This article is intended for qualified/experienced couple counsellors who have either never worked with LGBTQ+ relationships before or who are seeking additional awareness of the distinct needs of their diverse couples, without this being a “how to…” guide.

Of course, we expect qualified couple counsellors to be, or become, confident in working with couple relationships. But multiple training courses available to British counsellors include comparatively little specific training in, or experience of, working with LGBTQ+ couple relationships.

Being a qualified couple counsellor (in the unfortunate position of having little comprehension of LGBTQ+ partnerships) does not necessarily mean that you need an entirely different therapy framework or theoretical model to work with LGBTQ+ partners. The fundamental tasks of couple counselling remain the same: to understand what is happening within the relationship, help the partners recognise patterns that have become problematic, and create the conditions in which they can make their own informed choices about what happens next.

But, in this counsellor’s opinion, what does need to improve is counsellors’ awareness of the assumptions they may unknowingly bring into the room.

When working with gay/lesbian/queer partners, their lifestyle and relationship choices (unfamiliar to heteronormative therapists) may disrupt our reflexivity processes, leading us towards becoming inflexible and opinionated. We can improve our service by at least bearing in mind that the couple in front of us likely formed their relationship independent of their (and our) parents’ beliefs, attitudes, and behaviours.

An LGBTQ+ couple should not have to educate their couples therapist about basic aspects of LGBTQ+ lives while simultaneously trying to deal with their relationship difficulties.

As counsellors none of us can be expected to know every possible configuration of gender, sexuality, identity or relationship structure. But remaining unaware of such permutations is unethical at best (Continued Professional Development…!) and perhaps prejudiced at worst.

So, having worked with LGBTQ+ couples for almost two decades, let me pass on to you some of my knowledge and experience that might help to give you, the interested couple counsellor, a head start on working therapeutically with LGBTQ+ couples.

Educating Ourselves

It is important that our unawareness of LGBTQ+ relationships does not disrupt the couple facing us.

No one is asking you to know everything about LGBTQ+ lifestyles, choices and decisions, but you are being asked not to treat LGBTQ+ relationships as mysterious or fundamentally different.

Applying genuine curiosity, cultural humility, appropriate professional knowledge and a willingness to recognise when your own assumptions have entered the counselling room are authentic qualities that all couple counsellors can apply.

When asking yourself, “As a couple counsellor, how do I counsel LGBTQ+ couples?” the following resources can be a helpful start:

• Pink Therapy.
  The UK’s largest independent therapy organisation specialising in Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversities.
  https://pinktherapy.org/
• The Gottman Institute (LGBTQ+ Couple Therapy Resources & Training).
  Known globally for evidence-based couple therapy, Gottman integrated research specifically focusing on same-sex couples through their Same-Sex Couples Study.
  https://www.gottman.com/
• Gendered Intelligence.
  A trans-led charity that offers specialised training, clinical supervision networks, and educational resources specifically for mental health professionals and relationship therapists.
  https://genderedintelligence.co.uk/
• COSRT (College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists).
  As a professional body for psychosexual and relationship therapists, COSRT frequently hosts CPD courses and self-access modules focused on “Queering Therapy Practice” and GSRD.
  https://www.cosrt.org.uk/
• Modern Sex Therapy Institutes (MSTI).
  MSTI provides specialised certifications and continuing education courses in LGBTQIA+ Affirmative Therapy and Clinical Sexology.
  https://modernsextherapyinstitutes.com/
• LGBT Couple Counselling (Blog)
  At risk of blowing my own horn, I regularly blog about LGBTQ+ couples and their needs from counselling.
  https://LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk/blog

What does LGBTQ+ stand for?

Let’s begin with a simple clarification of what LGBTQ+ stands for:

• L: Lesbian
• G: Gay
• B: Bisexual
• T: Transgender
• Q: Queer/Questioning
• +: All other welcome orientations and permutations

Although each individual may identify strongly with one label more than another, they also have the right to alter that label at any part of their lives. A colleague who had described himself as gay for years, he once shared with me: “I’m a gay man in a non-monogamous, intimate relationship with a FTM person – why wouldn’t I describe this as a ‘queer’ relationship?”

What about GSRD?

GSRD stands for Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity[3] – an alternative description to LGBTQ+.

The couple’s relationship is your client

This is more for counsellors trained in individual counselling.

In general, couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting together[4]. This is a core error that those inexperienced in practising couple or relationship counselling make.

With many theoretical models and approaches to couple counselling, it’s the couple’s relationship itself that is the counsellor’s client; the relationship becomes the focus of the work to be done.

This means that theoretical models, frameworks and intervention techniques that focus on the individual provide little assistance alone to the individual counsellor working with a couple’s relationship. How, for example, does one ask the relationship the open question:“how do you feel about this?” ?

Individual Theoretical Frameworks != Couple Counselling

As an example, by applying an integrated systemic/psychodynamic theoretical model to couple counselling, the systemic perspective asks what happens between the partners: who responds to whom, what happens next, and how the resulting pattern reinforces itself. The psychodynamic perspective can add consideration of less conscious emotional processes, previous experiences and anxieties that may be brought into the relationship. Circular questioning allows us to prepare interventions that may help the relationship express itself.

For the individual counsellor, it can be tempting to interpret a relationship difficulty as an individual problem:

One partner is anxious and the other is avoidant.

Whereas, a systemic perspective might instead ask:

“What happens between you both when one partner becomes anxious?”

Describing the relationship is the primary client, and using curiosity to generate new information about the couple’s “system”, invites the couple to discover what they may have been turning a blind eye to for years.

New information can create new possibilities, which can then allow the couple to make different choices. This basic principle applies regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, but the context surrounding the relationship may be different.

Do not assume that the couple is heterosexual (by default)

Heteronormativity – within the counsellor’s mind – can enter the counselling relationship in a remarkable number of seemingly ordinary ways. As counsellors working with diverse couple partnerships, our reflexivity must be highly active to watch out for our assumptions of what a “normal” couple relationship is supposed to be.

For example:

• assuming there is a “male role” and a “female role”;
• assuming one partner is naturally more dominant and the other more submissive;
• assuming one partner will take responsibility for domestic tasks because of their gender;
• assuming sex follows heterosexual conventions;
• assuming marriage, cohabitation or children are necessarily the couple’s goals;
• assuming monogamy without asking;
• assuming that non-monogamy is unethical;
• assuming both partners have the same understanding of fidelity;
• assuming both partners are equally open about their sexuality;
• assuming that someone’s gender identity tells you something about their role within the relationship;
• assuming that a bisexual partner’s relationship with a same-sex partner is fundamentally different from their previous or future relationships with people of another gender.

The couple counsellor can miss that they’re making such assumptions because they often originate in the cultural model of relationships that most of us have encountered throughout our lives.

The issue is not that heterosexual relationships provide no useful information about relationships. They obviously do. The issue is treating heterosexuality, binary gender roles or monogamy as the default template against which an LGBTQ+ relationship is measured.

There is no requirement for an LGBTQ+ relationship to reproduce a heterosexual relationship structure in order to be healthy. A couple may be married or unmarried, monogamous or consensually/ethically non-monogamous, child-free or parenting, and living together or separately. Their relationship may also change its structure over time.

As the counsellor, your task is not to decide which arrangement is “normal”; it is to understand what the partners have actually agreed to, whether those agreements are understood by everyone involved, and what happens when those agreements become difficult to maintain.

Learn to recognise when you do not know

One of the most important skills for a counsellor working outside their usual experience is being able to notice their own uncertainty.

You might hear:

“We’re open, but we have a don’t-ask-don’t-tell agreement.”

You might hear:

“I’m non-binary, but I don’t use that identity at work.”

Or:

“We’re married, but we don’t live together.”

Or:

“He’s my primary partner.”

Or:

“She transitioned during our relationship.”

Or:

“We’re polyamorous, but this particular relationship is monogamous.”

None of these statements should automatically be regarded by you as a clinical problem (subsequently informing your hypotheses and interventions).

They are information.

The inexperienced couple counsellor may immediately attempt to translate them into familiar categories. The more useful response is to become interested in what those terms mean for this particular couple.

You do not need to know precisely what a couple’s relationship structure means before you can work therapeutically with it.

You need to understand what it means to them. This distinction is fundamental.

Curiosity is useful; pretending to understand is not

There is a significant difference between inappropriate questioning and therapeutic curiosity. Inappropriate questioning can make clients feel that they have become an educational resource for the counsellor.

Curiosity, by contrast, is directed towards understanding the relationship.

For example, rather than:

“So how does polyamory work?”

you might ask:

“When you describe your relationship as polyamorous, what agreements have the two of you made that are particularly important to your relationship?”

Rather than:

“Which one of you is the man in the relationship?”[5]

There is simply no need to ask such questions because they highlight your ignorance rather than inviting the couple towards helpful curiosity.

Instead:

“How have the two of you divided responsibilities between yourselves?”

Rather than assuming that a transgender partner’s transition explains the relationship difficulties:

“What changed within the relationship during that period, and what stayed the same?”

Rather than assuming that a bisexual person’s attraction to other genders is relevant to a relationship conflict:

“What does attraction and fidelity mean within the agreement the two of you have made?”

Good questions seek information without imposing the counsellor’s interpretation.

You can say, “I don’t know”

A counsellor does not lose professional authority by acknowledging a gap in their knowledge.

Sometimes the most appropriate response is:

“I don’t have much experience with that particular relationship arrangement. Would you be willing to help me understand how it works for the two of you?”

That can be considerably safer than making an assumption.

There is, however, an important qualification: clients should not routinely have to provide their counsellor with basic LGBTQ+ education.

If you work regularly with LGBTQ+ clients, you have a professional responsibility to develop your knowledge through training, reading, supervision and continuing professional development.

There is a difference between asking a couple to explain their relationship and asking them to explain LGBTQ+ relationships. The first is appropriate. The second is usually your responsibility.

Do not turn every problem into an LGBTQ+ problem

The opposite error is just as important.

Once a counsellor becomes aware of minority stress, discrimination and LGBTQ+-specific experiences, there can be a temptation to interpret every difficulty through that lens.

That can be as reductive as ignoring LGBTQ+ context altogether.

A couple may have a communication problem because one partner withdraws whenever conflict begins. They may have an unresolved disagreement about money. They may struggle with different levels of sexual desire. They may have incompatible expectations about commitment. They may be affected by previous relationships. They may also experience homophobia, biphobia, transphobia, family rejection or concealment.

Sometimes these things are connected. Sometimes they are not.

Our task may be to help the couple find out.

Understand minority stress without pathologising LGBTQ+ identity

LGBTQ+ people can experience stress arising from discrimination, stigma, concealment, rejection and expectations of prejudice. These experiences can enter a relationship even when the relationship itself is supportive.

For example, a couple may have disagreements about:

• whether to hold hands in public;
• whether to disclose their relationship to particular family members;
• attending family events;
• workplace disclosure;
• introducing a partner to friends;
• safety when travelling;
• social acceptance;
• contact with a rejecting parent;
• whether children should be raised openly within an LGBTQ+ family;
• how one partner’s transition affects their public presentation as a couple.

These are not necessarily “communication problems” in isolation. There may be an external context that the couple is negotiating.

The counsellor therefore needs to be able to hold two ideas simultaneously:

The relationship may have a problem.

The couple may also be responding to pressures that exist outside the relationship.

Those are not mutually exclusive.

Ask about the couple’s social world

A systemic approach naturally encourages the counsellor to look beyond the couple’s immediate interaction.

For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important.

When appropriate, ask about the systems surrounding the relationship:

• family;
• friends;
• LGBTQ+ community;
• workplace;
• religion or faith;
• children and previous relationships;
• social media;
• cultural community;
• healthcare;
• legal or immigration circumstances where relevant.

But again, do not assume that every LGBTQ+ client has the same experience of these systems.

A gay man may have an accepting family. A lesbian couple may experience conflict with one partner’s family but not the other’s. A bisexual person may experience invalidation from both heterosexual and LGBTQ+ communities. A trans person may have strong social support. A queer person may not identify particularly strongly with LGBTQ+ community life at all.

The counsellor needs to discover the client’s actual experience rather than applying a standard narrative.

Be particularly considerate with bisexual and pansexual clients

One form of heteronormativity that can be missed is monosexism: the assumption that people are either heterosexual or homosexual.

For a bisexual or pansexual client, this can appear in questions such as:

“When did you realise you were gay?”

or assumptions such as:

“You are in a same-sex relationship, so you’re a gay couple.”

The partner’s current relationship does not necessarily define their sexual orientation.

Similarly, bisexuality should not automatically be interpreted as uncertainty, indecision, a transitional identity or evidence of greater likelihood of infidelity.

If sexuality is relevant to the couple’s difficulty, explore the couple’s actual experience rather than relying on stereotypes.

Gender identity – not relationship role

A person’s gender identity does not tell you how they behave within their relationship.

A transgender woman does not necessarily occupy a particular role. A non-binary partner does not necessarily have a particular sexual or relational role. A masculine-presenting lesbian does not necessarily want to be treated as the “male partner”. A feminine-presenting gay man does not necessarily occupy a particular relational position.

If you find yourself trying to work out who is “the husband” and who is “the wife”, stop and ask yourself why you need that information. Then, ask the couple about the actual division of responsibility, intimacy, decision-making and power within their relationship.

So let’s discuss more about gender and what you may be assuming.

Gender Pronouns

A person may use pronouns different from those assigned to them at birth^† or to how they present visually to you.

• She/Her/Hers: Commonly used by trans women, cisgender women, and some non-binary people.
• He/Him/His: Commonly used by trans men, cisgender men, and some non-binary people.
• They/Them/Theirs: Singular gender-neutral pronouns, widely used by non-binary, genderqueer, agender, and gender-fluid individuals.

Many individuals use multiple sets of pronouns. This indicates comfort with any listed set, sometimes depending on context or preference:

• She/They
• They/She
• He/They
• They/He
• Any Pronouns
• All Pronouns

† Note: we used to use the phrase “preferred pronouns”, but a trans person uses pronouns according to the gender they recognise, rather than the gender they “prefer”. See also Trans Language Glossary…

Gender does not equal sexual preferences

Sexuality and relationship counselling frequently overlap around intimacy, but counsellors can become surprisingly uncomfortable when the couple’s sexual practices do not correspond to heterosexual expectations.

Avoid assuming:

• who initiates sex;
• who penetrates;
• who receives;
• that both partners want the same sexual practices;
• that sexual roles are fixed;
• that sexual frequency is necessarily the problem;
• that sexual exclusivity is assumed;
• that a change in sexual behaviour means a change in sexual orientation.

A couple’s sexual relationship should be explored in the same professional, non-judgemental way as any other aspect of their relationship.

When appropriate, ask what particular behaviour means to the partners.

A disagreement about sex may actually concern rejection, reassurance, body image, shame, attraction, vulnerability, trust or fear of abandonment.

Don’t assume that non-monogamy is a problem

Some LGBTQ+ couples are consensually non-monogamous. The existence of more than two partners does not, by itself, establish that the relationship is dysfunctional.

The counsellor should instead establish:

• who is in the relationship;
• what agreements exist;
• what each person understands those agreements to mean;
• how agreements are negotiated;
• whether consent is ongoing;
• where boundaries lie;
• what happens when agreements change;
• whether everyone involved has sufficient information to make informed choices.

The same principle applies to throuples and other relationship groups.

The question is not:

“Why aren’t you monogamous?”

It is:

“How does your relationship work, and where is it currently becoming difficult?”

This is particularly compatible with systemic thinking because the counsellor is trying to understand the relationship system rather than forcing it into a predetermined structure.

Pay attention to power and consent

An affirmative approach does not mean accepting every relationship arrangement uncritically. Counsellors still need to assess safety, coercive or controlling behaviour, abuse and consent. This becomes particularly important when relationship structures are unfamiliar to the practitioner.

A counsellor should not confuse difference with dysfunction. But neither should they confuse an unfamiliar relationship structure with evidence that everything occurring within it is consensual or safe.

For example, there is an important difference between:

“We have agreed that either of us can have sexual partners outside the relationship.”

and:

“My partner says I am not allowed to object when they have sex with somebody else.”

The first describes an agreement. The second may require exploration of coercion, boundaries and power.

The same principle applies in monogamous relationships.

LGBTQ+ affirmative practice is not the absence of professional judgement. It is the absence of pathologising identity or relationship structures simply because they differ from the counsellor’s expectations.

Consider intersectionality

“LGBTQ+” is not a single experience.

Sexual orientation and gender identity intersect with:

• race and ethnicity;
• disability;
• age;
• socioeconomic circumstances;
• religion;
• culture;
• immigration status;
• family background;
• geography.

These intersections can affect both the relationship and the couple’s experience of seeking counselling[6].

For example, a couple may encounter different reactions to their relationship because of race as well as sexuality. A disabled LGBTQ+ couple may face accessibility problems within LGBTQ+ spaces. A person from a religious background may experience conflict between their relationship and their family or community.

The counsellor should therefore avoid replacing one stereotype with another:

“LGBTQ+ people have {these} experiences.”

A more useful question is:

“How do you image being LGBTQ+/gay/lesbian/etc/ affected your experience, if at all?”

Create an affirming practice before the couple engages

Affirmative practice is not simply something the counsellor says during a session. It begins before the first appointment.

Consider your:

• website;
• intake forms;
• consent documentation;
• booking system;
• pronoun fields;
• terminology;
• examples used in questionnaires;
• assumptions within assessment forms;
• waiting-room materials;
• referral information.

If your intake form asks:

“Name of husband/wife”

You have already communicated something about the relationship model you expect.

If it asks:

“Partner’s name and relationship to you”

You have created considerably more space.

The same applies to language. Do not assume “husband”, “wife”, “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” unless the client uses those terms.

Use the terminology the clients use for themselves and their relationship. If in doubt, ask.

Be prepared to repair mistakes

You will sometimes get something wrong.

You may use the wrong pronoun. You may misunderstand a relationship agreement. You may use a term the client does not use.

The important issue is what happens next.

A simple:

“I’m sorry. I used the wrong pronoun.”

is usually preferable to a long explanation.

Likewise:

“I think I made an assumption there. Let me go back and check that I have understood you correctly.”

Repairing a therapeutic rupture can itself demonstrate something important: the counsellor can make a mistake without becoming defensive, and the relationship can recover from it.

Notice what your own discomfort is telling you

Your internal reaction is information, not necessarily truth. A countertransference response may be giving you information that one or both partners are quietly holding to themselves (yes, we can have countertransference responses to a relationship).

If you feel confused by a relationship structure, ask yourself:

What exactly am I confused about?

If you feel that something is “unusual”, ask:

Unusual according to whom?

If you feel an urge to give advice, ask:

Am I responding to something genuinely unsafe, or am I uncomfortable because this relationship differs from relationships I know?

If you find yourself mentally assigning gender roles, ask:

What evidence have I actually been given for that assumption?

This kind of self-reflection is part of professional competence.

The aim is not to become completely free of assumptions. That is unrealistic.

The aim is to become sufficiently aware of them that they do not quietly become part of the therapy.

Do not confuse specialist knowledge with having all the answers

A counsellor who focuses on LGBTQ+ relationships does not need to know everything about every LGBTQ+ identity or relationship configuration.

In fact, claiming to have such expertise could be unrealistic without having attended additional training/CPD.

Specialist competence means having enough knowledge to recognise the relevant issues, avoid predictable assumptions, understand the impact of minority stress and discrimination, work affirmatively, recognise your own limits, and know when further training, supervision or referral is appropriate.

It also means possessing the appropriate relationship counselling competence.

Being LGBTQ+ friendly does not automatically make someone a competent couple counsellor.

Individual counselling and relationship counselling require different theoretical and practical skills[7]. The two areas of competence therefore need to meet:

LGBTQ+ affirmative practice + competent relationship counselling.

One without the other is incomplete.

Useful question for your first session

Rather than arriving with a checklist of LGBTQ+ issues that you need to investigate, begin with the relationship.

You might ask:

“Before we get into the particular problem that brought you here, can you tell me a little about how your relationship works and what is important for me to understand about the way the two of you relate to each other?”

That question leaves room for the couple to tell you what matters.

You may learn about their gender identities. You may learn about their sexual orientations. You may learn about a non-monogamous relationship structure. You may learn about family rejection.

You may learn none of these things, and that is fine too.

The point is that the couple gets to tell you what is relevant rather than the counsellor deciding in advance what an LGBTQ+ relationship must involve.

Your position may be: “Teach me about your relationship”

There is an important distinction between being curious about LGBTQ+ people and being curious about the particular people sitting in front of you.

The first can become intrusive.

The second is fundamental to good couple counselling.

Your professional knowledge should provide the framework.

The couple provides the particular information, and your role is to bring the two together.

This fits naturally with a systemic approach. The counsellor listens for patterns, differences, responses and connections while remaining open to being corrected by the couple’s actual experience.

The goal is therefore not to become an expert on every possible LGBTQ+ relationship.

It is to become a counsellor who can sit comfortably with a relationship that is unfamiliar, recognise when your own assumptions are getting in the way, ask respectful questions when you need more information, and then return your attention to the relationship itself.

And sometimes that curiosity is where the therapeutic work begins.

A final checklist for couple counsellors

Training/Qualification

• Am I actually trained/qualified to work therapeutically with couples?
• Do I understand the theoretical model I am using?
• Have I undertaken specific LGBTQ+ affirmative CPD?

Assumptions

• Am I assuming heterosexual gender roles?
• Am I assuming monogamy?
• Am I assuming marriage, children or cohabitation?
• Am I assuming that sexual orientation determines relationship roles?
• Am I assuming that bisexuality or trans identity explains the presenting problem?

Curiosity

• Have I asked the couple what their relationship means to them?
• Have I distinguished what I know from what I am assuming?
• Can I comfortably say “I don’t know” when appropriate?
• Am I asking about their relationship rather than making them explain LGBTQ+ people to me?

Context

• Have I considered minority stress and discrimination?
• Have I explored relevant family, social and cultural pressures?
• Have I considered intersectionality?
• Have I assessed safety, consent, coercion and power without pathologising difference?

Therapeutic practice

• Am I treating the relationship as the focus of the work?
• Am I avoiding taking sides?
• Am I helping the couple understand their interactional patterns?
• Am I allowing the couple to determine what they want their relationship to become?

The most important shift is perhaps a simple one. You do not need to walk into an LGBTQ+ couple counselling session knowing everything about LGBTQ+ relationships. You do need to walk into it knowing that your assumptions are not the same thing as the couple’s reality.

Good LGBTQ+ couple counselling does not require the counsellor to have an answer for every unfamiliar situation. It requires the counsellor to have sufficient knowledge, humility and relationship expertise to become curious about what they do not yet understand.

Glossary of Terms in Use by Trans People

Language preferences vary by person, but current trans-inclusive usage favours terms describing assigned sex at birth rather than born sex, emphasising self-determined gender identity[8].

Bibliography

8 Works Cited

1. 1. Citation: Stoller, N. E. (1998). Lesbian Involvement in the AIDS Epidemic: Changing Roles and Generational Differences. (in: "Lessons from the Damned: Queers, Critiques, and Contradictions", Routledge). Open source

2. 2. Accepting Uncle Murphy (Instagram). (2026). History of the "L" coming first in LGBTQ. Open source

3. 3. Pink Therapy et al. ((c) 2015). Gender, Sex, and Relationship Diversity (GSRD). Open source

4. 4. Richardson, D. A. (2026). How does Couple Counselling Actually Work?. Open source

5. 5. Bacon, D. (2017). How to be the man in a relationship (The Modern Man). Open source

6. 6. Santosha, S. (2026). Men & family counselling. Open source

7. 7. Gurman, A. S. A. B. M. H. (2014). Individual therapy for couple problems: Perspectives and pitfalls. (Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(4), 420–435). Open source

8. 8. GLAAD. (2022). Glossary of Terms: Transgender. Open source

The post Couple Counsellors: Working with LGBTQ+ Relationships appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Discovering that your partner has cheated can, overnight, make a relationship feel as though it has changed.

You may be angry. You may be devastated. You may feel betrayed, confused or simply unable to understand what happened. Sometimes there is also a question that feels impossible to answer:

Can we ever trust each other again?

For LGBTQ+ couples, the situation can be particularly complicated. Same-sex and LGBTQ+ relationships do not always have the same models, expectations or sources of support that heterosexual couples can draw upon. Many of us have had to work out what relationships mean for ourselves rather than simply following a familiar script.

Shocks such as “my boyfriend has cheated on me” or “my girlfriend has had an affair” are not the kinds of conversations we want to have with our friends.

Our experiences of dating and sex can also be different. Meeting people through gay or lesbian clubs, LGBTQ+ social spaces, apps, hook-ups and wider communities can create opportunities for sexual or romantic encounters that may not exist in quite the same way for heterosexual couples.

Cheating Discovered

None of this excuses cheating. But it can be important when trying to understand how something happened, what it meant to each partner, and whether the relationship can recover.

Cheating does not automatically mean that your relationship has to end. Nor does staying together mean that you have to simply forget what happened in the past.

Rebuilding trust is possible for many couples. It requires honesty, patience and a willingness from both partners to understand not only the betrayal itself but also the relationship around it.

What counts as cheating in an LGBTQ+ relationship?

There is no single definition of infidelity that applies to every LGBTQ+ couple, and that is because relationships can have very different agreements.

One couple may consider kissing someone else to be cheating[1]. Another may regard it as acceptable but consider sex outside the relationship to be a betrayal. A couple may have an open relationship in which sex with other people is permitted, but emotional relationships are not.

So, the first important question to ask is NOT:

“Did you have sex with someone else?”

It is:

“What did we agree our relationship meant, and was that agreement broken?”

Infidelity can include:

• Having sex with another person (when this was outside the relationship agreement).
• Kissing or other sexual contact that a partner would reasonably understand to be outside the agreed boundaries.
• Having a secret romantic or emotional relationship with someone else.
• Using dating or hook-up apps secretly.
• Sexting or exchanging sexual photographs without a partner’s knowledge or agreement.
• Developing an intimate online relationship that is deliberately concealed.
• Repeatedly flirting with someone while hiding the extent of the relationship.
• Paying for or using sexual services where this breaches the couple’s agreement.
• Lying about where you have been, who you have seen or what you have been doing.
• Breaking specific agreements about safer sex, sexual health or disclosure.

For couples in consensually non-monogamous or open relationships, recognising situations of “cheating” can be even more nuanced.

An open relationship agreement does not mean that anything goes (see: LGBTQ+ Open Relationship Counselling).

A couple might have agreed that sex with other people is acceptable but that certain people, places or activities are off-limits. They may have agreed to tell each other beforehand, afterwards, or not at all. They may have agreed that particular emotional boundaries should remain within the primary relationship.

Breaking those agreements can be experienced as infidelity even when sex outside the relationship itself was permitted.

The betrayal may therefore be about the broken agreement and the secrecy, rather than simply about the sexual act.

See also: Challenges in LGBTQ+ Relationships…

Why can cheating happen in LGBTQ+ relationships?

There is no single LGBTQ+ explanation for infidelity.

Cheating happens for many different reasons, and it is important not to turn someone’s sexuality or gender identity into an explanation for their behaviour. However, LGBTQ+ couples can face particular circumstances that are worth understanding.

Many LGBTQ+ people grow up without seeing their relationships reflected positively in family life, education, religion, television or wider society. We may reach adulthood having had to discover for ourselves how relationships work.

For some people, sexual experiences may begin through environments where casual sex and hook-ups are normal parts of the social scene. Gay clubs, lesbian and LGBTQ+ venues, dating apps, online communities and social networks can all provide opportunities to meet other people.

Again, opportunity is not the same as inevitability because being presented with an opportunity to cheat does not make someone cheat.

When a couple is trying to understand an affair, it can be useful to look at the circumstances in which the boundary was crossed rather than reducing the explanation to “they wanted someone else”.

Other factors can include:

• dissatisfaction or loneliness within the relationship;
• difficulties communicating about sex;
• different levels of sexual desire;
• uncertainty about whether the relationship is monogamous, open or something in between;
• a desire for validation or reassurance;
• difficulties with intimacy or vulnerability;
• unresolved relationship conflicts;
• fear of ending the relationship;
• seeking excitement or novelty;
• alcohol or drug use;
• difficulties establishing or respecting boundaries;
• personal experiences of rejection, shame or low self-worth;
• a relationship that has gradually become disconnected.

None of these factors removes responsibility from the person who cheated, and understanding is not the same as excusing.

It is simply much more useful to ask:

“Why did this happen?”

than to stop at:

“How could you do this to me?”

The difference between a mistake, a pattern and an affair

Not every experience of infidelity is the same.

For one couple, there may have been a single sexual encounter that was immediately regretted and disclosed. For another, there may have been months of deception involving a second emotional relationship.

The distinction matters; a single incident does not necessarily have the same impact as a prolonged affair involving repeated lies.

Similarly, repeated cheating may indicate a pattern that needs considerably more attention than an isolated breach of an otherwise secure relationship.

Counselling can help a couple explore questions such as:

• What happened?
• How long did it happen for?
• What was concealed?
• What agreements were broken?
• Was this the first time?
• What was happening in the relationship before it happened?
• What does each partner need to understand about it now?

These questions are not about putting the person who cheated on trial; they are about establishing enough understanding for the couple to decide what happens next.

The first stage: dealing with the shock

Relationship Shock

After discovering an affair or other form of infidelity, couples who are not immediately broken apart will often want to solve everything very quickly: make the bad event go away.

That is understandable.

But the person who has been betrayed may initially experience something closer to emotional shock. Their understanding of their relationship may have changed suddenly, and they may repeatedly go over events in their mind trying to make sense of them.

There can be intense anger, anxiety, sadness, jealousy and uncertainty. There may also be practical concerns about sexual health, particularly where agreements about safer sex have been broken.

During this early period, couples may benefit from slowing things down.

The immediate objective does not necessarily need to be deciding whether the relationship will survive. It may simply be:

Can we create enough safety to have a conversation without causing further damage?

Rebuilding trust starts with honesty

Kintsugi Pot – Rebuilding the Broken

Trust cannot normally be rebuilt while significant deception is continuing.

That does not mean that the betrayed partner necessarily needs every intimate detail of every sexual encounter. In fact, an exhaustive account can sometimes create additional distress without helping the relationship.

What matters is developing an honest understanding of what happened and establishing whether there is anything else that the betrayed partner needs to know in order to make informed decisions about the relationship.

The person who cheated may need to accept that their partner’s questions are part of the process. The betrayed partner may need to recognise that repeatedly searching for increasingly painful details does not necessarily produce reassurance.

It matters to take responsibility

One of the most important steps after infidelity is for the person who cheated to take responsibility for their behaviour.

That does not mean accepting responsibility for every problem that existed within the relationship.

There may have been serious difficulties before the infidelity. Perhaps sex had disappeared. Perhaps communication had broken down. Perhaps one partner felt neglected or rejected. Those issues can and should eventually be explored.

But they are not a justification for secretly breaking an agreement.

Both may be true.

Taking responsibility allows the couple to work on the second without pretending that the first did not exist.

The betrayed partner may need more than an apology

“I’m sorry” can be important.

It is rarely sufficient on its own.

Trust is rebuilt through repeated experiences of honesty and reliability.

That might involve:

• being open about contact with the other person;
• answering reasonable questions honestly;
• ending an affair or inappropriate contact where appropriate;
• respecting newly established boundaries;
• being consistent rather than defensive;
• allowing the betrayed partner time to process what happened;
• discussing sexual health and safer-sex arrangements;
• understanding what contributed to the decision to cheat;
• making meaningful changes rather than promising that it will never happen again.

The goal is not to create a relationship in which one partner becomes a permanent investigator.

It is to create circumstances in which neither partner needs to be one.

Couples counselling after cheating

LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a structured environment in which both partners can begin to talk about what has happened.

This is particularly valuable when conversations at home have become repetitive, hostile or impossible.

An LGBTQ+-affirming couples counsellor can help partners explore several areas.

See: How LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling Works…

1. Understanding the betrayal

The couple can establish what happened, what agreements were broken and what each person understands about the events.

2. Understanding the relationship

The counselling process can explore what was happening between the partners before the infidelity.

This does not mean blaming the betrayed partner. It means looking at the relationship as a whole.

3. Understanding individual motivations

The person who cheated may need to understand their own behaviour more deeply.

• Why did they cross the boundary?
• What were they looking for?
• What did they avoid talking about?
• What did they tell themselves at the time?

4. Re-establishing boundaries

Couples sometimes discover after infidelity that their relationship agreements were never as clear as they thought. Couple counselling can provide an opportunity to discuss what monogamy means to them, what an open relationship means, what sexual boundaries exist, and what needs to be disclosed.

5. Rebuilding communication

Many couples become trapped in a cycle where one partner repeatedly asks questions and the other becomes increasingly defensive. Understanding this pattern can be an important part of changing it.

6. Deciding whether to continue

Counselling does not have to be about preserving the relationship at all costs. Sometimes the work leads a couple towards rebuilding their relationship, sometimes it helps them recognise that separation is the better choice for them[3].

Either outcome can involve meaningful therapeutic work.

LGBTQ+ partners do not have to follow a heterosexual model

One of the difficulties LGBTQ+ couples can encounter is the assumption that there is one correct way to have a relationship.

There isn’t!

A healthy LGBTQ+ relationship might be monogamous. It might be consensually non-monogamous. It might involve a particular division of emotional, domestic or sexual roles. It may change over time.

What matters is that the relationship is based on genuine agreement rather than assumption.

Infidelity can sometimes expose agreements that were never actually discussed. One partner may have assumed that flirting was harmless. The other may have experienced it as a serious betrayal. One may have believed that an open relationship included emotional connections. The other may have believed that it applied only to sex.

These differences are not necessarily evidence that either partner is unreasonable.

They are evidence that the couple needs to talk about what their relationship actually means.

Shame can make everything tough

Infidelity can produce considerable shame.

The person who cheated may feel ashamed of what they have done. The betrayed partner may wonder whether they were somehow not attractive, interesting or sexually desirable enough.

For LGBTQ+ people, those feelings can sometimes become entangled with existing experiences of rejection or stigma.

A partner may ask:

“Was I not enough?”

But someone else’s decision to cheat does not provide a reliable measurement of their partner’s attractiveness, worth or value.

Equally, the person who cheated needs to be able to take responsibility without becoming so overwhelmed by shame that they cannot engage honestly with what they have done.

Shame tends to close conversations down. Responsibility can open them up.

Can trust ever be completely restored?

Perhaps the more useful question is:

Can a couple develop trust again?

Trust after infidelity may not feel exactly like the trust that existed before (see: rebuilding the broken after damage). The relationship has changed; the betrayed partner now knows that something they believed was secure was capable of being broken.

But that does not mean that the relationship can never become secure again.

For some couples, the process of rebuilding trust leads to a relationship that is more honest because subjects that were previously avoided can finally be discussed. They may become clearer about sex, boundaries, jealousy, emotional intimacy and what they actually want from their relationship.

Trust is not rebuilt through one conversation.

It is rebuilt through many small experiences of “You said you would do this, and then you did.”

Over time, consistency can become more reassuring than promises.

What if you are the person who cheated?

If you have cheated, it may be tempting to focus on whether your partner will forgive you.

There is another question that may be more important:

What do you need to understand about yourself so that you can make different choices in the future?

That may involve looking honestly at the circumstances surrounding the infidelity.

• Were you unhappy?
• Were you afraid to ask for something?
• Were you avoiding an important conversation?
• Did you want the relationship to end but not know how to say so?
• Did you want something sexually or emotionally that you had never discussed?
• Or was the behaviour part of a pattern that you had not previously confronted?
• Taking responsibility means being willing to examine those questions without turning them into excuses.

What if you are the person who was cheated on?

You do not have to decide immediately whether you can forgive your partner.

You also do not have to decide immediately whether the relationship is over.

• You are allowed to need time.
• You can ask questions.
• You can establish boundaries.
• You can seek support.
• And you can decide that rebuilding the relationship is something you want to attempt — or that it is not.

Couples counselling can help you make that decision without requiring you to know the answer before you begin.

When rebuilding the relationship may not be possible

Not every relationship can or should be repaired after infidelity.

Rebuilding trust becomes particularly difficult when there is continuing deception, repeated infidelity, coercion, intimidation or an unwillingness to take responsibility. Sometimes the relationship has reached a point where the healthiest decision is to separate.

Counselling can still be valuable in these circumstances.

A couple can work towards ending a relationship with greater understanding and less hostility, particularly where they share a home, finances, friendship groups or wider LGBTQ+ communities.

A relationship can change without being destroyed

Cheating can be one of the most painful experiences a couple faces.

It can also force questions that may have been avoided for years.

• What do we actually want from each other?
• What does commitment mean to us?
• What are our sexual boundaries?
• What does honesty look like?
• What have we been afraid to say?
• And, perhaps most importantly:

Do we both want to build something different from what we had before?

There is no universal answer to whether an LGBTQ+ relationship can recover after cheating.

• Some couples separate.
• Some remain together but fundamentally change their relationship agreements.
• Others rebuild a committed monogamous relationship.
• Others discover that consensual non-monogamy better reflects what they both want.

The important point is that recovery does not mean pretending that the betrayal never happened.

It means deciding, honestly and together, what happens next.

How LGBTQ+ couples counselling can help

As an LGBTQ+ relationship counsellor, I work with couples whose relationships do not necessarily fit conventional assumptions about what a partnership should look like.

My approach draws on systemic and psychodynamic thinking, which means looking both at the relationship between partners and at the less-conscious emotional patterns that can influence how we behave within relationships.

After infidelity, this can involve understanding the immediate crisis while also exploring the deeper patterns underneath it.

The aim is not to decide who is the “good” partner and who is the “bad” partner.

Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)

It is to create a space where both people can speak honestly, understand what has happened, and consider whether and how their relationship can move forward.

If cheating has left you questioning your relationship, LGBTQ+ couples counselling can provide a confidential space to explore what happened and what you want to do next.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) (that’s me! 👋) specialising in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships. I’m an accredited, postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor^† with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. My private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

† sounds technical, but it means I work with your relationship’s past events, untangling what happened to you, and helping you plan your future.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

Bibliography

3 Works Cited

1. 1. Power, C. (2019). How Cyber-Cheating can threaten your Relationship. Open source

2. 2. Zdrale, G. (2026). Counselling does not have to push you towards one answer (Find your Way). Open source

3. 3. Block, H. (2026). Can a Relationship Survive Cheating (Love in Conflict). Open source

The post How to Rebuild Trust After Cheating: Can an LGBTQ+ Relationship Recover? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Understanding Repeating Patterns in LGBTQ+ Relationships

“Why do we keep having the same argument?”

When you and your partner find yourselves returning to the exact same argument time and again, the same sharp exchange over chores, the same familiar silence after a night out, or the exact same shift in tone during a conversation about the future, I can tell you that you are far from alone in this experience.

Introducing Dean Richardson

Hi, I’m LGBTQ+ Couples Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg), and as a couple counsellor working with gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, and queer partners for almost three decades, I regularly meet couples who feel completely exhausted by these recurring loops.

Couples can arrive in counselling wondering why two people who love each other deeply can so easily become trapped in the same script, reciting lines they both know by heart, and yet feel powerless to change the patterns.

You’re not Broken

So, firstly, I want to reassure you that having the same argument over and over does not mean your relationship is broken. Nor does it mean you are incompatible.

In fact, repeating arguments are rarely about the superficial trigger, whether that’s a sink full of dishes, a delayed text, or a disagreement about social plans. Instead, these loops are dynamic patterns created between you. They are emotional feedback systems where both partners are usually trying to protect themselves or seek reassurance but doing so in ways that trigger the other person’s defences.

(That’s going to be on the examination at the end, by the way: triggering the other person’s defences! 😉)

In LGBTQ+/same-sex relationships, these behaviour patterns can carry unique layers of meaning. Minority stress, past experiences of rejection or hiding, hyper-vigilance, and internalised shame can quietly sit in the room with us, shaping how we interpret a partner’s tone or distance.

The Mechanics of an Argument Loop

Let’s talk about the mechanics of the argument loop. I’ll introduce you to two ways of thinking, each from a systemic and psychodynamic perspective (this stuff isn’t on the test 😁).

I’ll not talk all theoretical framework-ey, but stick with plain English.

If we’re going to help you break out of an argument loop, I have to help you understand how such loop patterns form in the first place.

A Psychodynamic Perspective

From a psychodynamic perspective, into our adult partnerships we (helplessly) bring in our earlier life experiences, attachment histories, and defensive mechanisms.

For example, if we grew up feeling that our emotional needs were a burden or that love was conditional, a minor sign of distraction from our partner might feel to us like abandonment (without us knowing why).

A Systemic Perspective

From a systemic perspective, relationship behaviour is usually a circular system rather than a linear one. It isn’t a case of “Partner A causes Partner B to react.” Instead, it’s more of a case of: “Partner A’s protective response activates Partner B’s vulnerability, which then prompts Partner B’s protective response, which in turn reinforces Partner A’s original fear (and so on).”

When both partners feel unsafe and act out of self-defence, their relationship system (make a note of that phrase!) gets stuck in a dance where nobody gets what they actually need. Relationship conflict cycles are a predictable “dance” that partners join in without thinking; they react to each other’s behaviour (words, mannerisms, etc,) in the same way every time.

I’m going to help you alter the dance!

Now you’re ready

With these two pieces of knowledge, we’re now ready to introduce you to three brief techniques for breaking out of an argument loop.

Three Approaches to Breaking Out of Repeating Arguments

Breaking an argument loop

This advice is going to sound strange, but breaking a repeating pattern doesn’t require “winning” the argument or getting your partner to admit that they were wrong.

Nope, instead it requires changing your position in the cycle. Do you see the clock images attached to this section? That’s a clue for you!

Here are three practical approaches rooted in systemic and psychodynamic couple counselling practice that you can begin exploring together.

1. Alter ONE Step in the Sequence

Stepping from the Cycle

Sticking within the Cycle

Because relationship systems operate like clockwork, changing even one minor response disrupts the entire mechanism.

If Partner A always pursues and Partner B always withdraws, the loop continues automatically.

But, if either partner recognises that they’re in the loop again and then consciously alters their next step, the old script can no longer play out as written.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: Identify your typical automatic response in the argument. If you usually raise your voice, try lowering your volume or taking a slow breath. If you usually walk away immediately, try staying present for two extra minutes while acknowledging your distress with your partner. If you usually defend yourself with logic, try acknowledging your partner’s emotional distress first before explaining your perspective.
• WHY IT CAN WORK: A pattern requires both participants to play their habitual roles (Step 1 leads to Step 2, which leads to Step 3, etc.). By changing your input into the relationship system, you force the system to adapt, creating a new opening for a genuinely new conversation to take place.

2. Externalise the Pattern (Name the “Third Entity”)

Externalise the behaviour pattern

In systemic therapy, we often view the argument itself as an external force operating between the partners, rather than assigning blame to either individual.

When a dispute arises, it is natural to view your partner as the adversary.

However, when you both step back and look at the cycle together, the adversary becomes the pattern itself.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: Give your recurring argument a neutral, descriptive name, such as “The Pursuit and Retreat” or “The Freeze.”  When you feel the familiar tension rising, practise calling it out together: “Do you see that we’ve made ‘The Freeze’ happen again, right now?”
• WHY IT CAN WORK: Naming the pattern shifts you from fighting each other to standing side-by-side to observe a process that is affecting both of you. It creates psychological distance and reduces defensiveness, allowing you to step out of the argument trap.

3. Identify the “Under-the-Iceberg” Emotional Drivers

Under the Iceberg

Psychodynamic thinking reminds us that the primary emotion we display during a fight (often anger, frustration, or cold detachment) is usually a secondary defence. Beneath the surface lie primary vulnerabilities: fear of inadequacy, fear of rejection, shame, or feeling invisible.

In queer relationships, these primary feelings may often be linked to historic experiences of not feeling safe or fully accepted.

• HOW TO TRY THIS: The next time you feel the urge to voice a familiar complaint or retreat into silence, take a brief pause and ask yourself: “What primary emotion am I actually feeling right now beneath my anger or defensiveness?” Is it sadness? A fear of being cast aside? A feeling of not being good enough? Share that feeling with your partner.
• WHY IT CAN WORK: Expressing a primary vulnerability (“I felt afraid that I don’t matter to you when that happened”) invites connection and comfort from a partner, whereas expressing a secondary defence (“You never listen to me!”) invites a defensive counter-attack back at you.

Moving Forward Together

Unpicking long-standing relationship patterns takes some curiosity, a little patience, and a willingness to look beyond the immediate source of friction.

Reaching a point where you recognise the loop while it’s happening, even if you can’t always stop it immediately, will be a significant step forward for you together.

The above three techniques aren’t magic, but they are “thinking outside of the box”. They won’t resolve your stuck cycles on their own; they need you both to invest a little and go with what they’re trying to achieve.

By shifting your focus from “who is right?” to “what is happening between us?”, you make room for deeper understanding, softer interactions, and a relationship that feels safer and more connected for both of you.

The post Why Do We Keep Having the Same Argument? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Every relationship has its difficulties. Couples may argue about money, sex, household responsibilities, family, communication or how much time they spend together.

Same-sex relationships can experience all of these ordinary relationship challenges too. Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer does not automatically create relationship problems.

However, there can be additional pressures surrounding the relationship that heterosexual couples may not encounter in quite the same way. Challenges same-sex partners face can include pressures that may influence how the partners communicate, experience intimacy, make decisions and understand what their relationship is supposed to look like.

Understanding those influences and pressures can be an important part of resolving difficulties in their most significant relationships.

External Pressures Can Become Relationship Pressures

No couple relationship exists in isolation. Family attitudes, social expectations, previous experiences of discrimination and concerns about being visibly LGBTQ+ can all become part of the relationship’s emotional landscape.

For some LGBTQ+ couples, this might involve:

• An unsupportive or rejecting family member;
• Different levels of acceptance from friends or relatives;
• Anxiety about being visibly affectionate in public;
• Previous experiences of homophobia or discrimination;
• Different expectations about marriage, children or family life;
• Pressure to conform to heteronormative expectations;
• Concerns about whether a partner will be accepted by family or social networks.

Sometimes these pressures are obvious. At other times, they become woven into everyday disagreements.

For example, one partner may interpret another’s reluctance to attend a family event as a lack of commitment. The other partner may actually be trying to protect themselves from rejection or conflict.

The disagreement is real, but it may not be the whole story.

This is one reason specialist LGBTQ+ couple counselling (oh hai! 👋) can be useful. Rather than assuming that an argument is simply about the immediate subject, counselling can explore what is happening around the relationship as well as between the partners.

When external messages become internal

Social stigma can also become internalised.

Internalised homophobia or other negative messages about LGBTQ+ relationships can sometimes affect how someone experiences themselves, their partner or their sexuality. This does not mean that a person consciously dislikes being LGBTQ+. Rather, years of receiving negative messages can leave emotional responses that are difficult to recognise.

These experiences can sometimes influence confidence, vulnerability, sexual intimacy or the ability to believe that a relationship can be secure and lasting.

Exploring these influences is not about blaming either partner. It is about understanding what may be contributing to the patterns between them.

Creating a Relationship Without a Roadmap

Reading the Relationship Roadmap

Many couples expect there to be a ready-made template for how their relationship should work. These expectations may come from media (TV, magazines, social, etc.) or assumptions about how their friends’ relationships are working just fine.

It’s a shock to discover our relationships aren’t working as expected – as if an unwritten roadmap wasn’t working as intended.

Traditional relationship expectations can provide an apparently straightforward sequence: dating, exclusivity, engagement, marriage, children and so on.

But as LGBTQ+ couples, we may find ourselves asking different questions.

None of these questions has a universally correct answer – no matter how very much we would like one.

So, difficulties can arise when partners have different answers to such questions but have never explicitly discussed them between themselves.

This is where creating a relationship roadmap can be particularly valuable.

A roadmap does not prescribe what a relationship should look like. Instead, it gives partners an opportunity to decide together what works for them.

For couples exploring an open relationship, for example, that might involve discussing boundaries, safer sex, communication, privacy, dating and what happens when agreements need to change.

For a monogamous couple, it might mean defining what each partner understands by emotional and sexual fidelity.

The important point is that the relationship’s rules and boundaries need to belong to the people within it!

Counselling can provide a space to explore those differences without imposing an external model of what a “normal” relationship should look like. This fits the non-normative approach of specialist therapy for queer couples, where the aim is to understand the particular relationship rather than measure it against a predetermined template.

When Partners are at Different Stages of a Sexuality Journey

Different by Congruent Relationship Stages

Another source of difficulty can occur when partners are moving through their sexuality-identity at different speeds.

One partner may be completely comfortable being open about their sexuality. The other may still be deciding who they want to tell, how they want to identify themselves or how comfortable they feel being visible.

These coming-out dynamics can create painful misunderstandings.

The more-out partner might experience their partner’s caution as embarrassment or rejection:

“Why don’t you want people to know we’re together?”

Meanwhile, the less-out partner may experience pressure, fear or a loss of control:

“I’m not ready for everyone to know.”

Neither response necessarily means that the relationship is failing, but they may simply represent two different experiences of safety, identity and readiness.

This can become particularly complicated when families, workplaces, friendship groups or social environments are involved.

Couples may need to negotiate questions such as:

• Who knows about the relationship?
• Who can be told?
• How are partners introduced to family?
• What happens in social situations where one partner is not out?
• How can one partner feel acknowledged without forcing the other to disclose?
• What does privacy mean, and when does privacy begin to feel like secrecy?

There is no universal timetable for these decisions.

The challenge is finding a way for both partners’ needs to be heard without either person’s experience being dismissed.

Communication and Intimacy Are Often Connected

Communication problems in same-sex relationships can look much like communication problems in any couple. Partners may become defensive, withdraw, criticise one another or repeatedly have the same unresolved argument.

But the underlying emotional meaning can be more specific.

A disagreement about sex might involve much more than sexual frequency. It might involve rejection, insecurity, changing attraction, body image, shame, anxiety or uncertainty about what a partner wants.

Similarly, what appears to be a gay relationship communication issue may actually involve a repeated emotional pattern.

Neither person necessarily intends to create this cycle, yet both can become caught in it.

An integrated systemic/psychodynamic approach to couple counselling (as integrated by Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) looks at these behaviour patterns rather than simply asking “which partner is the problem?”. This perspective can also consider whether previous experiences, anxieties or less conscious emotional responses are influencing what happens between partners.

Intimacy can change too

Lesbian couple intimacy problems, gay male relationship difficulties and intimacy concerns in other LGBTQ+ partnerships can involve emotional or sexual changes that deserve more than generic relationship advice.

Sexual intimacy can change because of:

• Stress or conflict
• Changes in attraction
• Anxiety or self-consciousness
• Previous experiences
• Relationship resentment
• Different sexual needs
• Difficulties discussing desire
• Changes in the wider relationship

The important question is not simply “How often are you having sex?”

It may be:

What has happened to the meaning of intimacy between you?

Counselling can create a space where partners can discuss subjects that have become difficult to approach privately, without either partner being told what their relationship “should” look like.

Moving Beyond the Idea of a “Normal” Relationship

Couple Counselling Outcomes

There is no single model for a successful same-sex relationship, especially when we’ve attempted to integrate the model we (unconsciously) observed in our parents’ behaviour and found (much to our surprise) that it just doesn’t work in our own partnership.

A healthy partnership might be monogamous, open, married, unmarried, child-free, parenting, long-distance or structured in ways that are entirely individual to the people involved.

What matters is whether the partners can develop a relationship that they understand, negotiate and genuinely consent to.

Sometimes couples become stuck because they are trying to solve the wrong problem. They may repeatedly argue about behaviour without understanding the pattern underneath it.

Specialist therapy for queer couples can offer a different opportunity: to slow things down, understand what is happening between you and consider what you both want to change.

The purpose is not for a counsellor to decide who is right. It is not to impose a conventional relationship model. And it is not to turn every LGBTQ+ relationship difficulty into an issue about sexuality.

Instead, counselling can help a couple become more curious about their own relationship, recognise recurring patterns and develop their own ways of responding differently. This reflects the systemic and psychodynamic approach used by LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk.

When a Specialist LGBT Couple Counsellor Could Help

Couple Counselling

You do not need to wait until your relationship is in crisis before seeking support.

Counselling may be worth considering when you are experiencing:

• Repeated arguments that never seem to resolve
• Communication that has broken down
• Differences about monogamy or opening the relationship
• Difficulties around coming out or visibility
• Family-related conflict
• Emotional or sexual intimacy problems
• Feelings of distance, resentment or insecurity
• The same relationship pattern repeating despite attempts to change it

You also do not necessarily need to arrive with a clearly defined problem.

Sometimes the starting point is simply:

“We know something isn’t working, but we don’t understand why.”

That can be enough to begin exploring what is happening.

A confidential space for your relationship

Same-sex relationship challenges are not necessarily caused by being in a same-sex relationship. But the social, cultural and personal experiences surrounding LGBTQ+ lives can sometimes become part of the relationship’s difficulties.

Recognising those influences can make it easier to understand what is happening between partners.

If you and your partner are struggling with communication, intimacy, identity differences, family pressures or another recurring relationship difficulty, LGBT couple counselling can provide a confidential space to explore it together.

LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk provides specialist, relationship-affirming counselling for LGBTQ+ couples, using an integrated systemic and psychodynamic approach. The work is tailored to the particular relationship rather than assuming that one model fits everyone. You do not need to have everything worked out before making contact; the first step can simply be talking about what is happening and deciding whether counselling feels appropriate.

Interested in a Counselling Appointment?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Challenges in Same-Sex Relationships: Beyond Common Couple Struggles appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Finding the right couple counsellor for an LGBTQ+/Queer couple means balancing specialised therapy skills with total neutrality.

Recognising potential warning signs early ensures you protect your emotional well-being and invest time into a genuinely productive therapeutic experience.

Warning Signs of a Red-Flag Counsellor

Counsellors trained to work with couples have advanced knowledge of how relationships work, what are problems with a partnership dynamic, how to work with a couple’s relationship, and how to keep two people safe in the room (three, if we include the counsellor).

Some red flags to be aware of include:

Qualifications/Training

• Lack of specialised couples training:
  In the UK, initial training in counselling typically focuses on individuals. Individual counselling is very different from relationship counselling (whether for couples, throuples or groups). A practitioner without explicit (post)graduate training or accreditation in couples work (e.g., systemic, psychodynamic, EFT, or Gottman methods) will be unprepared to work with a couple’s relationship, can accidentally allow conflict to escalate, and lack fundamental relationship theoretical frameworks that help them navigate through your relationship problems.
• Continued professional development (CPD):
  Qualified counsellors are required to continue their professional development by a mix of attending additional training or workshops or reading and watching additional educational material (a minimum of the equivalent of 30 hours per year) in appropriate subjects that assist and enhance their practice.

Session Management

• Taking sides or playing the judge:
  Most qualified relationship counsellors treat the relationship as the client, rather than the two individuals. Other rationales may treat the couple as distinct partners. If the counsellor repeatedly gangs up on one partner, assigns blame, or declares a “winner” in arguments, they compromise safety.
• Secret-keeping and poor boundary management:
  A strong practitioner sets clear rules regarding individual communication between sessions. If they hold major secrets shared by one partner without addressing how that impacts joint work, trust breaks down.
• Poor session management:
  Allowing sessions to turn into unstructured screaming matches without intervention, or doing most of the talking themselves, indicates weak control of the therapeutic space.

Personal vs. Professional Beliefs

• Pathologising or invalidating identity:
  For LGBTQ+, ethical non-monogamous, or kink-aligned couples, a major red flag would be a counsellor who attributes unrelated relationship issues entirely to your gender identity, sexuality, or relationship structure. I wouldn’t suggest they’d say to a gay man: “If you married a woman, you wouldn’t have these problems,” but perhaps they demonstrate their lack of knowledge through clumsy, unhelpful interventions.
• Imposing personal values:
  Counsellors should never impose their personal beliefs on how a couple should behave (example: separating or staying together), nor push their own moral frameworks onto your relationship choices (eample: “I wouldn’t sleep around like you do”).

Red Flags vs. Green Flags Direct Comparison

Here’s a summary of red flags vs green flags to be aware of in your couple counsellor.

Questions to Ask During an Initial Consultation

Before committing to therapy, use a consultation call to screen prospective practitioners. Key questions to ask include:

• What training do you have in couples counselling?

  Ensure they hold specific and/or recognised (post)graduate qualifications or certifications rather than relying solely on individual therapy credentials.

• In plain English, would you explain your theoretical framework for us?

  This not only informs you on how the couple counsellor will approach relationship counselling, but also, by asking for a plain English description, shows whether the counsellor has sufficient depth of knowledge to translate academic knowledge (required to pass their qualifications) into plain English.

• What is your approach to confidentiality and individual communications between sessions?

  An experienced relationship therapist will have a clear “no secrets” policy regarding private calls or emails, notwithstanding in some exceptional situations (such as domestic violence) communication with one partner may be initiated by one partner.

• How experienced are you with our specific dynamic or identity?

  Ask directly about their familiarity with LGBTQ+ dynamics, neurodivergence, or ethical non-monogamy if relevant to your relationship.

• How do you structure sessions if conflict escalates?

  Listen for a confident strategy aimed at maintaining physical and emotional safety in the room.

Professional Memberships?

Some recommend asking about a counsellor’s professional membership body/bodies, e.g., National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (NCPS), United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP), British Psychoanalytic Council (BPC), British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP), etc. In all honesty, whilst a professional body might provide you with somewhere to go if your complaints are not met by the counsellor, you’re much better off raising complaints directly with the counsellor in order to solicit change, rather than asking a professional body to tell them off long after the experience (notwithstanding, severe professional negligence may best be reported to a professional body or even the police where applicable).

How to Raise Concerns or Change Therapists

If you notice red flags during therapy, you are not obligated to stay. Here is how to handle the situation constructively:

• Address it directly in session: Bring up your observation gently (e.g., “I felt like the focus was uneven today”). A good couple counsellor will welcome feedback and adjust their approach as necessary.
• Evaluate their response: A green-flag practitioner responds with curiosity and openness. If they become defensive, dismissive, or blame you, it confirms the incompatibility.
• Make a clean exit: You can pause or terminate therapy at any point. A brief email stating that you have decided to seek a practitioner whose style aligns better with your needs is entirely sufficient.

Interested in Making an Appointment?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Red Flags to Look Out For When Choosing a Couple Counsellor appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Preparing for a First Session

Preparing for your first couple counselling session is mostly about getting into a collaborative, reflective mindset, rather than doing heavy “homework”.

What you’re not being asked to do is to build a case of all your partner’s faults and everything that (you believe) they are responsible for.

The first session is a mutual assessment: you’re assessing the couple counsellor’s suitability for your relationship and how he works with you. The counsellor is assessing the material you’re bringing and how you’re able to make use of the interventions he’s offering.

If the mutual assessment goes well (even a little bit), further sessions are arranged.

If the mutual assessment does not go well for you as a couple, or the counsellor believes that what he’s offering is not well used by the couple, a referral or recommendation can be made (if the couple finds this acceptable).

Taking a few purposeful steps together ahead of time can help you both feel grounded and ready to make the most of your time with your new couple counsellor.

Core Steps to Prepare

• Focus on your own contributions

  Instead of building a case against your partner, think about your reactions, triggers, and habits within the dynamic. Therapy works best when both people look inward.

• Identify what success looks like

  Ask yourself what you hope to achieve. Is it better communication, making a decision about the future, or rebuilding trust? You don’t need identical goals, but knowing your own priorities helps.

• Agree on mutual ground rules

  Decide together that the session is a safe space. Agree to listen without interrupting and to refrain from weaponising anything said during the therapy session should you have arguments afterwards.

• Handle practical details early

  Log in to the video conferencing session a few minutes early to sort out technical setup.

• Prepare to discuss the session afterwards

  Leave a little time after the session to discuss the pros and cons together. The pros will tell you if the counsellor & approach are good enough for your needs; the cons will tell you what you might need to bring to the counsellor should you return for subsequent sessions.

What to Expect in Session One

¹ An open question that allows you both to set the session’s agenda.

² Use of systemic circular questioning (read more about circularity here) that invites the couple to “compare notes” with their perceptions and recollections.

³ History. May lead to a discussion on “what has changed”? or “what do you think contributed to the changes?”.

⁴ Asking you to contribute to the session – not that what you have tried is no good, but perhaps what you tried might be tweaked or understood better to become more effective for your partnership.

Ready to make an appointment?

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

Attending a first session in counselling does not (or aught not!) commit you to further sessions if you feel the fit is not a good one.

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling was established in 2010 by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) and specialises in online video counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships.

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post Preparing for your First Couple Counselling Session appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Wondering how couple counselling actually works? If you have never experienced counselling for LGBTQ+ relationships, it will be difficult to know what actually happens when you sit down with your relationship counsellor on your computer monitor (i.e. video conferencing therapy).

• Does the counsellor tell you who is right and who is wrong?
• Do you just talk about your arguments?
• Will you be given exercises to complete at home?
• What happens if you and your partner disagree with each other during the session?
• And, perhaps most importantly, can couple counselling actually strengthen your distinct relationship?

These are reasonable questions that any couple would ask, and I, Counsellor Dean Richardson, will do my best to answer them here.

Couple counselling is not simply individual counselling with two people sitting in the same room. A relationship is the focus of the work itself.

The couple counsellor is there to help you both understand:

• What happens between you (using the analogy of a “system” for your relationship);
• To identify patterns that have become difficult to change;
• To help you develop different ways of responding to relationship problems.

For LGBTQ+ couples, this can be particularly important. Your relationship does not have to fit a heterosexual model of what a couple “should” look like. Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, queer, mixed-orientation, open and non-monogamous relationships can all have their own structures, expectations and difficulties.

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the approach is specifically designed around LGBTQ+ relationships rather than expecting queer partners to conform to a predetermined heteronormative model (as other counsellors, ignorant of LGBTQ+ lifestyles and challenges, tend to do).

What is Couple Counselling?

Couple counselling is a form of therapy in which the relationship is the focus of the counselling.

You and your partner bring the relationship difficulties you are experiencing, and the counsellor helps you examine what is happening between you.

Relationship problems you might bring could include:

• Repeated arguments that never seem to get resolved;
• Difficulties communicating;
• Feeling that your partner no longer understands you;
• Emotional distance or loss of intimacy;
• Problems with trust;
• Jealousy or insecurity;
• Disagreements about sex;
• Deciding whether to open a relationship;
• Difficulties following a change in your relationship;
• Resentment about responsibilities or behaviour;
• The effects of previous experiences on the relationship;
• Considering separation or whether the relationship can continue.

Occasionally a couple knows that something is wrong but cannot quite explain what it is. Occasionally the couple believe they know what the problem is but cannot resolve it.

The couple counsellor assists the couple in understanding their problems from a deeper perspective – in ways they were not able to observe themselves before. The goal is not necessarily to arrive at an immediate explanation. The process can involve discovering what is happening within the relationship and why particular patterns keep repeating before the couple become autonomously inspired to begin to address their problems in a new, more effective way.

This is why couple counselling can be useful even when you have already talked about the problem many times. You may have talked about it repeatedly without actually changing the pattern.

How does Couple Counselling Work?

There are different approaches to couple counselling, and different counsellors work in different ways.

The approach used by Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) integrates systemic and psychodynamic theoretical models of therapy. Don’t worry, though; he’ll speak in plain English, and you don’t have to understand what these models mean for them to be helpful.

Theoretical Models Simplified

A systemic approach looks at your relationship as a system: what one partner does, how the other responds, and how those responses then influence what happens next.

For example:

One partner becomes anxious… →

They seek reassurance… →

The other partner feels pressured and withdraws… →

The first partner becomes more anxious and seeks even more reassurance… →

The second partner feels invaded and becomes angry…

In this example both partners have become caught in the pattern without either deliberately choosing it.

The question therefore becomes less about “Which one of us is causing the problem?” and more about “What is happening between us, and how are we both becoming caught in it?”

This is the key to the systemic part of couples counselling.

A psychodynamic element can also help explore less obvious influences on the relationship. Previous experiences, anxieties, expectations and emotional responses can sometimes affect how partners interpret and respond to each other in the present.

The purpose is not to diagnose either partner or decide who is psychologically at fault. Instead, counselling can provide new information about the relationship. And when you understand more about what is happening, you have more possibilities for deciding what to do differently.

This is the key to the psychodynamic part of couples counselling.

What’s the first Couple Counselling Session like?

The first session is not an examination that you have to pass. You do not need to prepare a perfect explanation of everything that has gone wrong in your relationship.

Counselling sessions are just conversations (no bringing your homework for marking, nor wafting scarves, nor painting your feelings, etc.).

So, the first session is a conversation; an opportunity to begin understanding the relationship and the reasons you have sought counselling. You’re also evaluating the counsellor: is the counsellor suitable for your needs, and does working with him feel right?

At the beginning, you are likely to talk about:

• What has brought you to counselling;
• The difficulties you are currently experiencing;
• How the relationship works;
• What happens when difficulties arise;
• Things you have already tried;
• What, if anything, have those attempts changed;
• What you would like counselling to help you understand or achieve.

The counsellor will also observe the relationship itself. That means paying attention not simply to what each person says, but to the interactions between you in realtime.

• How does one partner respond when the other speaks?
• What happens when there is disagreement?
• Who pursues a discussion and who withdraws?
• How does an argument begin?
• What happens immediately afterwards?
• Are there subjects that repeatedly produce the same reaction?

These observations can become important information about the relationship.

The first session also gives you an opportunity to decide whether counselling feels appropriate and whether you want to continue. We’ll make sure you understand the terms of the work (what you’re paying, when sessions are scheduled, how to bring counselling to a close, etc. matters that you will have received in a PDF beforehand).

At LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling, the first session includes a review of what has been discussed and consideration of whether continuing together seems like a useful way forward.

What Happens During a Couple Counselling Session?

There is no single script that every couple counselling session follows.

That is important because your relationship is not the same as somebody else’s.

A session might begin by looking at something that happened during the previous week. You may want to discuss an argument, something that has improved, something that has become worse, or a problem that you have been unable to resolve. The choice is up to the couple (and it’s not a test – you’re free to begin anywhere you feel is important).

The counsellor may then help you slow the conversation down.

Instead of simply discussing what happened, you might begin to examine how it happened.

For example:

• What did you say?
• How did your partner interpret it?
• What did they do next?
• How did you respond to that?
• What were you expecting your partner to do?
• What actually happened?
• (asked of both partners simultaneously) What do you imaging your partner wanted to happen?

This can reveal patterns that are difficult to see when you are inside an argument.

The counsellor may ask questions, make observations, reframe something that has been said, identify a recurring interaction or invite you to consider an alternative explanation.

The process is collaborative rather than prescriptive.

You are not simply describing your relationship problems while the counsellor announces the solution.

Instead, the counselling relationship develops into a place where you can examine what is happening and consider different possibilities.

What Does Couple Counselling Feel Like?

This is perhaps harder to explain than what actually happens during a session.

Couple counselling can feel uncomfortable at times.

You may be talking about things that you normally avoid discussing with your partner. You may hear your partner describe an experience of the relationship that is very different from your own. You may discover that something you regarded as insignificant has been important to them.

Difficult Conversations

That does not necessarily mean that counselling is going badly.

In fact, difficult conversations are often part of the reason for coming to counselling in the first place.

There should, however, be a sense that the conversation is being contained and facilitated rather than simply becoming another argument. The counsellor’s role is not to take sides, but to facilitate you both in finding ways to communicate better.

A relationship counsellor working systemically is concerned with the relationship and the patterns within it, rather than deciding which partner is “the problem”. We describe this as maintaining a neutral position while helping partners understand their relationship dynamics.

As counselling progresses, sessions can also become less about explaining what is wrong and more about understanding what you can do with that new understanding.

How can Counselling Sessions help Tackle Relationship Problems?

One of the most useful things you can do with counselling is use the session to investigate the problem rather than simply complain about it.

Suppose you have the same argument every week. It might be tempting to use the counselling session to establish who was right and who was wrong during their latest argument.

A more useful question might be:

Why do we keep having this particular argument?

The counsellor can help you identify the sequence of events and the relationship pattern surrounding it.

Once the couple recognises a pattern, they may be able to interrupt it; if they cannot, the couple counsellor will assist them in looking into this newer problem too.

This is one of the reasons counselling is not necessarily about giving couples a list of relationship rules. Instead, you can learn more about your own relationship and develop ways of responding that are appropriate to you.

Counselling can be used to test new approaches

The work does not necessarily finish when the video session ends.

You may agree to try something differently during the following week. Perhaps you decide to approach a particular conversation differently. Perhaps you notice a particular trigger. Perhaps you try to respond to your partner without automatically falling into the familiar pattern. Then you can bring the experience back into the next session.

• What happened?
• Did it help?
• Did it make things worse?
• Did you discover something unexpected?
• What should you change?

This creates a process of trying, observing, understanding and adjusting.

Dean describes this as developing a bespoke process with you rather than simply applying therapy from a manual at you.

Couples can consider alternatives to what is not working, test them between sessions and then discuss what happened when they return.

Does Couple Counselling tell you how to Fix your Relationship?

Absolutely nope.

A counsellor does not simply tell you:

“This is what you need to do.”

Relationships are too individual for a universal set of instructions to work for every couple.

Instead, effective couple counselling can help you develop a better understanding of your particular relationship.

That may lead to changes in communication, behaviour, boundaries, expectations or intimacy.

Discovering ways to change not considered before

It may also lead to a more difficult realisation: that the relationship needs to change in ways that one or both partners had previously been avoiding. Counselling therefore does not have to mean saving the relationship at any cost.

Sometimes the useful outcome is discovering that the relationship can develop in a healthier direction. Sometimes it is the couple deciding that their relationship should end.

Counselling can also help couples who are considering separation to understand what has happened and make decisions about the future.

LGBT Couple Counselling specifically offers support around breakups and separation as well as relationship difficulties.

Are Relationship Improvements Guaranteed?

No.

No ethical counsellor can guarantee that couple counselling will save or improve a relationship.

Counselling provides a process, professional expertise and a different way of examining the relationship. It cannot make two people want the same outcome.

There are several reasons why couple counselling may not produce the improvement you hoped for.

• You and your partner may want fundamentally different things.
• One partner may be unwilling to participate meaningfully.
• The relationship may have reached a point where separation is the appropriate outcome.
• You are disinterested in repairing the relationship (instead, maintaining a position of blaming your partner).
• You may discover that the changes required are greater than either partner is prepared to make.
• Or the counselling approach may simply not be a good fit for you.

This is why it is important to ask a potential counsellor about their specific training and experience in couple counselling, rather than assuming that experience in individual counselling automatically means experience in working therapeutically with relationships.

The aim should not be to promise an outcome.

The aim is to create the best conditions for you to understand your relationship and make informed decisions about what happens next.

How Long Does Couple Counselling Take?

There is no fixed number of sessions that every couple needs.

Dean has worked with different couples for fewer than 6 sessions and for longer than 5 years. There is no good average number because every relationship is distinct.

Some couples come with a specific problem and want short-term counselling focused on that particular issue. Other couples have relationship difficulties that have developed over many years and need longer-term work.

The important question is not simply:

“How many sessions will we need?”

It is:

“Are the sessions helping us understand and manage our relationship differently?”

Counselling can be short-term, focused around a particular goal, or continue for longer as the relationship’s needs develop.

The work eventually ends when the partners are sufficiently confident in managing their relationship themselves.

Why Choose Specialist LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling?

A relationship counsellor needs to understand relationships, but LGBTQ+ couples can also benefit from working with someone who understands the particular context in which LGBTQ+ relationships exist.

There should be no assumption that your relationship follows heterosexual relationship conventions.

You may be:

• A gay male couple;
• A lesbian couple;
• A bisexual relationship;
• A mixed-orientation couple;
• Transgender partners;
• An open or non-monogamous couple;
• A throuple or other consensually non-monogamous relationship.

Distinct LGBTQ+ Partnerships

The purpose of an LGBTQ+-affirming approach is not to treat every LGBTQ+ relationship as having the same problems.

It is the opposite.

Your relationship is allowed to be understood on its own terms.

The therapeutic approach is specifically focused on LGBTQ+ relationships and is described as “non-judgemental” and “non-pathologising” – meaning we don’t label and we don’t point fingers.

What should you Expect from Couple Counselling?

Ultimately, couple counselling is a process of understanding your relationship differently.

You bring the problems. You bring your experiences, observations and ideas.

The counsellor brings specialist knowledge of relationship dynamics and a structured therapeutic process.

We work together

Together, you investigate what is happening.

You may discover patterns that neither of you had previously recognised. You may understand why apparently small issues repeatedly become major arguments. You may find new ways to communicate, negotiate difficulties or respond to each other.

And you may discover that some things cannot be changed.

That information is valuable too.

The purpose of couple counselling is not to provide a guarantee about your relationship’s future. It is to help you become better informed about the relationship you actually have so that you and your partner can make better decisions about what you want to do with it.

Couple Counselling is NOT about finding the Guilty Partner

If you are considering relationship counselling because you keep having the same argument, you may already have a strong opinion about who is responsible.

The more useful starting point can be to ask:

“What happens between us that keeps producing this result?”

That shift, from blaming an individual to understanding the relationship, can open up possibilities that are difficult to see when you are both trying to prove your own position.

And that is fundamentally how couple counselling works.

About this Bespoke Counselling Service

Dean Richardson [dar_professionaltitle]

Dean is a postgraduate-qualified systemic and psychodynamic couple counsellor with more than 27 years’ counselling experience. His private counselling service provides specialist relationship counselling online through secure video, allowing couples to work with a counsellor without, say, having to travel to a counselling office each week.

A first session does not commit you to continuing. It gives you an opportunity to find out whether counselling is right for you. You will not be made to attend more sessions than is right for you.

Find out more about LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling for Couples…

The post How Does Couple Counselling Actually Work? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Your partner introduces the idea of an open relationship

The Open Relationship Dilemma

Your (LGBTQ+) partner has told you that they want an open relationship.

You do not.

What happens now…?

You may be in a panic; you may wonder whether you are being unreasonable. You might worry that saying no makes you controlling, whether your partner still loves you or whether the relationship is now at risk of a breakup .

For LGBTQ+ couples, there can be additional questions about an open relationship. One partner may be bisexual. Someone may have come out later in life, be questioning their sexuality, or be transitioning. The issue may have arisen alongside sexual difficulties, attraction to someone else, a growing sense that the relationship no longer meets one partner’s needs, or simply that the partners wish to keep their relationship interesting and alive.

There is no universal answer to what you should do, but let’s take a journey through a process* that can be helpful to you in this struggle:

* (less heteronormative than others, I’m sure)

I’d suggest there is a simple starting point:

You do not have to agree to an open relationship, just because the idea of one has been suggested to you.

So with that in mind, let’s get started…

You do not have to agree to an open relationship.

Worry, panic.

Being LGBTQ+ does not mean that you are expected to be non-monogamous.

• Your partner is entitled to want an ethically non-monogamous relationship.
• You are entitled to want a monogamous one.

The important question is whether the two of you can understand what each person wants and whether there is a relationship that both of you can genuinely choose.

LGBTQ+ couples have monogamous, open and polyamorous relationships. Sexual identity does not dictate what the relationship structure should be. Plus, you do not have to become comfortable with non-monogamy just because your partner is comfortable with it (or seems to be). You do not have to prove that you are sufficiently open-minded, trusting or sexually adventurous to match your partner’s proposal. At the same time, your partner does not have to want the kind of relationship that you want.

So we have some conflicting positions here!

That can be difficult to accept, because it means there may not be a simple compromise. But it is important not to confuse a couple finding a conflict with disaster. Disagreement is not the same as there being a fault in the relationship.

The central issue here is consent.

You’ll likely agree that there is a significant difference between:

“I am willing to explore this because I genuinely want to.”

and:

“I will agree because I am frightened that my partner will leave if I say no.”

Both may look like agreement from the outside. They are not the same experience.

First, understand what is actually happening.

What’s Actually Happening?

“I want an open relationship” can describe several very different situations. Before deciding what to do, work out which one you are actually dealing with.

Your partner is genuinely exploring the idea.

Your partner may be saying:

I have realised that I might want a non-monogamous relationship. Can we talk about it?

This is a proposal to change the relationship. It may be difficult, but nothing necessarily has gone wrong.

You can ask what your partner actually means. They may be thinking about occasional sex, dating, ongoing sexual partners, romantic relationships, threesomes, or something closer to polyamory. They may not know themselves.

It is difficult to negotiate an arrangement when neither person has established what is being proposed.

You are being pressured to agree.

The situation is different if the message becomes:

“If you really loved me, you would agree.”

or:

“If you trusted me, you wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

You may even be told that refusing makes you jealous, insecure, controlling or insufficiently accepting of LGBTQ+ relationships.

Your partner is allowed to want (ethical) non-monogamy. That does not give them the right to redefine your consent.

You can trust your partner and still want sexual exclusivity. You can love your partner and still know that an open relationship is not for you.

Something has already happened.

This needs to be treated separately.

Perhaps your partner has already been using Grindr, HER or another dating app. Perhaps they have been messaging someone, meeting someone or having sex with someone else.

If you previously understood your relationship to be monogamous, a later proposal to “open” the relationship does not automatically make what has already happened consensual.

There are then two separate questions:

1. What has already happened?
2. What do we want the relationship to be now?

If an agreement is being proposed after a boundary has already been crossed, trust and honesty may need to be addressed before you can have a meaningful discussion about non-monogamy.

So what is your partner actually asking for?

Before arguing about whether the relationship should be open, ask:

What is it that you actually want?

And ask a second question:

Why do you want it?

The answers matter.

Your partner may genuinely prefer non-monogamy. They may want sexual freedom. They may have become attracted to someone else. They may feel sexually frustrated. They may be exploring a change in their identity. Or they may be unhappy in the relationship and see an open relationship as a way to avoid a breakup. We have to understand something of this to help you both make a decision together. These are different problems, even if they initially produce the same sentence: “I want an open relationship.”

Can both partners genuinely choose this relationship?

Choosing a New(er) Relationship

Once you understand what is being proposed, the central question becomes whether both of you can genuinely choose it.

This is about more than negotiating rules.

Sexuality does not determine relationship structure.

A bisexual person does not need relationships with more than one gender for their bisexuality to be real. Being bisexual does not make monogamy inappropriate. Equally, a bisexual person may genuinely prefer a non-monogamous relationship.

The important distinction is between sexual identity and relationship structure. You’d agree that they are not the same thing.

The same principle applies if a partner has come out later in life, is questioning their sexuality, or is transitioning. Changes in identity can lead someone to rethink attraction, sex, relationships and the life they want. Those changes deserve to be taken seriously, but they do not automatically determine whether the relationship should become open.

The main questions remaining include:

• What has changed?
• What does each of you want now?
• What does each of you need?
• What can each of you genuinely consent to?

Is an open relationship actually solving the problem?

Sometimes the proposal appears after difficulties with sex or intimacy.

Perhaps you are having very little sex. Perhaps your libidos are different. Perhaps one partner feels rejected, lonely or sexually frustrated.

Opening the relationship may be something you both genuinely want. But it should not automatically be treated as the solution to an existing problem.

A useful question is:

If our relationship were already sexually satisfying and we were getting on well, would you still want an open relationship?

The answer may help you understand whether non-monogamy is the issue or whether it is being proposed as a response to something else.

What about trust, jealousy and boundaries?

Trust does not mean wanting the same relationship structure.

You can trust your partner completely and still not want them to have sex with other people.

Jealousy does not automatically mean that you are insecure or unreasonable. It may reflect fear of losing your partner, concern about being replaced, previous damage to trust, or simply a strong preference for sexual and romantic exclusivity.

Rather than asking whether you should feel jealous, ask what the jealousy is telling you about what you need and value.

There is also an important distinction between a boundary and an attempt to control someone else’s behaviour.

“You are not allowed to have sex with anyone else” attempts to control another person’s action.

“I do not want to participate in a relationship where my partner has sex with other people” describes the relationship you are personally willing to be part of.

Your partner cannot decide what you want for you. You cannot decide what your partner wants for them.

That is why genuine consent matters so much.

What if you say yes but do not really mean it?

This is one of the most important questions to ask yourself.

If you would reject an open relationship if you knew your partner would stay with you whatever you decided, then your agreement may be driven by fear rather than genuine willingness.

Ask yourself:

• Would I choose this if I knew my relationship was not at risk?
• Am I curious about non-monogamy or frightened of losing my partner?
• Would I still choose it if there were no other person involved?
• Am I agreeing because I want to or because I feel I have no alternative?

You do not have to decide that an open relationship is acceptable simply because your partner wants one.

Rules are not the same as security.

If both of you genuinely want to explore non-monogamy, there may eventually be practical issues to discuss: sex with others, dating, repeat partners, romantic relationships, safer sex, disclosure, time, sleepovers and what happens if one person becomes uncomfortable.

But a detailed set of rules cannot compensate for an absence of genuine consent.

Before deciding what the rules should be, ask:

What does each of us need in order to feel able to participate in this relationship?

What if you want different relationships?

Wanting Different Relationships

This may ultimately be the hardest part. You may genuinely want monogamy. Your partner may genuinely want non-monogamy.

Neither person necessarily has to be wrong because you may both be describing genuine and incompatible needs.

There may be a compromise.

Some couples find an arrangement that works for both of them. Occasionally a proposal that initially feels impossible turns out to be different from what the other partner feared. Sometimes one partner changes their mind. Sometimes both discover that the original disagreement was actually about something else.

But compromise does not necessarily mean that one partner reluctantly accepts something they fundamentally do not want.

There may be incompatibility.

There is no guaranteed compromise between monogamy and non-monogamy. If one person genuinely needs a monogamous relationship and the other genuinely needs a non-monogamous one, continuing to negotiate indefinitely may not resolve the underlying difference.

That does not mean that either person has failed.

Sometimes the painful discovery is that two people who love each other want fundamentally different kinds of relationships.

The question then becomes not “Who is right?” but:

“Can we both genuinely choose the relationship that is available to us?”

If the answer is no, that is important information.

“What should we do next?”

Pros and Cons of an Open Relationship

You do not have to make a permanent decision while you are frightened, angry or overwhelmed by being introduced to the idea of opening your relationship.

Some partners put new ways of relating on a trial-review basis. You agree on how you’ll try something; you put it in the diary when you’re going to talk about it (regularly!) and you review and change the trial as it progresses.

If your partner has only just raised the subject, you can say:

“I do not know whether I can agree to this. I need to understand what you are asking for and how I feel about it before making a decision.”

That gives you space to establish what is actually happening and whether the two of you are talking about exploration, pressure or something that has already happened.

A practical decision framework

Before agreeing to anything, consider working through these questions together as a couple:

1. What exactly is being proposed?
   Do not rely on the term “open relationship”. Establish what your partner means, specifically.
2. Why does my partner want it?
   Is this about non-monogamy itself, sex, another person, identity, dissatisfaction or something else?
3. Why do I not want it?
   Is monogamy important to me? Am I frightened? Has trust been damaged? Or do I simply know that non-monogamy is not for me?
4. Has anything already happened?
   If so, address that honestly before treating the relationship as though it were already open.
5. Am I being asked to consent or being pressured to surrender?
   There is a difference between discussing a possibility and being told that you must accept it.
6. Are we trying to solve another problem?
   If sex, intimacy, resentment or trust were already difficult, opening the relationship may not resolve the underlying issue.
7. Could I genuinely choose this relationship?
   Not merely tolerate it to prevent a breakup, but actually choose it.
8. Could my partner genuinely choose the relationship I want?
   If not, you may be facing a question of compatibility rather than negotiation.

When might counselling help?

LGBTQ+ couple counselling may be particularly useful when you cannot have this conversation without reaching the same argument.

It can be helpful when:

• One partner wants an open relationship, and the other does not;
• One partner feels pressured to agree;
• Something has already happened outside the relationship agreement;
• There is a third person involved;
• Sex or intimacy was already difficult;
• Jealousy or fear has become overwhelming;
• One partner has come out or is questioning their sexuality;
• You are unsure whether the issue is really about non-monogamy
• … or you suspect that you may simply want different kinds of relationships.
• You both reach the decision to open the relationship, and now you’d like to plan a mutually agreeable contract (a set of guidelines and rules).

The purpose of open-relationship counselling is not to persuade one partner to become monogamous or the other to become non-monogamous.

The purpose of open-relationship couple counselling It is:

• to understand what is happening between you,
• what each person wants/needs,
• what each person can genuinely consent to,
• and whether there is a way forward that both partners can freely choose.

For some couples, that leads to a mutually agreed arrangement. For others, it identifies an underlying issue that needs attention first. Sometimes it helps two people recognise an incompatibility that they have been unable to acknowledge on their own.

Frequently Asked Questions

FAQ on our Relationships

Is it normal for an LGBTQ+ partner to want an open relationship?

LGBTQ+ people have a wide range of relationship preferences, including monogamy and non-monogamy. The useful question is not whether your partner’s preference is “normal”, but whether the two of you can agree on a relationship that you both genuinely want.

Does being bisexual mean someone needs an open relationship?

No. Bisexuality does not require relationships with more than one gender, and being bisexual does not make monogamy inappropriate. A bisexual person may be monogamous or non-monogamous.

What if I say no?

You are allowed to say no to participating in a relationship structure that you do not want. Your partner may then have to decide what their own needs mean for the future of the relationship.

What if my partner has already had sex with someone else?

First establish what happened and what the existing relationship agreement was. A later proposal to become open does not automatically make previous behaviour consensual. Trust and honesty may need to be addressed before discussing the future.

Should I agree to try an open relationship?

Only if you can genuinely choose to explore it. Agreeing because you are frightened that your partner will leave is very different from freely wanting to explore non-monogamy.

What if we simply cannot agree?

You may discover a compromise, change your minds, or identify another problem that needs addressing. You may also discover that you want fundamentally different relationships. Counselling can help you explore those possibilities without assuming in advance that either person is right or wrong.

Could open-relationship couple counselling help?

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling on Video

If your partner wants an open relationship and you do not, you do not have to resolve the whole question by yourselves before seeking help.

Counselling can provide a structured space to understand what each of you is asking for, what may have changed, whether anything has already happened outside the relationship agreement, and whether both of you can genuinely choose the relationship you are trying to create.

The aim is not to manufacture agreement.

It is to help you understand the relationship clearly enough to make an informed decision about what happens next.

Find out more about Open Relationship Counselling for LGBTQ+ Couples.

The post Gay Couples: My Boyfriend wants an Open Relationship, I Don’t… what now? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Reviewing a Counsellor

The Specialist You’d Choose

An LGBTQ+ couple choosing a relationship counsellor is one of the most important decisions the couple can make.

Every counsellor brings different qualifications, experience, therapeutic models, and personal styles to their counselling sessions. While many therapists are capable and dedicated professionals, not every practitioner offers the depth of specialist knowledge, relationship-focused training, or dedicated understanding of diverse partnerships required for complex dynamics.

For couples seeking thoughtful, experienced, and specialist guidance, Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) offers several qualities that distinguish his practice from online general counselling services.

What Should You Look for in a Couples Counsellor.

Reviewing a Counsellor’s Suitability

Before choosing a couples counsellor, it is worth looking beyond whether they simply offer relationship counselling or describe themselves as LGBTQ+ friendly (or an “ally”).

Consider whether the counsellor has:

• Specific couples-counselling training and experience working with a couple’s relationship itself, rather than primarily with individuals.
• Genuine experience with LGBTQ+ relationships, rather than LGBTQ+ clients being simply one of many groups they accept.
• A clear therapeutic approach that explains how they work with relationship difficulties and conflicts.
• An understanding of LGBTQ+ relationships and their particular circumstances, so you can discuss your relationship without having to educate your counsellor about its fundamental context.
• Appropriate professional qualifications, supervision and accountability.
• A style that suits you both, particularly whether you want a counsellor who tells you what to do or one who helps you understand your relationship and make your own informed decisions.

Important Considerations

The list above is a useful set of considerations for any counsellor you are thinking of.

They can help you make an informed choice about who is best placed to work with your particular relationship (rather than, say, choosing the cheapest fees, the most good-looking man, or the counsellor who was recommended by another couple with the assumption that their problems are the same as yours).

Dean Richardson – a Specialist in LGBTQ+ Relationship Counselling.

Postgraduate Diploma in Couple Counselling

Most counsellors complete their initial professional training to qualify them to work therapeutically only with individuals.

Such practitioners who attempt couples work will lack the specialised framework, comprehension, and approach required to navigate intricate relationship dynamics; working effectively with a couple, for instance, requires the counsellor to treat the relationship itself as the client.

For example:

Postgraduate Qualified

Dean’s postgraduate diploma trained him specifically in integrated Systemic and Psychodynamic Couple Counselling. This qualifies him to work with couples and their relationship dynamics.

Rather than listening to two separate stories, he works with the interaction between partners, the patterns, behaviours, communication styles, and emotional processes that develop within the relationship itself.

His approach encourages couples to become curious about what their behaviours are communicating, helping them gently disrupt unhelpful loops and understand the true function of their conflict for lasting change.

As a gay couple therapist, Dean brings lived insight, personal continued professional development focusing on queer relationships, and an affirmative, non-pathologising approach. This offers couples a non-judgemental space where sexualities and gender identities are naturally understood rather than treated as problems to solve.

Having decades of specialism in remote video therapy, Dean has honed a distinct practical ability to identify and highlight unrecognised relational patterns between LGBTQ+ partners, helping long-distance or cohabiting couples untangle longstanding battles constructively. His depth of hands-on experience allows him to act as an insightful, objective facilitator who respects the unique nuances of diverse relationship structures.

Dedicated Expertise in LGBTQ+ and Diverse Relationships.

Many counsellors list LGBTQ+ clients among a broad array of groups they work with, but Dean has built his entire private practice around these connections. For just over one and a half decades since his postgraduate diploma, his work has focused specifically on helping gay, lesbian, bisexual, mixed-sexuality, transgender, non-binary, and polyamorous relationships (including throuples and other intimate relationship structures) navigate conflict, disconnection, and change.

Deep Specialisation

This deep specialisation means that gay couples spend zero time explaining their identities, relationship structures, or unique pressures to a counsellor. Therapy begins from a position of profound understanding, creating an environment where diverse partnerships feel genuinely recognised rather than merely accepted. His gender-agnostic approach ensures clients are met with deep competence and a non-pathologising space.

Decades of Proven Experience.

Counsellor Dean live on video

Experience matters. Now in his 28th year of counselling practice with extensive experience devoted to relationship work, Dean brings a seasoned, steady hand that easily recognises subtle interactional patterns partners may have overlooked for years.

Assuring IT Experience

Furthermore, his background gives him a distinct edge in digital practice as an ex-IBM engineer contributing to his reliable experience of delivering secure online therapy via Zoom, Teams, and WhatsApp. This flexibility allows couples to attend sessions consistently from wherever they are, even if partners are temporarily logging in from separate locations.

A Collaborative Style and Plain English Communication.

Some people imagine counselling involves an expert telling couples how they should live their lives. Dean deliberately avoids this authoritative position. Instead of presenting himself as the person with all the answers, he approaches therapy with collaboration and curiosity, helping couples discover solutions that genuinely will belong to them.

Simple Communication

Furthermore, he believes relationship counselling does not need to be filled with clinical psychological jargon. Dean communicates clearly, naturally, and directly, explaining complex relationship processes in plain English that couples can easily understand and apply in everyday life.

Independent Practice and Professional Accountability.

Independent Online Counsellor

Many counselling services operate through large online platforms or commercial agencies where clients have little choice over their therapist. Dean works independently, meaning the therapeutic relationship develops directly with the person selected from the very beginning, ensuring total continuity.

An Accredited Counsellor

Dean was professionally accredited by his first professional membership body back in 2009. Now, as an Accredited Registrant (MNCPS (Accred/Reg)) with the National Counselling and Psychotherapy Society (Registration: NCS15-02454), Dean maintains monthly professional supervision, undertakes continuing professional development, and practises strictly within a recognised ethical framework.

Making your Informed Choice.

The Right Choice for Your Relationship

No counsellor can be the right therapist for every couple. The most successful journey begins when partners choose someone whose background aligns with their needs, and in the first few sessions they find working with him to be straightforward.

If you are seeking a specialist in LGBTQ+ couples counselling who:

• Holds specialised postgraduate qualifications in systemic and psychodynamic relationship counselling;
• Focuses deeply on LGBTQ+ and diverse relationship structures rather than treating them as just one of many groups;
• Brings over 27 years of practical counselling experience;
• Works collaboratively and transparently using plain English;
• Prioritises understanding the underlying dynamics of relationship conflict rather than assigning blame to one partner or the other; and
• Offers an independent, professional practice with flexible online video access,

…then Counsellor Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) represents a distinctive choice.

Ultimately, relationship therapy is an investment in your future together, and partnering with someone whose therapeutic practice embraces relationship processes could provide a strong foundation for meaningful and lasting change in your partnership.

The post Why LGBTQ+ Couples Opt for Counsellor Dean Richardson appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.

Queer relationships come with unique strengths and pressures, as we navigate heteronormative expectations in everyday life and carry our own individual histories. Whether you’re dealing with communication breakdowns, navigating an open relationship, or simply feeling like roommates who argue, relationship counselling doesn’t tell you you’re “broken”; instead, its non-judgemental process and neutral counsellor assists the couple in identifying what’s going wrong, and supports them in figuring out resolutions.

Here is what happens when you invest in queer-affirming therapy, how it actually works, and why remote video support might be the shift your relationship needs.

The Core Shift: Professional counselling doesn’t exist to “save” or “fix” a relationship at all costs. Its real purpose is to give you and your partner(s) a secure space to understand why you get stuck and the tools to navigate it together.

Why Invest Time and Money in Therapy?

Why Invest in Couple Therapy

It’s easy to view therapy as an expense reserved for a crisis. But taking a moment to consider your relationship with a specialist is a way to invest in your shared daily reality.

When couples try to solve repeating arguments on their own, they often end up using the same communication patterns that caused the clash in the first place. Paying for professional space buys you an objective, skilled facilitator who can spot the loops you’re trapped in. It gives you room to stop reacting and start understanding, transforming friction into clarity.

How Does Couple Counselling Work?

Effective LGBTQ+ relationship therapy doesn’t rely on generic advice or rigid rules. Instead, it examines your dynamic from two useful perspectives:

• The Patterns Between You (Systemic): How your individual habits, past experiences, and environment shape the way you react to each other today.
• The Unspoken Needs (Psychodynamic): What emotional drivers or hidden anxieties are quietly fuelling those sudden, explosive arguments over minor things.

Crucially, an affirming specialist works with a non-normative approach.

There is no baseline expectation of what a “proper” relationship looks like, whether you are monogamous, open, a same-sex couple, a throuple, or a polyamorous group. The goal is to build a therapeutic structure that actually works for your specific dynamic – and Dean has the years experience that can help make that happen.

What Happens in a Typical Session?

What happens in LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling

Sessions run for 50 minutes once a week (with options to run 90 minutes when requested) and follow a collaborative, conversational rhythm that’s set by the couple (with the counsellor’s assistance at the beginning of the work).

One example of a session’s structure, as decided by the couple, might be:

1. Unpacking the Week: You examine recent tensions or successes without the conversation devolving into a shouting match.
2. Identifying the Triggers: Your counsellor helps you trace why a specific moment caused a reaction, separating past baggage from present reality.
3. Testing New Approaches: You agree on practical, small adjustments to communication or behaviour to try out during the week.
4. Refining the Process: You return the following week to evaluate what felt supportive and what needs tweaking.

The couple take away tasks to try and report back on during the next session, Anything that needs further adjusting is welcome.

What Counts as a Successful Outcome?

LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling Outcomes

Success isn’t measured by whether you stay together forever; it’s measured by clarity and growth.

• Reconnection: Many couples rebuild intimacy, establish healthy boundaries, and rediscover why they chose each other in the first place.
• Skill Building: You walk away with practical conflict-resolution skills so you can handle future life hurdles without needing a therapist present.
• Conscious Uncoupling: If therapy reveals that your paths are genuinely diverging, a successful outcome might mean ending the partnership amicably, with mutual respect, rather than staying in an unhappy situation out of habit. This isn’t something the counsellor decides for (or even recommends to) the couple; this is something counselling may help the couple to decide is best for themselves,

Can Relationship Counselling “Go Wrong”?

When Couples Therapy Goes Wrong

Therapy isn’t a magic wand, and it can feel unproductive if expectations are misaligned. It can feel like it’s stalling if:

• One or both partners expect the therapist to act as a judge, assign blame, or take sides.
• There is an expectation of a “quick fix” without doing the reflection required between sessions.
• Uncomfortable truths emerge that lead the relationship toward separation—which, while painful in the moment, is often the necessary resolution rather than a failure of therapy itself.

How does Couple Counselling End?

Bringing Couple Counselling to a Close

Couple counselling comes to an end:

• When the couple (who elected for an open-ended counselling arrangement) recognise that their relationship behaviour is more how they wanted it, and so counselling becomes more and more unnecessary.
• When the couple elected for a set number of sessions, and these have run out (choosing not to add further sessions).
• When either the couple or the counsellor or both recognise that the counselling work is not helping the couple. There are options for a referral to another counsellor or another approach to therapy.

Giving notice can be helpful, such as when the couple believe they want to end counselling. This gives the couple and counsellor time to review the work, what the couple wanted, how that’s manifested in their lives, and what unfinished business the couple are taking away with them.

Why Choose Specialist Video Counselling with Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg)?

Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/REg)

When seeking therapy, having to explain basic LGBTQ+ concepts, open-relationship dynamics, or gender identity to a well-meaning but uneducated practitioner wastes time and energy.

Working with Dean Richardson MNCPS(Accred/Reg) through LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk offers distinct advantages:

• Decades of Queer-Affirming Expertise: With over 28th year of therapeutic experience and more than 16 years focused exclusively on gender, sexual, and relationship diversity (GSRD), Dean understands the nuances of queer relationships without needing them explained.
• Purpose-Built Video Practice: Having facilitated remote therapy long before it became common, Dean combines a background in IT with secure, accessible platforms (such as Zoom and Teams) to ensure your sessions are confidential and smooth.
• Flexibility & Comfort: Secure video counselling removes geographic restrictions. You and your partner(s) can join from the comfort of your own home, eliminating travel stress and allowing you to focus entirely on your relationship.

Conclusion.

Taking the step to reach out for support is rarely easy, but recognising that your relationship deserves expert care is a deeply positive decision. Choosing to invest in your partnership—whether you are looking to rebuild trust, clear up years of miscommunication, or navigate a complex transition—shows a profound commitment to your personal growth and mutual well-being.

By getting in touch with Counsellor Dean (for LGBTQ+ Couples Counselling), you are placing your relationship in the hands of a seasoned specialist who truly understands the fabric of LGBTQ+ lives. You won’t have to translate your identity, defend your relationship model, or settle for generic advice. Contacting Dean is a decisive, constructive move toward replacing ongoing friction with real clarity, empathy, and long-term resolution.

The post Beyond “Fixing Us”: How Couples Counselling Actually Benefits LGBTQ+ Partners appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.