The Nine “AI” Questions

A REAL Gay Couples Counsellor answers the questions that gay couples commonly ask of Google Gemini. Will the answers be more or less accurate? Here are the nine top questions with my answers (hi 👋) provided below.

1. “How to save my gay relationship?” Dean Replies: Relationships (or rather the partners within the relationship) can save themselves with the assistance of a relationship counsellor. The counsellor can assist a couple identify what’s going wrong in the relationship (different partners will have different points of view) and will work with the couple to facilitate them in finding their own resolutions and their own approaches to what has been threating to end their relationship Read more about this advice…
2. “Is my gay relationship going to last?” Dean Replies: Relationships can take all sorts of different forms, which couple counsellors call a Couple Fit. Provided the couple recognises each other’s needs, can attempt to give what their partner wants (within negotiated reason), and can negotiate conflicts to the couple’s satisfaction, a couple’s relationship can last through many years and many stages of their partnership. A relationship may transform from year to year, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. Being flexible and embracing change is your friend. Read more about Couple Fit on Counselling Directory…Read more about Relationship Stages
3. “Why is my gay relationship not working?” Dean Replies: Here’s an important fact: we cannot change anyone’s behaviour; we can only change our own*. So if our relationship is not working, it could be that we’re not reviewing our behaviour with respect to improving the relationship; making it “work”. Perhaps we’re waiting for our partner to do something, without thinking that the ball might be in our own court (while he’s waiting for us!). Talk openly and learn what needs addressing. *althogh we can put in requests of our partner; sometimes the response will be “no” Read more about Conversations Gay Couples should be Having…
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4. “How to communicate better in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Communication is a two-way street, and it can be better by practising a few skills. For example, when you are listening to your partner, stop preparing to reply. When we are considering preparing our reply and we’re waiting for the space to deliver our retort, we stop listening. When we are ready to reply, we must reply to what our partner has said, rather than give a kind of “Well, I know you are, but what am I?” reply. Communication needs us to comprehend what is being said to us, acknowledge and value what is being said to us, and only then add our reaction and thoughts to what has been said to us.

   An example:

   Poor:
   Him: “I would like us to go to dinner and really talk”.
   You: “You never listen to me when we talk.”

   Better:
   Him: “I would like us to go out to dinner and really talk.”
   You: “I would like that too. I sometimes feel as if you’re not listening to me, though.”
   Him: “I didn’t realise that. What do I do that makes you feel that way?”
   You: “Here’s an example…”

   Read about “the one useful task a couple can do”…

5. “How to deal with conflict in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Conflicts are incompatibilities. You want something but he does not. Where you like something and he does not. It’s about opposites and an unwillingness (or inability) to negotiate. Negotiations can be win-win (you both find something that meets with your approval), win-lose (where one of you gets what he wants but the other does not), or lose-lose (neither of you gets what you want). Over a longer time span, win-lose can be thought of as “I don’t mind what you want to do, although I don’t really like it. So tonight I will do your thing with you and tomorrow you can do my thing with me” – a negotiated compromise of exchange. Try this article on Counselling Directory on “Negotiating the Difference”…
6. “How to deal with infidelity in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. But infidelity does not have to be about sex acts, either. Any agreement between a couple where one later acts outside of the agreement can be considered infidelity. Let’s introduce you to the idea of ethical non-monogamy for a moment. This is where partners have agreed that sexual encounters with people outside of the relationship are permitted (sometimes with a set of rules designed by the couple). Ethical non-monogamy removes the state of infidelity through a prior agreement. Of course, without such a prior agreement, an act of betrayal by one’s partner can be hurtful. Read more about this advice…
7. “How to come out to my family and friends as a gay couple.” Dean Replies: There are many articles on how to come out (as an individual) but not so many about coming out as a gay couple. The thing is, if your family and friends are aware of your boyfriend’s existence (even if they don’t know his actual relationship with you), the chances are that they have already picked up on the idea that you are closer and more intimate than you imagine they think! If your relationship with your boyfriend is secure and it’s been going on for a healthy amount of time (read into that: longer than a week), then perhaps coming out as a couple would be wise to follow wise advice on coming out as an individual but with your boyfriend present. How to Come out to Family and Friends (The Guardian)…
8. “How to deal with discrimination as a gay couple.” Dean Replies: As someone once said: “if you’ve never only dared to hold hands with your partner in a gay club, then you haven’t experienced the sometimes frightening prejudice from some parts of the public.” My advice is to keep going and keep being safe. Prejudice is about ignorance (literally, not understanding) and about fear (a lot of us fear the unknown; think of the villagers hunting Frankenstein—too old a reference?). By keeping going, we slowly get the message out that we are a normal part of society (case in point: Russell T. Davies’s introduction of “Rose Noble” in Season 14 of Doctor Who). We prevent harm from ignorance by staying safe.
9. “How to find support for my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Support can come in many forms: such as meeting with a couple counsellor to help you both address a relationship problem or attending social support groups for couples and/or LGBT people. The groups don’t have to be therapeutic; they can be social groups, such as couple board game nights. Try searching Google for social or support groups. Go to Google…

Ten Enlightening Questions to Discuss with your Partner(s)

1. Communication. – Ask each other: “Are we able to communicate openly with each other about our feelings, needs, and concerns, or do we often feel misunderstood or ignored when we try to communicate?”
2. Conflict Resolution. – Ask each other: “How do we handle disagreements and conflicts? Do we find ourselves stuck in repetitive patterns of arguing without finding a resolution together?”
3. Emotional Connection. – Ask each other: “Do we feel emotionally connected and supported by one another? Are we able to share our vulnerabilities without fear of receiving judgment?”
4. Intimacy. – Ask each other: “How satisfied are we with our physical and emotional intimacy? Are there any barriers or challenges that we’re facing in this area?”
5. Shared Goals. – Ask each other: “Are our individual life goals and aspirations aligned, or do we find ourselves growing apart in terms of how we view our future(s)?”
6. Trust and Honesty. – Ask each other: “Do we trust each other a little, a lot, or fully? Are we honest about our actions, thoughts, and feelings? Are there any breaches of trust that we can address together?”
7. Respect and Equality. – Ask each other: “Do we treat each other with respect and equality? Do we value each other’s opinions and decisions? Do power imbalances exist between us?”
8. Life Stressors. – Ask each other: “How well do we handle external stressors such as work, family, finances, life changes, and other challenges? Do these stressors strain our relationship a little, a lot, or to breaking point?”
9. Emotional Well-being. – Ask each other: “Are both of us generally happy and fulfilled within this relationship, or do we feel regularly drained, unhappy, and/or emotionally unfulfilled together?”
10. Efforts and Commitment. – Ask each other: “Are we both willing to invest time, effort, and commitment into improving the parts of our relationship that need attention? Are we open to seeking professional help that can help facilitate us in areas that we struggle with?”