Counselling Archives - LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist

Challenges in Same-Sex Relationships: Beyond Common Couple Struggles

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Tue, 08 Sep 2026 09:10:30 +0000

Every relationship has its difficulties. Couples may argue about money, sex, household responsibilities, family, communication or how much time they spend together.

Same-sex relationships can experience all of these ordinary relationship challenges too. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer does not automatically create relationship problems.

However, there can be additional pressures surrounding the relationship that heterosexual couples may not encounter in quite the same way. Challenges same-sex partners face can include pressures that may influence how the partners communicate, experience intimacy, make decisions and understand what their relationship is supposed to look like.

Understanding those influences and pressures can be an important part of resolving difficulties in their most significant relationships.

External Pressures Can Become Relationship Pressures

No couple relationship exists in isolation. Family attitudes, social expectations, previous experiences of discrimination and concerns about being visibly LGBTQ+ can all become part of the relationship’s emotional landscape.

For some LGBTQ+ couples, this might involve:

An unsupportive or rejecting family member;
Different levels of acceptance from friends or relatives;
Anxiety about being visibly affectionate in public;
Previous experiences of homophobia or discrimination;
Different expectations about marriage, children or family life;
Pressure to conform to heteronormative expectations;
Concerns about whether a partner will be accepted by family or social networks.

Sometimes these pressures are obvious. At other times, they become woven into everyday disagreements.

For example, one partner may interpret another’s reluctance to attend a family event as a lack of commitment. The other partner may actually be trying to protect themselves from rejection or conflict.

The disagreement is real, but it may not be the whole story.

This is one reason specialist LGBTQ+ couple counselling (oh hai! 👋) can be useful. Rather than assuming that an argument is simply about the immediate subject, counselling can explore what is happening around the relationship as well as between the partners.

When external messages become internal

Social stigma can also become internalised.

Internalised homophobia or other negative messages about LGBTQ+ relationships can sometimes affect how someone experiences themselves, their partner or their sexuality. This does not mean that a person consciously dislikes being LGBTQ+. Rather, years of receiving negative messages can leave emotional responses that are difficult to recognise.

These experiences can sometimes influence confidence, vulnerability, sexual intimacy or the ability to believe that a relationship can be secure and lasting.

Exploring these influences is not about blaming either partner. It is about understanding what may be contributing to the patterns between them.

Creating a Relationship Without a Roadmap

Reading the Relationship Roadmap

Many couples expect there to be a ready-made template for how their relationship should work. These expectations may come from media (TV, magazines, social, etc.) or assumptions about how their friends’ relationships are working just fine.

It’s a shock to discover our relationships aren’t working as expected – as if an unwritten roadmap wasn’t working as intended.

Traditional relationship expectations can provide an apparently straightforward sequence: dating, exclusivity, engagement, marriage, children and so on.

But as LGBTQ+ couples, we may find ourselves asking different questions.

“What does commitment mean to us?”

“Are we monogamous, open or somewhere in between?”

“What agreements do we have about sex with other people?”

“How involved should our families be?”

“Do we want children?”

“What does marriage or civil partnership mean to us?”

None of these questions has a universally correct answer – no matter how very much we would like one.

So, difficulties can arise when partners have different answers to such questions but have never explicitly discussed them between themselves.

This is where creating a relationship roadmap can be particularly valuable.

A roadmap does not prescribe what a relationship should look like. Instead, it gives partners an opportunity to decide together what works for them.

For couples exploring an open relationship, for example, that might involve discussing boundaries, safer sex, communication, privacy, dating and what happens when agreements need to change.

For a monogamous couple, it might mean defining what each partner understands by emotional and sexual fidelity.

The important point is that the relationship’s rules and boundaries need to belong to the people within it!

Counselling can provide a space to explore those differences without imposing an external model of what a “normal” relationship should look like. This fits the non-normative approach of specialist therapy for queer couples, where the aim is to understand the particular relationship rather than measure it against a predetermined template.

When Partners are at Different Stages of a Sexuality Journey

Different by Congruent Relationship Stages

Another source of difficulty can occur when partners are moving through their sexuality-identity at different speeds.

One partner may be completely comfortable being open about their sexuality. The other may still be deciding who they want to tell, how they want to identify themselves or how comfortable they feel being visible.

These coming-out dynamics can create painful misunderstandings.

The more-out partner might experience their partner’s caution as embarrassment or rejection:

“Why don’t you want people to know we’re together?”

Meanwhile, the less-out partner may experience pressure, fear or a loss of control:

“I’m not ready for everyone to know.”

Neither response necessarily means that the relationship is failing, but they may simply represent two different experiences of safety, identity and readiness.

This can become particularly complicated when families, workplaces, friendship groups or social environments are involved.

Couples may need to negotiate questions such as:

Who knows about the relationship?
Who can be told?
How are partners introduced to family?
What happens in social situations where one partner is not out?
How can one partner feel acknowledged without forcing the other to disclose?
What does privacy mean, and when does privacy begin to feel like secrecy?

There is no universal timetable for these decisions.

The challenge is finding a way for both partners’ needs to be heard without either person’s experience being dismissed.

Communication and Intimacy Are Often Connected

Communication problems in same-sex relationships can look much like communication problems in any couple. Partners may become defensive, withdraw, criticise one another or repeatedly have the same unresolved argument.

But the underlying emotional meaning can be more specific.

A disagreement about sex might involve much more than sexual frequency. It might involve rejection, insecurity, changing attraction, body image, shame, anxiety or uncertainty about what a partner wants.

Similarly, what appears to be a gay relationship communication issue may actually involve a repeated emotional pattern.

One partner asks for reassurance 👉
The other feels pressured and withdraws 👉
The withdrawal increases the first partner’s anxiety 👉
They seek more reassurance 👉
The second partner withdraws further.

Neither person necessarily intends to create this cycle, yet both can become caught in it.

An integrated systemic/psychodynamic approach to couple counselling (as integrated by Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) looks at these behaviour patterns rather than simply asking “which partner is the problem?”. This perspective can also consider whether previous experiences, anxieties or less conscious emotional responses are influencing what happens between partners.

Intimacy can change too

Lesbian couple intimacy problems, gay male relationship difficulties and intimacy concerns in other LGBTQ+ partnerships can involve emotional or sexual changes that deserve more than generic relationship advice.

Sexual intimacy can change because of:

Stress or conflict
Changes in attraction
Anxiety or self-consciousness
Previous experiences
Relationship resentment
Different sexual needs
Difficulties discussing desire
Changes in the wider relationship

The important question is not simply “How often are you having sex?”

It may be:

What has happened to the meaning of intimacy between you?

Counselling can create a space where partners can discuss subjects that have become difficult to approach privately, without either partner being told what their relationship “should” look like.

Moving Beyond the Idea of a “Normal” Relationship

Couple Counselling Outcomes

There is no single model for a successful same-sex relationship, especially when we’ve attempted to integrate the model we (unconsciously) observed in our parents’ behaviour and found (much to our surprise) that it just doesn’t work in our own partnership.

A healthy partnership might be monogamous, open, married, unmarried, child-free, parenting, long-distance or structured in ways that are entirely individual to the people involved.

What matters is whether the partners can develop a relationship that they understand, negotiate and genuinely consent to.

Sometimes couples become stuck because they are trying to solve the wrong problem. They may repeatedly argue about behaviour without understanding the pattern underneath it.

Specialist therapy for queer couples can offer a different opportunity: to slow things down, understand what is happening between you and consider what you both want to change.

The purpose is not for a counsellor to decide who is right. It is not to impose a conventional relationship model. And it is not to turn every LGBTQ+ relationship difficulty into an issue about sexuality.

Instead, counselling can help a couple become more curious about their own relationship, recognise recurring patterns and develop their own ways of responding differently. This reflects the systemic and psychodynamic approach used by LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk.

When a Specialist LGBT Couple Counsellor Could Help

Couple Counselling

You do not need to wait until your relationship is in crisis before seeking support.

Counselling may be worth considering when you are experiencing:

Repeated arguments that never seem to resolve
Communication that has broken down
Differences about monogamy or opening the relationship
Difficulties around coming out or visibility
Family-related conflict
Emotional or sexual intimacy problems
Feelings of distance, resentment or insecurity
The same relationship pattern repeating despite attempts to change it

You also do not necessarily need to arrive with a clearly defined problem.

Sometimes the starting point is simply:

“We know something isn’t working, but we don’t understand why.”

That can be enough to begin exploring what is happening.

A confidential space for your relationship

Same-sex relationship challenges are not necessarily caused by being in a same-sex relationship. But the social, cultural and personal experiences surrounding LGBTQ+ lives can sometimes become part of the relationship’s difficulties.

Recognising those influences can make it easier to understand what is happening between partners.

If you and your partner are struggling with communication, intimacy, identity differences, family pressures or another recurring relationship difficulty, LGBT couple counselling can provide a confidential space to explore it together.

LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk provides specialist, relationship-affirming counselling for LGBTQ+ couples, using an integrated systemic and psychodynamic approach. The work is tailored to the particular relationship rather than assuming that one model fits everyone. You do not need to have everything worked out before making contact; the first step can simply be talking about what is happening and deciding whether counselling feels appropriate.

Interested in a Counselling Appointment?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

Making an appointment for an initial session of couples counselling doesn’t bind you to a long contract.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Challenges in Same-Sex Relationships: Beyond Common Couple Struggles appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Red Flags to Look Out For When Choosing a Couple Counsellor

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Fri, 04 Sep 2026 06:00:47 +0000

Finding the right couple counsellor for an LGBTQ+/Queer couple relationship means balancing specialised therapy skills with appropriate neutrality.

But what does this mean in plain English to a couple who are looking for a professional to help them repair their broken partnership?

Recognising red flags (potential warning signs) early ensures you both protect your emotional well-being and, instead, can invest time in a genuinely productive therapeutic experience.

Warning Signs of a Red-Flag Counsellor

Counsellors trained to work with couples have advanced knowledge of how relationships work (and don’t work), what problems a partnership dynamic has, how to work with a couple’s relationship, and how to keep two people safe in the room (three, if we include the counsellor).

But not all couple counsellors understand LGBTQ+ partnerships.

The simple, immediate red flags of your couple counsellor include:

Qualifications/Training

Lack of specialised couples training:
In the UK, initial training in counselling typically focuses on individuals. Individual counselling is very different from relationship counselling (whether for couples, throuples or groups). A practitioner without explicit (post)graduate training or accreditation in couples work (e.g., systemic, psychodynamic, EFT, or Gottman methods) will be unprepared to work with a couple’s relationship, can accidentally allow conflict to escalate, and lack fundamental relationship theoretical frameworks that help them navigate through your relationship problems.
Continued professional development (CPD):
Qualified counsellors are required to continue their professional development by a mix of attending additional training or workshops or reading and watching additional educational material (a minimum of the equivalent of 30 hours per year) in appropriate subjects that assist and enhance their practice.

Ignorance of LGBTQ+ Partnerships and Lifestyle

Treating LGBTQ+ relationship problems as the problem:
A red flag is when relationship difficulties are routinely explained by a partner’s sexuality or gender identity, rather than exploring the couple’s actual relationship dynamics..
Assuming heterosexual relationship norms apply:
Has for assumptions about gender roles, sex, marriage, monogamy or family life that don’t reflect the particular relationship in front of the counsellor.
Is uncomfortable discussing sex or relationship structures:
A counsellor should be able to discuss sexual boundaries, consensual non-monogamy and different relationship structures without treating them as inherently problematic.
Knows the terminology but doesn’t understand the experience:
Using inclusive language or claims“I work with everyone” is not the same as having relevant experience and skills in working with LGBTQ+ couples.

Session Management

Taking sides or playing the judge:
Most qualified relationship counsellors treat the relationship as the client, rather than the two individuals. Other rationales may treat the couple as distinct partners. If the counsellor repeatedly gangs up on one partner, assigns blame, or declares a “winner” in arguments, they compromise safety.
Secret-keeping and poor boundary management:
A strong practitioner sets clear rules regarding individual communication between sessions. If they hold major secrets shared by one partner without addressing how that impacts joint work, trust breaks down.
Poor session management:
Allowing sessions to turn into unstructured screaming matches without intervention, or doing most of the talking themselves, indicates weak control of the therapeutic space.

Personal vs. Professional Beliefs

Pathologising or invalidating identity:
For LGBTQ+, ethical non-monogamous, or kink-aligned couples, a major red flag would be a counsellor who attributes unrelated relationship issues entirely to your gender identity, sexuality, or relationship structure. I wouldn’t suggest they’d say to a gay man: “If you married a woman, you wouldn’t have these problems,” but perhaps they demonstrate their lack of knowledge through clumsy, unhelpful interventions.
Imposing personal values:
Counsellors should never impose their personal beliefs on how a couple should behave (example: separating or staying together), nor push their own moral frameworks onto your relationship choices (eample: “I wouldn’t sleep around like you do”).

Red Flags vs. Green Flags – Direct Comparison

Here’s a summary of red flags vs green flags to be aware of in your couple counsellor.

Category	Red Flag Behaviour 🚩	Green Flag Behaviour 🟢
Bias & Neutrality	Sides with one partner during discussions or uses language that declares a “winner” in disputes.	Maintains a neutral position and a balanced focus, helping both partners to see their contributions or making interventions in a way where both partners learn something about their and/or their partner’s position.
Identity & Lifestyle	Blames your relationship issues on queer/LGBTQ+ identity or on the practice of non-monogamy.	Demonstrates affirmative awareness of LGBTQ+ and non-traditional relationship structures.
Qualifications	Has only general individual counselling training with no couples focus.	Holds (post)graduate qualifications specifically in couples or systemic therapy.
Supervision	Has no supervision arrangements, despite their practice requiring such (i.e. psychoanalysts may self-supervise).	Regular supervision arrangements are in place (e.g., 90 minutes per month), and arrangements for additional supervision are in place when they deem necessary.
Structure & Focus	Allows sessions to devolve into unguided shouting matches.	Interrupts unhealthy cycles actively to keep the space emotionally safe.
Boundaries	Keeps major secrets passed via private emails/calls from one partner.	Is clear about a transparent “no secrets” policy in all communications, though they respect the need for individual communication in exceptional circumstances (e.g., domestic violence) and manages such communication within the couple relationship.
Authenticity vs Avoidance	Avoidance: dodges your queries by giving a flamboyant, indirect response.	Authenticity answers your question directly, or at least as honestly as they feel is helpful at the time.
Session management	Does not intervene during arguments, or does so without rationale (i.e. they’re frightened to intervene, rather than having made a considered decision not to do so).	Works with the couple about an argument, possibly interrupting the argument or striking when the iron’s colder; but the couple learns something from the interaction

Questions to Ask During an Initial Consultation

Before committing to therapy, use a consultation call to screen prospective practitioners. Key questions to ask include:

What training do you have in couples counselling?

Ensure they hold specific and/or recognised (post)graduate qualifications or certifications rather than relying solely on individual therapy credentials.
In plain English, would you explain your theoretical framework for us?

This not only informs you on how the couple counsellor will approach relationship counselling, but also, by asking for a plain English description, shows whether the counsellor has sufficient depth of knowledge to translate academic knowledge (required to pass their qualifications) into plain English.
What is your approach to confidentiality and individual communications between sessions?

An experienced relationship therapist will have a clear “no secrets” policy regarding private calls or emails, notwithstanding in some exceptional situations (such as domestic violence) communication with one partner may be initiated by one partner.
How experienced are you with our specific dynamic or identity?

Ask directly about their familiarity with LGBTQ+ dynamics, neurodivergence, or ethical non-monogamy if relevant to your relationship.
How do you structure sessions if conflict escalates?

Listen for a confident strategy aimed at maintaining physical and emotional safety in the room.

Professional Memberships?

Some recommend asking about a counsellor’s professional membership body/bodies, e.g., National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS), United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), British Psychoanalytic Council (BPC), British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), etc. In all honesty, whilst a professional body might provide you with somewhere to go if your complaints are not met by the counsellor, you’re much better off raising complaints directly with the counsellor in order to solicit change, rather than asking a professional body to tell them off long after the experience (notwithstanding, severe professional negligence may best be reported to a professional body or even the police where applicable).

How to Raise Concerns or Change Therapists

If you notice red flags during therapy, you are not obligated to stay. Here is how to handle the situation constructively:

Address it directly in session: Bring up your observation gently (e.g., “I felt like the focus was uneven today”). A good couple counsellor will welcome feedback and adjust their approach as necessary.
Evaluate their response: A green-flag practitioner responds with curiosity and openness. If they become defensive, dismissive, or blame you, it confirms the incompatibility.
Make a clean exit: You can pause or terminate therapy at any point. A brief email stating that you have decided to seek a practitioner whose style aligns better with your needs is entirely sufficient.

Interested in the Specialist LGBTQ+ Partnership Counsellor?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Making an appointment for an initial session of couples counselling doesn’t bind you to a long contract.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Red Flags to Look Out For When Choosing a Couple Counsellor appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Preparing for your First Couple Counselling Session

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Thu, 03 Sep 2026 11:59:02 +0000

Preparing for a First Session

Preparing for your first couple counselling session is mostly about getting into a collaborative, reflective mindset, rather than doing heavy “homework”.

What you’re not being asked to do is to build a case of all your partner’s faults and everything that (you believe) they are responsible for.

The first session is a mutual assessment: you’re assessing the couple counsellor’s suitability for your relationship and how he works with you. The counsellor is assessing the material you’re bringing and how you’re able to make use of the interventions he’s offering.

If the mutual assessment goes well (even a little bit), further sessions are arranged.

If the mutual assessment does not go well for you as a couple, or the counsellor believes that what he’s offering is not well used by the couple, a referral or recommendation can be made (if the couple finds this acceptable).

Taking a few purposeful steps together ahead of time can help you both feel grounded and ready to make the most of your time with your new couple counsellor.

Core Steps to Prepare

Focus on your own contributions

Instead of building a case against your partner, think about your reactions, triggers, and habits within the dynamic. Therapy works best when both people look inward.
Identify what success looks like

Ask yourself what you hope to achieve. Is it better communication, making a decision about the future, or rebuilding trust? You don’t need identical goals, but knowing your own priorities helps.
Agree on mutual ground rules

Decide together that the session is a safe space. Agree to listen without interrupting and to refrain from weaponising anything said during the therapy session should you have arguments afterwards.
Handle practical details early

Log in to the video conferencing session a few minutes early to sort out technical setup.
Prepare to discuss the session afterwards

Leave a little time after the session to discuss the pros and cons together. The pros will tell you if the counsellor & approach are good enough for your needs; the cons will tell you what you might need to bring to the counsellor should you return for subsequent sessions.

What to Expect in Session One

Aspect	What Happens
Primary Goal	Assessment and establishing safety rather than solving major issues immediately.
Counsellor’s Role	Observing your communication style, asking clarifying questions, and mapping out history.
Key Questions	“What brings you here today?”¹, “Who first noticed that (these) problems were developing?”², “How did you first meet?”³, and “What have you already tried?”⁴

¹ An open question that allows you both to set the session’s agenda.

² Use of systemic circular questioning (read more about circularity here) that invites the couple to “compare notes” with their perceptions and recollections.

³ History. May lead to a discussion on “what has changed”? or “what do you think contributed to the changes?”.

⁴ Asking you to contribute to the session – not that what you have tried is no good, but perhaps what you tried might be tweaked or understood better to become more effective for your partnership.

Ready to make an appointment?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

A first session is about seeing if we have a good fit between the couple and counsellor.

Attending a first session in counselling does not (or aught not!) commit you to further sessions if you feel the fit is not a good one.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Preparing for your First Couple Counselling Session appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

How Does Couple Counselling Actually Work?

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Wed, 02 Sep 2026 11:18:09 +0000

Wondering how couple counselling actually works? If you have never experienced counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships, it will be difficult to know what actually happens when you sit down with your relationship counsellor on your computer monitor (i.e. video conferencing therapy).

Does the counsellor tell you who is right and who is wrong?
Do you just talk about your arguments?
Will you be given exercises to complete at home?
What happens if you and your partner disagree with each other during the session?
And, perhaps most importantly, can couple counselling actually strengthen your distinct relationship?

These are reasonable questions that any couple would ask, and I, Counsellor Dean Richardson, will do my best to answer them here.

Couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting in the same room. A relationship is the focus of the work itself.

The couple counsellor is there to help you both understand:

What happens between you (using the analogy of a “system” for your relationship);
To identify patterns that have become difficult to change;
To help you develop different ways of responding to relationship problems.

For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important. Your relationship does not have to fit a heterosexual model of what a couple “should” look like. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, mixed-orientation, open and non-monogamous relationships can all have their own structures, expectations and difficulties.

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the approach is specifically designed around LGBTQ+ relationships rather than expecting queer partners to conform to a predetermined heteronormative model (as other counsellors, ignorant of LGBTQ+ lifestyles and challenges, tend to do).

What is Couple Counselling?

Couple counselling is a form of therapy in which the relationship is the focus of the counselling.

You and your partner bring the relationship difficulties you are experiencing, and the counsellor helps you examine what is happening between you.

Relationship problems you might bring could include:

Repeated arguments that never seem to get resolved;
Difficulties communicating;
Feeling that your partner no longer understands you;
Emotional distance or loss of intimacy;
Problems with trust;
Jealousy or insecurity;
Disagreements about sex;
Deciding whether to open a relationship;
Difficulties following a change in your relationship;
Resentment about responsibilities or behaviour;
The effects of previous experiences on the relationship;
Considering separation or whether the relationship can continue.

Occasionally a couple knows that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is. Occasionally the couple believe they know what the problem is but cannot resolve it.

The couple counsellor assists the couple in understanding their problems from a deeper perspective – in ways they were not able to observe themselves before. The goal is not necessarily to arrive at an immediate explanation. The process can involve discovering what is happening within the relationship and why particular patterns keep repeating before the couple become autonomously inspired to begin to address their problems in a new, more effective way.

This is why couple counselling can be useful even when you have already talked about the problem many times. You may have talked about it repeatedly without actually changing the pattern.

How does Couple Counselling Work?

There are different approaches to couple counselling, and different counsellors work in different ways.

The approach used by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) integrates systemic and psychodynamic theoretical models of therapy. Don’t worry, though; he’ll speak in plain English, and you don’t have to understand what these models mean for them to be helpful.

Theoretical Models Simplified

A systemic approach looks at your relationship as a system: what one partner does, how the other responds, and how those responses then influence what happens next.

For example:

One partner becomes anxious… →

They seek reassurance… →

The other partner feels pressured and withdraws… →

The first partner becomes more anxious and seeks even more reassurance… →

The second partner feels invaded and becomes angry…

In this example both partners have become caught in the pattern without either deliberately choosing it.

The question therefore becomes less about “Which one of us is causing the problem?” and more about “What is happening between us, and how are we both becoming caught in it?”

This is the key to the systemic part of couples counselling.

A psychodynamic element can also help explore less obvious influences on the relationship. Previous experiences, anxieties, expectations and emotional responses can sometimes affect how partners interpret and respond to each other in the present.

The purpose is not to diagnose either partner or decide who is psychologically at fault. Instead, counselling can provide new information about the relationship. And when you understand more about what is happening, you have more possibilities for deciding what to do differently.

This is the key to the psychodynamic part of couples counselling.

What’s the first Couple Counselling Session like?

The first session is not an examination that you have to pass. You do not need to prepare a perfect explanation of everything that has gone wrong in your relationship.

Counselling sessions are just conversations (no bringing your homework for marking, nor wafting scarves, nor painting your feelings, etc.).

So, the first session is a conversation; an opportunity to begin understanding the relationship and the reasons you have sought counselling. You’re also evaluating the counsellor: is the counsellor suitable for your needs, and does working with him feel right?

At the beginning, you are likely to talk about:

What has brought you to counselling;
The difficulties you are currently experiencing;
How the relationship works;
What happens when difficulties arise;
Things you have already tried;
What, if anything, have those attempts changed;
What you would like counselling to help you understand or achieve.

The counsellor will also observe the relationship itself. That means paying attention not simply to what each person says, but to the interactions between you in realtime.

How does one partner respond when the other speaks?
What happens when there is disagreement?
Who pursues a discussion and who withdraws?
How does an argument begin?
What happens immediately afterwards?
Are there subjects that repeatedly produce the same reaction?

These observations can become important information about the relationship.

The first session also gives you an opportunity to decide whether counselling feels appropriate and whether you want to continue. We’ll make sure you understand the terms of the work (what you’re paying, when sessions are scheduled, how to bring counselling to a close, etc. matters that you will have received in a PDF beforehand).

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the first session includes a review of what has been discussed and consideration of whether continuing together seems like a useful way forward.

What Happens During a Couple Counselling Session?

There is no single script that every couple counselling session follows.

That is important because your relationship is not the same as somebody else’s.

A session might begin by looking at something that happened during the previous week. You may want to discuss an argument, something that has improved, something that has become worse, or a problem that you have been unable to resolve. The choice is up to the couple (and it’s not a test – you’re free to begin anywhere you feel is important).

The counsellor may then help you slow the conversation down.

Instead of simply discussing what happened, you might begin to examine how it happened.

For example:

What did you say?
How did your partner interpret it?
What did they do next?
How did you respond to that?
What were you expecting your partner to do?
What actually happened?
(asked of both partners simultaneously) What do you imaging your partner wanted to happen?

This can reveal patterns that are difficult to see when you are inside an argument.

The counsellor may ask questions, make observations, reframe something that has been said, identify a recurring interaction or invite you to consider an alternative explanation.

The process is collaborative rather than prescriptive.

You are not simply describing your relationship problems while the counsellor announces the solution.

Instead, the counselling relationship develops into a place where you can examine what is happening and consider different possibilities.

What Does Couple Counselling Feel Like?

This is perhaps harder to explain than what actually happens during a session.

Couple counselling can feel uncomfortable at times.

You may be talking about things that you normally avoid discussing with your partner. You may hear your partner describe an experience of the relationship that is very different from your own. You may discover that something you regarded as insignificant has been important to them.

Difficult Conversations

That does not necessarily mean that counselling is going badly.

In fact, difficult conversations are often part of the reason for coming to counselling in the first place.

There should, however, be a sense that the conversation is being contained and facilitated rather than simply becoming another argument. The counsellor’s role is not to take sides, but to facilitate you both in finding ways to communicate better.

A relationship counsellor working systemically is concerned with the relationship and the patterns within it, rather than deciding which partner is “the problem”. We describe this as maintaining a neutral position while helping partners understand their relationship dynamics.

As counselling progresses, sessions can also become less about explaining what is wrong and more about understanding what you can do with that new understanding.

How can Counselling Sessions help Tackle Relationship Problems?

One of the most useful things you can do with counselling is use the session to investigate the problem rather than simply complain about it.

Suppose you have the same argument every week. It might be tempting to use the counselling session to establish who was right and who was wrong during their latest argument.

A more useful question might be:

Why do we keep having this particular argument?

The counsellor can help you identify the sequence of events and the relationship pattern surrounding it.

Once the couple recognises a pattern, they may be able to interrupt it; if they cannot, the couple counsellor will assist them in looking into this newer problem too.

This is one of the reasons counselling is not necessarily about giving couples a list of relationship rules. Instead, you can learn more about your own relationship and develop ways of responding that are appropriate to you.

Counselling can be used to test new approaches

The work does not necessarily finish when the video session ends.

You may agree to try something differently during the following week. Perhaps you decide to approach a particular conversation differently. Perhaps you notice a particular trigger. Perhaps you try to respond to your partner without automatically falling into the familiar pattern. Then you can bring the experience back into the next session.

What happened?
Did it help?
Did it make things worse?
Did you discover something unexpected?
What should you change?

This creates a process of trying, observing, understanding and adjusting.

Dean describes this as developing a bespoke process with you rather than simply applying therapy from a manual at you.

Couples can consider alternatives to what is not working, test them between sessions and then discuss what happened when they return.

Does Couple Counselling tell you how to Fix your Relationship?

Absolutely nope.

A counsellor does not simply tell you:

“Having heard your arguments, I’m now going to tell you what to do…”

Relationships are too individual for a universal set of instructions to work for every couple.

Instead, effective couple counselling can help you develop a better understanding of your particular relationship.

That may lead to changes in communication, behaviour, boundaries, expectations or intimacy.

Discovering ways to change not considered before

It may also lead to a more difficult realisation: that the relationship needs to change in ways that one or both partners had previously been avoiding. Counselling therefore does not have to mean saving the relationship at any cost.

Sometimes the useful outcome is discovering that the relationship can develop in a healthier direction. Sometimes it is the couple deciding that their relationship should end.

Counselling can also help couples who are considering separation to understand what has happened and make decisions about the future.

LGBT Couple Counselling specifically offers support around breakups and separation as well as relationship difficulties.

Are Relationship Improvements Guaranteed?

No.

No ethical counsellor can guarantee that couple counselling will save or improve a relationship.

Counselling provides a process, professional expertise and a different way of examining the relationship. It cannot make two people want the same outcome.

There are several reasons why couple counselling may not produce the improvement you hoped for.

You and your partner may want fundamentally different things.
One partner may be unwilling to participate meaningfully.
The relationship may have reached a point where separation is the appropriate outcome.
You are disinterested in repairing the relationship (instead, maintaining a position of blaming your partner).
You may discover that the changes required are greater than either partner is prepared to make.
Or the counselling approach may simply not be a good fit for you.

This is why it is important to ask a potential counsellor about their specific training and experience in couple counselling, rather than assuming that experience in individual counselling automatically means experience in working therapeutically with relationships.

The aim should not be to promise an outcome.

The aim is to create the best conditions for you to understand your relationship and make informed decisions about what happens next.

How Long Does Couple Counselling Take?

There is no fixed number of sessions that every couple needs.

Dean has worked with different couples for fewer than 6 sessions and for longer than 5 years. There is no good average number because every relationship is distinct.

Some couples come with a specific problem and want short-term counselling focused on that particular issue. Other couples have relationship difficulties that have developed over many years and need longer-term work.

The important question is not simply:

“How many sessions will we need?”

It is:

“Are the sessions helping us understand and manage our relationship differently?”

Counselling can be short-term, focused around a particular goal, or continue for longer as the relationship’s needs develop.

The work eventually ends when the partners are sufficiently confident in managing their relationship themselves.

Why Choose Specialist LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling?

A relationship counsellor needs to understand relationships, but LGBTQ+ couples can also benefit from working with someone who understands the particular context in which LGBTQ+ relationships exist.

There should be no assumption that your relationship follows heterosexual relationship conventions.

You may be:

A gay male couple;
A lesbian couple;
A bisexual relationship;
A mixed-orientation couple;
Transgender partners;
An open or non-monogamous couple;
A throuple or other consensually non-monogamous relationship.

Distinct LGBTQ+ Partnerships

The purpose of an LGBTQ+-affirming approach is not to treat every LGBTQ+ relationship as having the same problems.

It is the opposite.

Your relationship is allowed to be understood on its own terms.

The therapeutic approach is specifically focused on LGBTQ+ relationships and is described as “non-judgemental” and “non-pathologising” – meaning we don’t label and we don’t point fingers.

What should you Expect from Couple Counselling?

Ultimately, couple counselling is a process of understanding your relationship differently.

You bring the problems. You bring your experiences, observations and ideas.

The counsellor brings specialist knowledge of relationship dynamics and a structured therapeutic process.

We work together

Together, you investigate what is happening.

You may discover patterns that neither of you had previously recognised. You may understand why apparently small issues repeatedly become major arguments. You may find new ways to communicate, negotiate difficulties or respond to each other.

And you may discover that some things cannot be changed.

That information is valuable too.

The purpose of couple counselling is not to provide a guarantee about your relationship’s future. It is to help you become better informed about the relationship you actually have so that you and your partner can make better decisions about what you want to do with it.

Couple Counselling is NOT about finding the Guilty Partner

If you are considering relationship counselling because you keep having the same argument, you may already have a strong opinion about who is responsible.

The more useful starting point can be to ask:

“What happens between us that keeps producing this result?”

That shift, from blaming an individual to understanding the relationship, can open up possibilities that are difficult to see when you are both trying to prove your own position.

And that is fundamentally how couple counselling works.

About this Bespoke Counselling Service

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

A first session does not commit you to continuing. It gives you an opportunity to find out whether counselling is right for you. You will not be made to attend more sessions than is right for you.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post How Does Couple Counselling Actually Work? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

30 Myths about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Thu, 27 Feb 2025 11:00:24 +0000

Intro to Couple Counselling Myths

I’m sure the topic of couples counselling for our LGBTQ+ community conjures up at least one or two scary thoughts and images in your mind.

These features might be about what you’re expecting an LGBTQ+ couple counsellor is going to “do” to your relationship or what horrorible kind of exercises they are going to tell you to do.

Maybe you have very high hopes about what the counsellor is going to do to cure your relationship of all of its ills and are not aware that you’ll have some work to make these hopes happen.

Whatever is in your mind, myths and rumours stop you from contacting a couples counsellor (although you are still interested, because you arrived at this article).

Is one of your misconceptions or myths not on this list?

[Add it in the comments below] and Dean will answer your concerns…

Let me assure you that there are many LGBTQ+ couples that came before you who have gone through couple therapy together with the author of this article: Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg). A good handful of them who had misunderstandings and believed erroneous myths about the counselling process were relieved to find they had very little to worry about.

If you’re one of the many LGBTQ+ couples who are considering counselling for your relationship problems but you have worries or concerns that are holding you back, I hope that the following Myths and Misconceptions (along with my clarifications!) will help relieve your anxiety and show you how helpful couple counselling can be for queer partners’ needs.

Clarifying Common Myths…

⚠️ GUIDE… as you read each point, it is a misconception about couple counselling (the myth is either wholly or partially untrue). I’ve added commentary in italics to help explain each point, what the reality is, and why it is a myth.

Couple Counselling is for heterosexual partnerships only. The original form of relationship (family) therapy (systemic/psychodynamic-based theoretical approach designed by the Milan Associates) was agnostic toward sexual orientation. The focus was on how family members behave with each other. The same applies to LGBTQ+ couple counselling – we’re interested in the behaviour and how we go about making beneficial changes. We respect and acknowledge that non-heteronormative relationships have distinct demands and needs based on each partner’s differing identification. Systemic/psychodynamic couples counselling (as offered by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) is effective for a majority of LGBTQIA++ relationships, and a specialist LGBTQ+ counsellor Dean has additional qualities beyond those a general counsellor has.
The sole purpose of couple counselling is to keep the couple together.No, it is not. Couple counselling starts with a discussion with the partners about what they want from the counselling work that is to come. The couple’s agreed objective can also be reviewed and altered at any time during the counselling work. So, an objective might include finding ways to separate amicably.
Couple Counselling is only for couples whose relationship is in a bad crisis.Nope – couples can make use of counselling even when their relationship is calm and cooperative. For example, some couples wishing to plan for some changes (e.g. a birth, a death, opening the sexual engagement side of their relationship, etc.) can make good use of couple counselling.
The couple has to have the same wants from counselling. Kinda, but not kinda. Regularly a couple may enter counselling with the same wants (e.g. repair the relationship) but may have different thoughts about how this is to be achieved. Sometimes a couple will come in with different wants from their relationship, which their partner is not in agreement with. A skilled counsellor, such as Dean, can assist the couple with negotiations and compromises. Unfortunately, if the couple cannot – or will not – discuss and compromise with one another with the counsellor as facilitator, a couple with incompatible, immovable agendas will not find couple counselling is the solution they’re looking for.
LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling is a scam for ‘conversion therapy’. Absolutely not. Couples counselling for LGBTQIA+ relationships is a queer-positive therapeutic process that respects you and your partner’s sexuality and gender identity. We’re only interested in changing your relationship’s behaviour to both of your satisfaction; nothing more.
Only couples in a bad relationship go to counselling.Couples in “good” relationships can make use of therapeutic conversations, too.
Counselling is only available if a couple have tried everything else first.Counselling cannot resurrect a relationship that is, to all intents and purposes, ended. It’s a better idea to consider counselling early with a relationship’s difficulties, rather than to leave counselling to the very last moment or consider it after everything else failed.
The couple therapist will fix one partner to the other’s satisfaction.The counsellor will not (actually cannot) change anyone to anyone else’s satisfaction. But maybe there’s space here to talk about what changes both would like to see each partner if they are willing to engage with and discuss your needs and requests.
Counselling stops when someone wants to end the relationship.Assuming the partner hasn’t walked out of counselling never to return, couple counselling can continue after someone shares that they want to end the relationship. When both partners come to a mutual or negotiated decision to end their relationship, counselling can become a supportive process in helping them process through this. Should one person leave couple counselling, the remaining partner is not cast out and is welcome to complete their work alone.
Only the partner who is “the problem” needs to do couple counselling; the other can either sit in the room and watch (e.g. being supportive) or stay at home.Couple counselling is a therapeutic process for two people – there are no observers in the room. It’s ideal for you both to bring your relationship together into the counselling session because both of you are affected by “the problem”.
It’s about finding all the faults and then fixing them.Maybe a little sometimes. But we certainly look at the relationship’s behaviour with interest and curiosity to learn and amend, without having to identify (or “point at”) faults or the one who-is-at-fault.
The therapist will pick a side (e.g. a male therapist will side with the man or with the woman if he fancies her, etc.).Couple counsellors (working in a systemic model of therapy), as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) does, maintain a position of “neutrality”. The counsellor does not take sides or judge one partner as being “in the right”. Neutrality allows for both partners to have their (sometimes opposing) points of view without being judged or evaluated as right/wrong by the counsellor.
The therapist’s belief is that the couple’s relationship must continue at all costs.This isn’t the therapist’s belief to hold; he follows what the couple themselves want, even if the couple change their decision (sometimes several times) during the work. Some couples end their work for now and return later.
The therapist is a judge; each partner will plead their case to him, and he will make a decision.To me this sounds more like arbitration; it’s certainly not couple counselling. The counsellor may have observations (such as noticing what triggers an argument) which he may share with the couple for their awareness and to make use of. The therapist will not make judgements (i.e. declaring which partner is the “winner”).
Couple therapy cannot take place when one or both partners are in individual therapy.Couple therapy is compatible with individual therapy. Couple therapy focuses more on working with the couple’s relationship and less on one or both individuals’ personal needs.
The couple must be facing a break-up if they want counselling.Not at all; counselling can help manage all sorts of difficulties that are unrelated to a break-up.
If the couple argue outside of the therapy, then it’s obviously not working.If I say to you that homework might involve having an argument (and making observations for discussion in the next session)… a couple may bring their argument into counselling for discussion, curiosity, and to learn what it’s really about. This is just an example, albeit a real one.
The couple aren’t allowed to argue in session.The counsellor cannot prevent arguments, but he may discuss with the couple (a) how they might interrupt an argument (if they wish to) and (b) when they might like the counsellor to interrupt an argument (if they wish him to). Arguments are certainly permissable.
The therapist will prescribe to the couple how they are to fix their problems (aka tell them what to do).The therapist is a skilled facilitator with knowledge of relationship psychology and abilities to help the couple see what they’ve not seen before. He’s also not a pseudo GP (a doctor, to non-UK readers) who prescribes solutions to relationship “illnesses”.
Only one person is the problem; the other is without fault. The counsellor will identify which one.Thinking about a system, parts of the system work together to produce an outcome. Sometimes a system is faulty, and usually it’s a collection of matters (one behaviour leads to another in response). A relationship is a system, too, with behaviours that can be tuned or improved upon. Identifying one person as the fault in the relationship seems unhelpful at best.
(Domestic Abuse) The abuser is the one at fault; the other is innocent.In reality, the couple can work together on ceasing domestic abuse.
All couples can benefit from couple counselling.Unfortunately, some couples cannot be helped by counselling, perhaps because they do not wish to embrace any change, are stuck in blaming the other, a partner won’t recognise the part they play, etc., or the couple are unable to make use of the process offered by the counsellor.
The couple can only use therapy if the crisis is happening right now.Actually, discussing a crisis when it’s not happening can give the couple space for clear thought and can support inspiration for changes that might be considered. Sometimes crises that had occurred many years ago can be discussed in counselling.
Counselling finishes when the problem has / all the problems have gone away.Actually, [systemic / psychodynamic] couple counselling assists the couple in creating processes to manage their problems more autonomously. They gain the ability to manage their own problems. A couple is welcome to leave counselling with ongoing problem(s), but with them managing their needs better than before.
Counselling is only an excuse for a partner to justify their decision to divorce (to gain information for their solicitor).It could be, but this isn’t a rationale for couples entering counselling (although it may be a secret one for one or both partners). A person trying to use counselling in a manner in which it is not intended, such as secretly documenting what their partner offers, is beyond the scope of this article – but you can form your own opinions on this kind of behaviour.
The relationship is already over before a couple enters counselling.Not strictly true if we’re referring to the counselling process, as a new(er) relationship can be forged between the couple. It is true that counselling cannot/will not rescue a relationship where one or both partners have decided they want to separate.
Couple counselling is a way to get information about the partner before a divorce.The systemic approach to counselling is not conducive to gaining information for a divorce, apart from the fact that the seeker would hold a hidden agenda and would be behaving dishonestly in sessions.
If we go to counselling, the counsellor can be a witness in a divorce settlement.Counsellors are aware of the law and requests that solicitors may make for their notes, etc. As the counsellor remains neutral through a counselling case, his neutrality makes him rather useless if one party is seeking him to give evidence detrimental to the other partner.
I can keep a secret agenda away from the counselling.You don’t have to reveal anything you don’t want to in counselling. However, if you have an agenda that’s going contrary to the purpose of the counselling (e.g. you want to separate, but you’re saying that you want to stay together), the counselling process will notice something “isn’t quite right”, to coin a phrase, and may very well struggle to be of much help to the couple.
The counsellor’s notes about your partner can be requested in a GDPR request.Most counsellors write personal process notes (that is, notes for the counsellor about what’s going on in their head, their thoughts etc), but not all counsellors write permanent notes on the couple themselves. When notes are about a couple’s relationship, a GDPR data request will require both parties’ permission, and only the data given to the counsellor may be requested (i.e., the counsellor’s private process notes are not privy to others).
Couple Counselling for LGBTQ+ Relationships is a Religious Scam. Admittedly, I have seen several adverts on social media that promote couples therapy services as being orientated towards “the biblical definition of marriage”. Ehem. This service (LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk) is a secular-based service, and whilst it respects whatever religious and secular beliefs you hold, it imposes no religious agenda, nor what the bible dictates is a marriage.

Thank you to Dr. Sue Johnson on Twitter for inviting the conversation: “What’s the biggest misconception about couple therapy?” – 23rd August, 2022 – which inspired this article. Go take a look at the latest comments.

The post 30 Myths about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

How does Couple Counselling Help LGBTQIA+?

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Mon, 22 May 2023 08:00:38 +0000

Gay couples counselling, also known as couples therapy or civil-marriage counselling, is a form of therapy specifically designed to help gay couples improve their relationship and to resolve conflicts together.

Relationship counselling can effectively assist LGBTQIA+ couples in resolving difficulties that they have been unable to handle on their own.

However, not all counsellors are able to offer couple counselling. Default training programs (in the UK) train counsellors to work with individuals only. Couple counselling is a very different approach therapy (no, it’s not “individual counselling with two individuals”) and only those properly qualified in couple counselling ought to be offering therapy to the public.

So, let’s discuss SEVEN ways in which couple counselling can be beneficial to gay couples:

An LGBTQ+-Affirming Counsellor

You get to work with someone who is totally on your side.

Not just a counsellor who might know some LGBTQ+ people, but a counsellor who has a deep, sometimes personal, relationship and comprehension of the struggles that gay couples may face together.

Improved Communication

A primary goal of couple counselling is to enhance communication between partners.

The counsellor helps the couple to develop effective communication skills, teaching them how to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy and constructive manner. A systemic counsellor can help in this way by interrupting poor behaviour patterns seen in session. The couple learn to recognise that they can make their own helpful interruptions too. Improved communication can lead to better understanding, empathy, and collaboration within the relationship.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Couples can face conflicts and disagreements, which, if left unresolved, can damage the relationship.

Gay couples may face struggles that their heterosexual counterparts may not. Counselling for gay couples provides a safe and structured environment where the couple will address and work through their conflicts, in the safe containment of the therapist’s presence. The therapist facilitates productive discussions, helps identify underlying issues, and guides the couple towards finding mutually satisfactory resolutions.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship.

Couple counselling can aid in rebuilding trust when it has been compromised (eg through an affair, through lying etc). The therapist will assist the couple in addressing issues such as infidelity, breaches of trust, or other betrayals. Through open and honest communication, sometimes built up over time rather than straight away, couples can work towards rebuilding trust and establishing a more secure foundation.

I Bet It’s ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ © CarbonNYC

Strengthening Emotional Connection

Over time, a gay couple may experience a decline in emotional intimacy and connection.

Couple counselling focuses on reigniting and strengthening the emotional bond between partners. The counsellor can help the couple identify and express their emotional needs, foster empathy and understanding, and encourage behaviors that enhance intimacy and connection.

Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills

Couple counselling equips partners with effective problem-solving strategies that can be applied to various aspects of their relationship.

Couples learn how to identify patterns of behavior that contribute to problems, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and find mutually beneficial solutions. These skills can improve the couple’s ability to navigate challenges and maintain a healthier relationship in the long term, well after the counselling work has ended.

Preemptive Relationship Maintenance

Couple counselling can also be valuable for couples who are not currently experiencing significant issues.

It can serve as a preventive measure to address smaller concerns, enhance communication, and strengthen the relationship before conflicts escalate. Preemptive counselling can help couples develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, promote ongoing growth, and foster a more satisfying partnership.

In short, counselling for gay couples provides a structured and supportive space for the men to work on their relationship, resolve conflicts, improve communication, and strengthen their emotional connection. The specific focus and goals of counselling will vary from couple to couple depending on the couple’s unique circumstances and needs. The first few sessions will be about discussing these needs, so that the couple can recognise they are on the right path with the right counsellor.

Learn more about Gay Couples Counselling…

The post How does Couple Counselling Help LGBTQIA+? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Can Gay Couples Attend Counselling over the Internet?

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Fri, 19 May 2023 19:53:35 +0000

“Can Gay Couples Attend Counselling over the Internet?”

Yes! Gay couples can work with a counsellor over the Internet using reliable, safe video conferencing technology that you (probably) already have in your pocket.

LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk – with its professional counsellor: Dean RIchardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) – is an effective helpful therapy service for gay couples who do not want to meet with a therapist in person.

Let’s discuss 5 top reasons for considering video/Internet counselling for your couple relationship.

Flexibility & Convenience via Internet Counselling.

Couple counselling using video conferencing offers flexibility in terms of being able to attend your session without having to travel to your counsellor’s office. Couples benefit from a regular session day & time that fits into their weekly diary. Gay couples in long-distance relationships or where one or both partners’ jobs take then away from home, can still attend their regularly appointment by simply loading Zoom Video Conferencing software from their location (their rented accomodation, their hotel room etc).

Such convenience is ideal for a couple’s hectic life in today’s work routines and obligations. Video conferencing allows them to keep their counselling routine consistent without having to commute or travel.

These benefits may be especially helpful for couples who have hectic work schedules or who reside in rural locations with limited access to local counselling services.

Session Ease of Accessibility.

Video conferencing provides an accessible platform for gay male couples to attend counselling sessions.

The technology eliminates geographical limitations and allows couples to connect with a qualified counsellor from anywhere, regardless of their location. This is particularly beneficial for those living in areas with limited LGBTQ+-friendly resources or who have limited travel options.

Your Privacy and Confidentiality.

Working with a counsellor through video conferencing offers an additional layer of privacy and confidentiality for gay male couples.

Couples can engage in counselling sessions from the comfort and privacy of their own home together, from different locations (even different countries) when apart and reducing concerns about being seen or recognized in a traditional counselling setting. The arrangements offered by LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk create a safe-space for couples to explore sensitive topics and discuss intimate details of their relationship.

LGBTCoupleCounselling.co,uk – No Waiting Rooms (Image by Daniel Cubas from Pixabay)

An LGBTQ+ Affirming Environment.

Finding a counsellor who is knowledgeable and sensitive to the unique challenges faced by gay male couples can be crucial to the effectiveness of a couple counselling relationship.

Through video conferencing, couples have the opportunity to connect with LGBTQ+-affirming therapists who have experience working with same-sex relationships. This can foster a supportive and understanding therapeutic environment that validates their experiences and identities.

Comfortable and Familiar Sessions.

Engaging in counseling through video conferencing allows couples to remain in a familiar and comfortable environment. This can help reduce anxiety or apprehension associated with visiting an unfamiliar counseling office. Being in a comfortable setting may enable couples to open up more freely, leading to a more productive therapeutic process and better outcomes.

In conclusion, gay couples can attend couple counselling through the Internet safely and in a way that suits their lifestyle.

Learn more about Gay Couples Counselling…

The post Can Gay Couples Attend Counselling over the Internet? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Counselling vs Coaching for LGBT Relationships

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Wed, 19 Oct 2022 08:16:41 +0000

Counselling vs Coaching for Relationships

The therapy services being offered by LGBT Couple Counselling are centred around relationship counselling rather than coaching.

Relationship counselling and relationship coaching, depending on the model, may have many aspects in common, and you may benefit from such commonalities.

Of course, you may not be aware (yet) of any distinctions between coaching and counselling (or even whether such distinctions exist).

In this blog post, I’ll briefly describe some important differences between counselling and coaching. You might notice how relationship counsellors include a superset of skills and approaches that coaches provide. This information may help you decide if you would like to work with a relationship counsellor or a relationship coach for your relationship difficulties.

Relationship Counselling

Counsellors help manage unhappy situations in all areas of life and are focused on assisting you with managing (rather than changing) what is. Relationship counsellors facilitate couples, helping them to discover changes they might make to their relationship instead of just living with how things are now.

Counselling uses psychology understanding (e.g. human development, human relationship systems) to assist with your understanding of (a) how your relationship got here and (b) facilitating your path towards a more healthy relationship using such understanding.
Counselling can look to the past to help with understanding of “how we got here,” inspiring choices to make changes and plans for the future.
Counselling avoids setting goals on behalf of the couple. It’s more about facilitating the couple into them making their own decisions about what to change, and supporting their own learning as things progress.
Counselling is good at helping you come to terms with what is.

Relationship Coaching

Coaches are available for all areas of life: from career coaching to religious or spiritual coaching. They all aim to help you achieve the direction you want to go in. Usually, this involves discussing, setting, measuring, and achieving goals. In a way, coaching becomes a way to thrive instead of survive.

A coach is focused on your potential to move forward from the present position.
Coaching rarely looks at the past, preferring to stay in the present and plan for the future.
Coaching is about change and action.
Coaching is good at help you change what is, and moving forward to what things could be.

In Summary

Relationship counselling assists the couple in understanding how their problems came about.

Counselling and coaching both help the couple move on and make changes that will make their relationship better, help it to grow again.

The post Counselling vs Coaching for LGBT Relationships appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Wed, 31 Aug 2022 14:42:16 +0000

Why you might need Choice.

How to choose the best LGBTQ+ counsellor for you and your partner(s)?

Simply taking the first counsellor (coach or other therapist) who you find or is offered to you may seem like the only option for many of us.

But we do have choices.

If only we knew what to look for in a new counsellor to decide if they’re a good one.

What questions do we ask an LGBTQ+ counsellor for our couples therapy or group therapy?

Learning what to ask a Counsellor.

If we know what to look for in a good counsellor, we won’t have to use the first one we find (or keep going to sessions with one who we don’t like). This can be especially true during “Qualifications Month” (aka July/August) when new counsellors get their diplomas, and some start working privately after only one or two years of experience.

How do we question such counsellors to discover if they might be suitable for our needs?

We might assume that the counsellor in front of us (maybe working out of our local GP’s surgery) has been thoroughly vetted long before we ever met them. But, even if someone else has looked at their credentials, how do we know if this counsellor is right for our particular needs? When you consider working with a private practice counsellor, how do you select one who is experienced, safe, and appropriate for your specific needs? What do you ask?

To help, here are thirteen important questions we should ask a new counsellor when we first meet.

🎓 Learn more of Dean's [dar_yearsinpractice ordinal=0 format=%u+] years Experience…

Interview your Counsellor.

My first piece of advice to you: interview your counsellor (which would also include you interviewing me!)

You don’t have to pick the first counsellor (or coach etc) whom you meet or have been allocated. You don’t have to feel as if you have to get things 100% right during a first session. Take a pressure off yourself, if you can.

A first session is a mutual interview anyway. The counsellor is determining if their approach seems suitable for you (something you can make use of). So, too, you ought to be determining if what the counsellor is offering is suitable for you.

If meeting with a private counsellor, maybe budget to meet with maybe two or three counsellors for at least one (maybe more if it seems right) session to get a sense of if your choice of counsellor is working for you.

If meeting someone provided to you (NHS, insurance, or company Employee Assistance Program (EAP)) assure yourself that you’re fully in your rights to determine for yourself if this counsellor is right for you.

Questions to ask a Counsellor

During the initial sessions, a counsellor will have things they need to learn from you (sometimes they may ask you something directly, or they may ask you to take the lead in, or expand upon, a topic). But you’re also there to evaluate the counsellor, too.

It may help you if you prepare your questions in advance (and, for the record, legitimate/confident counsellors will have NO PROBLEM being asked anything about their profession and their service, though some may decline to answer personal questions about themselves).

You might think about asking:-

What are your qualifications? This will tell you what the counsellor has trained in.
How long have you been qualified? / How long was your training? Tells you what span of practice the counsellor has (e.g. a training course of two years doesn’t offer two years of counselling experience as counsellors will not be allowed to see new clients until a significant amount of the course has passed first).
Explain your therapeutic framework to me in plain English. This not only gives you an overview you can understand, it will also allow you to see if the counsellor themselves understands their approach at a deep level (as opposed to, say, implementing it by rote).
During training, how long were you in your own counselling? Some courses require a student to be in personal counselling during the whole of the course. Some courses only a few sessions, and some have no requirement for personal therapy at all. Consider your needs from your counsellor: did they receive sufficient first-hand experience of the counselling model they practise, or might they have received insufficient experience?
You say you specialise in A, B, C – what kind of professional development or training supports this claim? Unfortunately, some therapists think that personal life situations, experiences or health conditions count as sufficient for a formal speciality (e.g. living with ADHD suggesting to the counsellor that they could specialise in working in therapy with others having ADHD; in fact, this criterion, in the absence of suitable continued professional development (CPD), provides them with little-to-no professional competence for offering a speciality in neurodevelopmental issues).
How are you qualified to work with Gay Couples / Lesbian Couples / Queer Couples / Mixed Sexuality Couples (etc)? This will tell you if the original training catered for LGBT/QIA matters or if the counsellor has taken additional training since qualifying (e.g. continued professional development).
How long have you been in practice? / How long have you been in training? This will tell you something of the counsellor’s experience.
How do you ensure that you’re practising to the best of your ability? You’re looking for how the counsellor manages difficulties beyond their training, experience or anticipation (e.g. the counsellor has consultation or supervision arrangements in place with another professional).
What insurance arrangements do you have in place? Counsellor should have some form of indemnity insurance in case of legal action, and public liability insurance to protect you if meeting on their premises, etc.
Of which Professional Membership Organisation/s are you a member? This will tell you either something about the counsellor’s rationale for choosing the organisation or that they haven’t really thought about why (which would be an interesting follow-up question).
Do you have any accreditation or additional certification? This will tell you something about the counsellor’s professional choices post-qualification. Accreditation is a kind of vetting process of experience. Certification tells you something about the counsellor’s choice of post-qualification training.
(Occasionally) I know you from the television / radio / newspaper; how will you keep what I discuss private? It’s true that some therapists are known in other professions, and there’s nothing wrong with this. But you need to know how a counsellor has actively thought about keeping one professional separated from the other so that your professional relationship is kept confidential and your material doesn’t appear in their other profession without having given your express permission first.
(Best asked after the first session) What have you made of me / my problems / what I’ve spoken about today… based on your professional opinion? This isn’t meant to offer you the therapist’s prescription; rather, it’s meant to allow you to see how the therapist may be processing what they have learnt from you today. You may not get a direct answer – some legitimate therapy approaches don’t quite work like that – but you will get some form of response that might help you judge how the counsellor is working with the session.

Listen to the replies you receive and trust your instincts.

Do you get a good feeling that this counsellor is answering your questions with authenticity or avoiding them?

Does this counsellor feel right for you as they engage with (or avoid) your curiosity by interviewing them? Could you see yourself working for a handful of weeks or even months (and sometimes years) with this counsellor?

Certainly, if you get a distinctly unsettling feeling about the counsellor, therapist or coach: try and put that into words to the therapist themselves (and notice how you feel when they respond to what you’ve said; this may be very helpful when you begin to evaluate if you want to work with this person or not). Sometimes a therapist may have a good reason not to answer your question directly (or at all – for example if you ask a personal question about their sexuality), but do you get the sense of them having good reasons to decline your question or a sense of a therapist who is avoiding something?

By interviewing your potential couple counsellor or coach, you can save yourself money (and potential distress) by making sure you’re picking the right one at the beginning of your therapy together.

If a Counsellor isn’t right for You.

Firstly, let me tell you why enabling this choice in you is important.

It’s been documented how the relationship between therapist and client(s) is as important as the counsellor’s therapeutic qualifications & practice (how they counsel). It’s the relationship that matters.

Hence… if the relationship turns sour (or wasn’t ever good in the first place), then the therapy cannot be expected to go very well.

Speak Up!

If you’re not feeling good about your counsellor, even having worked with them for a while, try to put those feelings into words.
Tell the counsellor what you and your partner are experiencing.
A good counsellor will listen and try hard to understand you / your needs. They might ask you some clarifying questions about what you’re saying – and this is to help them understand you better.
If you cannot put your feelings into words, try this simple feedback technique, saying:
- What is working for you.
- What is not working for you.
- What you would like to see done differently.
Remember that you have the right to feel content while working in counselling. Even when you’re working on some difficult, traumatic or terrible feelings, you still have the right to feel that the work you’re doing with your counsellor feels contentful.

Go Elsewhere

If things aren’t working out, your feedback hasn’t been embraced, or you just can’t tell the counsellor how uncomfortable their approach makes you feel, then stop going to the counsellor.

If going private, send an email saying you don’t wish to attend any longer.
You could just stop going, but even counsellors who struggle to engage with clients can benefit from feedback.
If attending a GP/NHS/EAP counsellor, contact the supplying organisation and say, plainly, that the counsellor is not suitable for you. You don’t have to go into lots of personal details to justify yourself (and if you are asked for your reasons, give simple, plain responses whilst protecting your own privacy).

‘Qualified’ doesn’t automatically mean ‘Couple Counsellor’

A majority of counsellor qualifying training in the UK sets up people to practice counselling with individuals (there are greater qualifications that cover multiple-discipline counselling, but these aren’t the norm).

However, couple counselling is not about working with two individuals (eg multiplying what the individual counsellor is qualified to do … by two!).

For example, the systemic/psychodynamic theoretical model employed by Dean Richardson recognises not two people as his clients but one relationship that the people are bringing. The relationship is the client. Individual counsellors would struggle to recognise this.

Dean maintain a neutral position, focusing on your relationship and what’s getting in the way of the two of you being able to pull together to make the one couple relationship successful.

As someone who has attended postgraduate training courses in couple counselling, Dean has witnessed fully qualified individual counsellors (who choose to accept couple enquiries) bring varied questions forward along the theme of: “why doesn’t my {individual counselling} approach work with this couple problem?”.

The answer, basically, is that the (individual) counsellor was not using the best tools for the (couple) project.

*Terminology

Recognised qualifications

If you look on services like Wowcher you might see adverts such as: “Become a Fully Qualified Psychotherapist with this training course (£49.99 / 2 days/weekend)”. They exist … but this would not be a recognised qualification (producing a not-very-well-prepared psychotherapist, IMHO).

Good training and qualifications vary in the UK, but a couple of tips to look for:-

Is the training organisation recognised/evaluated by other organisations? Look out for keywords like NCPS (National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society of Great Britain), BACP (British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy), UKCP (United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy), COSCA (Counselling & Psychotherapy in Scotland) and so on. Also, recognised universities train counsellors.
Can the counsellor themselves justify why they took the training they did (is their rationale sound, rather than, say, “it was cheap”?)
Did the qualification require a minimum number of hours of supervised practice (i.e. working with clients in real life for up to 100 sessions as a qualification requirement)? Otherwise, was their qualification about learning theories but required no practical, supervised clinical hours?
If claiming to be “qualified”, has the counsellor attained a minimum of a diploma (level 5)? A “certificate of attendance” (where the student attends college but offers no practical experience as part of their qualification) may not be sufficient for clients.
If still in training, has the counsellor established appropriate insurance and supervisor support (see below)?

Experience

Some counsellors – such as trainees – will have little actual experience of working with a real, live client. However, many will have had at least a year of prior training to prepare them with a framework to use as they begin working with people.

A trainee counsellor is not necessarily a bad one; in fact, some studies have shown that some people rate such counsellors as “Good / Very good” because all the counsellor knows to do well is… listen!

Insurance

Does the counsellor have public and private indemnity insurance (if in private practice), or has the organisation they work within provided such insurance.

Supervisory support

Sometimes called ‘supervisors’, sometimes called ‘consultants’, this is a process where the counsellor has engaged a professional to meet on a regular basis (e.g. 90 minutes minimum monthly) to discuss their clinical work, any difficulties they’re struggling with, and any problems that came up in the work with clients.

The post How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

How a Couple Counsellor Thinks – Integrated Systemic/Psychodynamic Framework

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Thu, 25 Aug 2022 14:49:56 +0000

This is a blog post about how a couple counsellor uses an integrated systemic (holistic systems thinking, circular causality (circular questioning), context, strengths and support, etc.) and psychodynamic (unconscious processes, defences, past/childhood experiences) theoretical framework. An integrated framework assists the couple counsellor in comprehending and forming hypotheses about the couple’s deteriorating relationship in order to assist them in developing their own understanding and resolution.

A Systemic / Psychodynamic Framework for Couples

How does a Couple Counsellor Think when he’s meeting with a relationship in therapy?

ℹ️ Note that my opening sentence deliberately avoids specifying the number of individuals (i.e.”when he’s working with two people for therapy…”). My integrated theoretical framework recognises the relationship as my client, rather than as the two individuals.

When listening and preparing interventions with a client, counsellors must employ a framework to support their work. There’s work to be done; we cannot simply listen to stories and only reply with a sympathetic-sounding “hmmm”.

But what knowledge do we use to help us navigate the counselling work?

Theoretical Framework

So, when we’re thinking, we’re applying our theoretical (or therapeutic) framework, learned during our qualifying training. The framework can be thought of as a significant database stored in our heads of knowledge and theoretical ideas about human relationships.

Couple counsellors, such as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg), employ an integrated systemic (family systems) / psychodynamic theoretical framework.

You may be curious as to what’s going on inside a couple counsellor’s head when he’s working with your distinct relationship (and, perhaps, what a systemic/psychodynamic framework is).

Our aim: to help improve a couple’s sense of their behaviour.

We attempt to assist a couple or group to make more sense of their behaviour than before they walked into the room. The counsellor tries to help them make sense of the stories the partners are telling us about their relationship.

Couple counsellors are not there to give advice nor to prescribe solutions (as if anyone’s personal experiences or fund of knowledge could provide a verbal “do this and you’ll be cured” prescription!). We’re there to help the couple learn about their relationship in ways they hadn’t noticed before. And nothing more.

At the same time, we’re not there to simply listen and sympathetically utter sympathetic “hmm” sounds. That would be people paying us a lot of money in return for what appears to be very little.

No, what is happening in our heads is that we’re using years of training, knowledge and experience to make sense of the client’s story around our theoretical framework; we’re attempting to bring comprehension first to ourselves and then to the client (using layman’s terms).

Curiosity can lead to new ideas, and then to new comprehension. At a place of comprehension, the couple can take this as an opportunity to make (prepare, experiment with…) relationship transformations – transformations which are welcome to be discussed within couple counselling sessions.

Paradoxically, the unhappy relationship system that the couple is in may be more familiar (and, hence, less scary) than the transformation they wish for.

Making changes to a relationship is often not easy – but this is what counselling sessions provide a safe space for: curiosity, discussion, planning and experimentation.

And I say “invitation” deliberately, because a counsellor doesn’t tell a couple what to do, doesn’t make them do tasks, and doesn’t judge their relationship (e.g. comparing it to those “other” couples who are more successful). The couple’s autonomy is paramount.

Let me share some of the things that go on in my head during a relationship counselling session.

Aims of the Counsellor’s Theoretical Framework

So, you’ve just poured out your hearts to the counsellor…

…and he replies: “hmm”.

You might think:“that’s it?!!?” You might be curious about why it’s costing you lots of money to pay the counsellor, and that all he appeared to do was to say “hmm”.

You may be wondering whether the couple counsellor is actually doing any work. Is there anything going on inside of his head? What does the couple counsellor consider prepares him to say something so simple or so profound that the couple is taken aback (because they observed behaviour that they were not observing for themselves)?

Unlike some other therapeutic approaches, this is not a one-size-fits-all approach (what some refer to as: manualised therapy). Couple counselling is a facilitated approach with an experienced counsellor who is thinking via a systemic/psychodynamic framework integrated with knowledge of human development. It’s kinda science-ey when you think about it! 🤔👍🏻

“Hmm” may mean that the counsellor is working hard in his head; he’s thinking. He’s making sense of what the couple/group have told him according to his theoretical framework (and other matters). He’s working on several jigsaw pieces in his head, preparing to put things in terms that the couple or group might comprehend and make use of, which may inspire an “aha” moment or assist them in recognising what change they may want to make.

This ‘stuff’ I’m describing is what we might call making use of the counsellor’s theoretical framework.

There are actually quite many theoretical frameworks, and it’s perfectly common for a counsellor to be qualified in applying just one, or a few of them.

A counsellor must apply the frameworks that (a) he is skilled at working with and (b) which of those frameworks inform him to offer the most effective intervention at any one time.

Let’s start with a simple framework based upon the Milan Associates’‘ discoveries about families and their behaviour.

Taking Things One Step at a Time

An overview of how LGBT relationship counselling works, starts with encouraging curiosity…

Curiosity (initiated through Counselling)… leading to → New Information.
New Information… leading towards → New Options.
New Options… leading towards → Negotiating / Making New Choices.
New Choices… leading towards → Transforming the Relationship (through informed empowerment).
Transformation Underway… the partners are developing affective behaviours that address relationship conflicts (and may choose to leave counselling).

Curiosity allows us to discover new knowledge. New information provides us (and our partners) with new possibilities, which leads to us making some new (or newer) relationship decisions. When new decisions are made, the behaviour of the partnership can begin to change. When the partners' relationship is much more under their own management (again), they will recognise it's time to leave counselling.

An Example of Systemic Thinking

As you read this section, keep in mind that my core theoretical models for relationship counselling are: systemic/family and psychodynamic.

The couple tell me a story.
I’m listening to one partner speak.
I’m observing the other partner’s behaviour in response to what the first partner is saying.
I’m noticing the interaction between the partners (I’m learning about the relationship).
I’m also paying attention to my feelings and thoughts and putting them on a shelf in my head so I don’t have to come to a decision right away.
Alternatively, if I hear something strikingly serious, I’ll note that in my head too.

As I listen, I’m keeping an eye on my neutral position, noticing if it shifts towards one partner or the other. If I detect a shift, I’ll be quietly curious with myself: what is causing my shift out of neutrality, and what am I learning?

I choose to move back to my neutral position because this is the position from which I can relate to the relationship/couple in front of me. I’ll stay neutral even when, for example, one partner tries to convince me the other partner is to blame for the situation they’re describing.

I’m waiting for the other partner to speak so that I might hear the story from a different perspective. As I do, I’ll notice within me confirmation and opposition (versions of a single story are rarely the same because they’re told from different perspectives).

Is it surprising that, with all this work going on in my head, sometimes the only thing I can acknowledge about the couple is, “hmm”?!

Meanwhile, I’m pondering how the two versions of the story relate to each other, because the relationship is my client (not one partner or the other, nor both together: it’s their relationship).

I’m looking at the story bearing in mind the client-relationship system (when partner 1 does “Behaviour A”, partner 2’s response is “Behaviour B”… which leads to partner 1 doing “Behaviour C” and so on). Do I notice any patterns in the behaviour? Have I heard versions of this behaviour process from the couple before? Might the relationship behaviour be being used to support a crisis or neurosis?

The Story Lived vs. The Story Told

But there’s another version of the story I haven’t mentioned yet: the story lived versus the story told.

The couple, one or both partners, may have a version of the story they tell themselves and a version that they actually act out in reality. So now the count of versions of the relationship “story” is growing.

Feedback to the Relationship

When I have something new in my head to share with the couple, I’ll offer it to the client-relationship for the partners to consider (or reject). If I have nothing new, I may tell the partners their story back to them (as they may not have felt heard in their relationship before). I may ask them to notice the holes in the story that I don’t yet have information about… or to hypothesise what might be going on in the system (with new knowledge comes new understanding and new options).

Some Couples Decline Help

Unfortunately, some relationships decline a counsellor’s help.

One partner may be stuck in their belief system (“they’re the problem, not me”) – when, from a systemic perspective, both partners play a part in being ‘the problem’.

Such stuck partners are unlikely, probably for good personal reasons, to consider a shift in their thinking or to entertain an invitation to build a pathway that helps the relationship walk forward out of conflict. Defensively, and for understandable reasons, they must hold on to their view and the expense of the relationship shifting.

But there’s more in my thinking process… lots more…!

Circular Questioning (Systemic Theoretical Framework)

I discussed earlier about the systemic counsellor thinking of the couple as one client (aka the couple’s relationship) rather than attending to two individuals. When combined into a relationship, the two individuals began (unaware) to construct a system: Partner A does “this”, causing Partner B to respond with “that”.

When we recognise the systems within the couple’s relationship, how do we ask a questions of that system? Of that relationship?

Standard open/closed questions (how, who, what, when, why, etc.) – also known as linear questions – can be ineffective in couple counselling. Linear questions seek specific facts, information, and content about a situation. Each individual would more likely answer a linear question from their own perspective (“How do you feel?”). Asking “How do you think he feels?” elicits an individual’s imagination or “I don’t know.”

To ask questions of the couple’s relationship, a systemic counsellor can apply a more effective style of questioning: Circular Questioning. Circular questioning encourages reflection and exploration from each partner of how a problem affects the other partner(s) in the relationship.

Questioning Relationship Connections

Systemic counsellors work on the assumption that every member of the family is interconnected with everyone else in their relationship system. When Partner A does something and Partner B reacts, Partner A may react to B’s reaction… and so on. We call this a Circular Effect.

The original developers of the systemic mode of Family (or relationship) Therapy (The Milan Associates) observed that for there to be relationships between people, there had to be differences between the partners. Differences inform both the couple and the couple counsellor about the couple’s relationship along with its connections and distinctions.

Circular questioning allows us to learn about the relationship’s differences and how the couple’s relationship system works as a whole (rather than querying the individual parts). We invite the couple to discover their response cycles and support them in figuring out together how they might like to alter their response triggers.

Circular Question Example

I’ll compare an open question with a circular question, then go on to describe other styles of circular questions.

An Linear/Open Question.

“How do you become angry?”

Here we’re asking an individual an open question (“how…”) about experiences that may lead to anger.

This question supports querying an individual, but not the relationship between the individual and another/others.

A Circular/Systemic Question.

“When {Andrew} is angry, how does {John} respond?”

Here we’re asking a circular question about the cyclic behaviour between the partners, in the form of “when {event}… how does the partner respond…”.

This question supports querying a connection between partners and invites both of them to participate.

For a more detailed example of working with (systemic) circularity, see my blog post: “One Useful Task for Changing the Path of a Relationship in Conflict“.

The Secret Task that Improves LGBTQ+ Relationships… FAST!

Can we improve our relationship by regarding it as a system with flaws we can learn to repair?

As stated earlier, we want the couple to learn about the relationship between them and how behaviours invite actions (which later may be altered according to the couple’s desire).

The circular question can achieve this more effectively than the open question.

Four Categories of Circular Questions

Circular Questions Across Time:Questions that query the differences between events happening in the present, past, or future. Compare tenses when appropriate.Example: “How is the problem now? How might this problem change in the future? How will this be different from now?“

Circular Questions on Aspects of a Person:Questions that focus upon aspects of a person (so, maybe, the person’s relationship with themselves) or aspects that a partner reacts to.Example: “When you are angry and in an argument with John, which part of you is more likely to be dominant: your rational side, or your emotional side?“

Circular Questions Between People:Questions that focuses upon behaviour between the couple (“Who does what… and when?”). Example: “Between the two of you, who most believes that John is mostly responsible for the anger that leads to the arguments“.

Circular Questions Between Situations:Questions that focus on situations between the couple (Events, places etc). Example: “{Speaking to the couple} Would you say you’re happier outside of the home together, or inside of the home?”

*For a wide range of Circular Questions see the published article: The Evolution of Circular Questions (Training Family Therapists) (c) Nelson, T. S., Fleuridas, C., Rosenthal, D. M. (1986) – Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 12(2), 113-127.

How does the Counsellor not Blame the Partner whose Fault this is?

An interesting question put to me by a non-couples counsellor (i.e. someone whose training focuses on individual clients) was asking about “how do couple counsellors stop themselves from blaming the partner who’s at fault?”

Here’s the misunderstanding: when the couple counsellor is thinking systemically, the counsellor is not observing one partner’s behaviour in isolation. There is no “one person who is the fault”.

There are two partners in a couple relationship, and – on a long enough timeline – both will have contributed to every event that has, is, and will occur to them.

Blaming one partner for an event nullifies the contribution that the other partner made before the “fault” and in response to, or after, the “fault”.

Consequently, as a couples counsellor, I don’t find myself thinking “blame”; I find myself thinking “precedences, events, responses”.

This approach can be very helpful to a couple experiencing difficult behaviour, including domestic abuse (where a layman might want to point blame solely at the identified abuser). However, with this way of thinking, and assuming both partners wish the abuse to stop, we can bring the skills of both partners into addressing and resolving the behaviour.

My Approach for LGBT/QIA+ Couples

I’m about to share an outline of my work as a couple counsellor with you. When I write “couple” I am also referring to “partners within any intimate partnership”. This can include intimate (polyamorous) couples as well as groups in an established relationship and family members.

So, let’s talk a little of the science-ey bits of how the counsellor makes use of integrated, theoretical frameworks (based, at its core, upon systemic/family therapy, psychodynamic understanding of the mind, and integrated with human development) to help relationships in counselling.

Here’s a section from my marketing page:

Dean's primary client is the couple's relationship (not the two individuals in the relationship). Inexperienced counsellors - or those untrained in relationship work - miss this important aspect when trying to work with a couple.
Dean's primary aim is to become redundant: the couple can end their counselling work without thinking that they've become dependant on a counsellor; nor feeling they will have to come back for 'top up' sessions in the future.
The couple stay only for as long as it's helping: meaning they might come to counselling for just a handful of sessions, or may choose to stay longer, until the couple can work on their relationship's needs on their own (again). Dean does not set a compulsory minimum (or maximum) period.
The couple work with just the one therapist: and Dean practices "neutrality" which means both members of the couple will be understood by a single therapist (no risk of multiple interpretations by multiple therapists in the room). Plus? the common factors that are underlying the couple's relationship problems can be understood and communicated back to them by a single couple counsellor as a single, consistent, understandable whole.
Dean does not solve the couple's current relationship problems. Dean is not a "Relationship Expert", doesn't promote his services as being so, and doesn't claim to have solutions and answers for the couple. Instead, Dean focuses on assisting the couple to learn and understand their own problems so that they can address and resolve matters using their own solutions.
The couple develop their own unique approach that can be helpful for years to come. Looking at the relationship's problems as if they are a symptom of a system that has become faulty (say, like a washing machine that works until it comes time to rinse). Understanding? and then amending? the relationship's behavioural-system can help the couple understand what's at the centre of their problems. With understanding, the couple can learn to manage & resolve not only current problems? but future ones too? for themselves.
Dean involves & immerses the couple in the counselling, rather than operating as a pseudo-advice-giving consultant with-all-the-answers.
Dean's couple counselling approach integrates effective systemic and psychodynamic approaches. Rather than using whatever is the latest fad in therapy, Dean successfully applies methods that have been tried and tested for a long time (30+ years: systemic, 100+ years: psychodynamic). This helps the couple (through curiosity, hypothesising & modelling) learn what's happening in their relationship and then helps them develop their own 'fault' resolving strategies.
Unlike some couple therapists who respond to questions with 'answers' (whether such generic answers can actually apply to the couple's specific relationship), Dean empowers the couple into being able to answer their own questions by understanding & resolving their own relationship-conflicts. This helps the couple become independent of the counsellor.
Boundaries are important: the session is contained within 50 (or 90, optional) minutes, weekly, in a safe room, with the same counsellor. For example, the couple always knows that they can open up (difficult) topics but not fear getting swept up into long arguments? because the session's end time is set.
Future "top-up" sessions become unnecessary: the couple ends counselling when they don't need the counsellor any longer. Dean doesn't "fix" the relationship for the couple, he assists the couple in learning how to fix their own relationship problems together. Added bonus: the couple uses the same techniques to manage future difficulties. Once the couple feel that they are more capable at addressing their relationship problems together, they can begin to bring couple counselling to a close without having to come back for "top-up" sessions (as if they'd somehow run out!).

In Conclusion

So, what is really happening in a couple’s counsellor’s head?

The counsellor listens to more than just two individual stories.

The counsellor is trying to understand the relationship between those stories: the patterns of behaviour, the responses each partner has to the other, the differences in how each person experiences the relationship, and the processes that may be maintaining the difficulties.

An integrated systemic/psychodynamic approach provides a way of making sense of this complexity.

Systemic thinking considers the relationship as a whole and explores the circular patterns between partners, while psychodynamic thinking considers the less conscious processes, defences and experiences that may influence how each person behaves within that relationship.

The purpose is to understand and support, not to find someone to blame or to provide instructions. Instead, counselling creates an opportunity for the couple to become curious about what is happening between them, discover information they may not previously have noticed, and consider different ways of responding to one another.

Ultimately, the aim is for the couple to become better able to understand and manage their relationship. The counsellor’s role is therefore not to become indispensable but to help the couple develop the understanding and confidence to continue without them.

In that sense, the most useful outcome of couple counselling is not simply to resolve today’s problem. It is helping the couple understand their relationship well enough to recognise, discuss and work through future difficulties together.

The post How a Couple Counsellor Thinks – Integrated Systemic/Psychodynamic Framework appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Counselling Archives - LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist

Challenges in Same-Sex Relationships: Beyond Common Couple Struggles

External Pressures Can Become Relationship Pressures

When external messages become internal

Creating a Relationship Without a Roadmap

When Partners are at Different Stages of a Sexuality Journey

Communication and Intimacy Are Often Connected

Intimacy can change too

Moving Beyond the Idea of a “Normal” Relationship

When a Specialist LGBT Couple Counsellor Could Help

A confidential space for your relationship

Interested in a Counselling Appointment?

Red Flags to Look Out For When Choosing a Couple Counsellor

Warning Signs of a Red-Flag Counsellor

Qualifications/Training

Ignorance of LGBTQ+ Partnerships and Lifestyle

Session Management

Personal vs. Professional Beliefs

Red Flags vs. Green Flags – Direct Comparison

Questions to Ask During an Initial Consultation

What training do you have in couples counselling?

In plain English, would you explain your theoretical framework for us?

What is your approach to confidentiality and individual communications between sessions?

How experienced are you with our specific dynamic or identity?

How do you structure sessions if conflict escalates?

Professional Memberships?

How to Raise Concerns or Change Therapists

Interested in the Specialist LGBTQ+ Partnership Counsellor?

Preparing for your First Couple Counselling Session

Core Steps to Prepare

Focus on your own contributions

Identify what success looks like

Agree on mutual ground rules

Handle practical details early

Prepare to discuss the session afterwards

What to Expect in Session One

Ready to make an appointment?

How Does Couple Counselling Actually Work?

What is Couple Counselling?

How does Couple Counselling Work?

Theoretical Models Simplified

What’s the first Couple Counselling Session like?

What Happens During a Couple Counselling Session?

What Does Couple Counselling Feel Like?

Difficult Conversations

How can Counselling Sessions help Tackle Relationship Problems?

Counselling can be used to test new approaches

Does Couple Counselling tell you how to Fix your Relationship?

Discovering ways to change not considered before

Are Relationship Improvements Guaranteed?

How Long Does Couple Counselling Take?

Why Choose Specialist LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling?

Distinct LGBTQ+ Partnerships

What should you Expect from Couple Counselling?

We work together

Couple Counselling is NOT about finding the Guilty Partner

About this Bespoke Counselling Service

30 Myths about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling

Intro to Couple Counselling Myths

Clarifying Common Myths…

How does Couple Counselling Help LGBTQIA+?

An LGBTQ+-Affirming Counsellor

Improved Communication

Conflict Resolution Skills

Rebuilding Trust

Strengthening Emotional Connection

Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills

Preemptive Relationship Maintenance

Can Gay Couples Attend Counselling over the Internet?

Flexibility & Convenience via Internet Counselling.

Session Ease of Accessibility.

Your Privacy and Confidentiality.

An LGBTQ+ Affirming Environment.

Comfortable and Familiar Sessions.

Counselling vs Coaching for LGBT Relationships

Counselling vs Coaching for Relationships

Relationship Counselling

Relationship Coaching

In Summary

How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions