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30 Myths about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Thu, 27 Feb 2025 11:00:24 +0000

Intro to Couple Counselling Myths

I’m sure the topic of couples counselling for our LGBTQ+ community conjures up at least one or two scary thoughts and images in your mind.

These features might be about what you’re expecting an LGBTQ+ couple counsellor is going to “do” to your relationship or what horrorible kind of exercises they are going to tell you to do.

Maybe you have very high hopes about what the counsellor is going to do to cure your relationship of all of its ills and are not aware that you’ll have some work to make these hopes happen.

Whatever is in your mind, myths and rumours stop you from contacting a couples counsellor (although you are still interested, because you arrived at this article).

Is one of your misconceptions or myths not on this list?

[Add it in the comments below] and Dean will answer your concerns…

Let me assure you that there are many LGBTQ+ couples that came before you who have gone through couple therapy together with the author of this article: Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg). A good handful of them who had misunderstandings and believed erroneous myths about the counselling process were relieved to find they had very little to worry about.

If you’re one of the many LGBTQ+ couples who are considering counselling for your relationship problems but you have worries or concerns that are holding you back, I hope that the following Myths and Misconceptions (along with my clarifications!) will help relieve your anxiety and show you how helpful couple counselling can be for queer partners’ needs.

Clarifying Common Myths…

⚠️ GUIDE… as you read each point, it is a misconception about couple counselling (the myth is either wholly or partially untrue). I’ve added commentary in italics to help explain each point, what the reality is, and why it is a myth.

Couple Counselling is for heterosexual partnerships only. The original form of relationship (family) therapy (systemic/psychodynamic-based theoretical approach designed by the Milan Associates) was agnostic toward sexual orientation. The focus was on how family members behave with each other. The same applies to LGBTQ+ couple counselling – we’re interested in the behaviour and how we go about making beneficial changes. We respect and acknowledge that non-heteronormative relationships have distinct demands and needs based on each partner’s differing identification. Systemic/psychodynamic couples counselling (as offered by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) is effective for a majority of LGBTQIA++ relationships, and a specialist LGBTQ+ counsellor Dean has additional qualities beyond those a general counsellor has.
The sole purpose of couple counselling is to keep the couple together.No, it is not. Couple counselling starts with a discussion with the partners about what they want from the counselling work that is to come. The couple’s agreed objective can also be reviewed and altered at any time during the counselling work. So, an objective might include finding ways to separate amicably.
Couple Counselling is only for couples whose relationship is in a bad crisis.Nope – couples can make use of counselling even when their relationship is calm and cooperative. For example, some couples wishing to plan for some changes (e.g. a birth, a death, opening the sexual engagement side of their relationship, etc.) can make good use of couple counselling.
The couple has to have the same wants from counselling. Kinda, but not kinda. Regularly a couple may enter counselling with the same wants (e.g. repair the relationship) but may have different thoughts about how this is to be achieved. Sometimes a couple will come in with different wants from their relationship, which their partner is not in agreement with. A skilled counsellor, such as Dean, can assist the couple with negotiations and compromises. Unfortunately, if the couple cannot – or will not – discuss and compromise with one another with the counsellor as facilitator, a couple with incompatible, immovable agendas will not find couple counselling is the solution they’re looking for.
LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling is a scam for ‘conversion therapy’. Absolutely not. Couples counselling for LGBTQIA+ relationships is a queer-positive therapeutic process that respects you and your partner’s sexuality and gender identity. We’re only interested in changing your relationship’s behaviour to both of your satisfaction; nothing more.
Only couples in a bad relationship go to counselling.Couples in “good” relationships can make use of therapeutic conversations, too.
Counselling is only available if a couple have tried everything else first.Counselling cannot resurrect a relationship that is, to all intents and purposes, ended. It’s a better idea to consider counselling early with a relationship’s difficulties, rather than to leave counselling to the very last moment or consider it after everything else failed.
The couple therapist will fix one partner to the other’s satisfaction.The counsellor will not (actually cannot) change anyone to anyone else’s satisfaction. But maybe there’s space here to talk about what changes both would like to see each partner if they are willing to engage with and discuss your needs and requests.
Counselling stops when someone wants to end the relationship.Assuming the partner hasn’t walked out of counselling never to return, couple counselling can continue after someone shares that they want to end the relationship. When both partners come to a mutual or negotiated decision to end their relationship, counselling can become a supportive process in helping them process through this. Should one person leave couple counselling, the remaining partner is not cast out and is welcome to complete their work alone.
Only the partner who is “the problem” needs to do couple counselling; the other can either sit in the room and watch (e.g. being supportive) or stay at home.Couple counselling is a therapeutic process for two people – there are no observers in the room. It’s ideal for you both to bring your relationship together into the counselling session because both of you are affected by “the problem”.
It’s about finding all the faults and then fixing them.Maybe a little sometimes. But we certainly look at the relationship’s behaviour with interest and curiosity to learn and amend, without having to identify (or “point at”) faults or the one who-is-at-fault.
The therapist will pick a side (e.g. a male therapist will side with the man or with the woman if he fancies her, etc.).Couple counsellors (working in a systemic model of therapy), as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) does, maintain a position of “neutrality”. The counsellor does not take sides or judge one partner as being “in the right”. Neutrality allows for both partners to have their (sometimes opposing) points of view without being judged or evaluated as right/wrong by the counsellor.
The therapist’s belief is that the couple’s relationship must continue at all costs.This isn’t the therapist’s belief to hold; he follows what the couple themselves want, even if the couple change their decision (sometimes several times) during the work. Some couples end their work for now and return later.
The therapist is a judge; each partner will plead their case to him, and he will make a decision.To me this sounds more like arbitration; it’s certainly not couple counselling. The counsellor may have observations (such as noticing what triggers an argument) which he may share with the couple for their awareness and to make use of. The therapist will not make judgements (i.e. declaring which partner is the “winner”).
Couple therapy cannot take place when one or both partners are in individual therapy.Couple therapy is compatible with individual therapy. Couple therapy focuses more on working with the couple’s relationship and less on one or both individuals’ personal needs.
The couple must be facing a break-up if they want counselling.Not at all; counselling can help manage all sorts of difficulties that are unrelated to a break-up.
If the couple argue outside of the therapy, then it’s obviously not working.If I say to you that homework might involve having an argument (and making observations for discussion in the next session)… a couple may bring their argument into counselling for discussion, curiosity, and to learn what it’s really about. This is just an example, albeit a real one.
The couple aren’t allowed to argue in session.The counsellor cannot prevent arguments, but he may discuss with the couple (a) how they might interrupt an argument (if they wish to) and (b) when they might like the counsellor to interrupt an argument (if they wish him to). Arguments are certainly permissable.
The therapist will prescribe to the couple how they are to fix their problems (aka tell them what to do).The therapist is a skilled facilitator with knowledge of relationship psychology and abilities to help the couple see what they’ve not seen before. He’s also not a pseudo GP (a doctor, to non-UK readers) who prescribes solutions to relationship “illnesses”.
Only one person is the problem; the other is without fault. The counsellor will identify which one.Thinking about a system, parts of the system work together to produce an outcome. Sometimes a system is faulty, and usually it’s a collection of matters (one behaviour leads to another in response). A relationship is a system, too, with behaviours that can be tuned or improved upon. Identifying one person as the fault in the relationship seems unhelpful at best.
(Domestic Abuse) The abuser is the one at fault; the other is innocent.In reality, the couple can work together on ceasing domestic abuse.
All couples can benefit from couple counselling.Unfortunately, some couples cannot be helped by counselling, perhaps because they do not wish to embrace any change, are stuck in blaming the other, a partner won’t recognise the part they play, etc., or the couple are unable to make use of the process offered by the counsellor.
The couple can only use therapy if the crisis is happening right now.Actually, discussing a crisis when it’s not happening can give the couple space for clear thought and can support inspiration for changes that might be considered. Sometimes crises that had occurred many years ago can be discussed in counselling.
Counselling finishes when the problem has / all the problems have gone away.Actually, [systemic / psychodynamic] couple counselling assists the couple in creating processes to manage their problems more autonomously. They gain the ability to manage their own problems. A couple is welcome to leave counselling with ongoing problem(s), but with them managing their needs better than before.
Counselling is only an excuse for a partner to justify their decision to divorce (to gain information for their solicitor).It could be, but this isn’t a rationale for couples entering counselling (although it may be a secret one for one or both partners). A person trying to use counselling in a manner in which it is not intended, such as secretly documenting what their partner offers, is beyond the scope of this article – but you can form your own opinions on this kind of behaviour.
The relationship is already over before a couple enters counselling.Not strictly true if we’re referring to the counselling process, as a new(er) relationship can be forged between the couple. It is true that counselling cannot/will not rescue a relationship where one or both partners have decided they want to separate.
Couple counselling is a way to get information about the partner before a divorce.The systemic approach to counselling is not conducive to gaining information for a divorce, apart from the fact that the seeker would hold a hidden agenda and would be behaving dishonestly in sessions.
If we go to counselling, the counsellor can be a witness in a divorce settlement.Counsellors are aware of the law and requests that solicitors may make for their notes, etc. As the counsellor remains neutral through a counselling case, his neutrality makes him rather useless if one party is seeking him to give evidence detrimental to the other partner.
I can keep a secret agenda away from the counselling.You don’t have to reveal anything you don’t want to in counselling. However, if you have an agenda that’s going contrary to the purpose of the counselling (e.g. you want to separate, but you’re saying that you want to stay together), the counselling process will notice something “isn’t quite right”, to coin a phrase, and may very well struggle to be of much help to the couple.
The counsellor’s notes about your partner can be requested in a GDPR request.Most counsellors write personal process notes (that is, notes for the counsellor about what’s going on in their head, their thoughts etc), but not all counsellors write permanent notes on the couple themselves. When notes are about a couple’s relationship, a GDPR data request will require both parties’ permission, and only the data given to the counsellor may be requested (i.e., the counsellor’s private process notes are not privy to others).
Couple Counselling for LGBTQ+ Relationships is a Religious Scam. Admittedly, I have seen several adverts on social media that promote couples therapy services as being orientated towards “the biblical definition of marriage”. Ehem. This service (LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk) is a secular-based service, and whilst it respects whatever religious and secular beliefs you hold, it imposes no religious agenda, nor what the bible dictates is a marriage.

Thank you to Dr. Sue Johnson on Twitter for inviting the conversation: “What’s the biggest misconception about couple therapy?” – 23rd August, 2022 – which inspired this article. Go take a look at the latest comments.

The post 30 Myths about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Couples Don’t Talk… for Very Good Reasons

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Fri, 01 Dec 2023 12:16:47 +0000

Why Couples Don’t Talk…

You both may have given up talking to one another. You may have wondered why you cannot have a good conversation any longer. You may not have realised that you’ve stopped talking for very good reasons.

Why do gay couples stop talking to each another? Why is it hard for a gay couple to talk about their relationship? Why doesn’t my boyfriend talk with me anymore? What stops gay couples talking over their problems?

Maybe… when you tried to talk about things going wrong in your relationship, the conversation raised arguments that neither of you could diffuse. Maybe you tried to talk about:

An affair that happened years ago.
He might have said something that made you think: “…do I know him at all?”
You learned she has an emotional wound that you both just shouldn’t be talking about.
Recurrent behaviour that irritates you (both? ), but because you cannot talk about it and resolve it, you both avoid the matter, and not talking became a habit that pervaded other parts of your partnership.

…and these matters, which become undiscussable (for very good reasons), can remain hidden away, eating at the intimate space between you until, one day, something happens that brings them disastrously out of hiding once more… 😢

Counselling: a Safer Place to Talk

So, couples don’t talk… for very good reasons,

Why couple counselling can help: when entering into counselling, we can begin to create a safer place where important conversations might begin to take place. This place might be in the counselling session; it may involve both of you finding a neutral place away from the sessions.

Wherever that neutral space turns out to be, it will be a location where the issues we could not discuss previously can now take place.

Sure, we may need to create some rules that help you maintain safety and containment together. We will discuss what you both hope for in being able to talk. The couple counsellor can monitor both partners during their talking, and he intervenes when it all seems to be going a bit wrong. The couple can learn how to check in with each other while their conversations take place, so that they can monitor safety and change tactics when they’re away from a counselling session.

Whatever therapeutic framework we create together, it will be one that’s unique to your distinct relationship needs.

We’ll aim to make things work for both of you, enabling you to talk with each other again.

10 Reasons Couples Stop Talking

Talking to one another—and I mean really talking—is such a powerful tool, but it’s one that can be easily broken. We talk easily when we first meet, and as our relationship develops while things are going well. However, when talking seems to cause problems (note: it’s not actually talking that’s a problem, but the couple doesn’t realise this yet), stopping talking becomes the easiest way to prevent problems from escalating further.

Communication is a powerful tool, but it can be the first tool to atrophy when we really need to connect with loved ones.

Here are ten reasons we stop talking together.

Lack of Emotional Intimacy, Unresolved disputes, unmet needs, or a belief that one or both of them is taking the other for granted can all contribute to a couple becoming emotionally distant and withdrawing from communicating to each other.
Unspoken Judgements. When a couple makes unspoken assumptions about each other’s behaviour, roles, or future intentions, it can lead to misunderstandings and resentment, and unsaid expectations can build tension and make it difficult to communicate about such judgements.
Fear of Fights. A couple may avoid talking to each other out of fear of starting a fight; they may be concerned about their partner’s reaction, or they may fear that discussing a tough topic would lead to another dispute, of physical harm, or possibly of the complete collapse of the partnership.
Unresolved Conflicts. When issues between the couple are not addressed or resolved, they can fester and form a communication barrier; resentment, hurt, and anger can accumulate over time, making it difficult to participate in open and honest conversations.
Lack of Quality Time. We all have busy lives, and a couple may prefer other responsibilities over spending quality time with each other, which can lead to partners becoming disinterested in one another’s distinct lives and interests.
Different Communication Styles. As an example: when one partner prefers direct communication and the other prefers indirect or subtle communication, they may be unable to appreciate the other’s style, leading to misunderstandings and frustration. The solution, they believe, is to force the other to use their style, but this creates tension and stops further conversations.
Technology Dependence. Texting or social media can be a useful way for some couples to communicate, but without attention, it can also reduce face-to-face talking, diminishing opportunities for meaningful talks in their partner’s presence.
External Stressors. Financial difficulties, work stress, family issues, and other stressors can affect a couple’s relationship, making it difficult to talk to each other—or just not knowing how to bring up external stressors for discussion.
Unrealistic Expectations. When unrealistic expectations about relationships and partners are not satisfied, a partner may feel let down and retreat from communication, which can induce a similar reaction in their partner, and they both spiral into not talking any longer.
Underlying Issues. Depression, anxiety, substance addiction, or infidelity can all have an affect on a couple’s capacity to communicate with one another, and these challenges can call for professional intervention to assist the couple address the core reasons, allowing them to improve their communication with each other.

Helping you Tell your Story (once again)

It can help to think of couples counselling as “telling their story together.”

Here’s an example.

A couple comes into counselling carrying an open box. Inside the box are many jigsaw pieces, all mixed up. The pieces, together, represent how the relationship is supposed to “look” to the couple. The couple assumes that all the pieces that should be there are there, and they begin to build the jigsaw together to make the picture. As they do, the following happens…

One partner pulls out a piece, saying, “a blue piece—this obviously means it’s a piece of the ‘sky’!” and attempts to match their jigsaw piece to others that may also be sky.
The other partner looks at the piece, saying, “but a blue piece is not ‘sky’; blue is ‘sea’!” They take the piece away from their partner and tries to fit the piece with other pieces that might also be “sea”.

A struggle ensues between the partners. Some pieces are fitting together and others are not; the couple is fighting over whether “blue” means “sky” or “sea” and, therefore, what the overall “picture” is meant to look like.

But there’s a bigger problem with this approach than just the argument…

What Nobody has Noticed

… is that no-one brought the jigsaw box lid with them!

The couple don’t know what their relationship “picture” is supposed to look like.

This is a BIG problem for the couple!

Each partner in the relationship has an individual assumption about what each jigsaw piece is meant to be. Without the picture, though, they are not able to refer to a common image. They aren’t talking or bargaining with each other to figure out what each part of their relationship could mean. They are both forcing the other into accepting their individual meanings.

If this jigsaw puzzle story were analogous to a gay couple’s relationship, what does counselling contribute to helping the couple rebuild (or build for the very first time) the picture of how their relationship is going to look?

Learning your Partner’s Story

During counselling sessions, the counsellor’s role will include facilitating the gay couple into discussing, negotiating, and agreeing / empathising / compromising upon what each “jigsaw piece might mean”.

In the above example, blue could mean “sky” (according to one partner) or “sea” (according to the other). But what does “blue” mean to the couple’s relationship?

We’re assisting the couple in learning new information (remember the top of this page: new information → inspiration, negotiation, compromise). With new information, we may discover new ways for each component of the relationship to fit together. We might learn different attributions for parts of the relationship. We might learn what the relationship picture is supposed to be.

We’re supporting each partner with hypothesising: “if a blue piece could be more than sky or sea, what else could it be?” to empower the couple with newer (piece-fitting…) options to help build their newer relationship picture.

The couple (at their own pace) becomes empowered to make their own hypotheses about (and with) each other. As this ebbs and glows, the counsellor steps back and forward, holding the concept of the couple’s relationship in mind. The couple are discovering new information and are making new, informed choices sufficiently for the pieces of their relationship to fit together, better than before, and a clearer picture is developing in front of them.

Helpful Tips from Counselling

In this blog post, we’ve discussed reasons why a couple is no longer talking—it has become easier to not talk.

To begin trying to undo current behaviours and trying to begin talking again, these tips may help:-

1) Individually make a list of things to talk about. Compare the lists.

2) When making a request of your partner, things you say should be in one-sentence-at-a-time form. Try not to speak in whole paragraphs (or whole chapters!) or the risk is that your partner will lose the main point of your request.

3) Meet in a neutral place (such as away from home). Choose a safe place (a coffee house may feel neutral, but can you have a valuable conversation there?)

4) Be honest.

5) Listen! Listening is a different behaviour to: waiting to deliver your retort.

6) When replying, address your partner’s point first (rather than firing back a: “well you were even worse than me in this example, I’m now going to regail to you..!!”)

7) Speak in “Post-it!” note length. If you’re telling your partner something important, if, when written down, it’s more than a post-it note can hold, then your partner won’t hold it in their memory either.

8) If unsure of how to respond, ask your partner for help.

9) Responding with a solution may be less helpful than responding with empathy (“I understand, truely”)

10) Apply Circularity: what do you think your partner is thinking; check it out with them rather than acting on your assumption.

I hope this blog post helps xx

👫🏻 Gay / LGBTQ+ / Queer Couple Therapy...

The post Couples Don’t Talk… for Very Good Reasons appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

9 Questions Gay Couples ask of Google Gemini…

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Mon, 27 Nov 2023 15:20:05 +0000

Further to my article: Common Problems Gay Couples Resolve in Counselling, in this post (as a real counsellor) I’ll tackle the most common queries that gay couples put to Google’s large language model querying service: NINE Queries Gay Couples Ask of Google Gemini.

…individual partners may ask different questions of their partner as a couple relationship situation is often seen from different perspectives and different points of view.

It is important to acknowledge that every gay couple is unique and may have varying concerns preferences when it comes what they worry about in their relationship. In this post, we will explore some common questions that gay couples ask of Google Gemini, but this is how a real, experienced gay couples counsellor responds, rather than a large language model automaton.

And when you’re done, you might like to read about my Online Video Counselling for Gay Couples service. It’s pretty neat😁👍.

Ready?

Looking for Couples Therapy

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE GAY MEN'S COUPLE COUNSELLOR……who understands many of the problems that gay male couples face and who can assist in working through to better times?

Read about Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)'s gay couple therapy services today and begin your journey toward the more connected, more resilient relationship that you both want back.

Learn more…

The Nine “AI” Questions

A REAL Gay Couples Counsellor answers the questions that gay couples commonly ask of Google Gemini. Will the answers be more or less accurate? Here are the nine top questions with my answers (hi 👋) provided below.

“How to save my gay relationship?” Dean Replies: Relationships (or rather the partners within the relationship) can save themselves with the assistance of a relationship counsellor. The counsellor can assist a couple identify what’s going wrong in the relationship (different partners will have different points of view) and will work with the couple to facilitate them in finding their own resolutions and their own approaches to what has been threating to end their relationship Read more about this advice…
“Is my gay relationship going to last?” Dean Replies: Relationships can take all sorts of different forms, which couple counsellors call a Couple Fit. Provided the couple recognises each other’s needs, can attempt to give what their partner wants (within negotiated reason), and can negotiate conflicts to the couple’s satisfaction, a couple’s relationship can last through many years and many stages of their partnership. A relationship may transform from year to year, sometimes a little and sometimes a lot. Being flexible and embracing change is your friend. Read more about Couple Fit on Counselling Directory…Read more about Relationship Stages
“Why is my gay relationship not working?” Dean Replies: Here’s an important fact: we cannot change anyone’s behaviour; we can only change our own*. So if our relationship is not working, it could be that we’re not reviewing our behaviour with respect to improving the relationship; making it “work”. Perhaps we’re waiting for our partner to do something, without thinking that the ball might be in our own court (while he’s waiting for us!). Talk openly and learn what needs addressing. *althogh we can put in requests of our partner; sometimes the response will be “no” Read more about Conversations Gay Couples should be Having…

Instantly Improve your Relationships with this Secret Task…

How do techniques from systemic relationship counselling improve an LGBTQ+ couple's (or group's) relationship… FAST?

"The Secret Task that Improves Relationships…" could be the solution you're seeking; instantly halting the escalation of severe arguments.

This knowledge, known to systemic relationship counsellors, won't make a counsellor of you, but it will help transform a bad situation.

Reveal the secret…
“How to communicate better in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Communication is a two-way street, and it can be better by practising a few skills. For example, when you are listening to your partner, stop preparing to reply. When we are considering preparing our reply and we’re waiting for the space to deliver our retort, we stop listening. When we are ready to reply, we must reply to what our partner has said, rather than give a kind of “Well, I know you are, but what am I?” reply. Communication needs us to comprehend what is being said to us, acknowledge and value what is being said to us, and only then add our reaction and thoughts to what has been said to us.

An example:

Poor:
Him: “I would like us to go to dinner and really talk”.
You: “You never listen to me when we talk.”

Better:
Him: “I would like us to go out to dinner and really talk.”
You: “I would like that too. I sometimes feel as if you’re not listening to me, though.”
Him: “I didn’t realise that. What do I do that makes you feel that way?”
You: “Here’s an example…”

Read about “the one useful task a couple can do”…
“How to deal with conflict in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Conflicts are incompatibilities. You want something but he does not. Where you like something and he does not. It’s about opposites and an unwillingness (or inability) to negotiate. Negotiations can be win-win (you both find something that meets with your approval), win-lose (where one of you gets what he wants but the other does not), or lose-lose (neither of you gets what you want). Over a longer time span, win-lose can be thought of as “I don’t mind what you want to do, although I don’t really like it. So tonight I will do your thing with you and tomorrow you can do my thing with me” – a negotiated compromise of exchange. Try this article on Counselling Directory on “Negotiating the Difference”…
“How to deal with infidelity in my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Infidelity is the action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner. But infidelity does not have to be about sex acts, either. Any agreement between a couple where one later acts outside of the agreement can be considered infidelity. Let’s introduce you to the idea of ethical non-monogamy for a moment. This is where partners have agreed that sexual encounters with people outside of the relationship are permitted (sometimes with a set of rules designed by the couple). Ethical non-monogamy removes the state of infidelity through a prior agreement. Of course, without such a prior agreement, an act of betrayal by one’s partner can be hurtful. Read more about this advice…
“How to come out to my family and friends as a gay couple.” Dean Replies: There are many articles on how to come out (as an individual) but not so many about coming out as a gay couple. The thing is, if your family and friends are aware of your boyfriend’s existence (even if they don’t know his actual relationship with you), the chances are that they have already picked up on the idea that you are closer and more intimate than you imagine they think! If your relationship with your boyfriend is secure and it’s been going on for a healthy amount of time (read into that: longer than a week), then perhaps coming out as a couple would be wise to follow wise advice on coming out as an individual but with your boyfriend present. How to Come out to Family and Friends (The Guardian)…
“How to deal with discrimination as a gay couple.” Dean Replies: As someone once said: “if you’ve never only dared to hold hands with your partner in a gay club, then you haven’t experienced the sometimes frightening prejudice from some parts of the public.” My advice is to keep going and keep being safe. Prejudice is about ignorance (literally, not understanding) and about fear (a lot of us fear the unknown; think of the villagers hunting Frankenstein—too old a reference?). By keeping going, we slowly get the message out that we are a normal part of society (case in point: Russell T. Davies’s introduction of “Rose Noble” in Season 14 of Doctor Who). We prevent harm from ignorance by staying safe.
“How to find support for my gay relationship.” Dean Replies: Support can come in many forms: such as meeting with a couple counsellor to help you both address a relationship problem or attending social support groups for couples and/or LGBT people. The groups don’t have to be therapeutic; they can be social groups, such as couple board game nights. Try searching Google for social or support groups. Go to Google…

Helpful Tips from Counselling

Of course, not all gay couples will experience the problems listed as common by Google Gemini.

Couples Counselling can be an excellent resource for a gay couple, particularly when things haven’t been going well lately.

By looking through this website, the couple thinking about talking with a counsellor might find that Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) appears to match their particular needs as a gay couple counsellor.

But to make sure, you can put Dean through his own evaluation criteria as described in this blog post: “How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions“.

Hope this blog post helps xx

👫🏻 Gay / LGBTQ+ / Queer Couple Therapy...

The post 9 Questions Gay Couples ask of Google Gemini… appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Top 5 Priorities for Gay Couples seeking an Online Counsellor

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Sun, 19 Nov 2023 17:53:17 +0000

What do gay couples seek from their counsellor, when they’re considering a new, online video counsellor?

While individual partners will have varied preferences and priorities, when selecting a couple’s counsellor, there are some common factors that both partners will consider important.

…individual partners will have varied preferences and priorities from a gay couples counsellor, but there are some common factors that both partners will consider to be important.

It is important to acknowledge that every gay couple is unique and may have varying preferences when it comes to finding an online video counsellor. In this post, we will explore some common preferences that many gay couples consider when searching for the counsellor who can assist them with their relationship issues. These preferences may vary from couple to couple, and the specific needs of the reader may be different.

So, here are five points that gay couples look for in a counsellor to help them with relationship problems.

And when you’re done, you might like to read about my Online Therapy for Gay Couples service. It’s pretty neat😁👍.

Are you ready?

The 5 Priorities

Couples want their counsellor to apply LGBTQ+ Affirmative and Inclusive Approaches. Gay couples often seek counsellors who affirm diverse sexual orientations and gender identities. It may be a priority that the counsellor identifies as gay and male (or similarly to the couple’s identity). The gay couple wants a professional who understands the unique challenges that they are facing, that same-sex relationships face in general, and situations that are regularly faced by the LGBTQ+ community. The couple needs someone who is knowledgeable about the specific issues that are arising in their relationship. Dean is an LGBTQ+ affirming and inclusive counsellor, applying a systemic therapeutic approach that requires neutrality. Read more about Dean’s LGBTQ+ Affirmative Approach…
Gay Couples want an Experienced Same-Sex Counsellor. Some gay couples prefer a counsellor who has experience working specifically with partners in a same-sex relationship. Experience in addressing the challenges and dynamics unique to gay relationships can contribute to a more effective therapeutic process. Dean has 16 years experience of working with LGBTQ+ couples, having created this service originally for long-distance LGBTQ+ couples. Read more about Dean’s work as a gay couple’s counsellor…
Gay Couples want an Open-Minded and Non-Judgemental Attitude. A key aspect of successful couples counselling is creating a safe and non-judgmental space where the relationship partners can openly discuss their thoughts and feelings. Gay couples may seek a counsellor who is open-minded and free from personal biases, or who is skilled at maintaining neutrality (i.e. his personal biases are kept aside from the professional work). This allows the gay couple to explore their relationship without fear of judgement. Dean’s graduate diploma, awarded 23 years ago, demands a non-judgemental attitude, and his work with LGBTQ+ couples requires an open-mindedness Read more about Dean’s qualifications…
Gay Couples want Skills in Effective Communication and Problem-Solving. Strong communication skills are vital for any couple counsellor. Gay couples will benefit from a counsellor who can facilitate constructive conversations and who can provide effective tools for problem-solving. It’s important to have the ability to mediate and guide discussions in a way that fosters understanding and resolution until the couple is able to do this themselves. Over his years’ continued professional development, Dean has gained training and experience in solution-focussed therapy, which assists couple in defining their own problem solving skills Read more about Dean’s work with Gay Couples…
Seeking an Online / Video Counsellor requires he be technically competent. Prior to re-training in counselling & psychotherapy, Dean was a professional IT engineer and software programmer. He worked within both small, local software development houses (Portsmouth) and large corporations (Borland, Microsoft, IBM). When transferring his skills to practise counselling online over video (this service was originally for LGBT couples in long-distance relationships – sometimes dealing with distances of thousands of miles), Dean applied his technical knowledge and skills to this video technology. This means that many of the features offered by video conferencing (whiteboards, app sharing, break-out rooms, etc) can be used successfully in therapy too. Though video conferencing apps such as Zoom and Skype rarely have major hiccoughs, the couple can feel assured that if they get into technical difficulties, Dean will be able to advise. Dean’s integrated skills as an IT professional and, later, as a therapist span several decades and are an unusual offering in counselling services.

Helpful Tips Choosing a Counsellor

Of course, while these are general considerations, and individual preferences may differ, the most important factor is finding a counsellor with whom both partners feel comfortable and understood. Furthermore, the success of gay couples counselling often depends on both partners’ willingness to actively engage in the process and work towards positive change in their relationship. If they both get along well with the counsellor, this can have a significantly positive impact on the progress of therapy.

The points listed above are priorities and are not meant to be exclusive criteria (i.e. if the counsellor does not identify as male, nor gay, the couple may still find that the counsellor is right for their particular needs).
The points are intended to focus the couple’s curiosity and interest in what kind of counsellor could be helpful to them.

By looking through this website, the couple may find that Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) appears to match their particular needs as a gay couple counsellor.

But to make sure, you can put Dean through his own evaluation criteria as described in this blog post: “How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions“.

Hope this blog post helps xx

👫🏻 Gay / LGBTQ+ / Queer Couple Therapy...

The post Top 5 Priorities for Gay Couples seeking an Online Counsellor appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Ten Questions Every LGBTQ+ Couple must ask themselves…

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Fri, 11 Aug 2023 11:18:06 +0000

As an LGBTQ+ couple, throuple or polycule, you may have some concerns about how strong your relationship is and what your partner(s) think about your partnership.

Would it help if you and your partner(s) could ask some insightful questions that could alleviate your worries and that may also highlight what needs to be addressed (sooner rather than later)? I’m thinking it might be.

As a qualified, experienced relationship counsellor with 26 years practical experience, let me assure you that embarking on a journey of discovery within your partnership can actually be as exhilarating as it can be enlightening. Do not be afraid!

Allow me to offer you this thoughtful scenario:

…you and your loved one have a heartfelt conversation in a peaceful place, under a star-lit sky. You both explore the intricate nature of your emotions, dreams, and aspirations that have bound you together since you first met. By asking each other thoughtfully evaluating questions, you’re not just unraveling the enigmatic layers of your partnership, but you’re also creating a space where unspoken desires might find a voice. In finding expression, listened to with genuine curiosity, flourishes in your connection can bloom, and difficulties can be embraced.

The following ten questions may serve as a compass, expertly guiding you through a maze of your relationship behaviour, emotions and responses that you find helpful.

The questions assist you in discovering the strengths that make up your bond and illuminate the corners that may require a little more light.

This is an introspective journey about creating a mutually beneficial roadmap for your future together; it’s not just understanding where you are now. This trip can help you grow, rediscover yourself, and make your love stronger and even more resilient.

Your relationship journey is waiting for you.

Are you ready?

Ten Enlightening Questions to Discuss with your Partner(s)

Communication. – Ask each other: “Are we able to communicate openly with each other about our feelings, needs, and concerns, or do we often feel misunderstood or ignored when we try to communicate?”
Conflict Resolution. – Ask each other: “How do we handle disagreements and conflicts? Do we find ourselves stuck in repetitive patterns of arguing without finding a resolution together?”
Emotional Connection. – Ask each other: “Do we feel emotionally connected and supported by one another? Are we able to share our vulnerabilities without fear of receiving judgment?”
Intimacy. – Ask each other: “How satisfied are we with our physical and emotional intimacy? Are there any barriers or challenges that we’re facing in this area?”
Shared Goals. – Ask each other: “Are our individual life goals and aspirations aligned, or do we find ourselves growing apart in terms of how we view our future(s)?”
Trust and Honesty. – Ask each other: “Do we trust each other a little, a lot, or fully? Are we honest about our actions, thoughts, and feelings? Are there any breaches of trust that we can address together?”
Respect and Equality. – Ask each other: “Do we treat each other with respect and equality? Do we value each other’s opinions and decisions? Do power imbalances exist between us?”
Life Stressors. – Ask each other: “How well do we handle external stressors such as work, family, finances, life changes, and other challenges? Do these stressors strain our relationship a little, a lot, or to breaking point?”
Emotional Well-being. – Ask each other: “Are both of us generally happy and fulfilled within this relationship, or do we feel regularly drained, unhappy, and/or emotionally unfulfilled together?”
Efforts and Commitment. – Ask each other: “Are we both willing to invest time, effort, and commitment into improving the parts of our relationship that need attention? Are we open to seeking professional help that can help facilitate us in areas that we struggle with?”

Helpful Things to Remember

These questions are not intended to encourage argumentative conversation!
These questions are meant to encourage curiosity and interest between you.
Through curiosity one can have an open conversation with one’s partner to learn new things.

If answers to these questions indicate some significant challenges to be addressed, or they highlight ongoing distress in the relationship that you both were (kinda!) aware of already, seeking counselling from a qualified and experienced couples counsellor such as Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) can provide a safe and constructive environment for you both to discuss and address these issues. Counselling can help you work towards a healthier, happier partnership when some issues won’t go away.

Hope this helps xx

The post Ten Questions Every LGBTQ+ Couple must ask themselves… appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Ten Ways Throuples Ensure a Happy Relationship

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) — Sat, 22 Jul 2023 12:06:22 +0000

You may have heard of throuple relationships. You may be considering being in one.

You may worry that a throuple relationship is more complicated than a couple relationship or that the topic of three people in an intimate relationship is (somehow) taboo. You have no one to talk to about the relationship problems that may arise between a trio of intimate partners.

Let me assure you that, as a relationship counsellor who specialises in therapy for LGBTQ+ partnerships, throuples are a legitimate form of relationship expression, as are couples or polyamorous groups, and there are more “three-in-a-bed” relationships around than you might think.

If you’re new to relationship problems within a throuple, you may be investigating on the Internet how to fix them. You might be seeking advice on throuple relationships, and you might find some relief through some inspiring ideas on how to manage your relationship happiness.

On this page from LGBT Couple Counselling, let’s focus on how throuples make a success of their commitment to each other.

What is a Throuple Relationship?

A throuple relationship consists of three people who have agreed to be in a consensual, committed, romantic (usually intimate, but not always sexual) relationship. This is a long-term arrangement, as opposed to a casual sex-based arrangement (such as a “threesome”), and it differs from a polyamorous “unicorn” arrangement (where an established couple invites a third person into their relationship, whether for a short-term engagement or something longer).

A throuple relationship is not the same as an open relationship. An open relationship is a mutual agreement between partners to have romantic or sexual interactions with people other than their primary partner. A throuple relationship can be open, of course, but if all three partners wish to remain committed to one another, then the relationship will be different to an open one.

Non-Hierarchical Relationship

Throuples involve all three partners on an equal footing, with no hierarchy (or at least recognise & manage a dynamic hierarchy). There are no rules regarding the sexuality or gender identity makeup of a throuple relationship (though each partner will have individual preferences that will influence the makeup of the throuple they’re committing to).

Just as couples will have some interests in common, will do some activities together (go to the theatre, go on vacation, etc.), and will have interests and relationships outside of the couple relationship, members of a throuple relationship will have some interests in common, will do some activities together, and will have different interests and relationships/friendships outside of the relationship.

Fewer Rules, More Consideration

There are no documented rules for creating and sustaining a joyful and fulfilling throuple relationship. There are some important considerations, however, such as putting effort, communication, and understanding into the relationship from all sides. Unlike a traditional couple relationship, where there’s just one partner to consider, each partner in a throuple relationship has at least one, and often two, partners to consider.

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Ten Behaviours for Throuple-Happy Relationships

Let’s take a look at ten key behaviours that partners in a throuple relationship engage in to achieve contentment and happiness.

Open Communication. Communication is vital! Create a safe and open environment in which all members can express their feelings, desires, and concerns without fear of being judged. To avoid misunderstandings, think about what your needs, expectations, and boundaries are and communicate these with your partners.
Trust, Honesty and Respect. Encourage trust among all members by being open and honest with one another. Avoid keeping secrets or withholding important information, as these can lead to trust issues in the relationship. Respect and consideration should be shown to all members of the throuple. Each person’s thoughts, feelings, and needs are to be respected and acknowledged.
Guidelines and Boundaries. Just as with any other new relationship, guidelines (or “rules”) and boundaries are discovered by communication and conflicts. Usually, you do something, and one of your partners becomes upset; there’s the opportunity to create a rule (“don’t do the thing”). But you can also set up guidelines and boundaries early on by a simple discussion: “I don’t like this kind of thing.” “When this happens, I feel distressed.” etc. Understand that this is not a rulebook that everyone gets a copy of (unless you actually produce a rulebook together, and why not?). There’s potential for someone to misunderstand a guideline or forget about a boundary. But allowing for flexibility, understanding, compassion and feedback, your distinct relationship’s rules can become second nature.
Individual Space. While participating in a throuple, it is essential to safeguard individual space and activities. Encourage each other to pursue personal interests and friendships outside of the relationship.
Managing Jealousy. In any relationship, including throuples, jealousy can arise. Together you can tackle jealousy openly and without blame provided that you can find the courage to bring your feelings to your partners. Focus on collaborative problem-solving rather than blaming one another.
Conflict Resolution. Learn healthy conflict resolution techniques. Avoid personal attacks and instead concentrate on the issue at hand. Be open to compromise and finding solutions that benefit all members.
Shared Values and Goals. Recognise that all members of the throuple share common values and long-term relationship goals. Discuss your future expectations and collaborate to align your goals.
Quality time Together. Spend quality time as a throuple doing things that will strengthen your bond and connection. This could include things like shared hobbies, date nights, or simply spending quality time talking and connecting emotionally.
Regular Check-ins. Schedule regular check-ins to assess the relationship’s health and individual well-being. These discussions allow for the proactive resolution of any concerns and the assurance that everyone feels heard and supported. You could even keep a relationship book in the kitchen where each of you writes an item to be discussed at the next check-in.
Seeking Support when Needed. If difficulties appear to be too difficult to overcome on your own, consider seeking the assistance of a relationship counsellor or therapist who has experience working with non-traditional relationships. A professional can offer advice and tools to help you navigate any issues that may arise.

Throuples are Normal Relationships

Every relationship is distinct, whether it is a throuple, couple, or polycule. What works well for one throuple relationship may not work as well for another.

Throuples are normal relationships (albeit society may not have caught up to the concept yet), and they enjoy and struggle like any other form of human relationship.

Key traits for maintaining throuple relationships include flexibility, understanding, and adaptability.

Throuples focusing on these regularly enjoy a thriving and fulfilling partnership together; coincidence?

Now, go and live happily.

The post Ten Ways Throuples Ensure a Happy Relationship appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.