But you don’t.

The Open Relationship Dilemma

If you’re an LGBTQ+ couple, that conversation can sometimes carry additional layers of complexity. Perhaps you’re a gay male couple who have always been monogamous. Perhaps you’re a lesbian couple where one partner has begun questioning whether monogamy still works for them. Perhaps you’re bisexual and your partner is worried that you’re missing something by being in a monogamous relationship. Perhaps one of you is trans, queer or exploring your sexuality, and changes in identity have brought new questions into the relationship.

Or perhaps your situation is much simpler: you’ve built your relationship together, you’ve understood it to be monogamous, and now your partner wants something different. What happened?

Whatever the circumstances, you may now be wondering:

• Does this situation mean our relationship is over?
• Am I being unreasonable?
• Does saying no make me controlling?
• Is the issue something to do with being gay, lesbian, bisexual or queer?
• Should I agree to try it because I don’t want to lose my partner?
• What if they leave me if I refuse?

As a private practice LGBTQ+ couple counsellor, I can tell you that there is no single answer to these questions. But there is one place worth starting:

You don’t have to agree to an open relationship.

An open relationship isn’t something that one partner gets to decide for both people.

Your partner is entitled to want a different kind of relationship.

You are entitled not to want it.

Those two things can both be true.

Being LGBTQ+ doesn’t mean you have to be non-monogamous, just as being heterosexual doesn’t mean you have to be monogamous. LGBTQ+ people have relationships that are monogamous, open, polyamorous and everything in between.

There can sometimes be a particular pressure within LGBTQ+ communities to think differently about relationships. You may have heard that heterosexual monogamy is an outdated model or that queer relationships are supposed to be more flexible. You may have friends who are happily non-monogamous. You may even feel that refusing an open relationship somehow makes you less progressive.

It doesn’t.

Your relationship doesn’t have to conform to somebody else’s idea of what a modern LGBTQ+ relationship should look like.

Perhaps your partner sees opening the relationship as exciting, liberating, honest or something that could strengthen your relationship.

Perhaps you see it as threatening, frightening, painful or simply incompatible with what you understand your relationship to be.

Neither of you necessarily has to be “the bad one”.

You may simply have discovered that you have different ideas about what being partners means.

Don’t agree just because you’re frightened.

Don’t Panic!

One of the most difficult situations is when the LGBTQ+ partner who doesn’t want an open relationship eventually says:

Okay. I’ll try it.

But underneath the “okay” is this:

I’m terrified you’ll leave me if I say no.

That’s not really you agreeing to something, though, is it?

You might persuade yourself that you should be more sexually adventurous because you’re in a queer relationship. You might tell yourself that non-monogamy is simply something that LGBTQ+ couples are expected to be comfortable with. You might compare your relationship with those of friends in the gay, lesbian or queer community and wonder whether you’re being old-fashioned. You might agree because you’re frightened that your partner will leave you for someone else.

But if you say yes because you’re scared saying no will end the relationship, then there’s a much bigger conversation to have.

What exactly are you consenting to in this situation?

And are you truly choosing it? Or are you trying to prevent a breakup?

Why might your partner want an open relationship?

Thinking – Carlos Alvarenga

Before deciding what to do, it may help to understand what your partner means by “I want an open relationship.”

That phrase can mean entirely unique things to different LGBTQ+ relationships.

• Perhaps your partner is keen to explore sex with other people.
• Perhaps they might wish to explore a side of their sexuality unavailable in your relationship together.
• Perhaps they miss experiences they had before the relationship.
• Perhaps they have discovered that non-monogamy fits better with how they understand relationships.
• Perhaps they are curious about an aspect of their sexuality that they haven’t previously explored.
• Perhaps a bisexual partner feels that being in a monogamous relationship means giving up an important part of their sexual identity.
• Perhaps your partner has become interested in someone specific.
• Perhaps they feel that sexual exclusivity doesn’t make sense to them.
• Perhaps they want more freedom.
• Perhaps they believe opening the relationship would solve sexual difficulties between the two of you.
• Perhaps they have already developed feelings for somebody else.
• Perhaps they are unhappy in the relationship, and opening it feels like an alternative to ending it.
• Or perhaps they have simply discovered something about themselves that they didn’t previously understand.

These possibilities aren’t interchangeable.

So instead of immediately arguing about whether you should have an open relationship, you might first ask:

What is it that you actually want?

That’s a much more revealing question.

Is this about sexuality, identity or the relationship?

For some LGBTQ+ couples, a conversation about opening the relationship can become mixed up with questions about sexual identity. This can be particularly complicated in bisexual or mixed-orientation relationships.

For example, a bisexual person may wonder whether they are somehow denying part of themselves by remaining monogamous with a partner of one gender. But being bisexual doesn’t mean that you need to have relationships with people of more than one gender in order for your bisexuality to be real. Equally, a bisexual partner may genuinely want a relationship structure that allows relationships or sexual experiences with more than one gender. The important thing is not to assume that sexuality automatically determines relationship structure.

Your sexual identity and your relationship agreement are related, but they aren’t the same thing.

For other LGBTQ+ couples, the issue may connect to coming out, gender transition, or a changing understanding of identity. A partner may feel that they are discovering new possibilities for themselves after years of suppressing or misunderstanding parts of who they are. Those discoveries can be significant. But they still need to be discussed within the relationship.

What are they really asking for?

Questions Raised for Open Relationships

“Open relationship” can become a convenient shorthand for an enormous number of arrangements.

For an LGBTQ+ couple, that might include:

• sex with other people separately;
• sex with other people together;
• threesomes;
• occasional sexual encounters;
• ongoing sexual partners;
• dating other people;
• romantic relationships with other people;
• emotional relationships as well as sexual ones;
• being able to flirt or use dating apps;
• meeting people through LGBTQ+ social or dating communities;
• something much more like polyamory;

You don’t necessarily know which of these your partner has in mind.

And your partner may not know either – yet.

So, maybe, ask?

Don’t ask as a kind of interrogation, though. This is not to trap your partner.

Asking is because you cannot sensibly discuss an arrangement until you know what that arrangement actually is.

What about Grindr, HER and other LGBTQ+ dating apps?

For many gay, bisexual and queer couples, dating apps can be part of the discussion about openness.

Perhaps your partner has Grindr on their phone. Perhaps you’re a lesbian couple, and one of you is using HER. Perhaps your partner says they are only looking, chatting or browsing.

You may be asking:

If we’re monogamous, why are you on a dating app?

There isn’t a universal answer.

For some couples, simply having a dating app is a breach of their agreement. For others, browsing or chatting may be acceptable. Some couples use apps together. Others consider any sexual or romantic messaging with another person to be cheating.

The technology isn’t the important part. Your agreement is.

If you have never discussed what dating apps mean within your relationship, you may each have been operating according to different assumptions.

And if your partner is using an app secretly, that raises a different question about trust and honesty.

“But if you loved me, you’d trust me.”

You might hear something like this:

If you trusted me, you wouldn’t be worried.

That sounds persuasive. But trust and relationship agreements aren’t the same thing.

• You can trust your partner and still not want them to have sex with other people.
• You can trust your partner and still prefer a sexually exclusive relationship.
• You can believe that your partner loves you and still discover that the two of you want different forms of relationship.

Trust doesn’t require you to want everything your partner wants.

And disagreeing with your partner’s preferred relationship structure doesn’t automatically make you insecure or controlling.

“You’re just being controlling.”

This is another accusation that can shut down the conversation.

There is an important difference between:

You are not allowed to have sex with anyone else.

and:

I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner has sex with other people.

The first sentence tries to control another person’s behaviour. The second describes your boundary and your own choice about what kind of relationship you are willing to have. Real relationships can be more complicated than those two sentences, but the distinction is worth considering. You cannot decide for your partner what your partner wants. Your partner cannot decide for you what you want.

The question becomes:

Can the two of you create a relationship that both genuinely want to participate in?

What if your partner has already found someone?

Relationship Breakup?

Such a scenario can make everything much more complicated.

Perhaps your partner has met someone through Grindr, HER, another dating app, a gay bar, a social group or their wider LGBTQ+ community.

Perhaps they say:

It’s not about anyone in particular.

But then you discover there is someone.

Or perhaps they’ve already been flirting, messaging, using a dating app or having sex with someone else.

Now you’re no longer simply discussing a theoretical possibility. You’re dealing with something that is already happening. You may feel betrayed. Your partner may insist that they were only exploring something about themselves. You may hear the term “open relationship” used to describe behaviour you never agreed to.

In that situation, it can be important to separate two questions:

What happened?

and

What do we want our relationship to be now?

Calling something an “open relationship” doesn’t make it consensually open.

An agreement requires the consent of everyone involved.

Can a monogamous LGBTQ+ relationship become an open relationship?

Yes, some LGBTQ+ couples do change their relationship structure.

But changing from monogamy to non-monogamy isn’t simply a matter of changing a rule. You’re potentially changing something fundamental about the relationship.

You may have to reconsider:

• what commitment means to both of you;
• what fidelity means;
• what counts as cheating;
• what information you share;
• sexual-health agreements;
• safer-sex practices;
• dating and messaging;
• emotional intimacy;
• time together;
• time apart;
• privacy;
• jealousy;
• boundaries;
• whether other relationships can become romantic;
• how dating apps will be used;
• what happens if one person changes their mind;

And perhaps most importantly:

Can both partners genuinely choose the new arrangement?

If one partner is desperately trying to tolerate something they don’t want, the couple may not have solved the problem. They may simply have postponed it.

What if I don’t want to share my partner with anyone else?

You don’t have to.

It is perfectly possible to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, queer or otherwise LGBTQ+ and want a monogamous relationship.

• You don’t need to demonstrate how open-minded you are.
• You don’t need to prove that you’re sexually liberated.
• You don’t need to follow the relationship choices of your LGBTQ+ friends.
• You don’t need to compete with other people.
• And you don’t need to become comfortable with something simply because somebody else is comfortable with it.
• At the same time, your partner doesn’t necessarily need to become monogamous simply because you want them to.

That’s the difficult bit.

You both have autonomy, and autonomy sometimes produces painful choices.

What about jealousy?

Jealousy is often treated as though it is a character defect.

I shouldn’t be jealous.

They’re allowed to do what they want.

I need to get over it.

But jealousy can contain useful information.

• Perhaps you’re frightened of being replaced.
• Perhaps you feel that your partner’s attention is already disappearing.
• Perhaps you don’t believe that the relationship is secure enough to withstand other sexual or emotional relationships.
• Perhaps something happened in the past that damaged trust.
• Perhaps you’ve experienced rejection or discrimination outside the relationship and now feel particularly vulnerable to losing the person who has been your emotional safe place.
• Perhaps you’re discovering that sexual exclusivity matters to you much more than you realised.
• Or perhaps you’re simply someone who doesn’t want a non-monogamous relationship.
• You don’t have to eliminate jealousy before you’re allowed to have an opinion.

It may be more useful to understand what the jealousy is trying to tell you.

What rules should an LGBTQ+ open relationship have?

Open Relationship Rules

You may be tempted to start making rules immediately. Such rules might cover categories as:

• No dating.
• Only sex.
• No sleepovers.
• No repeat partners.
• No people we know / Only partners I’ve agreed to.
• Tell me everything / Tell me nothing.
• Only when we’re together / Only when we’re apart.
• No Grindr / No HER / No dating apps.
• No feelings.
• No messaging.

And so on.

Rules can be useful, but rules don’t automatically create safety. A couple can have twenty pages of rules and still not trust each other.

You might therefore need to ask a more fundamental question:

What does each of us need in order to feel able to participate in this relationship?

That takes the conversation beyond rule-making.

It moves towards understanding.

What if opening the relationship is supposed to fix our sex life?

Occasionally a proposal to open a relationship appears when something else has become difficult.

• Perhaps you’re having very little sex.
• Perhaps one partner wants sex much more frequently than the other.
• Perhaps you’ve stopped feeling sexually connected.
• Perhaps there is resentment.
• Perhaps there are sexual interests that one partner doesn’t share.
• Perhaps sex has become something you argue about.
• Perhaps one partner is experiencing sexual difficulties and finds it easier to imagine sex with somebody else than to talk about what’s happening between you.

Opening the relationship might be one possible response. But it isn’t automatically a solution.

If the underlying problem is loneliness, resentment, rejection or difficulty talking about sex, introducing other partners may add another layer of complexity without resolving the original problem.

It is therefore worth asking:

If our relationship were already sexually satisfying, would you still want an open relationship?

The answer could reveal something important.

What if one partner is bisexual?

Bisexuality can sometimes become part of a difficult conversation about monogamy.

A bisexual person may worry that choosing a monogamous relationship means giving up the opportunity to experience relationships with people of another gender. Their partner may worry that they will eventually feel that something is missing. These fears can be particularly strong when a bisexual person is in a relationship that appears, from the outside, to be heterosexual or homosexual. But bisexuality doesn’t require someone to have relationships with more than one gender.

At the same time, a bisexual person may genuinely prefer a non-monogamous relationship. The important thing is not to reduce the discussion to bisexuality.

The questions are still:

• What kind of relationship do you want?
• What does your partner want?
• What are you each comfortable agreeing to?
• Can both of you consent freely to the arrangement?

What if coming out or transition has changed our relationship?

Cross, Change, Transition

For some LGBTQ+ couples, changes in identity can bring new questions about the relationship.

• Perhaps one partner has come out later in life.
• Perhaps someone has begun to identify as bisexual, queer or pansexual after years of identifying differently.
• Perhaps one partner is transitioning, and both people are discovering how changes in gender, sexuality, attraction and identity affect the relationship.
• These experiences can be profound.
• They don’t automatically mean that the relationship should become open.
• They don’t automatically mean that it should remain closed either.

But they may mean that the couple needs space to talk honestly about what has changed, what hasn’t changed and what each person now needs.

What if one partner wants monogamy and the other doesn’t?

This may be the hardest question of all.

Because occasionally neither person is wrong.

• You might genuinely want a monogamous LGBTQ+ relationship.
• Your partner might genuinely want a non-monogamous relationship.
• Neither of you may be able to change that simply by trying harder.
• This doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship must end.
• There may be possibilities you haven’t considered.

But there may also be a point at which the two of you have to acknowledge an incompatibility.

That’s painful.

Yet discovering an incompatibility honestly can be healthier than spending years trying to persuade one another that you should want the same thing.

Don’t make the decision while you’re panicking.

Don’t Panic

If this conversation has just happened, you may feel as though you need to decide immediately.

You don’t necessarily need to decide anything right now. You might need to slow things down.

You could say:

I don’t know whether I can agree to this. I need some time to understand what you’re asking for and how I feel about it.

That isn’t avoidance. It may be the beginning of a much better conversation.

• You can explore what your partner wants.
• You can explore what you want.
• You can ask questions.
• You can acknowledge fears.
• You can discuss what has happened between you.
• And only then can you begin to consider what happens next.

What if we simply want different things?

This scenario is where LGBTQ+ relationship conversations become difficult.

• There are times when a couple can negotiate.
• There are times when a couple can discover something neither had previously considered.
• There are times when one person changes their mind.
• There are times when both people discover that the original problem wasn’t really about opening the relationship at all.
• And there are times when two people discover that they want fundamentally different relationships.

If that happens, counselling isn’t necessarily about finding a way to force the couple to stay together.

Sometimes the useful work is to understand what has happened well enough for both people to make an informed decision.

You don’t have to decide everything today.

If your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, there may be a temptation to turn the situation into a simple yes/no question.

Will you agree to it?

But there may be several questions underneath that one:

• What does my partner actually want?
• Why do they want it?
• What am I frightened will happen?
• What do I actually want?
• What does monogamy mean to me?
• What does openness mean to them?
• How do our LGBTQ+ identities and experiences affect this conversation?
• Are we negotiating something, or am I being asked to accept something that has already been decided?
• Is there a relationship we can both genuinely choose?

Those questions may be more important than reaching an immediate answer.

And if you find that you cannot talk about them without the conversation becoming an argument, that’s potentially useful information too.

Sometimes the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right answer.

Occasionally the problem is that the two of you haven’t yet found a way to have the conversation.

Perhaps the question isn’t “Who is right?”

Who is Right?

If your partner wants an open relationship and you don’t, it is tempting to find a winner.

• Perhaps your partner is selfish.
• Perhaps you’re jealous.
• Perhaps your partner is more sexually liberated.
• Perhaps you’re being controlling.
• Perhaps they’re trying to leave you.
• Perhaps you’re simply incompatible.

But LGBTQ+ relationships are no less complicated than any other intimate relationship, and your sexual or gender identity doesn’t provide a simple answer to what commitment should mean for you.

The more useful question might be:

What is each of us trying to tell the other about the relationship we want?

Once you’ve understood that, you have something much more useful to work with.

And perhaps then you can begin deciding what happens next.

Could LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling help you?

Online LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling

Indeed, it can.

This is particularly true when the two of you are having the same conversation repeatedly and getting nowhere.

Working with a counsellor who understands LGBTQ+ relationships can also mean that you don’t have to spend your counselling sessions explaining the wider context of your relationship.

For some couples, that context might include coming out, family rejection, minority stress, previous heterosexual relationships, experiences of discrimination, questions around sexual identity, gender transition, dating within a relatively small community, or the particular expectations that can exist within gay, lesbian, bisexual and queer communities.

None of these things automatically causes relationship problems.

But they can form part of the background against which a couple is trying to make decisions about sex, commitment and non-monogamy.

The useful role of counselling isn’t necessarily for the counsellor to announce:

Open relationships are good.

or:

Monogamy is better.

A counsellor shouldn’t have to decide which relationship structure is ‘normal’ for you.

The more useful question is:

What does this particular LGBTQ+ relationship need?

That might involve exploring why your partner wants an open relationship.

• It might involve understanding why the idea frightens you.
• It might involve discussing sex.
• It might involve trust.
• It might involve jealousy.
• It might involve something that happened before the proposal was made.
• It might involve negotiating what each of you means by commitment.
• Or it might eventually involve deciding that you want different things.

The aim isn’t to manufacture agreement.

It is to help you understand what is actually happening between you.

If you and your partner are considering opening your relationship and would like support to explore the idea before making any decisions, you can find more information about Open Relationship Counselling for LGBTQ+ Couples.

The post My Partner Wants an Open Relationship and I Don’t – What Do We Do? appeared first on LGBTQ+ Couple Counselling | Video Therapist.