Wondering how couple counselling actually works? If you have never experienced counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships, it will be difficult to know what actually happens when you sit down with your relationship counsellor on your computer monitor (i.e. video conferencing therapy).

• Does the counsellor tell you who is right and who is wrong?
• Do you just talk about your arguments?
• Will you be given exercises to complete at home?
• What happens if you and your partner disagree with each other during the session?
• And, perhaps most importantly, can couple counselling actually strengthen your distinct relationship?

These are reasonable questions that any couple would ask, and I, Counsellor Dean Richardson, will do my best to answer them here.

Couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting in the same room. A relationship is the focus of the work itself.

The couple counsellor is there to help you both understand:

• What happens between you (using the analogy of a “system” for your relationship);
• To identify patterns that have become difficult to change;
• To help you develop different ways of responding to relationship problems.

For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important. Your relationship does not have to fit a heterosexual model of what a couple “should” look like. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, mixed-orientation, open and non-monogamous relationships can all have their own structures, expectations and difficulties.

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the approach is specifically designed around LGBTQ+ relationships rather than expecting queer partners to conform to a predetermined heteronormative model (as other counsellors, ignorant of LGBTQ+ lifestyles and challenges, tend to do).

What is Couple Counselling?

Couple counselling is a form of therapy in which the relationship is the focus of the counselling.

You and your partner bring the relationship difficulties you are experiencing, and the counsellor helps you examine what is happening between you.

Relationship problems you might bring could include:

• Repeated arguments that never seem to get resolved;
• Difficulties communicating;
• Feeling that your partner no longer understands you;
• Emotional distance or loss of intimacy;
• Problems with trust;
• Jealousy or insecurity;
• Disagreements about sex;
• Deciding whether to open a relationship;
• Difficulties following a change in your relationship;
• Resentment about responsibilities or behaviour;
• The effects of previous experiences on the relationship;
• Considering separation or whether the relationship can continue.

Occasionally a couple knows that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is. Occasionally the couple believe they know what the problem is but cannot resolve it.

The couple counsellor assists the couple in understanding their problems from a deeper perspective – in ways they were not able to observe themselves before. The goal is not necessarily to arrive at an immediate explanation. The process can involve discovering what is happening within the relationship and why particular patterns keep repeating before the couple become autonomously inspired to begin to address their problems in a new, more effective way.

This is why couple counselling can be useful even when you have already talked about the problem many times. You may have talked about it repeatedly without actually changing the pattern.

How does Couple Counselling Work?

There are different approaches to couple counselling, and different counsellors work in different ways.

The approach used by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) integrates systemic and psychodynamic theoretical models of therapy. Don’t worry, though; he’ll speak in plain English, and you don’t have to understand what these models mean for them to be helpful.

Theoretical Models Simplified

A systemic approach looks at your relationship as a system: what one partner does, how the other responds, and how those responses then influence what happens next.

For example:

One partner becomes anxious… →

They seek reassurance… →

The other partner feels pressured and withdraws… →

The first partner becomes more anxious and seeks even more reassurance… →

The second partner feels invaded and becomes angry…

In this example both partners have become caught in the pattern without either deliberately choosing it.

The question therefore becomes less about “Which one of us is causing the problem?” and more about “What is happening between us, and how are we both becoming caught in it?”

This is the key to the systemic part of couples counselling.

A psychodynamic element can also help explore less obvious influences on the relationship. Previous experiences, anxieties, expectations and emotional responses can sometimes affect how partners interpret and respond to each other in the present.

The purpose is not to diagnose either partner or decide who is psychologically at fault. Instead, counselling can provide new information about the relationship. And when you understand more about what is happening, you have more possibilities for deciding what to do differently.

This is the key to the psychodynamic part of couples counselling.

What’s the first Couple Counselling Session like?

The first session is not an examination that you have to pass. You do not need to prepare a perfect explanation of everything that has gone wrong in your relationship.

Counselling sessions are just conversations (no bringing your homework for marking, nor wafting scarves, nor painting your feelings, etc.).

So, the first session is a conversation; an opportunity to begin understanding the relationship and the reasons you have sought counselling. You’re also evaluating the counsellor: is the counsellor suitable for your needs, and does working with him feel right?

At the beginning, you are likely to talk about:

• What has brought you to counselling;
• The difficulties you are currently experiencing;
• How the relationship works;
• What happens when difficulties arise;
• Things you have already tried;
• What, if anything, have those attempts changed;
• What you would like counselling to help you understand or achieve.

The counsellor will also observe the relationship itself. That means paying attention not simply to what each person says, but to the interactions between you in realtime.

• How does one partner respond when the other speaks?
• What happens when there is disagreement?
• Who pursues a discussion and who withdraws?
• How does an argument begin?
• What happens immediately afterwards?
• Are there subjects that repeatedly produce the same reaction?

These observations can become important information about the relationship.

The first session also gives you an opportunity to decide whether counselling feels appropriate and whether you want to continue. We’ll make sure you understand the terms of the work (what you’re paying, when sessions are scheduled, how to bring counselling to a close, etc. matters that you will have received in a PDF beforehand).

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the first session includes a review of what has been discussed and consideration of whether continuing together seems like a useful way forward.

What Happens During a Couple Counselling Session?

There is no single script that every couple counselling session follows.

That is important because your relationship is not the same as somebody else’s.

A session might begin by looking at something that happened during the previous week. You may want to discuss an argument, something that has improved, something that has become worse, or a problem that you have been unable to resolve. The choice is up to the couple (and it’s not a test – you’re free to begin anywhere you feel is important).

The counsellor may then help you slow the conversation down.

Instead of simply discussing what happened, you might begin to examine how it happened.

For example:

• What did you say?
• How did your partner interpret it?
• What did they do next?
• How did you respond to that?
• What were you expecting your partner to do?
• What actually happened?
• (asked of both partners simultaneously) What do you imaging your partner wanted to happen?

This can reveal patterns that are difficult to see when you are inside an argument.

The counsellor may ask questions, make observations, reframe something that has been said, identify a recurring interaction or invite you to consider an alternative explanation.

The process is collaborative rather than prescriptive.

You are not simply describing your relationship problems while the counsellor announces the solution.

Instead, the counselling relationship develops into a place where you can examine what is happening and consider different possibilities.

What Does Couple Counselling Feel Like?

This is perhaps harder to explain than what actually happens during a session.

Couple counselling can feel uncomfortable at times.

You may be talking about things that you normally avoid discussing with your partner. You may hear your partner describe an experience of the relationship that is very different from your own. You may discover that something you regarded as insignificant has been important to them.

Difficult Conversations

That does not necessarily mean that counselling is going badly.

In fact, difficult conversations are often part of the reason for coming to counselling in the first place.

There should, however, be a sense that the conversation is being contained and facilitated rather than simply becoming another argument. The counsellor’s role is not to take sides, but to facilitate you both in finding ways to communicate better.

A relationship counsellor working systemically is concerned with the relationship and the patterns within it, rather than deciding which partner is “the problem”. We describe this as maintaining a neutral position while helping partners understand their relationship dynamics.

As counselling progresses, sessions can also become less about explaining what is wrong and more about understanding what you can do with that new understanding.

How can Counselling Sessions help Tackle Relationship Problems?

One of the most useful things you can do with counselling is use the session to investigate the problem rather than simply complain about it.

Suppose you have the same argument every week. It might be tempting to use the counselling session to establish who was right and who was wrong during their latest argument.

A more useful question might be:

Why do we keep having this particular argument?

The counsellor can help you identify the sequence of events and the relationship pattern surrounding it.

Once the couple recognises a pattern, they may be able to interrupt it; if they cannot, the couple counsellor will assist them in looking into this newer problem too.

This is one of the reasons counselling is not necessarily about giving couples a list of relationship rules. Instead, you can learn more about your own relationship and develop ways of responding that are appropriate to you.

Counselling can be used to test new approaches

The work does not necessarily finish when the video session ends.

You may agree to try something differently during the following week. Perhaps you decide to approach a particular conversation differently. Perhaps you notice a particular trigger. Perhaps you try to respond to your partner without automatically falling into the familiar pattern. Then you can bring the experience back into the next session.

• What happened?
• Did it help?
• Did it make things worse?
• Did you discover something unexpected?
• What should you change?

This creates a process of trying, observing, understanding and adjusting.

Dean describes this as developing a bespoke process with you rather than simply applying therapy from a manual at you.

Couples can consider alternatives to what is not working, test them between sessions and then discuss what happened when they return.

Does Couple Counselling tell you how to Fix your Relationship?

Absolutely nope.

A counsellor does not simply tell you:

“Having heard your arguments, I’m now going to tell you what to do…”

Relationships are too individual for a universal set of instructions to work for every couple.

Instead, effective couple counselling can help you develop a better understanding of your particular relationship.

That may lead to changes in communication, behaviour, boundaries, expectations or intimacy.

Discovering ways to change not considered before

It may also lead to a more difficult realisation: that the relationship needs to change in ways that one or both partners had previously been avoiding. Counselling therefore does not have to mean saving the relationship at any cost.

Sometimes the useful outcome is discovering that the relationship can develop in a healthier direction. Sometimes it is the couple deciding that their relationship should end.

Counselling can also help couples who are considering separation to understand what has happened and make decisions about the future.

LGBT Couple Counselling specifically offers support around breakups and separation as well as relationship difficulties.

Are Relationship Improvements Guaranteed?

No.

No ethical counsellor can guarantee that couple counselling will save or improve a relationship.

Counselling provides a process, professional expertise and a different way of examining the relationship. It cannot make two people want the same outcome.

There are several reasons why couple counselling may not produce the improvement you hoped for.

• You and your partner may want fundamentally different things.
• One partner may be unwilling to participate meaningfully.
• The relationship may have reached a point where separation is the appropriate outcome.
• You are disinterested in repairing the relationship (instead, maintaining a position of blaming your partner).
• You may discover that the changes required are greater than either partner is prepared to make.
• Or the counselling approach may simply not be a good fit for you.

This is why it is important to ask a potential counsellor about their specific training and experience in couple counselling, rather than assuming that experience in individual counselling automatically means experience in working therapeutically with relationships.

The aim should not be to promise an outcome.

The aim is to create the best conditions for you to understand your relationship and make informed decisions about what happens next.

How Long Does Couple Counselling Take?

There is no fixed number of sessions that every couple needs.

Dean has worked with different couples for fewer than 6 sessions and for longer than 5 years. There is no good average number because every relationship is distinct.

Some couples come with a specific problem and want short-term counselling focused on that particular issue. Other couples have relationship difficulties that have developed over many years and need longer-term work.

The important question is not simply:

“How many sessions will we need?”

It is:

“Are the sessions helping us understand and manage our relationship differently?”

Counselling can be short-term, focused around a particular goal, or continue for longer as the relationship’s needs develop.

The work eventually ends when the partners are sufficiently confident in managing their relationship themselves.

Why Choose Specialist LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling?

A relationship counsellor needs to understand relationships, but LGBTQ+ couples can also benefit from working with someone who understands the particular context in which LGBTQ+ relationships exist.

There should be no assumption that your relationship follows heterosexual relationship conventions.

You may be:

• A gay male couple;
• A lesbian couple;
• A bisexual relationship;
• A mixed-orientation couple;
• Transgender partners;
• An open or non-monogamous couple;
• A throuple or other consensually non-monogamous relationship.

Distinct LGBTQ+ Partnerships

The purpose of an LGBTQ+-affirming approach is not to treat every LGBTQ+ relationship as having the same problems.

It is the opposite.

Your relationship is allowed to be understood on its own terms.

The therapeutic approach is specifically focused on LGBTQ+ relationships and is described as “non-judgemental” and “non-pathologising” – meaning we don’t label and we don’t point fingers.

What should you Expect from Couple Counselling?

Ultimately, couple counselling is a process of understanding your relationship differently.

You bring the problems. You bring your experiences, observations and ideas.

The counsellor brings specialist knowledge of relationship dynamics and a structured therapeutic process.

We work together

Together, you investigate what is happening.

You may discover patterns that neither of you had previously recognised. You may understand why apparently small issues repeatedly become major arguments. You may find new ways to communicate, negotiate difficulties or respond to each other.

And you may discover that some things cannot be changed.

That information is valuable too.

The purpose of couple counselling is not to provide a guarantee about your relationship’s future. It is to help you become better informed about the relationship you actually have so that you and your partner can make better decisions about what you want to do with it.

Couple Counselling is NOT about finding the Guilty Partner

If you are considering relationship counselling because you keep having the same argument, you may already have a strong opinion about who is responsible.

The more useful starting point can be to ask:

“What happens between us that keeps producing this result?”

That shift, from blaming an individual to understanding the relationship, can open up possibilities that are difficult to see when you are both trying to prove your own position.

And that is fundamentally how couple counselling works.

About this Bespoke Counselling Service

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

A first session does not commit you to continuing. It gives you an opportunity to find out whether counselling is right for you. You will not be made to attend more sessions than is right for you.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

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The Specialist You’d Choose

An LGBTQ+ couple choosing a relationship counsellor is one of the most important decisions the couple can make.

Every counsellor brings different qualifications, experience, therapeutic models, and personal styles to their counselling sessions. While many therapists are capable and dedicated professionals, not every practitioner offers the depth of specialist knowledge, relationship-focused training, or dedicated understanding of diverse partnerships required for complex dynamics.

For couples seeking thoughtful, experienced, and specialist guidance, Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) offers several qualities that distinguish his practice from online general counselling services.

What Should You Look for in a Couples Counsellor.

Reviewing a Counsellor’s Suitability

Before choosing a couples counsellor, it is worth looking beyond whether they simply offer relationship counselling or describe themselves as LGBTQ+ friendly (or an “ally”).

Consider whether the counsellor has:

• Specific couples-counselling training and experience working with a couple’s relationship itself, rather than primarily with individuals.
• Genuine experience with LGBTQ+ relationships, rather than LGBTQ+ clients being simply one of many groups they accept.
• A clear therapeutic approach that explains how they work with relationship difficulties and conflicts.
• An understanding of LGBTQ+ relationships and their particular circumstances, so you can discuss your relationship without having to educate your counsellor about its fundamental context.
• Appropriate professional qualifications, supervision and accountability.
• A style that suits you both, particularly whether you want a counsellor who tells you what to do or one who helps you understand your relationship and make your own informed decisions.

Important Considerations

The list above is a useful set of considerations for any counsellor you are thinking of.

They can help you make an informed choice about who is best placed to work with your particular relationship (rather than, say, choosing the cheapest fees, the most good-looking man, or the counsellor who was recommended by another couple with the assumption that their problems are the same as yours).

Dean Richardson – a Specialist in LGBTQ+ Relationship Counselling.

Postgraduate Diploma in Couple Counselling

Most counsellors complete their initial professional training to qualify them to work therapeutically only with individuals.

Such practitioners who attempt couples work will lack the specialised framework, comprehension, and approach required to navigate intricate relationship dynamics; working effectively with a couple, for instance, requires the counsellor to treat the relationship itself as the client.

For example:

Postgraduate Qualified

Dean’s postgraduate diploma trained him specifically in integrated Systemic and Psychodynamic Couple Counselling. This qualifies him to work with couples and their relationship dynamics.

Rather than listening to two separate stories, he works with the interaction between partners, the patterns, behaviours, communication styles, and emotional processes that develop within the relationship itself.

His approach encourages couples to become curious about what their behaviours are communicating, helping them gently disrupt unhelpful loops and understand the true function of their conflict for lasting change.

As a gay couple therapist, Dean brings lived insight, personal continued professional development focusing on queer relationships, and an affirmative, non-pathologising approach. This offers couples a non-judgemental space where sexualities and gender identities are naturally understood rather than treated as problems to solve.

Having decades of specialism in remote video therapy, Dean has honed a distinct practical ability to identify and highlight unrecognised relational patterns between LGBTQ+ partners, helping long-distance or cohabiting couples untangle longstanding battles constructively. His depth of hands-on experience allows him to act as an insightful, objective facilitator who respects the unique nuances of diverse relationship structures.

Dedicated Expertise in LGBTQ+ and Diverse Relationships.

Many counsellors list LGBTQ+ clients among a broad array of groups they work with, but Dean has built his entire private practice around these connections. For just over one and a half decades since his postgraduate diploma, his work has focused specifically on helping gay, lesbian, bisexual, mixed-sexuality, transgender, non-binary, and polyamorous relationships (including throuples and other intimate relationship structures) navigate conflict, disconnection, and change.

Deep Specialisation

This deep specialisation means that gay couples spend zero time explaining their identities, relationship structures, or unique pressures to a counsellor. Therapy begins from a position of profound understanding, creating an environment where diverse partnerships feel genuinely recognised rather than merely accepted. His gender-agnostic approach ensures clients are met with deep competence and a non-pathologising space.

Decades of Proven Experience.

Counsellor Dean live on video

Experience matters. Now in his 28th year of counselling practice with extensive experience devoted to relationship work, Dean brings a seasoned, steady hand that easily recognises subtle interactional patterns partners may have overlooked for years.

Assuring IT Experience

Furthermore, his background gives him a distinct edge in digital practice as an ex-IBM engineer contributing to his reliable experience of delivering secure online therapy via Zoom, Teams, and WhatsApp. This flexibility allows couples to attend sessions consistently from wherever they are, even if partners are temporarily logging in from separate locations.

A Collaborative Style and Plain English Communication.

Some people imagine counselling involves an expert telling couples how they should live their lives. Dean deliberately avoids this authoritative position. Instead of presenting himself as the person with all the answers, he approaches therapy with collaboration and curiosity, helping couples discover solutions that genuinely will belong to them.

Simple Communication

Furthermore, he believes relationship counselling does not need to be filled with clinical psychological jargon. Dean communicates clearly, naturally, and directly, explaining complex relationship processes in plain English that couples can easily understand and apply in everyday life.

Independent Practice and Professional Accountability.

Independent Online Counsellor

Many counselling services operate through large online platforms or commercial agencies where clients have little choice over their therapist. Dean works independently, meaning the therapeutic relationship develops directly with the person selected from the very beginning, ensuring total continuity.

An Accredited Counsellor

Dean was professionally accredited by his first professional membership body back in 2009. Now, as an Accredited Registrant (MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) with the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (Registration: NCS15-02454), Dean maintains monthly professional supervision, undertakes continuing professional development, and practises strictly within a recognised ethical framework.

Making your Informed Choice.

The Right Choice for Your Relationship

No counsellor can be the right therapist for every couple. The most successful journey begins when partners choose someone whose background aligns with their needs, and in the first few sessions they find working with him to be straightforward.

If you are seeking a specialist in LGBTQ+ couples counselling who:

• Holds specialised postgraduate qualifications in systemic and psychodynamic relationship counselling;
• Focuses deeply on LGBTQ+ and diverse relationship structures rather than treating them as just one of many groups;
• Brings over 27 years of practical counselling experience;
• Works collaboratively and transparently using plain English;
• Prioritises understanding the underlying dynamics of relationship conflict rather than assigning blame to one partner or the other; and
• Offers an independent, professional practice with flexible online video access,

…then Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) represents a distinctive choice.

Ultimately, relationship therapy is an investment in your future together, and partnering with someone whose therapeutic practice embraces relationship processes could provide a strong foundation for meaningful and lasting change in your partnership.

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Relationship counselling can effectively assist LGBTQIA+ couples in resolving difficulties that they have been unable to handle on their own.

However, not all counsellors are able to offer couple counselling. Default training programs (in the UK) train counsellors to work with individuals only. Couple counselling is a very different approach therapy (no, it’s not “individual counselling with two individuals”) and only those properly qualified in couple counselling ought to be offering therapy to the public.

So, let’s discuss SEVEN ways in which couple counselling can be beneficial to gay couples:

An LGBTQ+-Affirming Counsellor

You get to work with someone who is totally on your side.

Not just a counsellor who might know some LGBTQ+ people, but a counsellor who has a deep, sometimes personal, relationship and comprehension of the struggles that gay couples may face together.

Improved Communication

A primary goal of couple counselling is to enhance communication between partners.

The counsellor helps the couple to develop effective communication skills, teaching them how to express their thoughts, feelings, and needs in a healthy and constructive manner. A systemic counsellor can help in this way by interrupting poor behaviour patterns seen in session. The couple learn to recognise that they can make their own helpful interruptions too. Improved communication can lead to better understanding, empathy, and collaboration within the relationship.

Conflict Resolution Skills

Couples can face conflicts and disagreements, which, if left unresolved, can damage the relationship.

Gay couples may face struggles that their heterosexual counterparts may not. Counselling for gay couples provides a safe and structured environment where the couple will address and work through their conflicts, in the safe containment of the therapist’s presence. The therapist facilitates productive discussions, helps identify underlying issues, and guides the couple towards finding mutually satisfactory resolutions.

Rebuilding Trust

Trust is a fundamental component of a healthy relationship.

Couple counselling can aid in rebuilding trust when it has been compromised (eg through an affair, through lying etc). The therapist will assist the couple in addressing issues such as infidelity, breaches of trust, or other betrayals. Through open and honest communication, sometimes built up over time rather than straight away, couples can work towards rebuilding trust and establishing a more secure foundation.

I Bet It’s ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ © CarbonNYC

Strengthening Emotional Connection

Over time, a gay couple may experience a decline in emotional intimacy and connection.

Couple counselling focuses on reigniting and strengthening the emotional bond between partners. The counsellor can help the couple identify and express their emotional needs, foster empathy and understanding, and encourage behaviors that enhance intimacy and connection.

Enhanced Problem-Solving Skills

Couple counselling equips partners with effective problem-solving strategies that can be applied to various aspects of their relationship.

Couples learn how to identify patterns of behavior that contribute to problems, develop healthy coping mechanisms, and find mutually beneficial solutions. These skills can improve the couple’s ability to navigate challenges and maintain a healthier relationship in the long term, well after the counselling work has ended.

Preemptive Relationship Maintenance

Couple counselling can also be valuable for couples who are not currently experiencing significant issues.

It can serve as a preventive measure to address smaller concerns, enhance communication, and strengthen the relationship before conflicts escalate. Preemptive counselling can help couples develop a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, promote ongoing growth, and foster a more satisfying partnership.

In short, counselling for gay couples provides a structured and supportive space for the men to work on their relationship, resolve conflicts, improve communication, and strengthen their emotional connection. The specific focus and goals of counselling will vary from couple to couple depending on the couple’s unique circumstances and needs. The first few sessions will be about discussing these needs, so that the couple can recognise they are on the right path with the right counsellor.

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