One Task that Improves a Relationship

I’m going to discuss with you an important technique from systemic couple counselling.

You’re not going to become a counsellor by knowing this technique, but the knowledge will help you create one simple, effective task that will dramatically improve a couple’s relationship. You might add the task as one of your relationship goals, if you like.

I’ll reveal the secret task later on, first taking you step-by-step through the process.

Are you ready?

Systems in Couple Relationships

In systemic couples counselling, the term “system” refers to the couple’s relationship; specifically how partners respond to one another in their responses and behaviours.

It may be one of the relationship’s goals to learn how to change their behaviour, and regarding the relationship as a system can help to achieve this.

An Example System:

Partner A asks: “did you buy milk on the way home”.
Partner B responds: “You didn’t ask me to!?!”.
Partner A responds: “I thought it would have been obvious, so why didn’t you?”
Partner B responds: “How many times have I asked you to tell me…”

Do you see an argument building in this interaction?

This is a system in which each response is based on the previous one, and the couple has locked themselves into an escalating argument.

Couples regularly come to counselling because their relationship has been going wrong (possibly for some time). They make include a relationship goal to be able to improve their behaviour, such as halting arguments early. Systemic counselling focusses on how partners behave with each other in their relationships, and this can help the couple identify what parts of their relationship (their “system”) that there like to amend

Systems are not limited to couples (monogamous, polyamorous, open, etc.), neither. Systemic counselling can be helpful to a polyamorous group, a set of friends, a family, even an orchestra, and many more combinations!

What we can learn from Systems

The systemic therapy model can help partners recognise poor, bad, or violent patterns of behaviour and introduce changes that disrupt bad events. Partners discover how they might perturb a system together. When this is being discovered in, say, couple counselling, the partners grow to become independent of the counsellor’s ability to recognise and teach them (by, say, circular questioning) what’s happening in their relationship systems.

A systemic counsellor works by being curious about how the relationship’s system works (what goes wrong, what works well, why the differences, etc.), and the counsellor’s skills lie in their independent curiosity (they can ask about matters the couple might be turning a blind eye to).

What partners can learn from a System

With curiosity comes the opportunity to make new discoveries: we can gain new information through curiosity. With new information comes the opportunity for partners to make new behavioural choices; they can change how they respond – making this a new relationship goal.

Couples benefits from learning that it’s not the person that’s the problem; it’s the problem that’s the problem. This is a very helpful concept in systemic counselling.

When you look at relationship behaviour through a systems lens, the aim is to stop treating either partner as “the issue” and instead look at the pattern you’ve both been pulled into. A couple can get stuck in loops (misunderstandings, habits, reactions) that feel personal, but the loop itself is the thing causing the trouble. When you perceive the issue as distinct from the two of you, you can unite and approach it collaboratively. That shift lowers defensiveness and makes room for practical change, because the goal becomes adjusting the pattern rather than blaming the person. It turns the relationship into a joint problem-solving team rather than a courtroom.

The couple counsellor helps the couple see that their differences can enrich their relationship, not that they need to be as similar as possible.

Tweaking the System can Halt an Argument

Counselling can help a couple identify when an argument – or other unsatisfactory behaviour in the relationship – is beginning.

Interrupting behaviour early is far more effective than trying to interrupt it later.

Changing the course of an argument is much, much easier when the argument is in its very early stages – and is a task that either partner can achieve on behalf of both.

How Systems Ideas Help LGBTQ+ Relationships

So you’re learning that a relationship can be viewed as a system; a system that you and your partner(s) have created over time and that responds to various needs and circumstances.

When a couple gets together, we hope that our relationship will grow happily and that the two of you will work together to solve problems as they arise. But sometimes the relationship – the system – develops faults or brings in flaws from other places (such as our past experiences) that can be difficult, sometimes impossible, to fix.

This is where a therapeutic systemic approach can be helpful to a marriage in trouble.

A systemic model of therapy is an effective way for us to learn about where the system (the marriage) is going wrong, what’s contributing to the faults and inability to apply solutions, and what’s giving the marriage the power to identify behavioural changes (changes to their system) that they might make together.

An Example of a “System”

Let’s compare two systems: your washing machine and your relationship (stay with me on this…)

Your Washing Machine.

You prepare the system with clothes and washing powder, then set it going. The machine will:-

add water,
agitate the clothes,
spin, rinse, add conitioner,
spin then stop.

Discussion:
The washing machine employs a system that usually works well. However, notice that each event is (helplessly) dependent on the previous one occurring first.

The system can't go in a different direction or think about what to do (such as deciding to wash the clothes longer because they are dirtier).

Your Relationship.

You prepare the system with a conflicting proposal ("we have to visit my mother today"). You respond with:-

"I said I had an appointment."
Him: "her needs are important!"
You: "this ALWAYS happens!"
Him: "you're not listening!!!"

Discussion:
The relationship employs a system that usually works well. However, notice that an argument is developing due to each response being (helplessly) dependent on the previous one.

The system isn't (yet) able to go in a different direction or think about what to do (such as considering a different response due to the escalating situation).

How is this helpful?

Each event is (or has become) dependent upon the previous event (are you noticing the similarities between these two seemingly helpless systems?)

Of course, your relationship is not a washing machine, and in Systemic Couple Counselling we can help you and your partner make changes to your “human systems”, aka your most intimate and important of all relationships.

The Secret Task: Changing an Argument’s Direction

Let’s talk about how to interrupt an argument.

Thinking about the system above, you might see how each step is dependent on the one preceding it. He says “mother”, and you respond (almost without thinking) with your (almost triggered?) response, which also happens to fan the flames further.

Escalating the Argument

Can you see this pattern in the first Clock Image too? The arrow is going from noon, to 1pm, to 2pm and so on. Relating the clock to the argument above, this might be akin to:-

Noon (“We have to visit my mother”)…
1pm (“I said I had an appointment”)…
2pm (“Her needs are important!”)…
3pm …

…and so on.

So, now consider the next Clock Image.

De-escalating the Argument

Notice how the direction of the arrow has changed.

Instead of the steps going from noon to 1pm to 2pm, the direction changes before we arrive to 2pm. 3pm isn’t going to happen! Put it another way…

Noon (“We have to visit my mother”)…
1pm (“I said I had an appointment”)…
2pm (” *PAUSE* …. OK, we have a problem, let’s discuss ways out of it”)…

This time, there’s a change in direction between 1pm and 2pm.

The 2pm reply (above) was: “her needs are important!” but now…

One of you realised what response he was about to give (and it doesn’t matter which one of you did this, or when on the clock it occurs).
He allowed himself a moment of pause to collect his thoughts. He took a break.
He then thought of a different response to the one he would usually give without thought.

Why this Works

Here’s the secret about how this is working:
…you cannot change someone else’s behaviour; you can only change your own†.

Persistently telling someone how wrong they are, or pointing out what they’re doing (that you don’t like), can be about, I would suggest, you trying to change the other person’s behaviour (to become something you would find acceptable). Your position in the argument is trying to win by defeating or destroying the other.

But that’s terribly hard work.

It’s much easier to change our own behaviour.

So, what kind of change are we looking for?

Well, the answer here is very little change, in fact (at least to start with). We’re looking for a small change that alters the course of an argument; it does not have to be large. A small change can have a large and escalating impact on a relationship system. You must initiate the change, and it must de-escalate the argument.

Of course, it’s not easy to make a change of direction in the heat of the moment! You must be aware of what is happening in that moment (aka an argument is escalating), and you must find the capacity within yourself to pause and refrain from releasing your “killer” response (which also contributes to killing the relationship).

Effective Responses

Consider making your response:

Calm.
Thoughtful.
Showing you see your partner’s side.
Showing you hear what your partner needs you to hear.

There will be plenty of time for you to give your point of view to your partner shortly.

Right now, you’re putting out a smouldering fire before it gets worse.

(† Although it’s true that we can only change our own behaviour, we can still put in a request (from time to time) to our partner for them to consider making a change or two, provided we understand that sometimes the request may be declined).

Relationship Counselling (using systems)

Now that you’re familiar with systems and a systematic approach to tackling one problem, you might find that relationship counselling with a systemic counsellor could be useful.

A systemic approach to counselling aims to assist the couple in developing their ability to recognise things going wrong, to put in place behaviours that quickly stop matters going wrong when they’re recognised, and to support both partners in using their inspiration to change the poor direction of their relationship.

Integrating Systemic Therapy with Psychodynamic Therapy (as does Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) from LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk) combines two powerful therapeutic approaches: improving your current relationship and improving issues from the past that one or both partners are bringing into the relationship.

Taking Things One Step at a Time

An overview of how LGBT relationship counselling works, starts with encouraging curiosity…

Curiosity (initiated through Counselling)… leading to → New Information.
New Information… leading towards → New Options.
New Options… leading towards → Negotiating / Making New Choices.
New Choices… leading towards → Transforming the Relationship (through informed empowerment).
Transformation Underway… the partners are developing affective behaviours that address relationship conflicts (and may choose to leave counselling).

Curiosity allows us to discover new knowledge. New information provides us (and our partners) with new possibilities, which leads to us making some new (or newer) relationship decisions. When new decisions are made, the behaviour of the partnership can begin to change. When the partners' relationship is much more under their own management (again), they will recognise it's time to leave counselling.

Learning to Mitigate the Relationship going Wrong

In counselling, we will turn our attention to inspired learning about what can be done to improve the marriage’s behaviour. We’ll rely on the marriage partners’ own ingenuity, inspiration, and ability to hypothesise (i.e. thinking about what might be going on or what might be hidden feelings that may be masked by behaviour).

We’ll talk about how to stop a situation before it turns into an argument or physical abuse.

We’ll help the couple set up measures and stop-gaps that help them to stop or alter their direction when things start to go wrong.

Ending Counselling

By the end of counselling, the relationship (the couple or group) will be able to manage their behaviour more effectively themselves, without the need to consult a counsellor any further.

A couple does not have to wait until all their problems have been erased by counselling in order to leave. After couples leave, relationship problems still come up, but the couple are now able to deal with them better than they did before. They no longer have to talk things over with a counsellor.

An advantage of this therapeutic approach is that the couple has learnt to manage new/unknown problems as they arise.

We haven’t simply taught them instructions: “When this happens, do that!”

We’ve helped them learn about their relationship system so that they have the ability to manage future relationship problems as effectively as existing ones.

Relationship System Archives - LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist

The Secret Task that Improves LGBTQ+ Relationships… FAST!