of other therapeutic approaches.

Psychodynamic therapy: focuses on exploring past experiences and unresolved conflicts that is being brought into the present relationship (regularly unawares).

Systemic therapy: looks at the broader context of the couple’s interactions with one-another, and the behavioural “systems” they are a part of (e.g., family, culture – read more here).

An integrated approach combines models to help the couple gain a comprehensive understanding of the their relationship dynamics; empowering them to be able to provide their own tailored interventions and changes.

Gay couple counsellor – Dean Richardson – via Zoom Smartphone

Remains Neutral, is Collaborative and Solution-Oriented

(…when useful!). The best couple couple counsellor can work collaboratively with a couple in identifying their goals, and helps them identify solutions to their own challenges.

The couple’s therapist facilitates constructive dialogue, helping the partners explore their needs, expectations, and patterns of interaction. By learning what’s happening in the relationship, the couple becomes able to identify the changes they wish to make. A good couple counsellor would follow the couple in developing effective communication skills, conflict resolution strategies, and healthier relational patterns as their relationship develops from the therapy. When the couple are ready to try focusing on finding practical solutions, a good counsellor will support the couple in creating positive changes within their relationship (sometimes called “homework”) and will assist the couple in determining what (sometimes) goes wrong when homework trials do not go as well as hoped.

These criteria – integrating psychodynamic and systemic couple counselling theoretical frameworks – are described in simplified terms and there will be additional factors to consider when evaluating who would be the best gay couple counsellor for your relationship difficulties.

The post Is this the Best Gay Couple Counsellor? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Image © Lindsay Braham (https://www.instagram.com/lindsaybraman/)

Interview your Counsellor.

My first piece of advice to you: interview your counsellor (which would also include you interviewing me!)

You don’t have to pick the first counsellor (or coach etc) whom you meet or have been allocated. You don’t have to feel as if you have to get things 100% right during a first session. Take a pressure off yourself, if you can.

A first session is a mutual interview anyway. The counsellor is determining if their approach seems suitable for you (something you can make use of). So, too, you ought to be determining if what the counsellor is offering is suitable for you.

If meeting with a private counsellor, maybe budget to meet with maybe two or three counsellors for at least one (maybe more if it seems right) session to get a sense of if your choice of counsellor is working for you.

If meeting someone provided to you (NHS, insurance, or company Employee Assistance Program (EAP)) assure yourself that you’re fully in your rights to determine for yourself if this counsellor is right for you.

If a Counsellor isn’t right for You.

Firstly, let me tell you why enabling this choice in you is important.

It’s been documented how the relationship between therapist and client(s) is as important as the counsellor’s therapeutic qualifications & practice (how they counsel). It’s the relationship that matters.

Hence… if the relationship turns sour (or wasn’t ever good in the first place), then the therapy cannot be expected to go very well.

Speak Up!

• If you’re not feeling good about your counsellor, even having worked with them for a while, try to put those feelings into words.
• Tell the counsellor what you and your partner are experiencing.
• A good counsellor will listen and try hard to understand you / your needs. They might ask you some clarifying questions about what you’re saying – and this is to help them understand you better.
• If you cannot put your feelings into words, try this simple feedback technique, saying:
  • What is working for you.
  • What is not working for you.
  • What you would like to see done differently.
• Remember that you have the right to feel content while working in counselling. Even when you’re working on some difficult, traumatic or terrible feelings, you still have the right to feel that the work you’re doing with your counsellor feels contentful.

Go Elsewhere

If things aren’t working out, your feedback hasn’t been embraced, or you just can’t tell the counsellor how uncomfortable their approach makes you feel, then stop going to the counsellor.

• If going private, send an email saying you don’t wish to attend any longer.
• You could just stop going, but even counsellors who struggle to engage with clients can benefit from feedback.
• If attending a GP/NHS/EAP counsellor, contact the supplying organisation and say, plainly, that the counsellor is not suitable for you. You don’t have to go into lots of personal details to justify yourself (and if you are asked for your reasons, give simple, plain responses whilst protecting your own privacy).

‘Qualified’ doesn’t automatically mean ‘Couple Counsellor’ 

A majority of counsellor qualifying training in the UK sets up people to practice counselling with individuals (there are greater qualifications that cover multiple-discipline counselling, but these aren’t the norm).

However, couple counselling is not about working with two individuals (eg multiplying what the individual counsellor is qualified to do … by two!).

For example, the systemic/psychodynamic theoretical model employed by Dean Richardson recognises not two people as his clients but one relationship that the people are bringing. The relationship is the client. Individual counsellors would struggle to recognise this.

Dean maintain a neutral position, focusing on your relationship and what’s getting in the way of the two of you being able to pull together to make the one couple relationship successful.

As someone who has attended postgraduate training courses in couple counselling, Dean has witnessed fully qualified individual counsellors (who choose to accept couple enquiries) bring varied questions forward along the theme of: “why doesn’t my {individual counselling} approach work with this couple problem?”.

The answer, basically, is that the (individual) counsellor was not using the best tools for the (couple) project. 

The post How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.