One Task that Improves a Relationship

Systems in Couple Relationships

In systemic couples counselling, the term “system” refers to the couple’s relationship; specifically how partners respond to one another in their responses and behaviours.

It may be one of the relationship’s goals to learn how to change their behaviour, and regarding the relationship as a system can help to achieve this.

An Example System:

• Partner A asks: “did you buy milk on the way home”.
• Partner B responds: “You didn’t ask me to!?!”.
• Partner A responds: “I thought it would have been obvious, so why didn’t you?”
• Partner B responds: “How many times have I asked you to tell me…”

Do you see an argument building in this interaction?

This is a system in which each response is based on the previous one, and the couple has locked themselves into an escalating argument.

Couples regularly come to counselling because their relationship has been going wrong (possibly for some time). They make include a relationship goal to be able to improve their behaviour, such as halting arguments early. Systemic counselling focusses on how partners behave with each other in their relationships, and this can help the couple identify what parts of their relationship (their “system”) that there like to amend 

Systems are not limited to couples (monogamous, polyamorous, open, etc.), neither. Systemic counselling can be helpful to a polyamorous group, a set of friends, a family, even an orchestra, and many more combinations!

What partners can learn from a System

With curiosity comes the opportunity to make new discoveries: we can gain new information through curiosity. With new information comes the opportunity for partners to make new behavioural choices; they can change how they respond – making this a new relationship goal.

Couples benefits from learning that it’s not the person that’s the problem; it’s the problem that’s the problem. This is a very helpful concept in systemic counselling.

When you look at relationship behaviour through a systems lens, the aim is to stop treating either partner as “the issue” and instead look at the pattern you’ve both been pulled into. A couple can get stuck in loops (misunderstandings, habits, reactions) that feel personal, but the loop itself is the thing causing the trouble. When you perceive the issue as distinct from the two of you, you can unite and approach it collaboratively. That shift lowers defensiveness and makes room for practical change, because the goal becomes adjusting the pattern rather than blaming the person. It turns the relationship into a joint problem-solving team rather than a courtroom.

The couple counsellor helps the couple see that their differences can enrich their relationship, not that they need to be as similar as possible.

Tweaking the System can Halt an Argument

Counselling can help a couple identify when an argument – or other unsatisfactory behaviour in the relationship – is beginning.

Interrupting behaviour early is far more effective than trying to interrupt it later.

Changing the course of an argument is much, much easier when the argument is in its very early stages – and is a task that either partner can achieve on behalf of both.

How Systems Ideas Help LGBTQ+ Relationships

This is where a therapeutic systemic approach can be helpful to a marriage in trouble.

A systemic model of therapy is an effective way for us to learn about where the system (the marriage) is going wrong, what’s contributing to the faults and inability to apply solutions, and what’s giving the marriage the power to identify behavioural changes (changes to their system) that they might make together.

An Example of a “System”

Let’s compare two systems: your washing machine and your relationship (stay with me on this…)

How is this helpful?

Each event  is (or has become) dependent upon the previous event (are you noticing the similarities between these two seemingly helpless systems?)

Of course, your relationship is not a washing machine, and in Systemic Couple Counselling we can help you and your partner make changes to your “human systems”,  aka your most intimate and important of all relationships.

Relationship Counselling (using systems)

Now that you’re familiar with systems and a systematic approach to tackling one problem, you might find that relationship counselling with a systemic counsellor could be useful.

A systemic approach to counselling aims to assist the couple in developing their ability to recognise things going wrong, to put in place behaviours that quickly stop matters going wrong when they’re recognised, and to support both partners in using their inspiration to change the poor direction of their relationship.

Integrating Systemic Therapy with Psychodynamic Therapy (as does Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) from LGBTCoupleCounselling.co.uk) combines two powerful therapeutic approaches: improving your current relationship and improving issues from the past that one or both partners are bringing into the relationship. 

Learning to Mitigate the Relationship going Wrong

In counselling, we will turn our attention to inspired learning about what can be done to improve the marriage’s behaviour. We’ll rely on the marriage partners’ own ingenuity, inspiration, and ability to hypothesise (i.e. thinking about what might be going on or what might be hidden feelings that may be masked by behaviour).

We’ll talk about how to stop a situation before it turns into an argument or physical abuse.

We’ll help the couple set up measures and stop-gaps that help them to stop or alter their direction when things start to go wrong.

Ending Counselling

By the end of counselling, the relationship (the couple or group) will be able to manage their behaviour more effectively themselves, without the need to consult a counsellor any further.

A couple does not have to wait until all their problems have been erased by counselling in order to leave. After couples leave, relationship problems still come up, but the couple are now able to deal with them better than they did before. They no longer have to talk things over with a counsellor.

An advantage of this therapeutic approach is that the couple has learnt to manage new/unknown problems as they arise.

We haven’t simply taught them instructions: “When this happens, do that!”

We’ve helped them learn about their relationship system so that they have the ability to manage future relationship problems as effectively as existing ones.

Intro to Couple Counselling Myths

I’m sure the topic of couples counselling for our LGBTQ+ community conjures up at least one or two scary thoughts and images in your mind.

These features might be about what you’re expecting an LGBTQ+ couple counsellor is going to “do” to your relationship or what horrorible kind of exercises they are going to tell you to do.

Maybe you have very high hopes about what the counsellor is going to do to cure your relationship of all of its ills and are not aware that you’ll have some work to make these hopes happen.

Whatever is in your mind, myths and rumours stop you from contacting a couples counsellor (although you are still interested, because you arrived at this article).

Let me assure you that there are many LGBTQ+ couples that came before you who have gone through couple therapy together with the author of this article: Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg). A good handful of them who had misunderstandings and believed erroneous myths about the counselling process were relieved to find they had very little to worry about.

If you’re one of the many LGBTQ+ couples who are considering counselling for your relationship problems but you have worries or concerns that are holding you back, I hope that the following Myths and Misconceptions (along with my clarifications!) will help relieve your anxiety and show you how helpful couple counselling can be for queer partners’ needs.

Thank you to Dr. Sue Johnson on Twitter for inviting the conversation: “What’s the biggest misconception about couple therapy?” – 23rd August, 2022 – which inspired this article. Go take a look at the latest comments.

Why Couples Don’t Talk…

You both may have given up talking to one another. You may have wondered why you cannot have a good conversation any longer. You may not have realised that you’ve stopped talking for very good reasons.

Why do gay couples stop talking to each another? Why is it hard for a gay couple to talk about their relationship? Why doesn’t my boyfriend talk with me anymore? What stops gay couples talking over their problems?

Maybe… when you tried to talk about things going wrong in your relationship, the conversation raised arguments that neither of you could diffuse. Maybe you tried to talk about:

Counselling: a Safer Place to Talk

So, couples don’t talk… for very good reasons,

Why couple counselling can help: when entering into counselling, we can begin to create a safer place where important conversations might begin to take place. This place might be in the counselling session; it may involve both of you finding a neutral place away from the sessions.

Wherever that neutral space turns out to be, it will be a location where the issues we could not discuss previously can now take place.

Sure, we may need to create some rules that help you maintain safety and containment together. We will discuss what you both hope for in being able to talk. The couple counsellor can monitor both partners during their talking, and he intervenes when it all seems to be going a bit wrong. The couple can learn how to check in with each other while their conversations take place, so that they can monitor safety and change tactics when they’re away from a counselling session.

Whatever therapeutic framework we create together, it will be one that’s unique to your distinct relationship needs.

We’ll aim to make things work for both of you, enabling you to talk with each other again.

Helping you Tell your Story (once again)

• One partner pulls out a piece, saying, “a blue piece—this obviously means it’s a piece of the ‘sky’!” and attempts to match their jigsaw piece to others that may also be sky.
• The other partner looks at the piece, saying, “but a blue piece is not ‘sky’; blue is ‘sea’!” They take the piece away from their partner and tries to fit the piece with other pieces that might also be “sea”.

A struggle ensues between the partners. Some pieces are fitting together and others are not; the couple is fighting over whether “blue” means “sky” or “sea” and, therefore, what the overall “picture” is meant to look like.

But there’s a bigger problem with this approach than just the argument…

What Nobody has Noticed

… is that no-one brought the jigsaw box lid with them!

The couple don’t know what their relationship “picture” is supposed to look like.

This is a BIG problem for the couple!

Each partner in the relationship has an individual assumption about what each jigsaw piece is meant to be. Without the picture, though, they are not able to refer to a common image. They aren’t talking or bargaining with each other to figure out what each part of their relationship could mean. They are both forcing the other into accepting their individual meanings.

If this jigsaw puzzle story were analogous to a gay couple’s relationship, what does counselling contribute to helping the couple rebuild (or build for the very first time) the picture of how their relationship is going to look?

Learning your Partner’s Story

During counselling sessions, the counsellor’s role will include facilitating the gay couple into discussing, negotiating, and agreeing / empathising / compromising upon what each “jigsaw piece might mean”.

In the above example, blue could mean “sky” (according to one partner) or “sea” (according to the other). But what does “blue” mean to the couple’s relationship?

We’re assisting the couple in learning new information (remember the top of this page: new information →  inspiration, negotiation, compromise). With new information, we may discover new ways for each component of the relationship to fit together. We might learn different attributions for parts of the relationship. We might learn what the relationship picture is supposed to be.

We’re supporting each partner with hypothesising: “if a blue piece could be more than sky or sea, what else could it be?” to empower the couple with newer (piece-fitting…) options to help build their newer relationship picture.

The couple (at their own pace) becomes empowered to make their own hypotheses about (and with) each other. As this ebbs and glows, the counsellor steps back and forward, holding the concept of the couple’s relationship in mind. The couple are discovering new information and are making new, informed choices sufficiently for the pieces of their relationship to fit together, better than before, and a clearer picture is developing in front of them.

Helpful Tips from Counselling

In this blog post, we’ve discussed reasons why a couple is no longer talking—it has become easier to not talk.

To begin trying to undo current behaviours and trying to begin talking again, these tips may help:-

1) Individually make a list of things to talk about. Compare the lists.

2) When making a request of your partner, things you say should be in one-sentence-at-a-time form. Try not to speak in whole paragraphs (or whole chapters!) or the risk is that your partner will lose the main point of your request.

3) Meet in a neutral place (such as away from home). Choose a safe place (a coffee house may feel neutral, but can you have a valuable conversation there?)

4) Be honest.

5) Listen! Listening is a different behaviour to: waiting to deliver your retort.

6) When replying, address your partner’s point first (rather than firing back a: “well you were even worse than me in this example, I’m now going to regail to you..!!”)

7) Speak in “Post-it!” note length. If you’re telling your partner something important, if, when written down, it’s more than a post-it note can hold, then your partner won’t hold it in their memory either.

8) If unsure of how to respond, ask your partner for help.

9) Responding with a solution may be less helpful than responding with empathy (“I understand, truely”)

10) Apply Circularity: what do you think your partner is thinking; check it out with them rather than acting on your assumption.

I hope this blog post helps xx

Further to my article: Common Problems Gay Couples Resolve in Counselling, in this post (as a real counsellor) I’ll tackle the most common queries that gay couples put to Google’s large language model querying service: NINE Queries Gay Couples Ask of Google Gemini.

It is important to acknowledge that every gay couple is unique and may have varying concerns preferences when it comes what they worry about in their relationship. In this post, we will explore some common questions that gay couples ask of Google Gemini, but this is how a real, experienced gay couples counsellor responds, rather than a large language model automaton.

And when you’re done, you might like to read about my Online Video Counselling for Gay Couples service. It’s pretty neat😁👍.

Ready?

Looking for Couples Therapy

ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THE GAY MEN'S COUPLE COUNSELLOR……who understands many of the problems that gay male couples face and who can assist in working through to better times?

Read about Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg)'s gay couple therapy services today and begin your journey toward the more connected, more resilient relationship that you both want back.

Learn more…

Helpful Tips from Counselling

Of course, not all gay couples will experience the problems listed as common by Google Gemini.

Couples Counselling can be an excellent resource for a gay couple, particularly when things haven’t been going well lately.

By looking through this website, the couple thinking about talking with a counsellor might find that Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) appears to match their particular needs as a gay couple counsellor.

But to make sure, you can put Dean through his own evaluation criteria as described in this blog post: “How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions“.

Hope this blog post helps xx

While individual partners will have varied preferences and priorities, when selecting a couple’s counsellor, there are some common factors that both partners will consider important.

It is important to acknowledge that every gay couple is unique and may have varying preferences when it comes to finding an online video counsellor. In this post, we will explore some common preferences that many gay couples consider when searching for the counsellor who can assist them with their relationship issues. These preferences may vary from couple to couple, and the specific needs of the reader may be different.

So, here are five points that gay couples look for in a counsellor to help them with relationship problems.

And when you’re done, you might like to read about my Online Therapy for Gay Couples service. It’s pretty neat😁👍.

Are you ready?

Helpful Tips Choosing a Counsellor

Of course, while these are general considerations, and individual preferences may differ, the most important factor is finding a counsellor with whom both partners feel comfortable and understood. Furthermore, the success of gay couples counselling often depends on both partners’ willingness to actively engage in the process and work towards positive change in their relationship. If they both get along well with the counsellor, this can have a significantly positive impact on the progress of therapy.

By looking through this website, the couple may find that Dean Richardson MNCPS (Accred/Reg) appears to match their particular needs as a gay couple counsellor.

But to make sure, you can put Dean through his own evaluation criteria as described in this blog post: “How to Choose Your Counsellor – Top 13 Questions“.

Hope this blog post helps xx

As an LGBTQ+ couple, throuple or polycule, you may have some concerns about how strong your relationship is and what your partner(s) think about your partnership.

Would it help if you and your partner(s) could ask some insightful questions that could alleviate your worries and that may also highlight what needs to be addressed (sooner rather than later)? I’m thinking it might be.

As a qualified, experienced relationship counsellor with 26 years practical experience, let me assure you that embarking on a journey of discovery within your partnership can actually be as exhilarating as it can be enlightening. Do not be afraid!

Allow me to offer you this thoughtful scenario:

…you and your loved one have a heartfelt conversation in a peaceful place, under a star-lit sky. You both explore the intricate nature of your emotions, dreams, and aspirations that have bound you together since you first met. By asking each other thoughtfully evaluating questions, you’re not just unraveling the enigmatic layers of your partnership, but you’re also creating a space where unspoken desires might find a voice. In finding expression, listened to with genuine curiosity, flourishes in your connection can bloom, and difficulties can be embraced.

The following ten questions may serve as a compass, expertly guiding you through a maze of your relationship behaviour, emotions and responses that you find helpful.

The questions assist you in discovering the strengths that make up your bond and illuminate the corners that may require a little more light.

This is an introspective journey about creating a mutually beneficial roadmap for your future together; it’s not just understanding where you are now. This trip can help you grow, rediscover yourself, and make your love stronger and even more resilient.

Your relationship journey is waiting for you.

Are you ready?

Helpful Things to Remember

Hope this helps xx